*takes a deep breath & exhales* Life has gotten incredibly busy in the last few weeks but I am not complaining. Things are beginning to take off in a positive direction in more ways than I could have imagined & I can only think they will get better. This is going to be a random writing all over the place to get out a few things so……yeah!!
YAY for finally starting a new job & I am home. Learning the ropes hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined but then again I always imagine things to be harder than what they really are. The people have been nice but of course I am still learning many of them. Rediscovering home has been exciting. A lot can change in a year that’s for sure. Do I miss Texas? Of course I do. However, life has taken me to this moment right now & I can’t live in the past. I have to make new memories & live in the now. Otherwise new opportunities are going to pass me by. “Everything happens for a reason.”
My BDSM family makes the transition so much easier. I am blessed in so many ways to know some amazing men & women who have grown closer to me than I ever imagined possible over the years. Their hugs, laughter, positive energy, support, & guidance fill my soul. It is nice to see them more often without having to say goodbye for months at a time. My girls/sisters, my family, & friends allow me the freedom to be myself without explanation & they can be themselves without explanation or judgment.
On the submissive/slave front I have been asking myself questions & not really coming to any definitive answers. What do I expect out of a D/s or M/s relationship? What do I bring to the table for a potential Dominant? Do I want a Dominant controlling every aspect of my life? How can you distinguish a person interested in knowing me versus a person viewing me as a fetish? How do I honestly feel about raceplay? Perhaps one day I will sit down & honestly answer those questions. All I do know is that lately I keep thinking about two different men who have affected my life in ways I never imagined. Both caused various levels of distress in my life so bad I honestly don’t know what I would do if I saw either one man again.
Both men made question my submission in very different ways. Both have made me question myself in terms of being a good slave. I use to believe I wanted to be a slave for the right person but both people were wrong for me & in turn broke a piece of my slave heart with their actions. One made me question the integrity of someone claiming to be Dominant. The other just showed me how some dynamics can go from loving to abusive. *sigh* Perhaps another day I can write about this & lay all my feelings on the table good, bad, & shameful.
Today I saw an old acquaintance from middle school. He hasn’t changed a bit in two decades. He is still a very attractive man who has amazing charisma & a beautiful smile. Two decades later I am still paling in comparison in terms of looks & grace. We use to run into each other occasionally in our early teens and twenties. And I somehow always managed to be looking my absolute worse. Disheveled hair, no make up, pimple, plain Jane clothing, etc. He always appeared put to together. In middle school I had friends but I never quite fit in either. I was different. I wasn’t black enough. I wasn’t thin enough. I wasn’t short enough. I had too many white friends. I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect in some people’s eyes. I was smart but that’s all I got credit for. Lol, in middle school he swears we dated & then I got dumped for the head cheerleader of our class. And that heifer still hates me today. I ran into her years ago & decided to be cordial. She looked at me & said, “I knew who you were I just didn’t want to speak to you.” Apparently, she hated me for dating him & just being alive.
So fast forward to today – I am in my scrubs (not even the flattering pair) with no makeup, hair a complete mess & in need of washing, basically looking very meh. Surprisingly something amazing happened – I didn’t care. He called my name & recognized me immediately. We hugged. Exchanged pleasantries & carried about our lives. I may never be the girl who has it all together. I may occasionally look disheveled & less than beautiful but the older I have gotten the more I have learned to accept myself flaws & all. I have also learned that not everyone is going to celebrate you. And you don’t have to conform to what society wants in order to be someone of value. I am always going to be different. I will always be the girl who loves Ludacris to Faith Hill. I am always going to be the girl who is semi clumsy. I will always be the girl who looks like a bitch when she isn’t smiling. And I am always going to be the girl who has at least three people she knows of who hates her. And slowly I have learned that is perfectly alright.