“Most of our mistakes, the big ones at least, are the result of allowing emotion to overrule logic. We knew the right choice but didn’t obey.”
Occasionally my emotional side overrules my logical side. It is a weakness of mine to search for the good in a person instead of believing they are an absolute asshole. Relationships ending always feels like a failure to me even when logically I know we weren’t meant to be. I am always left with the feeling – could I have given more? Did I fail at this relationship because of work obligations? Do I fall short because I am trying to achieve a balance of friends, relationship, self-care, and career? D/s and M/s relationships can become all consuming. After 10 years in the lifestyle, occasionally I find myself being defined as not submissive enough (whatever the hell that means).
When the guy in my previous writing ended our relationship a month or two ago I struggled with the feeling of wanting to be back with this person. I wanted to show him I was in fact submissive enough but I also wanted to prove you don’t have to lose yourself along the way. I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so important to prove myself to a man who is a misogynistic, racist, & homophobic dick (obviously he does have a side I liked that was different than that). I wanted to prove myself to a person that I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends & family. And I still can’t provide a valid reason as to why – perhaps I miss the ability to serve, perhaps I miss actually being in a relationship, perhaps my ass needs to add in a new hobby.
We started talking again & the next thing I knew we had struck an agreement for me to come stay with him for four days. I would serve him in a domestic fashion as well as sexual. I agree with hesitation. He continually reassured me he was not going to hurt me. He didn’t want to hurt me. He wanted to see had I changed & could I be the slave he desired. I tried a few different things to get out of this but all my attempts failed. Four days – I can do anything for four days; even if it’s to spend time with a man who enjoys degrading and humiliating me for his enjoyment.
Truth – sexually we are compatible on multiple levels. I love degradation and humiliation sexually with the right person & privately. The things I enjoy I would never mention in the presence of polite company. In the moment, I lose control. I drop pretense, ladylike behavior, & become an insatiable sexual creature that knows no bounds. I want to be pushed and used hard. I don’t want to make choices. I don’t want gentle or polite. And he knows how to push my sexual limits better than most. He has a devil dick as I call it. It is beautiful but there are other pretty penises in the sea. Sexual compatibility aside, we have common interest in music, movies, candles, sports, and enjoying various outdoor activities. However we are two fundamentally different people & being with him for multiple, consecutive days started raising multiple concerns for me as to what a future together would look like. It also made me realize the differences in the value systems we hold.
(1) Minorities, women, LGBT, & submissive men are equal to anyone else in this world. They/We are strong individuals capable of doing any and everything imaginable in this world. We are amazing. And as Jessie Williams said “just because we’re magic doesn’t mean we’re not real.” I am a champion & believer in every person regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, or consenting sexual preferences. I am not tolerant of inequality so the good ol’ boys can feel better about themselves.
Obviously, he doesn’t agree with my views. He believes white males are superior. Males who are submissive are weak. Females are here to serve & can’t be dominant. Every minority is inferior & being homosexual or bisexual is a choice. (Yes because some of the people I know would gladly choose to endure the discrimination they have faced due to their sexuality. And all I can say is say that stuff to any female Dominant or male submissive I know – they will eat him for breakfast. And don’t get me started on the various, beautiful minorities in this world. I digress)
(2) Submissive/slave females must be careful in the lifestyle. There are many wonderful Dominant men & women out there, however there are also a plethora of predators/abusers who use the lifestyle to hide their true intentions. Learning the difference can save your life.
A nice face slap can cause me to grin from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat. However, slapping me out of the fucking blue for shits and giggles doesn’t sit well with me. Calling me degrading names outside of sexual play is a good way to cause insecurity issues. And feeling like my primary function is to be a maid, chef and occasional fuck toy doesn’t work either.
I was taught that being in a D/s relationship does involve sacrifice but outside of a few things – it is a relationship of trust, respect, & love. Perhaps I am too modern but I want to love, cherish, honor, & respect my partner however I also want the same level of commitment in return. It makes a person no less Dominant to spoil his or her little letter. It doesn’t throw off the exchange in power to show genuine concern and love for that which you own. Breaking the spirit of your property isn’t dominance- it is a form of abuse.
(3) Welcome to the real world where careers, bills, extracurricular activities, children, families, friends, and the stress of everyday life exist. 24/7 isn’t feasible for everyone though many of us try.
I love my career & the idea of giving it up to become financially dependent upon another is frightening. Giving up control in some aspects of my life is great but I want my financial freedom. I have seen & heard stories where it starts off with financial dependence & then months/years later the person is in an abusive situation with no means of escape. Yes, I understand the majority of Dominant men believe it is their role to take care of the submissive in all ways. Just because I work doesn’t mean you don’t have control. You allow me the freedom to be me & still serve you. You aren’t making me feel like you are taking care of me in exchange for me being a house nigger.
(4) Lastly, I found his red swastika t-shirt while putting away clothes & things changed immediately. Controlling my anger was difficult especially when he said, “I’m not racist.” Questions followed & he admitted well yeah I am racist with my views on inferiors but it doesn’t mean I hate them (looks at skin color to make sure it is still brown – yep…still brown). My focus shifted. I am an adult with the ability to walk away from your foolishness. However, my mind went to the little one not home from school yet. A beautiful interracial child you had & now are raising. A child whose soul made me giggle & smile. A child who doesn’t say much but processes everything. The little one who will grow up facing obstacles you know nothing about. The little one who will be judged because of the color of his skin. The little one who has a father who views him as partially flawed because of half of his DNA. And my heart breaks because you do love this child but you have the great potential of breaking this child.
I want to steal this child before they see you mistreat a woman of color since they are your preference. I want to steal this child before they learn their father is a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic & homophobic person in the world. I want to shelter you & can’t because you aren’t mine. Years from now I know thoughts of you will cross my mind & I will hope that you are well. I will hope your father’s view points haven’t been passed down. And I hope you see yourself as strong, talented, and amazing just how you are.
So, what I learned in those four days was no matter how sexually attracted you may be to a person, if your values are extremely different, the relationship has no chance of survival. You can’t change a person or make them see the value you possess. You can’t change who you are as an individual without losing your fire. Some things are not negotiable.
As a submissive/slave – remain true to who you are. The journey is long & sometimes hard especially when you are looking for that special person to spend the rest of your life with. Continue to be picky, don’t believe you can settle for x, y, or z; you will be extremely sorry. There is plenty of other men in the sea & the majority of those men aren’t racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, or homophobic.
PS: No, we definitely will not be seeing each other again.