I’m flawed & messy…..

Hi, I am woman who doesn’t have all her shit together.  I am a woman who is far from perfect.  I am flawed, messy, ill-tempered, tired, grumpy, and cuss more than a sailor.

As a Southern woman, sometimes it is hard to admit all of those things above.  Women, but especially Southern women, are suppose to run a house, work, make a mean casserole, and be the life of a party without batting an eyelash.   The past few weeks has been a difficult time.  I am horrible about reaching out to those who care for me to express myself because I keep a lot of things close to the vest.  People are judgmental & I am not judging cause I am too.   However, everyone has stories they don’t tell others.   Everyone has secrets.  Everyone has moments in time that they aren’t proud of & are fighting day to day just to make it through.

My energy level has been crappy lately.  I haven’t found a happy medium yet.  I am either sleeping for 10 to 12 hrs or I am wake for 27 hours.   I either have the energy to run errands, take care of business, workout, and go to work.  Or I am in bed watching NetFlix and enjoying the joys of being in nothing but my pjs.

The relationship with my boyfriend & dominant are okay.  He has some issues in his life that needs to get settled.   He hasn’t had a day off in months.  He has been working 8 to 12 hour days, everyday.   I can hear the exhaustion in his voice, but there is nothing he can do.  He is trying to launch a business while working a full time job with increasing responsibilities.   In my opinion, he isn’t making the money he deserves and is really doing the job of two to three people.  But, he says there isn’t anything he can do about it for now.

I worry about his emotional and physical health.  He has constant migraines & swallows more Goody’s powder than I am comfortable with.  He has chest pain.  He sounds tired.  He is depressed.  He needs a check up but getting him to do what is right for him isn’t easy.  I brought up the conversation of whether it was a good idea for us to still be together – I don’t wanna add extra stress to his plate.  I support him, but I have needs, wants, and desires as well.  Selfish, maybe, but who wants to share their other half with paperwork and increasing work needs.   I love him but neither of us knows how long this demand on him will last.

Yes, I am his girlfriend, slave, and as he calls me his second wife.   Yet, I can’t get him to listen to me at times.  He is stubborn & believes he knows the answers to everything.   I don’t know the answer to everything, but I am opinionated.  I think he needs to entertain other job offers.  He needs to be firm and start setting limits with his job.  He needs to listen more before speaking and saying no to some things.     Sometimes he just needs to realize as the little letter of this relationship, it is also my job to look out and protect him as well.


I’m filing for bankruptcy.  This whole process has been stressful.  Never did I imagine that I would have to do such a thing, but life happens.   In my head, I feel like this means some how I am irresponsible.  I have not lived up to the expectations of being an adult.   I have failed& I am a failure.  People who file bankruptcy are somehow viewed as financially irresponsible.  But I am learning sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Lost of job, decrease in pay from one job to another, difficulty landing a new job, medical bills, etc.   I have been fighting off some issues for over a year.  I needed this issue settled and this was the best avenue.   Walking in my attorney’s office was the hardest thing.  I was nervous and he could tell.  He has reassured me this is the right move, but it still doesn’t make all of your insecurities go away.   I am just counting down the days til I go to court and this whole situation is put to rest – at least in terms of court and creditors.   Also, I learned if you bank with Wells Fargo, they are asshole who essentially retaliate by placing a hold on your checking and savings account, even if you aren’t the person who owns the checking or savings account.   And by law they don’t have to do it, they just do it to complicate your life or the life of others that you love.   Wasn’t surprising to find out they have been sued over this practice before, so if you are ever planning to file bankruptcy move all your accounts from Wells Fargo.   Information I can pass on in this blog.

This too will pass.  Hopefully much sooner than later.  I have only told a few close people in my life about this because it is shameful to me.  However, those who I have told have been nothing but supportive.  These people are a part of my tribe for a reason.   They know who I am & understand how hard of a choice this has been for me.  I appreciate their love during this time.  I appreciate them not looking at me differently.  Though it feels like I have been taking multiple steps backwards in the past year, I also feel like change is coming in ways I can’t imagine.  I refuse to believe I have come this far in life to fail.  Every day isn’t sunshine, there will be rain & storms.  Maybe I am coming out of my storm to brighter days.


Late Night Ramblings

I haven’t allowed myself the opportunity to write in the past few weeks.  However, life has just seemed busy lately.  People I know and love getting sick.  Work increasing chaotic.   It seems like the days are escaping me faster and faster.  Something about this time of year seems to kick everything into high gear.   It is a time of change in a multitude of ways.


It feels like I am on an endless cycle of trying to catch up with friends & not being able to do it.    I am itching for a change of some kind but I am not sure what that would be.   I want to get away from bedside nursing, but I am not really sure which avenue to approach to make that happen.   I want to focus more on my fitness & health.   I want to build a family & not focus so much on my career.  I want to enjoy days traveling.   I want less stress.   I want people I care for to stop being sick.


*sigh*   I have four days off to somewhat relax but that isn’t going to happen cause I have to go into work on one of my off days so I can do some paperwork and mandatory education.   I have other errands and task that need to be completed but we will see if that gets done.

The other day was a stressful at work.   I left work almost an hour late.  I felt like I could have been there longer to be with my patient who was truly sick.   I called and update the family that their love one was in critical condition & they needed to come to the hospital.   I felt crappy.  I left work.  Almost got into a car accident on the interstate which would have been my fault cause I was tired and didn’t see the person speeding up my blind spot at 100 mph.   My love called throughout the morning to make sure I was okay.  I could hear the concern in his voice and relief when I finally was home in bed.   He tucked me in, said he loved me, don’t even think about going to the gym I need to rest, and then told me to go the fuck to sleep.  I attempted to argue which got me nowhere.   In typical fashion, he was right – I slept for almost 9 hrs.    I needed to rest.   I also still need a change, but that will come soon enough I suppose.

My Sir has reminds me time and time again that I am capable of achieving anything.   He tells me it won’t be like this always.   And I laugh at this because he is stronger than I am mentally.   He has worked almost everyday in a row for three months straight.   He is tired, but somehow makes it & continues to push through.  He has more stress on his shoulders than the average person.   He still makes things happen.   And I remind him that, it won’t always be this way for him.   We are going to make it better some how!!


Love apparently finds you when you aren’t looking

I don’t know.  He polyamorous & married.  I want someone monogamous & single.  He isn’t my normal type.  He is so brash & outspoken.  He is definitely a redneck country boy.  Lord have mercy his past is so wild.  We can’t last.  We are so different.  Just say no.   Fuck why is it so hard to say no?  Why can’t my gut and head agree.  Grrrr…… 

Welcome to the inner workings of my brain.  When my boyfriend and Dominant asked me to enter into a relationship with him I was uncertain of being with him.  The thoughts above are things I wrestled within my head for weeks.   Yet, when I was around him.  He made me feel at ease.   It was like we had known each other before.  We talked for hours.  However, he didn’t meet the checklist I had.  I was upfront & honest with him about that cause I am sometimes brutal that way.  However, he was consistent, persistent, & charming.  He immediately knew I was the girl he had been looking for.  He was clear about his wants & desires upfront.  However, he never pushed me to make a decision.  He gave me time to come to my own conclusion of if this was something I was willing to pursue.   My intentions were to say no, however my gut kept screaming at me to give him a chance.  The feeling was so overwhelming I finally decided to give in & see where this relationship might lead. Four months & counting, we are still together.

After being single for a little while, it took me some time to adjust to having a boyfriend & Dominant.  Some days I wanna debate a rule because I want my way.  Luckily, I have a guy who encourages my spunky side.  Sometimes forget my rules or to ask permission for I decide to do certain things.  I still fight my enforced bed time & workout rules for when I have to work (I’m not allowed).   Through all of these things, we manage these hiccups as they occur.   Because of our open communication, we are strongly connected physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.  However, there are moments I have to pause & go damn.  We are really in a real life relationship.   Yeah,  sometimes I am slow on the uptake.

So, the past few week he has been having issues with an employee of his at work.   He was telling me about it because it was stressing him all the way out.  He said, he handled the problem but corporate was going to have to call him later in the morning to discuss the issue.   He was nervous about that.   Then I was informed it was my bedtime because I had to work that night.  I didn’t think anything else of it.  I figured I would call him in the morning & discuss what happened.

Waking up about 15 minutes before my alarm, I am lying in bed when I see my phone ringing.  It’s my other half.   “Hey beautiful.  What you doing?”    He said I knew you should be getting up & I wanted to tell you what happened.  He informed me about the outcome & it was a positive one in his favor.  And we were just talking & laughing before I had to actually get ready for work. Then BAM it hit while we were laughing & discussing what was happening.  We are a regular, everyday couple.  I matter to him.  He desires to share his life with me good, bad, or indifferent.  When things happen, I am one of the top people he wants to call & tell what happened.  He really does love me.  And yes, I really love him as well.

It was this moment that other things came rushing to the forefront of my mind while he was talking.   How he always reminds me I am beautiful.  How he calls me on my bullshit when I need it.   How he cares for me & looks out for me.   How he makes time for me even when his schedule is busy.  How much he misses me when we are apart.  And how he loves to annoy me & pick at me because that is one of the ways he shows his affection.

So, what have I learned?   Sometimes the person who will love you the most doesn’t exactly fit all the boxes you desire.  It is important to listen to your gut.   It is important to find a person who values you in ways you never imagined.  Love apparently finds you when you aren’t looking.

Are you strong enough to take a risk & fail?

Welcome to 2018.  Most people are making resolutions on how they are going to lose weight, travel, invest, etc.   However, we are coming towards the end of January & most people have tossed their resolutions aside.   A few days ago I was listening to one of my favorite podcast, Increase Your Impact by Justin Sua (highly recommended & they are usually less than 5 minutes).    The discussion involved taking risk.  For some reason this message hit a nerve within me.

Taking a risk involves change.   Change is uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes change is unknown.   Many people never take a risk in their life because of the fact change is uncomfortable.    We wait for the right time to move, have children, get married, change jobs, leave the bad relationship, etc.   However, what happens when we take the risk & it goes wrong?  We always envision when we take a leap of faith that things are going to be great.

I took a risk two years ago.  I gave up my stable job I wasn’t in love with anymore to go travel nurse.  I envisioned doing this for years.  Seeing the country from sea to shining sea while doing what I love.   My risk didn’t exactly pan out how I envisioned.  And to be honest, for the last year, I have quietly kept to myself the feelings of disappointment, bitterness, and anger I have had.   I will be honest.  I felt like God had abandoned me & sometimes I still feel that way.

Justin said something that hit me in a way I never imagined.   If you take a risk & it doesn’t work out, does that mean you failed?   The answer is no because you were brave enough to take a risk & follow your dreams.    Some people never do that.    I thought about it.

What did I lose?  I lost money.  My confidence in my abilities felt shaken.   I had to move in with my mother.   I don’t get the privacy I am use to having.   I lost my ability to be somewhere different every few months I chose.

What did I gain?  I have made some amazing friends that will be with my for a lifetime.  I got to live my dream & see it isn’t as easy as people make it seem even when you do the right thing.  I learned how to fail in a major way.   I realized I have an amazing support system of friends/family that love me whether I succeed or hit bumps in the road.  I am learning I can’t do it all.  I learned that my mother is my biggest cheerleader & I am forever grateful for her.  She is my rock when things look bleak.  She has the ability to make things look bright even when you feel low.  I also learned that my issues weren’t from ability to care for patients, but with competing against the machine of travel nursing (making money even if it means screwing the nurses caring for the patients.)   From California to Texas – I always had patients tell me they appreciated my care for them.

So did I fail?  Not really, sometimes a failure is setting you up for something greater.  Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to be a full time travel nurse.  Maybe this struggle is setting me up for something unexpected.  What I do know is I am slowly letting go of the baggage of this experience because it taught me so much.    Life can’t always be filled with successes.  Sometimes you have to take a risk & fail.

Two quotes that I continually look to are these.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett

Emotional scars & trusting he loves you & isn’t going anywhere

“I just want you, that’s all.  All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm, everything.  I just want you.”   

Sometimes that is a hard thing to believe.   Many of us have gotten married to someone after dating for months or years, invested time in a relationship with someone for years, or even opened up on multiple levels to people in a short amount of times because of the “energy” we felt then weeks, months, or even years later be dumped or divorced.

Embarking on a new relationship is sometimes a difficult because many of us have endured violations of trust, suffered with a partner who emotionally or physically abused us, or stuck it out in a bad relationship where you were mad disrespected all for the sake of love or having someone by our sides who promised to love us good, bad, and ugly.

Emotional scars, as I like to call them, are a very real thing.   I have seen friends try to rebuild their life after being married for years to someone who decided to leave because they no longer loved that person.   I have seen people emotionally shut down for months because a relationship hurt them some badly that getting out of bed was a struggle.   Years ago I was hurt so badly at the end of my relationship that I contemplated driving my car off a bridge and ending my life because the pain felt so unbearable.

So fast forward & rewind to yesterday, the Mister called me once I woke up.   We were talking about his day & I was telling him about my night at work.  Suddenly, out of the blue he asked “what’s going in that pretty mind of yours.”   My answer was the standard when caught off guard with that question – “nothing”.    I should know better – he sees me.  He knows when I am thinking & hiding my thoughts from him.  {Though if I am 100% honest, it isn’t that hard.  Once you know me, I am like a book cause my emotions register across my face & in my voice.}  He called bullshit & basically said I don’t know why you don’t trust me enough to tell me what you are feeling inside.

*sigh, crap!*  It isn’t that I don’t trust him to tell him what I am feeling inside, it is just that sometimes I am having an emotionally crazy moment that I recognize as crazy & don’t feel the need to burden you with all that.  Yesterday, I was just hit with a wave of negative thoughts:   When he is going to stop loving me?   When is he going to get tired of me?   When is he going to leave me for someone better, someone prettier, etc?   When will I be too much?  When will I not be enough?  When will he walk away from me?

I wasn’t going to share those thoughts because I know they were irrational.   And then that would lead to the follow up questions of:  where is this coming from?  are you doubting this relationship?   are you doubting me?   My immediate answer would be no, however that’s what it would be.   Technicalities aren’t a thing in this relationship.  And the truth is I am not doubting us.  It is my insecurities screaming because we actually are a good match for each other in so many ways that I am fear the “shiny” & “new” is going to wear off & he is going to be like I don’t wanna be with you any more or I won’t be as important.   Ugh, I know foolish thoughts especially since I know he isn’t one to sugar coat how he feels.  He doesn’t always share but if he didn’t love me then he would let me know immediately.   And above all that, he shows me everyday he cares not only with his words, but with his actions as well.

We both a busy with different things in our lives, but he has more pressures & responsibilities on his plate than I do.  He is my only relationship.  I don’t date others nor am I allowed which is totally cool because he is more than enough.  I work & am committed to working out/competing.  Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day.  However, he is married with children, works a job that requires more of him hours wise than necessary, he is working on starting his own business, he cares for his family members, and cares a lot of pressures on him.

I have always been concerned about him fitting me into his life because of all he has going on.  It was why I almost said, nope to dating him.  But he somehow makes it work.  He makes me feel super important.  If I am having a good or bad day, he is there.  If I need him to help me make a decision, he does.   He makes me a priority.  He looks out for my emotional and physical well-being.   “You aren’t a secret.  I consider you my second wife, you are my slave, & I sure the hell hope I make you happy.”   He isn’t going anywhere.   He isn’t planning on breaking my heart or spirit.   I have asked him a couple of time before, “what do you want?”  His answer is always the same: “I got it.  You.  All of you!”  Hey crazy side – he wants you.  Trust that. Believe him. *sigh*  Unpacking emotional scars and fully opening your heart is hard to do at times.

Communication is key so why can’t I just keep my mouth shut

“Great couples still get angry with each other, but they continue to discuss a problem until there is a solution, even if it takes several days.” 

My last journal entry left off with me and the Mister in the midst on an argument where he decided I needed three days to think about everything.  I had to work that night, got home, and was still mad.  I couldn’t believe all that had transpired.  I showered and went to bed.   I woke up to two text messages.   He wanted to know was I very, very mad or had I been thinking.  The second was the same question along with “I am expecting an answer from you.”  My answer was short and sweet: both.   I got dressed for work & got in the car.  He called as I was getting in my car (don’t worry I have a hands free system).  We discussed a lot.  I told him I felt abandoned & punished for stating how I felt about exploring with another woman.   He said, you didn’t hear me.  I wanted you to really think about everything – our relationship, is this what you need, is this what you want, etc.    And he was right, I got so angry I didn’t hear him.  I heard one thing and that is all I honed in on.   We chatted until I arrived at work.  He reaffirmed he loved me and we would discuss this one our scheduled date night.  We would find a solution one way or another.

We met the next night to truly discuss this matter.  We are both headstrong, determined, & opinionated people.  What I am learning is important matters need to be discussed face to face – we stop and hear the other person, ask clarifying questions, and reaffirm if what we heard was truth or a falsehood in our own head.  We also both play to win.  I tried one thing and he turned it on me.  He tried something and I turned it on him.   But, he knows how to get me out of my head and go with what I feel – touching me.  Not just in anyway, getting up in my personal space, lowering his tone of voice, & making me look him in those beautiful blue eyes while touching/rubbing my thighs.  He asked me a few questions & I answered from my gut.  He knew I was scared.  He knew I didn’t want to rush.  He knew in order for any progress to be made we needed to agree on something good for him and me.   He asked if shelving this idea for 45 days and discussing it again would be reasonable.  Yes, yes it would.  He also got me cause he said he knows my weakness is him, which means I would try almost anything to make him happy.   *smirking*  Jerk, cause it is true.   He kissed my lips and just said, “I know.”

“Keep your relationship private without keeping your partner a secret.  There’s a difference between privacy & secrecy.”   

I made a fundamental error in my relationship & for that I accept responsibility.  I am sometimes too damn transparent with everyone who is important in my life good, bad, & ugly.   Because of my lapse in judgement – my boyfriend & friends don’t really see eye to eye with each other just yet which is my fault.    No one is perfect.   My boyfriend has flaws – he is an asshole to the general public (not my opinion he openly & freely states this), he is brutally honest, & he loves to get a rise out of me cause apparently I am cute when annoyed.  However, at the end of the day I know he truly does adore and care for me.   He is protective.  He pushes my buttons, but also can calm me down in 5 minutes.

My friends are great in my opinion, want to ensure he is a dominant not domineering, we aren’t moving too fast, & they are protective as well.   They are also opinionated, headstrong, & willing to argue you down if necessary.   Always ladies, but don’t take no shit off of anyone.  (Yes, they are my girls for this reason & beyond).

He wanted me to have a great time at dinner with my girls but he also was picking at me earlier stating, I know they are going to say you should probably leave me because I am not the type of guy you are probably use to dating.  I think he genuinely worries about that.  They admit that our dating is not my norm, but love that he makes me happy.  They admit his past scared them, but hell it scared me too.  However, I suspect all parties feel some type of way about the other & I take blame for that.

I speak the truth how I see it & hear it.   I don’t hide behind smoke and mirrors because I am a horrible liar & if you know me well, you can read my emotions all over my face & in my tone of voice.  He & I discuss everything – we talk about deep conversations that couples probably shouldn’t have this early but it fits us.  We have talked about us having kids (no, definitely not now but later on in the future if our relationship goes the distance & we want them), we talk about our goals, ambitions, and dreams.  We talk about a life together because it is going to be complicated & we need to continue to keep those lines of communication open in our opinions.    We talk about changing each other because I have changed him in some ways & he has changed me in some ways.  We are continuing to learn the art of compromise.  He understands that pushing me too hard and too fast could cause me to leave him & that isn’t his intention.  We both want happiness together and with each other.

So, I need to learn to be more subdued.  I need to learn to hold in some things.  I need to learn to navigate the rocky seas alone at times.  It is my desire for my girls to meet this guy who at times is my antagonist, but also loves me to pieces.   I haven’t had that in a long while – a man who openly loves me to pieces, isn’t ashamed to tell the world I am his girl, & continues to show up when I need him the most.  Nope, he isn’t everything I was looking for nor am I everything he was looking for however we have a chemistry and connection.  We care for each other.

I love my girls.   They hold me strong when I have crumbled to pieces and vice versa.  They understand me in ways others are not capable.  They are not only my friends, they are my sisters. They have been in my life longer than he has and will be there if this relationship falls to pieces.  What I will not tolerate is either party feeling disrespected nor will I tolerate either party being judgmental of the other.

So, I am going to work on sharing the positives and not so much the negatives.  I am going to focus on discussing things in general and only the occasional cool things in detail.   Because I need to fix this if I ever expect the three people I love to come together cordially.   Ugh, I should also be the lady who need to keep her damn mouth shut more often.    Relationships are like riding a bike after taking a long hiatus, eventually after a few stumbles you find your stride, right??!!!

The art of compromise or why I feel like I am being punished

Compromise: an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by both sides making concessions

Theoretically, in a fairly healthy relationship you only get 80% of what you want – this is referred to as the 80/20 rule.   Meaning, you are going to have to compromise on some things.  I am actually a huge fan of compromising because both people get some thing they desire.   In an ideal world, most people would love to always get their way.  In reality, no one gets what they want 100% of the time, & if they do then the other party is either never going to be happy or their feelings on a situation are never taken under consideration.

My partner’s favorite quote is: “the word compromise isn’t in my vocabulary.  It’s either my way or the highway.”   He desires to open me up to new experiences & I am cool with this, except for one thing.  I don’t desire to perform oral sex on a woman nor do I want them to do it to me because I believe in returning favors & once again, I don’t wanna do that.

I don’t mind playing with a woman, kissing a woman, playing with a woman from the waist up, hell, I will even entertain the thought of a woman using a strap on – on me.  But, I don’t want that choice forced upon me.  I want to engage in that behavior of my own free will, not because it is someone’s expectation of me.   So, we have discussed this & he agreed we would not revisit this topic again until next year because I don’t wanna do it.   He was a little upset that he gave into what I wanted.  He said, “I must really love your ass because I never compromise.”

Fast forward almost 24 hrs later, somehow we got back on this topic & it was a huge debate.  We exchanged words.   “You knew what I wanted when we first got together.  I told you this is what I liked.”  And in all fairness, he did.   However, I had been up front since the first time we spoke that I didn’t want to do that.   I was honest about what I was looking for in a potential mate.  Hell, I even showed him my writing on it.  After a little while he decided that I needed to take some time to really think about if being in a relationship with him is what I wanted.

I was pissed the fuck off.   I have compromised for you.  I send the occasional naked photo and even let you video tape us having sex for the first time (don’t judge me people, I am the lady of pure filth for a reason), yet you can’t concede this one thing for me.   We weren’t even suppose to discuss this matter again until next year.

*takes a breath*  I know he said this was to give me a chance to think without him around, but it feels like I am being punished for not only sticking to my guns for what I didn’t want, but for getting him to actually compromise for me.   It also makes me feel you don’t love me as much as you say – you don’t leave a person alone for days.   You work through an issue with a person, you have to compromise for a relationship to work.  Maybe, I am asking too much of a person with a Dominant personality.   But, in my mind, this sets a bad precedent – if I don’t do what you want then you are going to leave me alone for a few days in hopes that my desire to be with you is stronger than sticking to what makes me comfortable for now.   You don’t get your way and then I am out.

*sigh*  I got some soul searching to do.   I need to weigh the options.  I need to listen to my heart.  I need to trust my feelings.   Yes, our connection is strong, but if you loved me like you say you do then you would be willing to meet me part of the way.   Maybe I am not enough.  Maybe I am too much.   All I know is by Thursday afternoon I better have an answer because I feel like no matter what I decide, I won’t be able to back out it.