“She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another.”
Growth & change are inevitable things. Well, that isn’t completely true change will always occur however it is up to you whether or not you decide to grow from those changes. My world has been undergoing change ever since I left Texas about five months ago. I underestimated the toll that returning home would present to me professionally, financially, emotionally, and even relationship wise. Change doesn’t come without a price.
Transitioning from living on my own, traveling across the country, picking my own work schedule, & learning about different cultures to returning back to your hometown, working at a smaller, slower paced hospital than usual, & moving back in with your parent isn’t something one can adjust to overnight or apparently in a couple of months. Finding a job was more challenging than expected which meant being out of work for a couple months which essentially almost drained my savings account cause the bills gotta get paid. My travel job also came with negatives like leaving me with a housing bill twice because of early cancelled contracts meaning being stuck with a bill over $6,000 in housing cost. Being without health insurance which luckily my normal prescriptions out of pocket didn’t cost a fortune. And having to maintain a positive attitude without breaking down emotionally because I got shit to handle. I think over the past couple of weeks things I haven’t given myself a chance to process started hitting me out of nowhere. Failed new work situation. Failed relationships both romantic and non-romantic. And ultimately feeling like you have failed somewhere in the game of life.
I remember months ago, I received a psychic reading because I had no clue where things were going in my life & honestly I didn’t really know what I was going to do. Truth, I receive a psychic reading every year from a person who has always been incredibly accurate which is scary. She warned me that the next six months or so was going to be time of discomfort for me because of the amount of changes that will occur. She always warned me that I was going to be frustrated because I would feel like I am taking two steps forward only to fall four steps back. And she is right. I have had moments of frustration and anger. Moments where I think I should have found a permanent job in Texas. Maybe I should have taken crazy man up on his offer to be his personal slave & my only responsibility would be to take care of him. Maybe I shouldn’t have believed I was good enough to work anywhere in the country without issues. And in those moments all I want to do is stomp my foot like a petulant child and scream THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!
*takes a deep breath* Life isn’t fair. At this point, I am just trying to focus on some of the the things that was addressed to me months ago when she gave me this reading. The first thing is to look forward, don’t look back. This is more difficult than one would imagine. I am a fixer. I like completion. I don’t like feeling like I left loose ends or didn’t finish something with amazing results. However, hindsight is 20/20 and living life with could have, should have or would have has no real bearing on today. Letting go of the past is difficult but I have to remember not everything is completed to my liking. Sometimes situations fall apart to redirect your path to something better.
The second thing was personal responsibility. I have some wonderful personality traits, but I also possess some questionable ones. I am stubborn, resistant to change, like things a certain way, & am opinionated. I am not afraid of standing up to anyone, even those people who are in a position over me. Majority of the time that works in my favor & other times not so much. I accept the consequences of my actions and don’t blame others but perhaps I could be more flexible to change & not so stubborn. I am opinionated but not to the point that you can’t change my mind if you make a valid argument. I don’t ever want to play the blame game. I know that some situations are out of my control, but I need to almost remember how I react to a situation is key. I must maintain my composure & not be opposed to receiving correction. I won’t ever be a girl who won’t rock the boat, but sometimes delivery and tone is everything. Some days I am better at that than others. What can I say, even after all these years I am still a work in progress.
Lastly, look to the future. Use this period of transition to truly examine what I want & need. What would I like to accomplish? What is truly deserving of my time & energy? How can I push forward to make better choices in terms of career and relationships? Those answers are not cut and dry. I am beginning to make moves and carefully planning out certain situations. I hope that throughout everything that has occurred in the past few months a few things ring louder than anything else which is my heart, my integrity, my ability to work hard, and above all things my reputation for doing what is right.
However, I get impatient. I sometimes grow weary of feeling like I am continually playing catch up, but I also have to stop comparing my story to others. My life journey will always be different than others. I celebrate my friends success and adventures because I never wanna see anyone I love fail. I wanna see them soar & achieve their heart’s desire. I wanna see them be in great relationships, find amazing careers, step out on limbs and accomplish their goals. However, I don’t wanna feel like I am not being great either or let others down. And that is something I have to learn to get over. No one placing the expectations of x, y, or z on myself except for myself. I am not losing out on anything. Sometimes life takes you on a path that is completely unexpected in order to give you something far more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. I just hope I am working towards something more than I could have ever envisioned on my own. Things don’t just fall apart without something greater coming together.