Sometimes I wear a mask in front of the world in order to hide the truth that lies inside of me. Today in the silence and quiet, free of distractions, that mask fell to the floor. Along with that mask fell the tears of hurt, frustration, anger, & emptiness. In this moment, I found myself crying out to God for solace & forgiveness. Searching my soul lead to the realization of just how broken I have become. Hours have seemed like days & days like weeks. More often than not, I walk through the day in a fog. Around others I wear a face of bravery. A face that says I am fine while I manage a smile, but if you look into my eyes you see me drift away.
Stupid girl – when did you lose your edge? This is why we have walls and shields; allowing a person too close can result in moments like this. Silly girl – we never give parts of our self to a person without thinking or giving yourself an opportunity to build safeguards. Naive girl – how dare you believe that someone would want you without eventually pulling the rug from up under your feet? Have you not learned from your past that nothing last forever? Do you not remember what it is like to be in so much emotional pain that functioning becomes a task? The sinister laugh within mocks me & says “awww poor little girl, now you remember what emotional pain is like.”
Right now, the world seems so dark & lonely. Even though I know there are those who would hold me close in my dark time, exposing my hurting soul seems like too much of a bother. The sinister voice within scolds me: “you aren’t allowed to show weakness or hurt. You are better than that.” “It is your fault for being so naive & being open.” So, here I lay like a broken China dish upon the floor – knowing even if I glue the pieces back together, it won’t be the same.
Silly, silly girl – when did you lose your head? When did you lose your heart? When did you lose your way? When did you become the type to lay down and die? Do you have the moxie to pull it together? Do you have the ability to be stronger than you imagined? Can you rise from the ashes one more time to soar high in the sky? In this moment, it seems so much easier to wither away & emotionally die.