Thinking out loud & still unsure

“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”   I should be freaking out yet making quick rational decisions that will best benefit myself in the future.   Surprisingly, I haven’t completely lost my shit & I hesitate to make any decisions in a rushed state.   What the hell are you doing?   The answer is complex yet oh so simple – I am evaluating all of the possibilities while refusing to settle for something I won’t enjoy.  Limbo best describes the state of my work life at the moment.   In this state I find myself reflecting on the past year.   I will never say it was a mistake to leave my full time position in order to take a chance on one of my goals.   However it hasn’t been an easy journey.   It has been many peaks and valleys.   Everything happens for a reason – there are no mistakes in life.  Each step leads you towards something greater than you imagined even when you don’t understand the why or how at the time (this has always been my belief).

Mentally & physically – I am exhausted.   Doing certain things have been placed on the back burner.   I truly believe I just needed to take a few days to process everything that happened.  My workouts for the past week have been non-existent.  Biggest reason is simply I miss my home box.   I miss the people & encouragement.  I miss being in the place that started my fitness/health journey.   Change is sometimes difficult.   One thing at a time – this week I must go to the box I visit when home & start working out again.  I need to release the stress, tension, & negative emotions.

Applying for local jobs has been a struggle in some ways.  There are some jobs I like but others don’t move me.  I have come so far into my career to settle for just any position.  However, the idea of traveling again doesn’t really sit well with me either.  Setting up and settling down in a new city every three months is a process.  You never know what you are walking into.  You have to learn a new city, new work culture, & by the time you start to figure things out – it is time to go.

Why am I wanting to settle down locally again?   Job stability is beginning to become important to me.  I miss my friends & family.   The people who have always been in my corner good, bad, and ugly.   Seeing these people in the past few days has made my heart happy.   Don’t get me wrong – I have met some wonderful people on my journey however those people aren’t the ones who have known me for years.  These are the people who have seen my tears & celebrated my accomplishments.   These are the people who I have seen cry & I have celebrated their accomplishments.   I also miss my local BDSM community – they are the best & are part of my heart.  Decisions to be made.  Random thoughts spewed on paper.   Something will tip the balance at some point.   Until that time, I will continue to search for what is going to be the best fit.

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