No matter if things are going great or are crumbling beneath your feet, allowing time to rebuild & renew your spirit is necessary. There are multiple things I can do that help center me. However, when things are rough I forget to take care of myself. Let me be honest – in the past two weeks I have not taken care of my mind, body, or soul the way I should. Eating is a chore. My workouts have fallen to the side. Sleeping is hit or miss.
Returning to Texas has already helped me in so many ways. My friends are already dragging my butt out of the house for activities around the city. I am getting into a regular work schedule without having the option of showing up or not. I already know my way around the city for the most part. My friend/trainer already has informed me that we are going to get my life back in order and back into a routine. *Side note: start saying your prayers for me cause I am pretty sure he is going to work my ass off, literally!* Does this mean I am 100% – absolutely not. I am still rebuilding. Still having moments where the tears fall. Still having moments where my mind drifts back to memories of him.
I haven’t been doing my normal activities to renew my spirit, however, sleeping has been my saving grace. Sleeping, even when broken, has allowed me a few moments in time to rest & renew my spirit enough to make it through the day. It was/has been my escape when the hurt & pain overwhelmed me. In the early days, it was the only thing I wanted to do because fighting seemed like a daunting task. Sleeping had become my new safe zone. A place to escape thoughts of him. A place to escape my failures. A place where disappointment & pain couldn’t touch me for a short period in time.
Yesterday my safe zone betrayed me. Getting ready for bed I turned down the air, curled up under the covers, placed my head on the pillow & closed my eyes. You were there waiting for me in my safe place. The dream felt so familiar. Me wrapped up in your arms as you occasionally stared down at me with that grin. Making sure I was comfortable & safe. A dream that felt like reality. Feeling my body pressed against yours. Inhaling your natural scent. Laying my head against your body. I could see those piercing eyes looking at me. Hear your voice asking me questions. And then there we were – sleeping next to each other. I opened my eyes & you were gone. My body wrapped around a pillow, in a cold room all alone. I took a deep breath, slowly let it out, closed my eyes & hoped you weren’t going to come to me again in my hiding place.