Finding peace & giving up on love

Inner peace – it is something that I lost for a few months.  Everything seemed to be turning upside down professionally and personally.   Stress, upheaval, and doubt were the main themes of my life.   However, things are beginning to settle down again.  Leaving was something I needed to do.  No one was going to be able to piece the broken parts of me back together & honestly I no longer wanted to hide the fact that I had fallen apart.  My spirit was broken.  I doubted the person I was.  And though I love my friends, I didn’t want them to see the mess I had become.  How do you look at the people you love & say smiling isn’t something you want to do?   How do you look at the people who know you best & lie to them that you are doing well?     So, I left.  And finding a routine here helped to put me back together.  Being able to drop the pain from an experience that should have been an amazing time.  Slowly unpacking the hurt of a relationship gone wrong.   Remembering that I matter.  Do I miss my family and friends back home?   Absolutely.  I would love for them to be here with me enjoying the experiences I am having, but I made a change in my life for a reason.   No one said those changes would be easy.   No one said that these changes wouldn’t come with bumps, lumps, and bruises.    No one said that healing happens quickly.

Despite a little time, a lot of distance, and no communication – I still miss him.   Why?   How can someone touch you in such a manner in so short of a time?   Don’t get me wrong.  Everyday is better, but memories hit me out of no where.  I have learned you can’t stop memories.  You can’t forget.   Instead of fighting the current, I go with the flow.  I allow the memories to take me where they want.  I am learning to do something I never have allowed myself to really do before.  Feel the emotion without trying to distract myself or push down the emotion.   That has been hard.  Sometimes you aren’t always gonna be happy.  I hate wondering about the what if’s.   Everyone that comes into your life isn’t always meant to stay.  Some people come into your life, teach you a lesson, & just as quickly as they entered – they are gone.   Life is a series of hello’s and good-bye’s.

Life continues to move on & they say you gotta get back into the game.  So, I ended up talking with a guy who wanted to meet with me.  Do I feel ready to be dating anyone?   Nope, not really.   However, he seemed really interested and we talked a lot so I decided why not.  We kiss and do naughty things because I like sex & I was curious – don’t judge me.  However he is awkward, but charming.  Sarcastic, yet sweet.   Doesn’t say much, yet interested.   Doesn’t like people, yet likes me.   Not available, but wants to know me.   *rolls eyes and drops head on desk*.    Why?  Just why?   Do single Dominant, sadistic men not exist?   Is this an urban legend like unicorns & mermaids?  I am not asking for much – compassionate, smart, funny, driven, smells good, & tall (even the tall part is negotiable).   Fundamentally, I don’t identify as a poly female.  I would prefer a monogamous relationship & yet it seems like monogamy is no longer en vogue.   It seems like people aren’t happy in their relationships so they date outside of their relationship; failing to mention they have another. Some are happy, poly & explain early on that one person is never going to be enough for them.  Some poly individuals want to be free to love other people however they don’t want you dating someone else.  What?!!

Maybe I want too much.  I want the good morning/good night & love you text messages.  I want a person to look at me and want me – not everyone else in the world.  I don’t want to share my love with another person.  I don’t want to feel like I am second or third best.  I don’t want there to be restrictions and rules on how I can express my love.  I just don’t.  I want to be able to give of myself without worrying if someone else is going to get jealous.  I want to be able to love a person without fear of losing them to someone else.  I want to be free to stand next to a person and say they are mine and them say she belongs to me.  I don’t want to fill in the part of your life that is missing.  I don’t want to be your part time anything.  I don’t want to be the girl you have to keep a secret.  I deserve so much more than that.  Despite my efforts to find a man who is what I want – I always fall flat.  The common denominator is more than likely me or I am wired to like a specific type.  But, the more I date, the more I hear people talk  about dating, the more I hear men of my past and present talk about wanting multiple women, the more I have to pull teeth for you to honestly tell me you have someone else – the more I want to throw my hands in the air and give up on this thing called dating & love.  *sigh*

 

 

 

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