In my previous writing I talked about a part of me being broken because of two different men which may not be a completely fair & honest statement. Last year taught me more about myself in terms of personality, relationships, and sexuality than I ever expected. I dated a few different guys and had short term relationships with two people.
Both men different in various ways but both proved to be toxic. Both proved to break my heart & open my eyes in ways I never anticipated. Both guys live thousands of miles apart but both seemed to see the same things in me. The first two things are obvious because I admit both things right off the bat when meeting a potential partner – I am a submissive & masochist. The other two are things both men saw & I occasionally acknowledge them but didn’t believe they defined part of my sexuality until being forced to take a closer look: slut & degradee. All four are a dimension of my sexuality; it’s just that all four parts aren’t directly laid on the table upon meeting me. Another aspect was brought up by the last guy and that is something I will open discuss in a bit.
The submissive – If you really know me, then this isn’t a shocker. Hell if you read this blog from time to time this isn’t new information. Years ago I discovered the feelings I had sexually had a name – submissive. That discovery led me down the rabbit hole of BDSM & eventually spurred me on to step out into the local community. I hated making choices in the bedroom. “What do you want?” I don’t know – what I do know is if you don’t do something with me or to me soon I am going to explode. Occasionally I have moments where I want to try something or I will give you a very obvious clue I desire to do something but bluntly stating my sexual needs didn’t occur.
Honestly stating my sexual needs can be painful because in the moment I can’t think. I can feel. I can whine, cry, and scream out in desire but putting together a coherent thought doesn’t happen. It is sexual instinct.
However, my submissiveness goes beyond play & sex. I actually do enjoy providing service to the right person. What are your likes and dislikes? How can I help make your day easier? How can I assist you with things you need? How can I take care of you without feeling like a servant? How can we better our community? How can we help others? Anticipating needs, helping our community, giving back to others, assisting as best possible, making sure the person I serve is comfortable, assuring they are cared for and loved is all a part of service because I expect you to do all of those things in return.
I hate when people say submission is all giving and Dominance is all receiving. This is a falsehood. A true balanced D/s or M/s dynamic is a delicate balance of both parties giving & receiving – just in different ways. But there should always be a balance so no one side feels unappreciated. Both guys stated what many have seen – I am a strong woman but a true submissive/slave soul lies within me. I am a good girl.
The masochist – If you know me, not a surprising revelation. However, I wasn’t always honest about my need for pain in order to receive pleasure. I kind of knew but never exactly knew what to call it or even if such a thing existed. I knew I wasn’t exactly normal in terms of what I needed for sexual gratification. Playing with my nipples was fine but I didn’t soak my panties until you bit my nipples hard & pulled like you were trying to tear it off. I realized I like to be grabbed roughly. I like being spanked. I like the pain associated with various forms of play & sex. As I moved into the community I learned about flogging, whippings, canes, dragon tails, electrical play, fire play, & so much more. I also learned about what people referred to as pain sluts & I hated the name. I didn’t want to be associated with those two words.
Other people acknowledged my masochism before I ever did. I constantly denied or would compare it to another person. Then one day I met a play partner who changed my world & forced me to acknowledge just how deep my masochism ran. The moment that sealed the deal was being at an event away from home & being punched in the arm for over an hour in the same spot hard all while moaning and grinning & then getting a beating in the dungeon. After recovering I went to the bathroom & was shocked by how much I had cum. I was literally oozing. I was so surprised I sat on the toilet and wondered what was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I be a “normal” woman?
Accepting who I was in regards to this took some time. And I realized I wasn’t a freak of nature. I wasn’t damaged. I was a girl who enjoyed sex & play in a different manner. I wasn’t alone & there were people who loved hurting me as much as I loved to be hurt. And it was perfectly acceptable as long as we all understood it was consensual.
The slut – The two things above doesn’t mean a sexual relationship with me is guaranteed. Play & sex don’t always go hand in hand (but I will be honest and say when it does it makes life a heck of a lot nicer). The ability to put your parts into me deepens the relationship. You are beginning to take all of the above elements and push them into a more intimate moment. This is where both guys started seeing the complete picture of me. You see, when I can combine both things, I turn into a uninhibited, needy, slutty, fuck toy.
I love being able to connect with my partners through dirty text messages, explicit emails, sexual video chats, fucking, oral sex (receiving/giving) or accomplishing sexual commands throughout the day. One of them learned I can come on command if trained appropriately. And we both learned how much fun it is to make me a needy, wanton woman just by saying those magic words (no it isn’t like a Netflix password anyone can use or hand out to friends. The person & mental connection makes this happen not just some random jackhole saying it). After that revelation I was told “your such a dirty little slut.” Well, I couldn’t say no after he just witnessed me orgasm repeatedly. So yes, yes I am & you are damn lucky to see this side of me because not everyone gets an invitation to know this part of me.
Let’s make the following things clear. I don’t apologize for: having a healthy sexual appetite, pushing my relationships further when the chemistry is present, having sexual desires and needs, needing to be used hard, & enjoying pain with my sexual pleasure. I love sex & the raw unbridle passion that comes along with it. I enjoy playing & fucking for hours. Twenty minutes isn’t going to get it. You need to slot off the afternoon or evening. I enjoy being a wanton, fuck toy for the right person. Both of them learned that & pushed me in a territory I never imagined going. Some things are pleasurable but even I have reservations about a few things.
The degradee – So down the rabbit hole they took me into a land where pleasure is not only associated with pain and need but with a side of humiliation & degradation. I didn’t think I could ever get off on either thing. In the world of kink I continually learn to never say never. Both men presented me with things they desired to do to me & my answer was absolutely not which eventually changed into maybe. “Don’t be closed off to new things just because in your mind you have already said no. *huffs* It’s fine you want to call me your dirty fuck toy, your slut, but you also wish for me to engage in water sports & be aroused. *raises an eyebrow*
Discussions and compromises occurred. I said yes to so many things. I begged & pleaded for these things. I loved the energy. The loss of control & being able to be a dirty little slut because I had to be. Until it was time to do the one thing I always said no to – water sports. The first time was quick and I immediately showered. It was his first time as well as mine. We both shared a moment where we were both each others first despite years in kink. The next time was with the other guy & it was a degrading sexual experience – I still remember well. When it was all over he sat down next to me & said “see what happens when you say yes instead of no. You learn you do like something.” I couldn’t look at him but he forced me to look him in the eyes so I understood how he felt – “I’m very proud of you. You are a very good girl.”
There were other things and moments but what I learned in that moment is – it is okay to do things that aren’t considered normal. Does it please you? Does it please your partner? Are you open to trying something you never have done before? Do you realize you are loved not only for being your self but for allowing your sexuality to be fully released and even challenged?
Both of these men brought this element out & I am not 100% comfortable with this yet. I have already had to conquer the labels of submissive & masochist but adding a woman who also enjoys degradation and humiliation maybe too much. What does that say about me? How far does the dark side of my sexuality go? What is enough? Are there limits? Is sex just better the dirtier, nastier, & more taboo it is for me? Perhaps it is. But I also learned with the last guy that I do have limits & areas I just won’t go. The fifth aspect that doesn’t count as a part of me but I have engaged in is race play.
Race play – Years ago I had a partner that enjoyed race play. At the time we met I didn’t know this. We had talked about it one night & then gradually he started introducing into our play & sex. Eventually, he started associating certain words & my ability to orgasm or get extremely wet. There was never a question of how much he cared for me. I always knew I was his most loved & treasured girl. I also knew if anyone said anything cross to me – he would absolutely murder them.
Fast forward to this past year – one of the guys I ended up with enjoyed race play. I figured it had been a while but I guess I could give it a try until I realized he wasn’t playing. He honestly had some extreme views towards women of color & close-minded views in multiple areas. I tried to make it work but the soul of me cringed & ached just hearing him talk. He was protective in some ways but definitely had the potential to become more abusive as time went on. I was viewed as nothing more than object to control. Nothing will shut down a potential relationship faster than being told, “you are a very lucky nigger to find such a strong Dominant white male to care for you.” It completely shattered my views of race play. And as I began to research it more I realized it was a way for some people to take out their prejudices under the guise of play.
Questions still linger in my mind however: Was he correct in the fact I was lucky to be with him? Was I everything he thought I was? Would he have eventually hurt me even though he promised he would never hurt me? Could I live with myself knowing I was sleeping next to a man with such hateful ideas? The answers I always come to is no. It is hard living with the idea of knowing I was with a man who believed such things even if for a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could be with him to help change him however YOU can’t change people with core beliefs like this. You can’t blame yourself. You can’t live a life of shame, fear, & disgust hoping to bring someone to the light.
Overall, both men saw things in me that I knew existed & drew things out of me I never imagined. Both did things that hurt me in ways I never imagined but they both left footprints in my soul & mind that will never be forgotten. No one ever said life lessons were easy. No one ever said in the world of kink even as an experienced top or bottom that you can’t get fooled, you can’t fall down the wrong path, or be devastated.
I am a submissive, a masochist, a slut, & a degradee. Do these four dimensions make me feel bad about myself? Absolutely not. They are a part of me but aren’t the total definition of who I am . Play & sex are physical but the mental aspect is absolutely key. Both men knew how to reach me mentally & physically. There is an unexplainable loss. However, if those two can eventually see those parts of me & more so will another person. This time, hopefully, this person will be worthy of knowing all the parts of me. My choices may still haunt me but it is continually reinforced that I want to be respected, loved, & seen for the individual I am – not the fetish, fantasy, or separate parts a person desires me to be.