Fear, commitment & I said what??

Commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. 

I can’t recall ever seeing a successful or healthy relationship growing up.  I didn’t understand what that consisted of & even now, I have a hard time believing a great relationship doesn’t have to include a lot of trauma and drama.   Many people think they know what it takes to be in a healthy, committed relationship but we fail because you are looking at the outer beauty of someone, what they can provide for us, will they fit into the box of expectations I hold, or simply because we don’t wanna be alone.

I am afraid of commitment.  It is official.  It means I know I am going to be held to certain expectations.  I know it means if I agree to be with you, damn it, I got to be with you good & bad times.   It means allowing myself to be vulnerable & seen.  Sometimes, I wear a tough veneer so people can’t see deep down inside I am a sensitive, teddy bear who just wants to be adored and accepted for who she is – flaws and all.

*sigh*  We have continued to talk, discuss, and grow closer together.  Almost a month of talking & dating is a short amount of time, but he makes me feel comfortable.  After much discussion, we decided we were going to meet privately so we could do as he said “whatever you are comfortable with.  It’s all your decision.”   That could include watching television, talking, or becoming intimate.  He decided we wouldn’t have a play session this first time.  He felt I didn’t need that right now.  I needed closeness, intimacy, and sexual connection.

*shakes head*  All up to me?   The idea of becoming intimate actually made me nervous.  I couldn’t put my finger on why.  He actual makes me feel comfortable.  It is like I have known him for years & he feels the same way.   When I arrived, I was actually calm.  I was happy to see his face.  He smiled at me & hugged me tight.  We talked, we laughed, we tried to watch television but the signal was out.   Then after a while, he sat down next to me.  We looked at each other & he asked me, “are you sure you want to do this?”  I smiled & said “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”

He kissed me & damn- we were touching, kissing, cuddling, & making love.   It was good. If I can laugh, tease, and enjoy looking at you while having amazing orgasms, it is a definite win for me.   Then the question was thrown down: “is this lust or something more?”  That question slapped me in the face.  I had teased a week earlier that I am sure this is just lust and nothing more because he said, “I think you are beginning to fall in love with me.”

Could this be love?   I wasn’t expecting this to develop into something.   I didn’t answer at first because fuck – if I answer one way I would be lying & if I told the truth I would have to own the other parts of that truth.   Once again, he is relentless so the question kept being repeated at times as his body was on top of mine & he was staring into my eyes with those baby blues.  I wasn’t getting out of this.   And in a moment of letting go I said the words I had been trying to avoid: “no, it isn’t lust.  It is falling in love.”  He replied as I expected, “I know” and kissed me hard.    Somewhere along the lines, I dropped my guard & committed without hesitation.   He let me know I was a taken woman – I had a Sir and a man (boyfriend).
So, later that night I stayed after a munch to talk with my girls.  We discussed all the things going on in our lives & I had to own the truth.   And I don’t know if it was what I said or the tone in my voice but one of them turns to me & says “you have a boyfriend” & the other “you have a Sir”.   And I panicked on the inside for a while.  I haven’t had either in a while.  I became committed & realized that is what I feared the most.  I am a lady with a significant other but how did this happen so fast & without me throwing multiple roadblocks down.   *stomps foot*

I had to deny this to be true because things don’t happen that easily for me.  They don’t just fall into place.   So, I talked to him throughout the day & even skipped my workout to spend time with him on the phone while he was working.   And we got into a heavy debate regarding this commitment & because he likes to antagonize me – “I like to see you get all defensive and mad.  It’s cute. *You can’t see it but I’m giving a lot of side eye*.”  He said that I would be willing to do anything he wanted & I said no.   We went back and forth until he threw truths in my face.  And I had to calm down & agree he may have a point.   He got that tone in his voice that I have only heard a few times, but I know he is being super serious: “I will go slow into trying anything with you.  I will never hurt you.  I already said I was going to open you up to trying new things & you already have done things you wouldn’t try before.   Baby, I am not going to leave you.  If anything, you would leave me first.  I am happy you are mine because we are going to explore a whole hell of a lot.”   Well, damn, how can I argue with that.   And then he said those words that made me curse because I felt it to – yes I said it back, though I did say them to him yesterday without fully realizing it.

So, guess I am someone’s significant other & submissive.  How did this happen so fast?  How did a potential no turn into a definite yes?   He earned me.  He said, “I knew you were mine after the first day we met.”  He didn’t check all my boxes, but he is consistent.  He makes me a priority.  He shows me I am adored.  He let’s me know I am cherished & beautiful.  He definitely doesn’t hide behind smoke & mirrors.  And he cares about me not only as a submissive, but as a woman.  He makes me smile; I am taking a chance & feel like I am a lucky girl!

 

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“If you want me, earn me” or what I need in a partner

“We need to find you a man.”   First of all, I fucking hate that statement.  “We” don’t need to find me a man.  It is not an essential part of life.  I need food, air, water, my debts paid off, money in the bank, a job in order to live a lifestyle I am accustomed to having, and I even need to workout but a man doesn’t rank as a necessity.

Now, I understand that this person was trying to be helpful and wants me to find happiness.  However, happiness isn’t defined with me being with another person.  I have always believed this: you can’t be happy with another person until you are happy with yourself.   I have taken periods of time restraining from sex, play, and even dating until I could figure out why I wasn’t finding my own personal happiness.

I know where this is trying to go.   What am I looking for in a person?  Do you date black guys?  Do you only white guys?   Second of all, I hate that this even needs to be said but here it goes.  I am open to dating any man of any race, however my preference has always been white and Latino men.   It has been my attraction since I was little.  Probably not gonna change, but since I am in the good old South people have an issue with the fact I interracially date.

But let’s get back to the actual question this person is desiring to know.   What am I looking for in a potential mate?   Well, I would never tell the person asking the entire list because they aren’t part of my circle like that, nor do I feel they have my best interest at heart.  However, sometimes it is nice to put out in the universe what you desire.  So here is what I desire in a potential partner.

I desire a partner who is intelligent & has a sense of humor.  If they are lacking these two qualities then we will not go very far in a relationship.

My partner must be charming, compassionate, & giving.  I am a natural flirt.  It happens sometimes without me even being aware.  I also have a big heart and understand life isn’t always sunshine & rainbows.  People need you when times are great but even more so when times are hard.   If you are an asshole all the time with no empathy for people, we won’t work well together.

My partner must be an animal lover cause I want to adopt all the puppies and kitties of the world, they need to embrace this feeling but also remind me we can’t take every animal home.

I want them to have some similar interest as me, but I want them to have interest different than I do.  I want a partner who can teach me things.  It can be something simple like how to use a grill or how to make a bomb ass cheesecake.

I want a partner who is God fearing & has a relationship with him, however that doesn’t mean going to church every Sunday.  I believe we have a relationship with our creator in a multitude of ways.

I want a partner who has goals, ambition, & a great work ethic.  Their motivation and drive should push me to be an even better person than I imagined I could be.

Sexually, I want a partner who is dominant, sadistic, not afraid to show their affection & love for me.  One who would like to be monogamous cause sharing isn’t always caring.  I don’t wanna be the lead our relationship.  I want a voice, I wanna be heard, and I wanna know at the end of the day decisions are going to be made to benefit the both of us in the best way possible.

I desire a partner who believes in honesty and transparency.   Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Follow through.  I am willing to meet you half way but damn I am not putting in all the work.  “If you want me, earn me!!”

Lastly,  what drives me to get to know a person better and be in a relationship with them stems from my intuition.  I can’t explain it, but there is something inside of me that speaks to me & pushes me to get to know about another person.  It is almost an instantaneous feeling.  And these are the reasons that warrants me not allowing you to “hook me up” with someone because you don’t really know me.

Breaking a cardinal rule usually leads to moments of insecurity

If you read my previous post, you know I decided to be brave for twenty seconds & send a message to the guy I have a crush on which lead to us exchanging numbers & us both expressing the desire to hang out together.  YAY!!!!    So let’s start with some truths on how I feel & why this isn’t going exactly as I envisioned.

Truth: I really like this man & desire to get to know more about him.  It’s been ages since a man has caught my attention in a way that learning more about him supersedes the idea of having a sexual/physical relationship with him.

Truth:  I have been told I’m really an amazing woman & any man would be lucky to have me as his, however what most people don’t realize is if I truly like a guy I turn from a seductive, flirtatious woman into the most lovable, but adorkable woman ever cause you know I’m kind of nerdy.

Truth:  I broke my own cardinal rule – never date or pursue an individual you work with because you don’t need those kind of problems when trying to earn your paycheck.

We have had a few conversations via text and have learned some things about each other.   We don’t make it obvious we are trying to develop a friendship outside of work.   However, there are a couple of things that are bothering me: (1) I’m the person who has to initiate conversation.   He responds back and will chat for hours with me but I feel like I am chasing him & that isn’t exactly something I find sexy.   (2) He hasn’t asked me out for coffee, dinner, lunch, nothing.  I am not trying to rush him, but at the same time you can’t get to really know a person if you don’t engage in some form or fashion.

Officially I have decided not to text him first anymore.   I want to know what your interest level really is.   I don’t think men go through the effort of making a gift on the fly for just anyone.   And I am trying very hard to not go to a place of self criticism or self blame.   But it is hard not to think – is it me?   Did I say something offensive and wasn’t aware of it?  Did I miss read your intentions & you just desire to be friends only?   Are you not physically or sexually attracted to me?  Is it because I am chubby, tall, or awkward?

Maybe self criticism/blame is easiest for me because of asshole guys I have dated in the past who made me think I was too much.  I was awkward, I was desirable but only if it wasn’t well known they liked me, I was too demanding, I had too many rules/standards, or some other bullshit excuse of why I was the problem.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of a potential relationship working out.  I have a fear that no matter how long I am with a person eventually they are going to leave me.   Perhaps it stems from my childhood issues with my father.  Perhaps it is because I have given the best of myself to some guys who didn’t appreciate me & left me for what they believed to be greener pastures (only to try to return later on).

*takes a breath*  I am trying to remain calm, cool, & collected. I am trying to remember that I actually took a chance on someone I really liked & if it doesn’t work out how I hoped, I don’t have to wonder what could have been.   *grumbles*  See this is why you don’t express interest in people you work with.   This situation has me completely out of my comfort zone.

 

Sometimes you just need to be brave for 20 seconds…..

Recently I celebrated my birthday & I wasn’t really expecting much from the day.   Another year older & perhaps another year wiser.   I had to work for part of my birthday which doesn’t bother me.   I was sitting at the desk when the man I have had a crush on for months walked in.   He said hi, handled official business, and then stopped to hold an actually, long conversation with me.

We talked about our lives & what it is like to date now versus when we were growing up.   He isn’t looking for a hook up.  This is a man I haven’t encountered in a long while.  One who appreciates the art of dating.  He wants coffee dates where you discuss life and family, he wants to go to dinner & movies.  He doesn’t believe in kissing a girl til after a few dates.  He wants to actually learn about the person.   I didn’t think it was possible to be even more smitten with this man but I was so wrong.  I told him it was my birthday & he wished me a happy one.  It also gave him a chance to ask how old I was & me to ask him in return – we are in the right age bracket for dating each other.   Our conversation was going well & we both had forgotten about work until his phone rang with an emergency call & he had to leave suddenly.

*sigh*  I had to go check on a few things and started working again myself.  I returned to my area to see a gift on the desk.   It was wrapped and decorated.   I kind of looked around at my co-workers and asked which one of you did this?   Everyone said, wasn’t me.  Inside I knew who it was but I just couldn’t believe it.   Then I saw the notes & candy.   Not only are you a good man. You are creative and thoughtful.   I was speechless and all I could do was smile.   I sent him a message thanking him for the gift.

Throughout the night I kept thinking of taking the chance and giving him my number along with a sweet message.   I typed a message and would just close my screen on my phone.  All sorts of things went through my mind:  what if I am misreading his signals?  What if he isn’t interested? What if he is just being nice?   What happens if he says no?    After a while I was sitting there looking at the gift, smiling, looked at the message I typed, took a breath, & hit send.   And I immediately became nauseous.  What the hell did I just do?   I am not that girl.  I am not that brave.   This is not like me to act this way towards a guy I really like.  He’s gonna say no & laugh at me.   (Yes, I am a drama queen of worse case scenario).

An hour later I received a message & once again I was speechless.  He is interested and would love to go out sometime.  We exchanged numbers and I am so glad he isn’t standing in front of me because I am smiling so hard and blushing.   I was brave for 20 seconds, took a chance & it went better than expected. I am excited to hang out with him and get to know him better. I don’t know if he is kinky & honestly I don’t think I care.   But those are discussions we will have down the road.   Maybe he will turn out to be a great friend or perhaps so much more.  All I know is I have to remember how to officially date & wait.   After that, the day just got better and better.  If this is any indication of my year, it is going to be one amazing  year for sure.  Now, I have to go wipe this stupid grin off my face.

Growth, transition, and learning how to be patient

“She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another.”

Growth & change are inevitable things.  Well, that isn’t completely true change will always occur however it is up to you whether or not you decide to grow from those changes.   My world has been undergoing change ever since I left Texas about five months ago.   I underestimated the toll that returning home would present to me professionally, financially, emotionally, and even relationship wise.   Change doesn’t come without a price.

Transitioning from living on my own, traveling across the country, picking my own work schedule, & learning about different cultures to returning back to your hometown, working at a smaller, slower paced hospital than usual, & moving back in with your parent isn’t something one can adjust to overnight or apparently in a couple of months. Finding a job was more challenging than expected which meant being out of work for a couple months which essentially almost drained my savings account cause the bills gotta get paid.   My travel job also came with negatives like leaving me with a housing bill twice because of early cancelled contracts meaning being stuck with a bill over $6,000 in housing cost.  Being without health insurance which luckily my normal prescriptions out of pocket didn’t cost a fortune.   And having to maintain a positive attitude without breaking down emotionally because I got shit to handle.   I think over the past couple of weeks things I haven’t given myself a chance to process started hitting me out of nowhere.   Failed new work situation.  Failed relationships both romantic and non-romantic.  And ultimately feeling like you have failed somewhere in the game of life.

I remember months ago, I received a psychic reading because I had no clue where things were going in my life & honestly I didn’t really know what I was going to do.  Truth, I receive a psychic reading every year from a person who has always been incredibly accurate which is scary.   She warned me that the next six months or so was going to be time of discomfort for me because of the amount of changes that will occur.   She always warned me that I was going to be frustrated because I would feel like I am taking two steps forward only to fall four steps back.    And she is right. I have had moments of frustration and anger.   Moments where I think I should have found a permanent job in Texas.   Maybe I should have taken crazy man up on his offer to be his personal slave & my only responsibility would be to take care of him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have believed I was good enough to work anywhere in the country without issues.   And in those moments all I want to do is stomp my foot like a petulant child and scream THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!

*takes a deep breath*  Life isn’t fair.  At this point, I am just trying to focus on some of the the things that was addressed to me months ago when she gave me this reading.   The first thing is to look forward, don’t look back.  This is more difficult than one would imagine.   I am a fixer.  I like completion.  I don’t like feeling like I left loose ends or didn’t finish something with amazing results.   However, hindsight is 20/20 and living life with could have, should have or would have has no real bearing on today.   Letting go of the past is difficult but I have to remember not everything is completed to my liking. Sometimes situations fall apart to redirect your path to something better.

The second thing was personal responsibility.   I have some wonderful personality traits, but I also possess some questionable ones.  I am stubborn, resistant to change, like things a certain way, & am opinionated.  I am not afraid of standing up to anyone, even those people who are in a position over me.  Majority of the time that works in my favor & other times not so much.  I accept the consequences of my actions and don’t blame others but perhaps I could be more flexible to change & not so stubborn.  I am opinionated but not to the point that you can’t change my mind if you make a valid argument.   I don’t ever want to play the blame game.   I know that some situations are out of my control, but I need to almost remember how I react to a situation is key.   I must maintain my composure & not be opposed to receiving correction.   I won’t ever be a girl who won’t rock the boat, but sometimes delivery and tone is everything.   Some days I am better at that than others.   What can I say, even after all these years I am still a work in progress.

Lastly, look to the future.  Use this period of transition to truly examine what I want & need.   What would I like to accomplish?   What is truly deserving of my time & energy? How can I push forward to make better choices in terms of career and relationships?  Those answers are not cut and dry.  I am beginning to make moves and carefully planning out certain situations.   I hope that throughout everything that has occurred in the past few months a few things ring louder than anything else which is my heart, my integrity, my ability to work hard, and above all things my reputation for doing what is right.

However, I get impatient.  I sometimes grow weary of feeling like I am continually playing catch up, but I also have to stop comparing my story to others.  My life journey will always be different than others.  I celebrate my friends success and adventures because I never wanna see anyone I love fail.  I wanna see them soar & achieve their heart’s desire.  I wanna see them be in great relationships, find amazing careers, step out on limbs and accomplish their goals.  However, I don’t wanna feel like I am not being great either or let others down.   And that is something I have to learn to get over.  No one placing the expectations of x, y, or z on myself except for myself.   I am not losing out on anything.  Sometimes life takes you on a path that is completely unexpected in order to give you something far more beautiful than you could have ever imagined.  I just hope I am working towards something more than I could have ever envisioned on my own. Things don’t just fall apart without something greater coming together.

 

Can you overcome the cardinal sin of speaking up for yourself?

“If you aren’t failing every now & again.  It’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”   However, I have been paralyzed in a state of fear this past month.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of going back to work.  Fear of traveling for my job.  Fear that I made the wrong choice in deciding to pursue my goal of travel nursing.

As a full time staff nurse & as a travel nurse, I very rarely got into trouble.   However the expectations of a travel nurse are different.   Every nurse on the planet has had a confrontation with a patient or family member.  Yet as a travel nurse those are grounds for dismissal.  Staff treating you poorly & actively participating in hazing -you are suppose to smile, accept your shitty assignments, accept the crappy treatment, and be thankful you are working in this hell.   You are expected to put up with obnoxious, rude behavior from patients, family members, or staff.  And the ultimate cardinal sin is speaking up for yourself & protecting your own license.

Fear these past few weeks have consumed me because I committed the ultimate cardinal sin.   My assignment ended early because I am not into being abused by patients & apparently speaking up for yourself is a bad thing.   I don’t regret that decision.  I will always stand up for myself.  Are there lessons I can take away from this situation? Absolutely.  For now, I don’t wanna work nor bang on the drum all day.   Unless it was pressing, I have stayed home in my pajamas, slept, & hid from making a decision.  I also have joked about being a kept woman at home but you need a man for that first.  Clinically I am strong & always believe I have room for improvement.  I am compassionate & firm.  And I actually give a damn about my patients.  I want to know their stories.  Sometimes time and acuity doesn’t allow for that but I try.  I am not perfect, sorry, I am just a human being who like everyone else in the world.  However, why should I continue to give my best when it seems those things don’t matter.  It seems as though keeping your head down, making sure your are popular, & improving profit margins are all that matter.

Honestly, I could have been placed at another facility weeks ago but just have enjoyed being home with my family & friends.  I could have accepted a position an hour away but in my heart it just didn’t feel right.  And apparently close to home, I am overqualified for many full time positions and various nurse managers feel like I would be bored working for their facility.  Sometimes you can’t win.

How do you continue on a journey when you have been kicked multiple times?  How do you continue to believe in doing the right thing when it gets you in trouble?   I am a God fearing woman so I believe in grace, forgiveness, & trying not to live your life in fear.  God doesn’t let you suffer without a purpose.  I am trying to walk in the light of forgiveness & grace.  But sometimes it is hard.  The bumps, bruises, and cuts hurt especially when you know you have been done wrong & those who know you, work beside you, and support you also know you have been done dirty.

A full time position at home doesn’t look like it is going to pan out.  Traveling looks like it will be a necessary evil.  Yet, I am so scared to drive thousands of miles only from home to have to work in unsafe conditions, endure nurse on nurse hazing, not be supported by hospital administration, &/or have my work cancelled early because people want to lie and take pride in getting others to quit or have their contract terminated early.  Life is a journey & perhaps my friend is right.  “The trials you are going through right now aren’t even about you. They are to help someone in life.

They are a testimony to something far greater than you imagined.”   I hope he is right.   Now, if only I could look into a crystal ball & see what the future holds.

Sidenote of topic:  Let me clarify something.  I absolutely love what I do.  Healthcare is one of the few professions that rewards you in so many ways.  It teaches you something new medically & personally everyday.   However, in my opinion patient satisfaction scores has undermined healthcare professionals & is attempting to turn hospitals into hotels with trained people for your illnesses.  Where are the protections for healthcare providers?  I have been physically assaulted (punched, kicked, shoved, slapped), verbally threatened, called racial slurs, sexually harassed, & lied on.  I have endure nurse on nurse hazing. Worked with patient ratios that could have ended badly. And failed to be supported by hospital administrators or managers because patient satisfaction scores matter & everyone wants to make money.  I want to help people.  I want to touch lives & save lives.  But I will not endure working in an environment where I am not protected.  Perhaps wanting basic human rights is too much.

But if the bright lights don’t receive you

Feeling like a failure makes it hard to come out & tell people that you are back home earlier than expected.  Yes, I want to see the people that I love but when you are home early because of reasons that can’t really be explained – you just don’t feel like facing the ones you love.  Sacrificed in the name of patient satisfaction.  And in one moment you feel like the Matchbox Twenty lyrics: “But if the bright lights don’t receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home.”

*sigh*  One year ago I made a decision to accomplish a goal; I decided to leave my full time job to become a traveling healthcare provider.  Morale was low at my old job so it was the perfect opportunity to see what the world had to offer.  I stepped out on faith & worked my first assignment.  Things were great.  My next assignment was absolutely horrible.  The next assignment was like returning back to an old lover & then I did it again.  I was living in a new city, experiencing new things, and learning about different ways of thinking.

Becoming a traveling professional has had it’s share of peaks and valleys.  I got to live in Texas & California.  I learned how to adapt to living in two vastly different areas.  I got to check off a few bucket list items – drive across the country & see the Pacific Ocean just to name two.  I have seen mountains, desert, & oceans.   I have had the opportunity to see how different life can be from one place to the next.   And the icing on the cake was meeting some amazing people some of which have become great friends & family.  However, this adventure has also had my integrity called into question, lost of money due to cancelled contracts, & made me question my own sanity in pursing this crazy dream of mine.

I learned that I am smarter, stronger, braver, & more resilient than I ever imagined about myself. Living the life of a gypsy has given me the ability to adapt more than I would have given myself credit for being able to do.   I learned maybe the big city isn’t exactly where I want to be.  But I also learned the country isn’t exactly where I want to be either.  Give me city with a suburban feel.    Valley of this adventure includes losing your job before the end of your contract which leaves you with money you didn’t expect to spend.  Losing out on time with family and friends.   Learning a new area only to have to leave in 13 – 26 months then having to leave and relearn an entirely new place.  Crying yourself to sleep because you are stressed & alone.  Starting relationships & losing relationships.  And honestly I wouldn’t have made it through this journey without the support of so many people through modern technology.
So, what is missing in my life?   The answer is stability.  Being a travel healthcare worker is amazing but the uncertainty between jobs is stressful.  I miss the decor and furniture I picked out for my place (it took me years to pick out each and every piece for my home).  I miss having a place of my own.  I miss my friends & family.  The freedom to design your own life is fabulous. There is money to be made if you take the gamble but do realize sometimes you bust.

The stress of having to find a new position every 3 months is exhausting.   I achieved a dream & am able to check off several items on my bucket list.  However I think I am craving stability.  The ability to have continual health insurance.  The ability to earn PTO, retirement benefits, & a stable income.  Having a home to go to that is truly mine.

My dilemma is I am not overly excited about working for any of the hospitals in my hometown. So, what is the solution?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I am trying to be silent and wait for clarity.  I ask God for direction but at the moment there is no answer.  Perhaps I am giving up to early in my traveling career.  I know that nothing is certain however I am tired of the constant uncertainty with my new adventure.  In this moment, the only thing I am certain of is that is amazing to be in my own bed.  It is wonderful to see the things I worked hard to buy.  It is comforting to see the faces of those who love me & I love.   And for right now that is enough for me.