Grief has many stages. We go through denial – which apparently is more than a river in Egypt. Bargaining /begging occurs & believe me, I have done my fair share. Currently I am living simultaneously in the stages of anger and depression. Some days I am able to function like a boss & handle my business. Other days I find myself in tears & having to will myself out of bed in order to accomplish the things I need to do. Occasionally I find myself getting so angry & frustrated I throw things & have to step away to collect myself.
Sometimes I close my eyes & see various moments of our relationship flash across my mind like a movie reel. I am guilty of re-reading our text messages and emails because apparently I like to torture myself. Play with fire & you are bound to get burned.
In fairness, neither one of us planned for this to grow into what it did. However that first night, we both made the decision to be connected at the hip and to the lip. I lost my head & did something I never do – I didn’t think about it. I jumped in head first, went with the emotion, & said yes without hesitation. That moment grew into consistent and constant communication. Working across the country thousands of miles away didn’t even put a bump in the road. We worked in phone calls, Skype calls, text messages throughout the day, & emails. You gave commands & I followed. We had a dedicated day for you to torture me in the fun kind of way. Our connection & energy grew stronger each day, we could feel when the other was smiling, laughing, or crying.
I forgot about boundaries and lines. Sharing a bed with you. Kissing your face and much more, sex / play that lasted for hours, me kneeling at your feet, you stroking my face & kissing my forehead. You acknowledged I was giving so much of myself to you – which was something neither of us were expecting but we wanted to see where this went. In one moment, you told me it was okay. Did you believe I was playing a game? Were you playing with my emotions? Did you fail to recognize the moment where I let go & opened my heart/soul to you?
Sadness consumes me when I reflect back on those moments. I question if you ever cared but that is my grief talking. I know you did. How can I ever forget the pain & conflict crossing your face; deep in your eyes? And then the anger flows through my veins because those moments are forever tainted. At a moment when I needed you the most – you failed me. You failed me as a Dominant, a lover, & a friend. You constantly reminded me that you never meant to hurt me, you cared for me, & it was hard on you to see me in such pain. You determined continuing our relationship would not be fair to your others. I understood that but I never imagined we couldn’t be friends. That was me being naive. An intense relationship to friends takes time & is hard. But I didn’t want to lose you entirely. And within a day – you were afraid to speak to me. You put up walls & pushed me away.
You say you never meant to hurt me. Hurting me doesn’t come close to describing what you did. You took my heart, found the main artery and severed it. I didn’t realize the pool of blood I was standing in until I collapsed on the floor. Laying there cold, pale, and in need of a miracle to survive you stood over me & said sorry you were a casualty of war.
While laying in recovery, I wait for acceptance to overtake me but the road to recovery is challenging when anger and sadness seeps through your blood like a bad infection.