Apparently being an adult is complex and continuing balance act. Since returning to Texas things have been going well, however I do have to iron out the occasional wrinkle that pops up. I have consistently been going for my workouts with no complaints except for a constant state of soreness. Yesterday, I decided to have some fun with friends – stayed out way too late, got an hour of sleep, while out ate/drank way too many carbs and my trainer can read my state of being just by looking at my face. “You look tired” led to a whole bunch of questions and a scolding that lasted the entire hour I worked out. This scolding included everything from picking priorities to being reminded that I have all the tools I need to accomplish what I want but it does me no good if I don’t use them. I left the gym feeling like shit. I hadn’t been scolded that bad since I was a kid. Priorities. Improving my health is important to me & I am the first person to admit that sometimes I don’t have all my shit together when it comes to this health journey, but where is the balance between accomplishing goals & having a life. Perhaps I need to work on finding this balance or realize that this commitment is a constant state of being. Giving up isn’t part of the plan. I am gonna have to start being that odd friend that brings their meals with them to events and occasionally passes on wine or margarita night. Ugh. Why couldn’t my mother have slept with a man with better genetics?
Work is beginning to feel like home again. My confidence in doing what is right has been restored in many aspects. I am learning to accept that I am not perfect. I am going to make a mistake once in a blue moon, but that doesn’t make me incompetent or incapable of doing my job. 99% of the time, I knock it out of the park. I do a great job & that isn’t me tooting my own horn. It has taken years for me to believe that I am good at what I do. I need to start pushing myself to start studying for the certification I failed by 5 questions but it is so hard to put in that time & energy only to fail once again. Graduate school continues to be a thought because I have to think about my future. However, I don’t wanna go through the application process again. Twice I have applied & twice something weird has happened. My application has been rejected because someone forgot to turn in something on time or it arrived freakishly late. Perhaps it is a sign that graduate school isn’t meant for me.
A certain person has been on my mind all week long. Could be the unfriending me or could be the fact that no matter what I do I just can’t shake this person out of my memory/mind. I hate that I still care about him. I hate that I miss his lips on mine, his laugh, & that voice. I miss our conversations. I wish I could find a switch to just turn off my emotions for this person but that button doesn’t exist. I try to focus on other things, keep myself busy, and hope with time I won’t remember – yet I still remember. I could try the theory of sleeping with someone else but I found out many, many years ago that doesn’t help. All I can say is I hope he is experiencing half of the torment I am in regards to me as I am for him.
Even though I have some wonderful friends here, I miss my friends & community back home. They are part of my heart & I carry them with me even when I go off to different assignments across the country. I am hoping to take an assignment closer to home the next time, however I am still trying to really think about where I want to go. I had it all figured out. I had a plan & because of developments in my personal life I now have to reconsider those plans. What are the pro’s and the con’s of moving to this area or even close to that area? Will I still be able to do the things I desire or will I have to change certain things in order to avoid potential drama? Is it easier to take something again out here in order to avoid the potential drama of someone thinking I moved to a certain area just to be closer to them? I hate making life choices based on others, but I am also realistic and try to think of all the possible scenarios before jumping into something. At this stage of life, it is about protecting myself, my emotions, and my overall well-being.