Dreams, reality, & what do I want?

Young, fresh-faced, naive me had her life all planned out.  Exact ages and times in my life where I knew what goals and dreams I wanted to achieve.  The old saying is incredibly true, we plan & God laughs.   Now has my life come even close to what I envisioned for myself when in early 20’s – absolutely not.

The dream:  Finish graduate school by the time I was 25.  Get married around the age of 30.  If I were to have children, it needed to be done by the time I was 32.  Have a great career as a teacher.  And by 35 me and hubby would by a house to raise our beautiful family in and live a great life.   Yes I am giggling my ass of right now.

Reality:  Finished graduate school at 27.  Only to go back to school cause my first two degrees didn’t provide a single gal with enough financial stability.   Never been married.  No children.  I have a career in healthcare that I never dreamed in a million years that I would be doing but couldn’t imagine doing anything else – I honestly love what I do.  I am a nomad of sorts so I don’t really have a settled down type of life at the moment.

Am I sad about my current reality?  Overall no.   There are some days I question my choices but I am sure we all questioned our life choices at one point or another.   Hindsight is 20/20 & there are something I would change if I could.  However, changing those decisions, whether good or bad, would change the person I have become today & I kind of like her.  Each decision has taught me a lesson.  Am I still learning lessons?  Heck yeah, I am trying to take what has happened in the last few months and learn the lessons I need from that right now.   And I believe with every fiber in my being that these situations I have been through are preparing me for something greater.   All of the losses I have sustained financially, mentally, and emotionally – some known to those close to me and some I haven’t shared with a soul – will be restored with time.

Sometimes it is hard to see a clear path of where life is taking you.  The road isn’t always smooth & easy; There are road blocks, steep hills, & potholes.   Sometimes we suffer losses that are so extreme, we lose our faith, we blame God, and question why He would ever make us endure such unbearable pain.  I am guilty of questioning is plan & getting angry because things seem to be overwhelming & too painful to push on.  Sometimes all you can do is hold on to what faith you have, believe there is a purpose to my life, and remember God hasn’t taken you this far to let you fail.  You have to believe that He will restore all that was taken from you and give you beauty for ashes & tears in ways you never could have imagined.

All the things that have occurred in the last few months up until now got me thinking about what do I really want?  If you get nothing else out of this writing, how about this – dare to be honest with yourself & truly state what would make you happy.  It is so rare in this busy world to take a moment, be selfish, and think about your needs. What do you want?  What do you believe will make you happy?  These are a few of the things this lady of pure filth wants?

I want a committed, sexual relationship with a person who is Dominant and sadistic because the submissive & masochist in me needs those things in order to be fulfilled completely in a relationship.  I would love for this person to be honest, compassionate, loving, funny, ambitious, and have faith in God.  I want him to be proud to have me on his arm because I am a hell of a woman.   I would prefer that relationship to be a monogamous one. Polyamory in theory sounds great, however I haven’t seen work out beautifully in the long run.

I desire financial stability.   No, I am not looking for someone to take care of me.  I would love to erase the debt I incurred from the whole trip to California.  I would love to be debt free.  I would love to have a disposable income where I could help out people anytime possible and never have to live on a budget.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  For the most part, I am.  However, there are those moments where I don’t feel pretty enough, thin enough, or just enough.  I will never be a super model nor do I want to be.  I want to be proud of my gray hair when it starts to grow in.  I want to enjoy my smile lines and remember the memories that caused them.  I want to be proud of my body because it is strong enough for me to do all the things I desire.  I want to be okay with my thinning hair.  I don’t want to hide in hot as wigs and heavy fake hair.   I don’t want to apologize because I can’t have children & if I did it would cost me a fortune to have one on my own.

Life is about compromise.   Will I get the desires of my heart?  I sure hope so.  Am I disappointed with the life I have lived thus far?  Absolutely not.  Despite all the smiles & tears – I have been able to do things, see things, and experience things I never imagined.  I didn’t foresee my life having so many beautiful friends.  I didn’t foresee losing some of the people I loved to life and death.  I didn’t foresee the adventures life has allowed me to experience.  I didn’t foresee ever living a life outside of my hometown.  And I don’t know where this journey called life is going to take me.  Along the way, I am bound to make some poor choices, but I am also destined to make some great ones.  One thing is for sure – I am going to continue to have dreams/goals but I also know the reality will definitely more than I could have ever imagined.


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