Uncertainty and wanting substance

My interest in kink has dwindled over the past few weeks, yet I know I am in total need of a reset.  I need a beating like yesterday to calm my nerves & make me not as bitchy or sensitive as I have been lately.

Why has my interest in kink sort of tapered off?  I am not really sure.  My work schedule is crazy & it is hard keeping up with dates of kink events on my calendar along with fitting in workout dates, preparing for a competition, and dealing with a decline in energy.  I find myself sleeping more than normal lately.

My role as a submissive/masochist doesn’t bother me but once in a great while I can’t help but wonder: do my sexual needs prevent me from finding the right partner for me?  Not only do I want a man who is intelligent, has a wicked sense of humor, is affectionate, secure, and understands some days I need to be held and other days I just need a moment to cry without you necessarily fixing it, but I also want one who is dominant, knows the difference between being a dominant & a dominate, sadistic, but also possessive and loving.  I feel like the movie Singles when Bridget Fonda said her dating list was scaled down to “someone to say bless you when I sneeze.”  – Sidenote: If you haven’t seen that movie, please do! It’s an awesome 90’s movie I have owned in VHS and now DVD.

Maybe the stars have aligned and heard my cries because I have had a few incidents of guys wanting to ask me out or declare the attraction to me.  However, I am talking with a guy I met on kinky social website who decided to strike up a conversation with me.   We have talked for a week or so & though we have talked everyday, multiple times a day, I feel like he isn’t saying anything of substance.  You want me to open up but I am careful with opening up to people regardless (probably why I have been pegged as a bitch by many) of interest.  I will talk about main/important things, but I am not laying out my entire life story for you in a week.   I do want to get into the dirt & raw grit of a person but that happens over time, not in a day or week.   What keeps you up at night?   What drives you personally and professionally?   What are you looking for long term in a relationship?   What is one event that helped shaped who you are today?  Questions like that.  It’s nice to be told I am sexy and beautiful.  But what else do you know about me besides my kinks and you want to slide your penis inside of my vagina?

Overly complimentary has never won me over.    However, let’s not confuse this with I pick great sensitive men either.   Nope I pick men other people probably deem an asshole – but then that always made wonder what in the hell does that say about me.  They mean what they say & when they give me a compliment, it is truly heartfelt and meaningful.  Usually, they are an asshole to others, but very protective of me.  Anyway,  I should be ecstatic that this guy wants go to dinner and talk but I am not over the moon.  Talking doesn’t mean having your face between my legs after dinner.  Maybe I am not being as open as I could be because the vibe isn’t right.  It could also be because I still have lingering feelings for another who has missed his chance due to just not acting on it.   Maybe I am just unsure of what I need or desire anymore.   Maybe my tolerance for BS is at an all time low.   *sigh* I just want to get to know someone where things don’t feel forced.

Advertisements

Relationships, weakness, and even I get tired

Even the strongest of people have moments of weakness and just need to rest.  Getting ready for work this afternoon I became sick as a dog and after vomiting a few times I had to do what I hate – call in so I could rest my body.  So, since I have been in bed sick, sipping ginger ale, and sleeping I figured why not actually do the thing you love to do but have swept to the side for a minute – write.

Honestly, I have avoided writing for the past few weeks because there has been so many different things going on and a lot of emotions that I just haven’t wanted to truly address but as my therapist once told me -writing is your release.  Which we both found odd because I am a private person but I will share my soul through this sort of medium.  Anyway, I digress.  *sigh*  Where do I begin?

A few months ago my play partner decided to end that aspect of our relationship after four years.  This had nothing to do with me personally but with issues in his own life.  We have remained great friends throughout & we talk almost everyday.  However, it didn’t really hit home about everything until he started coming to events with his new play partner.  And then to have a good friend pull me outside during an event and frankly ask, “Who is that girl?  Are you two not together anymore?  Damn I can’t believe it, you two had the energy and connection.  It was real.”  *hangs head*  Well yes & as my former play partner had said – “we have a lot of history together.”

However, some things fall apart for better things to come together.   Even though we had a great connection, energy, and do love each other dearly.  He can’t provide me the things I need.  And my wants have changed so much over the years.  I no longer want to be anyone’s secondary especially with rules, conditions, and limitations.  Play is a great thing, but I don’t want to be anyone’s whipping post.   I don’t want a person to just play my body.  I want a person who can play my body, give me amazing orgasms, and then wake up next to me in bed.  I desire a person who I can talk to about not just life in general but our life.  I want a person who is proud to show me off and spoils me because I am willing to give that same kind of love and energy to the right person.

As far as the new partner in his life.  I don’t hate her but I don’t like her either.  She really hasn’t made any intentions to get to know me and I sure as hell will not be making any such moves.  I know of her.  I shall be cordial to her but she isn’t a person in my inner circle.  And her connection to my former play partner has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My inner gut doesn’t trust her but that isn’t my concern.

I met a new guy at an event & we hit it off initially because we are in the same type of work environment.  We talked literally for like four hours the first night we met about so many different things.  He expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with me but wanted me to get to know his baby girl better so we could all be on the same page.  I asked all types of questions – she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him because of the age difference between the two of them but they did have a sexual relationship.  Fair enough.  However, it quickly became obvious he was not the one driving the rules of the relationship even though he said he was.  I talked to her a couple of times.  He was calling and texting all the time.  He even stood up in the middle of a munch to announce I wouldn’t be there, I was working without my knowledge or even asking, I had to be informed this was said about me during an event.  We were hanging out on a semi-regular basis then all of sudden communication started fizzing out.

One day he was ranting about all sorts of things and he said “it’s not like I have a potential relationship with anyone else right now.”    So, I had to ask come clarifying questions – I apologized if I misread the situation but were you not trying to pursue a potential relationship with me.  And his answer was well, no.  I thought I was being clear that I just wanted a friendship with you.   Ugh, I wish rent multiple giant billboards across the country that states, “You don’t fuck your friends.”   Friends don’t fuck friends.  Want to kill a friendship real quick, add a sexual component.  We had further words.  He has since tried to text and call but I haven’t been ready to engage in those conversations. We said what we need to say.

So, then me and asshole from Texas had a conversation one day.  I figured after all this time we would never want to talk to me but we started talking again that day on collar space.  In the beginning I started to question my own judgment because he reminded me of why I liked him so much: charming, funny, quick witted, strong, his dominant and sadistic side have always called to me, tender, and amazingly caring.  He has a way of explaining certain situations and things that makes logical sense and immediately calms your soul.

Then he reminded me why I walked away; for you see he also possesses these horrible traits: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, controlling, and narrow minded.  He wasn’t raised this way and his mother would absolutely die if she knew her son was this way.  This is just what he has chosen to believe.   And though I hate these things about him, I am also drawn to him.  He is protective, but he has the potential to be abusive.  I feel it in my bones.   Deep down, I believe we both wish we could change the other person’s view point of life.  I want him to be open minded, less controlling, and a person to help empower people from all walks of life.  He wants me to adapt his view points and be happy being viewed as less than and be dependent on him for life.

So, I did the thing that needed to be done.  I disabled my profile.  His energy isn’t something I need in my world.  And though I am drawn to him in many ways.  I can’t force him to change and become who I want him to be just like he can’t force me to change and become the woman he wants me to be.

The majority of these interactions have left me pretty down on myself (besides relationship issues, transition of job, transition of life).  And like many women, the first thing that happens is we start picking apart our physical features.  For me, it is becomes, what if I could just not be so headstrong.  If I could be more girly.  If only I could pout, demand stuff animals, and be less sarcastic, quick witted, or dare I say proud to be a woman who has opinions and is outspoken.

Suppressing all of these emotions takes its toll.  So what have I been doing to handle all my anger, disappointment, fear, and frustrations – killing it at the gym.  Working out 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for two hours.  Pushing my body to the limit.  Trying to tweak my diet and run away from something.  I don’t know what I am working so hard to outrun.  I don’t know why I am pushing myself to the limit and becoming more and more frustrated when I don’t see changes quick enough.   And just like everything else – I hit a wall.  I needed a break.  Three days off from the gym.  And now I am sick.  Sometimes you just need to stand still and stop running.

Sometimes, you have to stand in the realization that you aren’t super woman.  Sometimes, you need to acknowledge not only where you have been, but everything you have been through. You need to take a moment and realize – you have been through a lot in the last year.  You have experienced hurt, disappointment, pain, frustration, and fear.  You have to acknowledge that life doesn’t always go the way you plan.  Life isn’t always fair.  Just keep swimming.

Stop wasting my time!!!

Years ago I came to the conclusion that my relationships would probably be a little more difficult than the average due to some of the traits I desired in a potential mate.   I knew this road wasn’t going to be easy.  I knew that I was going to have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find my dominant, sadistic, yet loving prince.  However, after years of ups, downs, and all the way round shitty people I have come to the conclusion maybe I am better off with dates with friends and my multitude of various toys.

Yesterday was a day to definitely get caught up in your feelings.   Did anything traumatic or over the top dramatic happen.  Nah.  However, between getting to know a new person, being in a room with a former play partner, and being in the room with a guy I dated for a  short while – it was like the ghost of relationships decided to come out and absolutely beat my ass like I owed it money.  I still feel like I need a ice pack for my face.

Anyway, let me start this writing off with the following: This is going to be a semi quick list of things I absolutely can’t stand in terms of a person wanting to be with ME or behaviors I can’t stand once we have parted ways.

(1) I am not a freaking fetish.   Want to get my panties to dry up quicker than the Sahara desert.  Please say the following phrases to me: “I have never slept with a black girl before.” “I have never been with a chubby/fat girl before.”  “I want you but my family wouldn’t be cool if I was in a relationship with you.”  – These are just a few of the phrases but they all usually center around the fact that you see me as a sexual object of desire not based on anything other than my size or skin color.   And if you like me, but want to choose your family over me – that’s fine, however please don’t continue to try to push for a sexual relationship with me.  I refuse to be a secret for anyone.   I loved someone very much & at the end of the day I realized he would never pick me because my color would have been an issue with his family.   That is a horrible thing to come to understand – so don’t be that person.   If you want me, want me because I make you laugh, you think I am smart, I take your breath away, you love me being right next to you, etc. Not because I check off some boxes on your sexual fantasies list.

(2) I know we are an open community in terms of relationships where secondary and tertiary relationships exist however please stop coming to me with that being your best offer.  Let’s put this on the table  – I have been second more times than I would like to acknowledge.   Do I doubt some of these guys love me – of course not.  However, that shit gets old quick.   Why in the world do you think I don’t deserve a person who wants to put me first?   I want a person who is excited to be with me. I want to touch the soul of another.  Of course I desire to stir your sexual nature, but I also desire simple things like going to a movie together, grocery shopping while making jokes, playing card games, watching movies, going on bike rides, & so much more.   I want a person to be my biggest cheerleader.  I want to be their biggest cheerleader with  no conditions, no rules of engagement, not having to cater to another person’s feelings and wants in regards to what I do with you.   Dare I be bold and say in this world of technology & lack of conversation without a phone – I want your undivided attention for a while.   I want to be first & not your fall back option.

(3) My memory is an amazing thing – I pretty much forget nothing.   So, if you are with me in any capacity please understand the moment you start engaging in double standard behaviors – we are done.   Don’t waste my time. Don’t put me in that position.   If you want me but say I can’t do this or that – but then all of sudden I see you with someone else engaging in the behaviors you said you couldn’t do with me.  I am going to be pissed off to maximum capacity.   If you didn’t want to engage in those behaviors with me, then be honest about that. Be a real person and own up to it.   However, don’t think for one second I should be okay with it.  Stop wasting my fucking time.  If you can’t see the issue with your behavior then you are the problem.   Don’t hold me hostage to an impossible standard of no affection, none of this or that but you give it freely to another.   Once again, you have wasted my time & the chance for me to give my full attention to someone who deserves it & preventing someone from taking a chance on me.

(4) If you are in a new relationship, please stop trying to test the waters & see if  there is the potential for something still left with us.   Obviously, I was yours in some capacity & we decided to end our relationship for a reason.  If you didn’t care to go the extra mile & keep me, don’t continually try to see if a reunion is possible.   Nothing is more uncomfortable than being polite, engaging in conversation about life in general while your new partner is shooting daggers from their eyes because they feel/think/know you still care for me.   Please don’t put me in that position.

People say you shouldn’t become jaded towards relationships.  You should always give connection and love a try.  However, how many times should I be slapped in the face in order to find a happy ending.   At what point do you stop trying ?  When does it become enough & you stop accepting sub-par behavior because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt the shit being offered to you isn’t enough.

Trust & the Kiss of a Whip

Hi, my name is Ladyofpurefilth & I am addicted to being on the receiving end of a whip.  There are only a few sounds that immediately grab my attention & the cracking of a whip is one of them.   I could watch a person work with it all day/night & probably never get bored.  You could have four different people who are proficient with a whip in a room & all four will have a completely different style & flow when wielding it.   I have been a very blessed submissive to know a multitude of talented individuals who can use a whip well.  I have also been blessed to be able to experience the intensity & artistry of a whip in various ways: a whip circle, Florentine whips, different styles of whips, etc.

Receiving a whip is something I enjoy.  So, it wasn’t surprising when a good friend of mine texted me asking would I like to be the demo doll for a presentation on whips because an experienced whip bottom was needed. Also because she knows me she immediately told me who the presenter of this demo would be.  There was absolutely no hesitation on my part – the answer was an immediate yes.  I know this individual & his wife.  I don’t see them as often as I would like but they are family to me.   I didn’t have questions to ask simply because I trust these people enough that whatever is needed I would gladly do without hesitation because I know they would not let harm come my way.

Normally, if I am the demo bottom of a presentation I get some slight nerves before time.  The presenter is the person who receives the majority of the credit because they are talking & giving knowledge however a demo bottom can either make or break that person’s presentation in a multitude of ways.  And a demo bottom’s role is important because usually a bottom/submissive/slave has questions about the sensation, they want to touch your marks, have a conversation, or is clenching the chair wondering if you need help.  It is imperative for the demo bottom to be able to speak to others when approached & encourage them to try something (if it is in their wheel house) new.

Anyway that’s a topic I may expand upon later but back to the topic at hand.  I wasn’t nervous at all.  However I did feel a pressure unlike anytime before.   I respect this person.  I want this experience to be not only positive for myself but for him as well.   I want to make him proud, his other half happy, make my group look good, & make sure I am a good reflection not only of myself but who ever else is attached to me.  The only question I had was “how naked do you want me?”  Standard answer – “whatever you are comfortable with”.    Oddly, I am extremely comfortable being naked for demos or play parties but in everyday life I won’t even where shorts cause you know too much skin showing.  I am odd.  I opted for just panties even though I am pretty positive people from multiple states have seen all of me in my natural glory.

“Gee, I wonder who the demo bottom is for this.” – This is what I hear as I am standing up in the front getting ready for my body to be a canvas for this presentation.   *takes a deep breath* I can’t say what I desire to say because it isn’t nice – that whole being a reflection thing in a plethora of ways really can be a pain in the ass.   But honestly, if you don’t like that I am a person’s demo doll tough shit.  They didn’t ask you.  However, if you want to take my place I will gladly put my clothes back on & watch you do it.  Seriously keep your snarky comments to yourself.   There is a reason people ask me to do these things & I will always say yes because it is an honor to be considered.

*shake it off & focus*   Well, the focusing part wasn’t too hard because I was turned to face a wall, told to be quiet, &I was unable to see anyone for the majority of the demo.  Damn, he is super proficient.  He is accurate & honestly absolutely amazing with a whip.  Yes, he can inflict pain but also can kiss your skin so gently you would think “this can’t be a whip”.   One part of the presentation did surprise even me – “turn around, get on your knees, & close your eyes.”  There is no time to second guess that command or ask questions.  I immediately do what he says because trust is in fact a beautiful thing.   I got to experience something I never have before & possibly never will again – I got whipped in the face (in a good way).  It was amazing.  The sensation is something I can’t describe easily in words.  It was like little kisses on the face.  Soft, delicate, and just enough sensation.

When the presentation was done I could feel in my heart that everything went well.  I could feel his energy & knew he was pleased with how things went.   I enjoyed every second.   And honestly, I was ecstatic simply over the fact that I could tell the presenter was pleased.  I had the opportunity to speak to a few people in audience & allowed a few to touch the marks on my back and breasts.   I even hugged a lady in the crowd because she looked absolutely terrified for me.  (occasionally I do provide after care for the audience if necessary).   And I always get a chuckle when asked what is your safe word so I can call it for you.  *giggles*  That’s not how that works but I appreciate you looking out for me like that.   In the end, I had a beautiful experience with two amazing people who checked in with me before, during, & after the demo to ensure I was doing well mentally & emotionally.  I would gladly do it again.

Learning the layers to your sexuality & sensuality

In my previous writing I talked about a part of me being broken because of two different men which may not be a completely fair & honest statement.  Last year taught me more about myself in terms of personality, relationships, and sexuality than I ever expected.  I dated a few different guys and had short term relationships with two people.

Both men different in various ways but both proved to be toxic.  Both proved to break my heart & open my eyes in ways I never anticipated.  Both guys live thousands of miles apart but both seemed to see the same things in me. The first two things are obvious because I admit both things right off the bat when meeting a potential partner – I am a submissive & masochist.   The other two are things both men saw & I occasionally acknowledge them but didn’t believe they defined part of my sexuality until being forced to take a closer look: slut & degradee.  All four are a dimension of my sexuality; it’s just that all four parts aren’t directly laid on the table upon meeting me.   Another aspect was brought up by the last guy and that is something I will open discuss in a bit.

The submissive   If you really know me, then this isn’t a shocker.  Hell if you read this blog from time to time this isn’t new information.   Years ago I discovered the feelings I had sexually had a name – submissive.  That discovery led me down the rabbit hole of BDSM & eventually spurred me on to step out into the local community.  I hated making choices in the bedroom.  “What do you want?”   I don’t know – what I do know is if you don’t do something with me or to me soon I am going to explode.  Occasionally I have moments where I want to try something or I will give you a very obvious clue I desire to do something but bluntly stating my sexual needs didn’t occur.

Honestly stating my sexual needs can be painful because in the moment I can’t think.  I can feel.  I can whine, cry, and scream out in desire but putting together a coherent thought doesn’t happen.  It is sexual instinct.

However, my submissiveness goes beyond play & sex.   I actually do enjoy providing service to the right person. What are your likes and dislikes?  How can I help make your day easier?   How can I assist you with things you need?  How can I take care of you without feeling like a servant?  How can we better our community?  How can we help others?  Anticipating needs, helping our community, giving back to others, assisting as best possible, making sure the person I serve is comfortable, assuring they are cared for and loved is all a part of service because I expect you to do all of those things in return.

I hate when people say submission is all giving and Dominance is all receiving.  This is a falsehood.  A true balanced D/s or M/s dynamic is a delicate balance of both parties giving & receiving – just in different ways.  But there should always be a balance so no one side feels unappreciated.   Both guys stated what many have seen – I am a strong woman but a true submissive/slave soul lies within me.  I am a good girl.

The masochist –  If you know me, not a surprising revelation.  However, I wasn’t always honest about my need for pain in order to receive pleasure.  I kind of knew but never exactly knew what to call it or even if such a thing existed. I knew I wasn’t exactly normal in terms of what I needed for sexual gratification.  Playing with my nipples was fine but I didn’t soak my panties until you bit my nipples hard & pulled like you were trying to tear it off.  I realized I like to be grabbed roughly.  I like being spanked.  I like the pain associated with various forms of play & sex.  As I moved into the community I learned about flogging, whippings, canes, dragon tails, electrical play, fire play, & so much more.   I also learned about what people referred to as pain sluts & I hated the name.  I didn’t want to be associated with those two words.

Other people acknowledged my masochism before I ever did.  I constantly denied or would compare it to another person.  Then one day I met a play partner who changed my world & forced me to acknowledge just how deep my masochism ran.   The moment that sealed the deal was being at an event away from home & being punched in the arm for over an hour in the same spot hard all while moaning and grinning & then getting a beating in the dungeon. After recovering I went to the bathroom & was shocked by how much I had cum.  I was literally oozing.  I was so surprised I sat on the toilet and wondered what was wrong with me?  Why couldn’t I be a “normal” woman?

Accepting who I was in regards to this took some time.   And I realized I wasn’t a freak of nature. I wasn’t damaged.  I was a girl who enjoyed sex & play in a different manner.  I wasn’t alone & there were people who loved hurting me as much as I loved to be hurt.  And it was perfectly acceptable as long as we all understood it was consensual.

The slut – The two things above doesn’t mean a sexual relationship with me is guaranteed.  Play & sex don’t always go hand in hand (but I will be honest and say when it does it makes life a heck of a lot nicer).   The ability to put your parts into me deepens the relationship.  You are beginning to take all of the above elements and push them into a more intimate moment.   This is where both guys started seeing the complete picture of me.   You see, when I can combine both things, I turn into a uninhibited, needy, slutty, fuck toy.

I love being able to connect with my partners through dirty text messages, explicit emails, sexual video chats, fucking, oral sex (receiving/giving) or accomplishing sexual commands throughout the day.  One of them learned I can come on command if trained appropriately.  And we both learned how much fun it is to make me a needy, wanton woman just by saying those magic words (no it isn’t like a Netflix password anyone can use or hand out to friends.  The person & mental connection makes this happen not just some random jackhole saying it).  After that revelation I was told “your such a dirty little slut.”  Well, I couldn’t say no after he just witnessed me orgasm repeatedly.  So yes, yes I am & you are damn lucky to see this side of me because not everyone gets an invitation to know this part of me.

Let’s make the following things clear.  I don’t apologize for: having a healthy sexual appetite, pushing my relationships further when the chemistry is present, having sexual desires and needs, needing to be used hard, & enjoying pain with my sexual pleasure.  I love sex & the raw unbridle passion that comes along with it.   I enjoy playing & fucking for hours.  Twenty minutes isn’t going to get it.  You need to slot off the afternoon or evening.  I enjoy being a wanton, fuck toy for the right person.  Both of them learned that & pushed me in a territory I never imagined going.  Some things are pleasurable but even I have reservations about a few things.

The degradee –  So down the rabbit hole they took me into a land where pleasure is not only associated with pain and need but with a side of humiliation & degradation.   I didn’t think I could ever get off on either thing.  In the world of kink I continually learn to never say never.   Both men presented me with things they desired to do to me & my answer was absolutely not which eventually changed into maybe.   “Don’t be closed off to new things just because in your mind you have already said no.  *huffs*  It’s fine you want to call me your dirty fuck toy, your slut, but you also wish for me to engage in water sports & be aroused.   *raises an eyebrow*

Discussions and compromises occurred.  I said yes to so many things.  I begged & pleaded for these things.   I loved the energy.  The loss of control & being able to be a dirty little slut because I had to be.  Until it was time to do the one thing I always said no to – water sports.   The first time was quick and I immediately showered.   It was his first time as well as mine.   We both shared a moment where we were both each others first despite years in kink.    The next time was with the other guy & it was a degrading sexual experience – I still remember well.  When it was all over he sat down next to me & said “see what happens when you say yes instead of no.  You learn you do like something.”   I couldn’t look at him but he forced me to look him in the eyes so I understood how he felt – “I’m very proud of you.   You are a very good girl.”

There were other things and moments but what I learned in that moment is – it is okay to do things that aren’t considered normal.  Does it please you? Does it please your partner?   Are you open to trying something you never have done before?   Do you realize you are loved not only for being your self but for allowing your sexuality to be fully released and even challenged?

Both of these men brought this element out & I am not 100% comfortable with this yet.  I have already had to conquer the labels of submissive & masochist but adding a woman who also enjoys degradation and humiliation maybe too much. What does that say about me?   How far does the dark side of my sexuality go?   What is enough?   Are there limits?  Is sex just better the dirtier, nastier, & more taboo it is for me?   Perhaps it is.  But I also learned with the last guy that I do have limits & areas I just won’t go.  The fifth aspect that doesn’t count as a part of me but I have engaged in is race play.

Race play – Years ago I had a partner that enjoyed race play.  At the time we met I didn’t know this.  We had talked about it one night & then gradually he started introducing into our play & sex.  Eventually, he started associating certain words & my ability to orgasm or get extremely wet.   There was never a question of how much he cared for me.  I always knew I was his most loved & treasured girl.  I also knew if anyone said anything cross to me – he would absolutely murder them.

Fast forward to this past year – one of the guys I ended up with enjoyed race play.  I figured it had been a while but I guess I could give it a try until I realized he wasn’t playing.  He honestly had some extreme views towards women of color & close-minded views in multiple areas.   I tried to make it work but the soul of me cringed & ached just hearing him talk.  He was protective in some ways but definitely had the potential to become more abusive as time went on.  I was viewed as nothing more than object to control.   Nothing will shut down a potential relationship faster than being told, “you are a very lucky nigger to find such a strong Dominant white male to care for you.”   It completely shattered my views of race play.  And as I began to research it more I realized it was a way for some people to take out their prejudices under the guise of play.

Questions still linger in my mind however:  Was he correct in the fact I was lucky to be with him?  Was I everything he thought I was?  Would he have eventually hurt me even though he promised he would never hurt me?  Could I live with myself knowing I was sleeping next to a man with such hateful ideas?   The answers I always come to is no.  It is hard living with the idea of knowing I was with a man who believed such things even if for a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could be with him to help change him however YOU can’t change people with core beliefs like this.  You can’t blame yourself.  You can’t live a life of shame, fear, & disgust hoping to bring someone to the light.

Overall, both men saw things in me that I knew existed & drew things out of me I never imagined.  Both did things that hurt me in ways I never imagined but they both left footprints in my soul & mind that will never be forgotten. No one ever said life lessons were easy.  No one ever said in the world of kink even as an experienced top or bottom that you can’t get fooled, you can’t fall down the wrong path, or be devastated.

I am a submissive, a masochist, a slut, & a degradee.  Do these four dimensions make me feel bad about myself? Absolutely not.  They are a part of me but aren’t the total definition of who I am .  Play & sex are physical but the mental aspect is absolutely key.  Both men knew how to reach me mentally & physically.  There is an unexplainable loss.   However, if those two can eventually see those parts of me & more so will another person.  This time, hopefully, this person will be worthy of knowing all the parts of me. My choices may still haunt me but it is continually reinforced that I want to be respected, loved, & seen for the individual I am – not the fetish, fantasy, or separate parts a person desires me to be.

Life’s a journey not a destination

*takes a deep breath & exhales*  Life has gotten incredibly busy in the last few weeks but I am not complaining. Things are beginning to take off in a positive direction in more ways than I could have imagined & I can only think they will get better.  This is going to be a random writing all over the place to get out a few things so……yeah!!

YAY for finally starting a new job & I am home.  Learning the ropes hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined but then again I always imagine things to be harder than what they really are.  The people have been nice but of course I am still learning many of them.  Rediscovering home has been exciting.  A lot can change in a year that’s for sure.  Do I miss Texas?  Of course I do.  However, life has taken me to this moment right now & I can’t live in the past.  I have to make new memories & live in the now.  Otherwise new opportunities are going to pass me by.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

My BDSM family makes the transition so much easier.  I am blessed in so many ways to know some amazing men & women who have grown closer to me than I ever imagined possible over the years.  Their hugs, laughter, positive energy, support, & guidance fill my soul.  It is nice to see them more often without having to say goodbye for months at a time.  My girls/sisters, my family, & friends allow me the freedom to be myself without explanation & they can be themselves without explanation or judgment.

On the submissive/slave front I have been asking myself questions & not really coming to any definitive answers. What do I expect out of a D/s or M/s relationship?  What do I bring to the table for a potential Dominant?  Do I want a Dominant controlling every aspect of my life?   How can you distinguish a person interested in knowing me versus a person viewing me as a fetish?  How do I honestly feel about raceplay?   Perhaps one day I will sit down & honestly answer those questions.  All I do know is that lately I keep thinking about two different men who have affected my life in ways I never imagined. Both caused various levels of distress in my life so bad I honestly don’t know what I would do if I saw either one man again.

Both men made question my submission in very different ways.  Both have made me question myself in terms of being a good slave.   I use to believe I wanted to be a slave for the right person but both people were wrong for me & in turn broke a piece of my slave heart with their actions.  One made me question the integrity of someone claiming to be Dominant.  The other just showed me how some dynamics can go from loving to abusive.   *sigh*  Perhaps another day I can write about this & lay all my feelings on the table good, bad, & shameful.

Today I saw an old acquaintance from middle school.  He hasn’t changed a bit in two decades.  He is still a very attractive man who has amazing charisma & a beautiful smile.  Two decades later I am still paling in comparison in terms of looks & grace.  We use to run into each other occasionally in our early teens and twenties.  And I somehow always managed to be looking my absolute worse.  Disheveled hair, no make up, pimple, plain Jane clothing, etc.  He always appeared put to together.   In middle school I had friends but I never quite fit in either.  I was different.  I wasn’t black enough.  I wasn’t thin enough.  I wasn’t short enough.  I had too many white friends.  I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect in some people’s eyes.  I was smart but that’s all I got credit for.  Lol, in middle school he swears we dated & then I got dumped for the head cheerleader of our class.  And that heifer still hates me today.  I ran into her years ago & decided to be cordial.   She looked at me & said, “I knew who you were I just didn’t want to speak to you.”   Apparently, she hated me for dating him & just being alive.

So fast forward to today – I am in my scrubs (not even the flattering pair) with no makeup, hair a complete mess & in need of washing, basically looking very meh.  Surprisingly something amazing happened – I didn’t care.  He called my name & recognized me immediately.  We hugged.  Exchanged pleasantries & carried about our lives.    I may never be the girl who has it all together.  I may occasionally look disheveled & less than beautiful but the older I have gotten the more I have learned to accept myself flaws & all.   I have also learned that not everyone is going to celebrate you. And you don’t have to conform to what society wants in order to be someone of value.  I am always going to be different.  I will always be the girl who loves Ludacris to Faith Hill.   I am always going to be the girl who is semi clumsy.  I will always be the girl who looks like a bitch when she isn’t smiling.  And I am always going to be the girl who has at least three people she knows of who hates her.  And slowly I have learned that is perfectly alright.

 

Fighting storms & remembering where you left your sword.

If you have ever been in a hurricane, you know the feeling of anticipation.  Trying to prepare, watching & waiting for this force of nature to make landfall but never exactly sure where it will fall or the exact time.  Usually there is an eerie calm before the storm.  This explains my emotional state the past few weeks.  Eerily calm then suddenly the winds and rains start coming in.  The feelings of anger, frustration, and anguish hitting me emotionally in places I didn’t know was possible & in the wake I survey the destruction.   The energetic power cord knocked out of service.  The strong self confidence within myself snapped like a tree.

Being in a state of purgatory isn’t exactly my idea of fun.  As the days roll on you start to have a little bit of your soul chiseled away.  Piece by piece until you have an unstable material in front of you.  The inability to hear your own voice but rather the voices of everyone else around you. The inability to truly lean on someone else because we all got problems.   The inability to remain calm & fluid because you feel like time is ticking away & you are taking multiple steps back.   And just when you think the dark, cold, bleakness can’t take you down another level – you start hearing the words of an asshole echoing in your ears.

“You were never meant to have responsibilities.”  

“Your place is to serve & be pleasing for your owner.” ”

“Inferior cunts need to stop changing the way society is meant to be.”

“My job is to pay the bills.  Your job is to just serve me.”

Taunting me, laughing at my situation, reminding me as a submissive/slave woman how dare I try to be more than an object of pleasure & service.  Constant jabs & slaps to already fragile ego within at the moment.  And in this moment, I want to lay down my sword & shield.  I no longer want to fight.  Maybe I should accept the fate someone thinks is becoming of me.  An owned slave in service to the man who decides to keep me as his.  No rights or responsibilities.  No need to think outside of does he want chicken or fish for dinner tonight.   Pushing a vacuum yes; pushing my intellectual capabilities – goodness no.  A beautiful fuck toy who knows how to clean, cook, and do as she is told with a smile on her face.

A temporary moment to forget my issues would be lovely.  A stern hand that speaks to the masochist/submissive/woman within.  Guiding a whip through the air to gently & harshly kiss my skin all over. My body being used roughly & without mercy.  Consensually being pushed to my limits until my brain resets & my body gives way to the pleasure & pain it seeks.  Then to be held & allowed to be weak for just a few moments.  Then to be reminded – YOU dear woman are a motherfucking warrior.  Yep, you are bruised and wounded but you don’t get to quit.  You don’t get to give up.  And with that, I get a lovely pat on the ass & am told to pick up my sword and shield cause your journey is far from over.

I don’t have anyone to reset me the way I would like at the moment so I have to pull confidence and will to fight from within myself.    Because giving up & giving in has never been an option.

Pick up your sword & shield woman & fight!!!