The spirit of you & me occasionally likes to visit me

Over the top romantic gestures, flowers, candy, hearts, and over the top public displays of affection – does not describe any relationship I have ever been in.   I have a tendency to attract men who many would describe as harsh, opinionated, assertive bordering on arrogant, & dare I say an asshole.   Look in their defense – I have my quirks and oddities.   What fascinates me is I have always been able to see beyond the exterior of what these guys show.  I see the layers they hide from the world & in those moments I see the beauty in them.  And in return, they see the beauty in me & I am shown love in a different way than most would imagine as loving gestures.   However these men & relationships are not without their flaws (I am not leaving myself out of that equation in terms of flaws).  Occasionally, I find a person that is just flawed – someone where compromise isn’t an option.

The past few nights I have had dreams about you.  I can almost feel you around me, close to me, etc.  The saying might be true that once you have sex with another person part of their energy transfers into you.  We had amazing conversations & you definitely could make me laugh.   Part of your Dominance spoke to me.  You were so demanding but when you actually gave a true heartfelt compliment it was felt.  Sexually, you understood what I needed even in the moments I didn’t understand what I needed.  You can be abrasive yet you also have moments where you can almost be calming & nurturing.  You made me realize being open to trying new things isn’t such a bad thing. Surprisingly, you taught me things about myself I didn’t know.

So, why am I not by your side right now when moments, like today, I sorta miss you.  Easy, you would never be able to view me as a woman.  I never wanted to be your equal, but I refuse to be with a person who sees me as sub-human.  I can’t support a man who doesn’t support others.   And ironically, if it wasn’t for those things, I actually could have seen a rewarding relationship for both of us.  As I get older I realize that you can’t change people.   You can’t sacrifice your values in order to be with someone because you see the potential in the relationship.  Many years ago I would have tried to be what you needed hoping you would change & see what we could be if you just changed.

Is it pathetic that I still have moments where I wonder about you?   Is it sad I want to know what’s going on with you despite being the one who decided I wasn’t the right fit for you? Many people would say yes.  I say unfortunately it is just the way I am designed.  I won’t call it a character flaw that I care about people who I have shared intimate moments with.  I wish I could be like others & dismiss a person like they were nothing.

However, I do choose to focus on the missing pieces.  The parts of a dynamic I need/desire which is intimate touch.  I love hugs & kisses at the right moments.  I want to know I am not only needed but wanted.  I want to touch a person’s heart & soul.  I want us to be a team.  A team that helps each other improve.  A team that is willing to correct the other when wrong.   A team where you lead & I follow because I simply know you are capable.   A partner who believes in the D/s or M/s dynamic but doesn’t misuse that position & pushes our relationship into an unhealthy place.   You weren’t capable of giving me those things.   And I was incapable of providing you what you needed.   Both of these things are perfectly fine.   Hopefully, I was able to teach you something or leave an impression in your mind or on your heart.   In the end all I can do is take care of myself & push forward even when my thoughts drift to you.   No person is all good & no person is all bad – I just wish you could have been more open minded.



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