Showing emotion is weak. Hell, I am trained to hide my emotions on an everyday basis. However, if you really know me you can read my emotional state in my eyes &/or across my face. Smiling and presenting my representative is what I do no matter what may be going on in my life. Today, after a month of trying my best to put on a brave face for the world, I crumbled.
First step: updating my “about me” section on my profile. My play partner is a popular man which means people constantly see me & I always remember how I behave is a reflection upon him as well as myself. Some people look up to me as a submissive & I try to be a great support system to my other submissive sisters and brothers. In my mind that means I have to be perfect. I am not allowed to hurt, cry, &/or be broken. But is it fair for me to put forth the image of being semi-perfect? Is it honest to hide the fact that sometimes you get hurt & lose your way on your journey?
Let me present some truths: I am guilty for my own pain. I failed myself. I failed to ask questions. I failed to push on the details of his poly relationship. I failed to put on brakes when I realized how deep this connection was getting. I failed to walk away when I realized he wasn’t free to love another. He is guilty of many things as well, but owning my part is important. I am not a victim. He didn’t manipulate me. I jumped into this situation head first. I got caught up in the connection and energy before realizing I didn’t have the important conversations.
Some people would ask – why are you so hurt? It was a short relationship. You should be skipping along in a field of daisies. Dominant/submissive relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships. It is rare to find someone who understands what others deem odd about you. Not only do the understand it, they crave it. They crave your depravity. They adore your dark side because it speaks to their dark side. Boundaries are pushed and memories are created. In those moments, you are in your safe zone. You are allowed to show your authentic self. My safe zone has become a place of sadness, fear, and questions.
Let me explain. For me, being a submissive & masochist isn’t a role I play. It defines a part of me. It is in my blood. In the everyday world, I am constantly making decisions. I am sometimes in control. I sometimes stand tall & fight back with any number of people. Giving up control to a Dominant is my chance to just be. I don’t have to make decisions. My mind & body belong to them. It is the place where I can be my authentic self. Free of judgement, free of fears, free from questions, free from making decisions. I can offer my service – whether sexually or non-sexually – and have so much pride. Nothing makes you happier than hearing “good girl” or feeling the stroke of his/her hand on your face when you have pleased them. You respect them and they respect you.
I showed my authentic self to this person. They embraced it, they pushed boundaries, & we both experienced things together that we had not with others. He told me it was okay to be myself with him. He wasn’t the boss of me all the time, but when it was important his decisions mattered. A week later, you got caught not honoring your poly commitments & you did what any self respecting person would do. You covered your ass in order to preserve the relationships you had. Forgetting the boundaries you pushed and promises you made not only a week ago. You left the submissive in me to find her own way out of the forest. She is still in the dark. Despite asking you multiple times to have a conversation with me so we could decide what was needed. You didn’t really make any decisions. You left me to make choices I didn’t want to make. You left me open, exposed, and struggling to find shelter in the rain.
So, yes, the submissive in me doesn’t exist right now. She doesn’t trust anyone enough to open up and be vulnerable in that manner again. My safe place for my authentic self is destroyed. The submissive in me can’t take back those first time experiences that meant so much. The submissive in me can’t hide what you have already seen. Pain like this isn’t something I would wish on my worse enemy. And the submissive in me never wants to know this kind of torture again.