The mentality surrounding sex/masturbation varies from person to person. Sexuality, ethnic background, gender, religion, and upbringing contribute to the stereotypes and beliefs we have about sex/masturbation. Women with a high sex drive & are comfortable/proud of their sexuality are too often viewed as a slut possessing very little morals & will never be the type of girl a “real” man would want to settle down with; Men are celebrated for those attributes. Did I mention how much I detest stereotypes?
This lady happens to have a great sex drive & embraces her sexuality without many questions. I am a submissive & masochist who enjoys her play, add the ability to be free and sexual with a person equals utter bliss. When I don’t have a partner, masturbation works just fine. However, something has been off for the past few weeks & it dawned on me what was missing – my libido.
Three weeks has passed, though it feels so much longer, since my relationship world imploded suddenly. The first couple weeks are a blur of excessive drinking, crying, sleeping, and basically trying to function like a normal human being. This week I was having dirty thoughts about said person (don’t judge me) – and realized I was actually getting turned on. Tried to work with that feeling – and after several minutes this lady of pure filth couldn’t reach an orgasm (no, that doesn’t happen). Then it dawned on me, I haven’t had the urge to orgasm/masturbate since all this happened.
Pain, sadness, hurt, regret are just a few of the emotions I expected to feel. However, my libido deciding to go on hiatus wasn’t part of the deal. Physically I know I am capable of orgasm, hell I am a multiple orgasmic creature.
Mentally the sexual goddess within me is trapped behind a steel door. Let’s get this straight, another cock isn’t going to fix the inner workings of what is happening. The answer isn’t simple & honestly I don’t know what the mental block is.
Reality, in the world of D/s relationships the connection is much more intense than the average romp in the hay. Vulnerability and true visibility are two things I struggle with and hate to give to another. Opening myself up to this person was one thing, but the acts of submission, service, and openness………*sigh*……….those were things that occurred & cost me dearly. Never will I regret the experience because it taught me something about myself that I didn’t even know was possible. The toll was an inability to trust myself – caution is always to be observed for conditions can change. Allowing myself to truly be seen is tough. Struggling with a healthy balance is always a challenge. Quicker story: perhaps healing will take on multiple dimensions I hadn’t anticipated. Perhaps, my libido is still looking for what is already gone.
Dearest libido: I know you will come back to me whenever you damn well please so enjoy your vacation wherever the hell you are. However, did you know this lady misses you and all the intricacies that make us special. Please return from your vacation soon. You are missed, truly appreciated, & so loved.