I met a guy who is interested in getting to know more about me. We have talked, exchanged pictures, etc. We continue to ask each other all sorts of questions in an effort to know more about each other. He would like to go out for lunch or dinner. I have been hesitant but said yes so we are working on setting up something. I am not really sure if I am ready to start dating. Two months ago, I experienced enough emotional pain that I wasn’t even sure if I want to continue in the lifestyle. I wasn’t sure if being in a relationship with another person was something I wanted. I wasn’t even sure of myself anymore. I mean who cares for someone, finds them attractive, enjoys them & purposefully breaks them?
The idea of having to “show up” emotionally seems daunting. Truth & openness comes at a cost. Everyday conversation about work, family, music, activities is something I can breeze through, but we have that extra element of kink. We have to discuss limits, needs, wants, medical conditions, relationships, and other things that require complete honesty. He already has determined that I am rare in terms of overall package and kinks. I am always going to say there are others like me, I am not so rare; I am just me. I keep reminding myself that it is just a meal, but honestly I am scared.
I am still working through my issues. I try my best to now hide those emotions from my friends because what can they do. Time heals all wounds so I hear. A friend of mine asked about this situation while we were hiking. It was the first time I could answer that question without tears in my eyes or a pain in my heart. We haven’t spoken to one another. He unfriended me. We are rebuilding ourselves in the best way possible & it isn’t easy. He crosses my mind often. I can’t shake it so I embrace the wave and ride it out till it fades. I guess you never forget a person you truly cared for. So perhaps going out on a date would be a good thing. However, I am also pessimistic when it comes to relationships these days so I will be waiting for the other shoe to drop because when it comes to me and dating/relationships – I am the queen of complications.
My distraction & release from my dating/relationship life is working out. I started doing Crossfit almost 6 months ago. Why did I start doing Crossfit? Honestly, my endocrinologist was talking about me having a gastric bypass if my weight kept climbing. One of the downsides to having PCOS is if you aren’t careful in terms of what you eat and how much you workout – you can gain weight easier than the average person. It is a constant struggle. For me, I am not okay with having surgery for weight loss. So, I re-evaluated some things and realized I needed a trainer & I needed a workout that was going to push me. A workout that I wouldn’t get bored with & Crossfit intrigued me.
I was told in the beginning I was going to work harder than I ever had. My job was to show up & give my all & that is what I continue to do. Six months later I am surprised at the little things, the non-scale victories. Non-scale victories of having more endurance, being able to go hiking on a four mile uphill climb without dying, not needing frequent rest breaks during my workouts, & being able to reach the handle bar of the rower because when I first started I couldn’t do it.
My trainer and I were talking about goals. The subject of weight came up, my trainer already knows what size I have gone from to what I wear now, but actual numbers of how much I weigh has never been discussed. I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face. After some bantering I told him and we was like okay. We set goals. And life was fine. Then we started talking about clothes. I mentioned I was still wearing the same scrubs I wore when we first started working out together 6 months ago. I got a dirty look and the question of why? My answer to him was because in my mind they are fine & I need them just in case something happens. Apparently, that wasn’t the right answer. He decided right then and there I needed to go buy some new scrubs that actually fit my new body. I reluctantly went to the uniform shop & bought new scrubs. I am not going to lie – I was impressed. I looked good. I did a comparison of difference in inches of my old scrubs to my new ones which is 7-8 inches everywhere. Despite this, I still want my old scrubs. They are a security blanket. They are my “in case I screw up” backup plan (my trainer informed me I shouldn’t have a backup plan for that. Nothing is going to happen as long as I keep doing the work). Throwing them away means I am committed to this fully, which I am but there is no going back. I don’t foresee failure in my future. Where as before I have given up on myself before. Embracing the new is hard cause I still see the girl who first walked into the box and struggled the entire workout, required several rest breaks, and just lifting the bar was work. The plan is for me to bring my old scrubs to the box and we are suppose to burn them. I’m not ready. I might have to beg to keep a pair. I won’t cry when we do this….I hope.
Changes, challenges, setbacks, heartaches, & triumphs would describe this year perfectly & there is still some time left in the year. Embracing change can be difficult. They say in order to embrace your future you have to give up your past. Sometimes the past is comfortable. Sometimes you desperately want to forget the past but the emotions & lessons aren’t ready to let you go. Sometimes shedding the past involves moving into the future no matter how scary it may be.