Feeling like a failure makes it hard to come out & tell people that you are back home earlier than expected. Yes, I want to see the people that I love but when you are home early because of reasons that can’t really be explained – you just don’t feel like facing the ones you love. Sacrificed in the name of patient satisfaction. And in one moment you feel like the Matchbox Twenty lyrics: “But if the bright lights don’t receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home.”
*sigh* One year ago I made a decision to accomplish a goal; I decided to leave my full time job to become a traveling healthcare provider. Morale was low at my old job so it was the perfect opportunity to see what the world had to offer. I stepped out on faith & worked my first assignment. Things were great. My next assignment was absolutely horrible. The next assignment was like returning back to an old lover & then I did it again. I was living in a new city, experiencing new things, and learning about different ways of thinking.
Becoming a traveling professional has had it’s share of peaks and valleys. I got to live in Texas & California. I learned how to adapt to living in two vastly different areas. I got to check off a few bucket list items – drive across the country & see the Pacific Ocean just to name two. I have seen mountains, desert, & oceans. I have had the opportunity to see how different life can be from one place to the next. And the icing on the cake was meeting some amazing people some of which have become great friends & family. However, this adventure has also had my integrity called into question, lost of money due to cancelled contracts, & made me question my own sanity in pursing this crazy dream of mine.
I learned that I am smarter, stronger, braver, & more resilient than I ever imagined about myself. Living the life of a gypsy has given me the ability to adapt more than I would have given myself credit for being able to do. I learned maybe the big city isn’t exactly where I want to be. But I also learned the country isn’t exactly where I want to be either. Give me city with a suburban feel. Valley of this adventure includes losing your job before the end of your contract which leaves you with money you didn’t expect to spend. Losing out on time with family and friends. Learning a new area only to have to leave in 13 – 26 months then having to leave and relearn an entirely new place. Crying yourself to sleep because you are stressed & alone. Starting relationships & losing relationships. And honestly I wouldn’t have made it through this journey without the support of so many people through modern technology.
So, what is missing in my life? The answer is stability. Being a travel healthcare worker is amazing but the uncertainty between jobs is stressful. I miss the decor and furniture I picked out for my place (it took me years to pick out each and every piece for my home). I miss having a place of my own. I miss my friends & family. The freedom to design your own life is fabulous. There is money to be made if you take the gamble but do realize sometimes you bust.
The stress of having to find a new position every 3 months is exhausting. I achieved a dream & am able to check off several items on my bucket list. However I think I am craving stability. The ability to have continual health insurance. The ability to earn PTO, retirement benefits, & a stable income. Having a home to go to that is truly mine.
My dilemma is I am not overly excited about working for any of the hospitals in my hometown. So, what is the solution? Honestly, I have no idea. I am trying to be silent and wait for clarity. I ask God for direction but at the moment there is no answer. Perhaps I am giving up to early in my traveling career. I know that nothing is certain however I am tired of the constant uncertainty with my new adventure. In this moment, the only thing I am certain of is that is amazing to be in my own bed. It is wonderful to see the things I worked hard to buy. It is comforting to see the faces of those who love me & I love. And for right now that is enough for me.