If you read my previous post, you know I decided to be brave for twenty seconds & send a message to the guy I have a crush on which lead to us exchanging numbers & us both expressing the desire to hang out together. YAY!!!! So let’s start with some truths on how I feel & why this isn’t going exactly as I envisioned.
Truth: I really like this man & desire to get to know more about him. It’s been ages since a man has caught my attention in a way that learning more about him supersedes the idea of having a sexual/physical relationship with him.
Truth: I have been told I’m really an amazing woman & any man would be lucky to have me as his, however what most people don’t realize is if I truly like a guy I turn from a seductive, flirtatious woman into the most lovable, but adorkable woman ever cause you know I’m kind of nerdy.
Truth: I broke my own cardinal rule – never date or pursue an individual you work with because you don’t need those kind of problems when trying to earn your paycheck.
We have had a few conversations via text and have learned some things about each other. We don’t make it obvious we are trying to develop a friendship outside of work. However, there are a couple of things that are bothering me: (1) I’m the person who has to initiate conversation. He responds back and will chat for hours with me but I feel like I am chasing him & that isn’t exactly something I find sexy. (2) He hasn’t asked me out for coffee, dinner, lunch, nothing. I am not trying to rush him, but at the same time you can’t get to really know a person if you don’t engage in some form or fashion.
Officially I have decided not to text him first anymore. I want to know what your interest level really is. I don’t think men go through the effort of making a gift on the fly for just anyone. And I am trying very hard to not go to a place of self criticism or self blame. But it is hard not to think – is it me? Did I say something offensive and wasn’t aware of it? Did I miss read your intentions & you just desire to be friends only? Are you not physically or sexually attracted to me? Is it because I am chubby, tall, or awkward?
Maybe self criticism/blame is easiest for me because of asshole guys I have dated in the past who made me think I was too much. I was awkward, I was desirable but only if it wasn’t well known they liked me, I was too demanding, I had too many rules/standards, or some other bullshit excuse of why I was the problem.
Maybe it is because I am afraid of a potential relationship working out. I have a fear that no matter how long I am with a person eventually they are going to leave me. Perhaps it stems from my childhood issues with my father. Perhaps it is because I have given the best of myself to some guys who didn’t appreciate me & left me for what they believed to be greener pastures (only to try to return later on).
*takes a breath* I am trying to remain calm, cool, & collected. I am trying to remember that I actually took a chance on someone I really liked & if it doesn’t work out how I hoped, I don’t have to wonder what could have been. *grumbles* See this is why you don’t express interest in people you work with. This situation has me completely out of my comfort zone.