“Courage is not having the strength to go on, it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”
Deciding to work in Texas for the next few months was really a no brainer. My spirit was broken in multiple different areas. Leaving home was the best option cause things were falling apart & I needed to get away. I needed to return to somewhere familiar. I wasn’t thinking about the friends I had here at the time. I just wanted a place where I didn’t have to struggle to find a Target. I wanted the opposite of California. Let’s go ahead and talk about that elephant in the room.
California was a shit show. I was expecting to move out West for three months of work, fun, and adventure. Accomplish some bucket list items like going to Folsom Street fair, seeing the Pacific Ocean, riding a street car, seeing the Golden Gate bridge, making new friends, & learning about a different part of the country. While I accomplished some of those goals others weren’t meant to be. Living in the city was definitely an adjustment. It took a couple of weeks but I learned to love certain aspects. However working for one the hospital systems was a nightmare.
Number one rule: always listen to your gut. My intuition has never failed me. I had tons of reservations taking this job but did it anyway. Immediately walking onto the unit I knew this wasn’t going to be a good fit. Team work was an obsolete concept. Patient safety matters on things that are important were brushed off. In the end, I spoke out. I wasn’t going to keep quiet cause I don’t know how to when something doesn’t seem right. I was fired from my job for my defending my positions for patient safety & my inability to fit in with the cool kids.
I left California feeling defeated; I left California feeling like a failure. I questioned everything from doing the right thing to my abilities to do my job. Returning to work was a little scary. However, finding my groove happened almost immediately. The love I felt from so many people when I got back was amazing. I didn’t realize I was missed that much. My patients all told me how thankful they were to have me working with them. It felt good & slowly my doubts and the demons haunting me from California are slowly starting to fade.
Returning back to Texas also meant returning back to my friend/trainer. We were excited to see each other & discussed everything that happened while I was gone. “You need to get back into a routine. That’s the only way you are going to start to feel better.” Returning to a routine seemed crazy but here I am attempting to find my footing. Exercising, working, going out with friends, & exploring even more of the city. Does this mean my first week back has cured all my emotional distress & fears?
Absolutely not, I am still a work in progress. What I could have accomplished while in California occasionally crosses my mind. Insecurities from my experience in California still haunt me to the point that if I forget one little thing I feel a little anxious. My failed relationship plays over and over in my head more than I would like to admit. And the man who has caused me a great deal of emotional pain crosses my mind everyday. However I am learning to smile more and cry less. I am beginning to drop the heavy baggage from the past in order to march into a brighter future. I am making myself a priority where I have failed to acknowledge my own feelings in order to make someone else feel better. My adopted home state of Texas will hopefully continue to show me just how much strength lies within my soul.