Communication is key so why can’t I just keep my mouth shut

“Great couples still get angry with each other, but they continue to discuss a problem until there is a solution, even if it takes several days.” 

My last journal entry left off with me and the Mister in the midst on an argument where he decided I needed three days to think about everything.  I had to work that night, got home, and was still mad.  I couldn’t believe all that had transpired.  I showered and went to bed.   I woke up to two text messages.   He wanted to know was I very, very mad or had I been thinking.  The second was the same question along with “I am expecting an answer from you.”  My answer was short and sweet: both.   I got dressed for work & got in the car.  He called as I was getting in my car (don’t worry I have a hands free system).  We discussed a lot.  I told him I felt abandoned & punished for stating how I felt about exploring with another woman.   He said, you didn’t hear me.  I wanted you to really think about everything – our relationship, is this what you need, is this what you want, etc.    And he was right, I got so angry I didn’t hear him.  I heard one thing and that is all I honed in on.   We chatted until I arrived at work.  He reaffirmed he loved me and we would discuss this one our scheduled date night.  We would find a solution one way or another.

We met the next night to truly discuss this matter.  We are both headstrong, determined, & opinionated people.  What I am learning is important matters need to be discussed face to face – we stop and hear the other person, ask clarifying questions, and reaffirm if what we heard was truth or a falsehood in our own head.  We also both play to win.  I tried one thing and he turned it on me.  He tried something and I turned it on him.   But, he knows how to get me out of my head and go with what I feel – touching me.  Not just in anyway, getting up in my personal space, lowering his tone of voice, & making me look him in those beautiful blue eyes while touching/rubbing my thighs.  He asked me a few questions & I answered from my gut.  He knew I was scared.  He knew I didn’t want to rush.  He knew in order for any progress to be made we needed to agree on something good for him and me.   He asked if shelving this idea for 45 days and discussing it again would be reasonable.  Yes, yes it would.  He also got me cause he said he knows my weakness is him, which means I would try almost anything to make him happy.   *smirking*  Jerk, cause it is true.   He kissed my lips and just said, “I know.”

“Keep your relationship private without keeping your partner a secret.  There’s a difference between privacy & secrecy.”   

I made a fundamental error in my relationship & for that I accept responsibility.  I am sometimes too damn transparent with everyone who is important in my life good, bad, & ugly.   Because of my lapse in judgement – my boyfriend & friends don’t really see eye to eye with each other just yet which is my fault.    No one is perfect.   My boyfriend has flaws – he is an asshole to the general public (not my opinion he openly & freely states this), he is brutally honest, & he loves to get a rise out of me cause apparently I am cute when annoyed.  However, at the end of the day I know he truly does adore and care for me.   He is protective.  He pushes my buttons, but also can calm me down in 5 minutes.

My friends are great in my opinion, want to ensure he is a dominant not domineering, we aren’t moving too fast, & they are protective as well.   They are also opinionated, headstrong, & willing to argue you down if necessary.   Always ladies, but don’t take no shit off of anyone.  (Yes, they are my girls for this reason & beyond).

He wanted me to have a great time at dinner with my girls but he also was picking at me earlier stating, I know they are going to say you should probably leave me because I am not the type of guy you are probably use to dating.  I think he genuinely worries about that.  They admit that our dating is not my norm, but love that he makes me happy.  They admit his past scared them, but hell it scared me too.  However, I suspect all parties feel some type of way about the other & I take blame for that.

I speak the truth how I see it & hear it.   I don’t hide behind smoke and mirrors because I am a horrible liar & if you know me well, you can read my emotions all over my face & in my tone of voice.  He & I discuss everything – we talk about deep conversations that couples probably shouldn’t have this early but it fits us.  We have talked about us having kids (no, definitely not now but later on in the future if our relationship goes the distance & we want them), we talk about our goals, ambitions, and dreams.  We talk about a life together because it is going to be complicated & we need to continue to keep those lines of communication open in our opinions.    We talk about changing each other because I have changed him in some ways & he has changed me in some ways.  We are continuing to learn the art of compromise.  He understands that pushing me too hard and too fast could cause me to leave him & that isn’t his intention.  We both want happiness together and with each other.

So, I need to learn to be more subdued.  I need to learn to hold in some things.  I need to learn to navigate the rocky seas alone at times.  It is my desire for my girls to meet this guy who at times is my antagonist, but also loves me to pieces.   I haven’t had that in a long while – a man who openly loves me to pieces, isn’t ashamed to tell the world I am his girl, & continues to show up when I need him the most.  Nope, he isn’t everything I was looking for nor am I everything he was looking for however we have a chemistry and connection.  We care for each other.

I love my girls.   They hold me strong when I have crumbled to pieces and vice versa.  They understand me in ways others are not capable.  They are not only my friends, they are my sisters. They have been in my life longer than he has and will be there if this relationship falls to pieces.  What I will not tolerate is either party feeling disrespected nor will I tolerate either party being judgmental of the other.

So, I am going to work on sharing the positives and not so much the negatives.  I am going to focus on discussing things in general and only the occasional cool things in detail.   Because I need to fix this if I ever expect the three people I love to come together cordially.   Ugh, I should also be the lady who need to keep her damn mouth shut more often.    Relationships are like riding a bike after taking a long hiatus, eventually after a few stumbles you find your stride, right??!!!

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The art of compromise or why I feel like I am being punished

Compromise: an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by both sides making concessions

Theoretically, in a fairly healthy relationship you only get 80% of what you want – this is referred to as the 80/20 rule.   Meaning, you are going to have to compromise on some things.  I am actually a huge fan of compromising because both people get some thing they desire.   In an ideal world, most people would love to always get their way.  In reality, no one gets what they want 100% of the time, & if they do then the other party is either never going to be happy or their feelings on a situation are never taken under consideration.

My partner’s favorite quote is: “the word compromise isn’t in my vocabulary.  It’s either my way or the highway.”   He desires to open me up to new experiences & I am cool with this, except for one thing.  I don’t desire to perform oral sex on a woman nor do I want them to do it to me because I believe in returning favors & once again, I don’t wanna do that.

I don’t mind playing with a woman, kissing a woman, playing with a woman from the waist up, hell, I will even entertain the thought of a woman using a strap on – on me.  But, I don’t want that choice forced upon me.  I want to engage in that behavior of my own free will, not because it is someone’s expectation of me.   So, we have discussed this & he agreed we would not revisit this topic again until next year because I don’t wanna do it.   He was a little upset that he gave into what I wanted.  He said, “I must really love your ass because I never compromise.”

Fast forward almost 24 hrs later, somehow we got back on this topic & it was a huge debate.  We exchanged words.   “You knew what I wanted when we first got together.  I told you this is what I liked.”  And in all fairness, he did.   However, I had been up front since the first time we spoke that I didn’t want to do that.   I was honest about what I was looking for in a potential mate.  Hell, I even showed him my writing on it.  After a little while he decided that I needed to take some time to really think about if being in a relationship with him is what I wanted.

I was pissed the fuck off.   I have compromised for you.  I send the occasional naked photo and even let you video tape us having sex for the first time (don’t judge me people, I am the lady of pure filth for a reason), yet you can’t concede this one thing for me.   We weren’t even suppose to discuss this matter again until next year.

*takes a breath*  I know he said this was to give me a chance to think without him around, but it feels like I am being punished for not only sticking to my guns for what I didn’t want, but for getting him to actually compromise for me.   It also makes me feel you don’t love me as much as you say – you don’t leave a person alone for days.   You work through an issue with a person, you have to compromise for a relationship to work.  Maybe, I am asking too much of a person with a Dominant personality.   But, in my mind, this sets a bad precedent – if I don’t do what you want then you are going to leave me alone for a few days in hopes that my desire to be with you is stronger than sticking to what makes me comfortable for now.   You don’t get your way and then I am out.

*sigh*  I got some soul searching to do.   I need to weigh the options.  I need to listen to my heart.  I need to trust my feelings.   Yes, our connection is strong, but if you loved me like you say you do then you would be willing to meet me part of the way.   Maybe I am not enough.  Maybe I am too much.   All I know is by Thursday afternoon I better have an answer because I feel like no matter what I decide, I won’t be able to back out it.

Fear, commitment & I said what??

Commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. 

I can’t recall ever seeing a successful or healthy relationship growing up.  I didn’t understand what that consisted of & even now, I have a hard time believing a great relationship doesn’t have to include a lot of trauma and drama.   Many people think they know what it takes to be in a healthy, committed relationship but we fail because you are looking at the outer beauty of someone, what they can provide for us, will they fit into the box of expectations I hold, or simply because we don’t wanna be alone.

I am afraid of commitment.  It is official.  It means I know I am going to be held to certain expectations.  I know it means if I agree to be with you, damn it, I got to be with you good & bad times.   It means allowing myself to be vulnerable & seen.  Sometimes, I wear a tough veneer so people can’t see deep down inside I am a sensitive, teddy bear who just wants to be adored and accepted for who she is – flaws and all.

*sigh*  We have continued to talk, discuss, and grow closer together.  Almost a month of talking & dating is a short amount of time, but he makes me feel comfortable.  After much discussion, we decided we were going to meet privately so we could do as he said “whatever you are comfortable with.  It’s all your decision.”   That could include watching television, talking, or becoming intimate.  He decided we wouldn’t have a play session this first time.  He felt I didn’t need that right now.  I needed closeness, intimacy, and sexual connection.

*shakes head*  All up to me?   The idea of becoming intimate actually made me nervous.  I couldn’t put my finger on why.  He actual makes me feel comfortable.  It is like I have known him for years & he feels the same way.   When I arrived, I was actually calm.  I was happy to see his face.  He smiled at me & hugged me tight.  We talked, we laughed, we tried to watch television but the signal was out.   Then after a while, he sat down next to me.  We looked at each other & he asked me, “are you sure you want to do this?”  I smiled & said “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”

He kissed me & damn- we were touching, kissing, cuddling, & making love.   It was good. If I can laugh, tease, and enjoy looking at you while having amazing orgasms, it is a definite win for me.   Then the question was thrown down: “is this lust or something more?”  That question slapped me in the face.  I had teased a week earlier that I am sure this is just lust and nothing more because he said, “I think you are beginning to fall in love with me.”

Could this be love?   I wasn’t expecting this to develop into something.   I didn’t answer at first because fuck – if I answer one way I would be lying & if I told the truth I would have to own the other parts of that truth.   Once again, he is relentless so the question kept being repeated at times as his body was on top of mine & he was staring into my eyes with those baby blues.  I wasn’t getting out of this.   And in a moment of letting go I said the words I had been trying to avoid: “no, it isn’t lust.  It is falling in love.”  He replied as I expected, “I know” and kissed me hard.    Somewhere along the lines, I dropped my guard & committed without hesitation.   He let me know I was a taken woman – I had a Sir and a man (boyfriend).
So, later that night I stayed after a munch to talk with my girls.  We discussed all the things going on in our lives & I had to own the truth.   And I don’t know if it was what I said or the tone in my voice but one of them turns to me & says “you have a boyfriend” & the other “you have a Sir”.   And I panicked on the inside for a while.  I haven’t had either in a while.  I became committed & realized that is what I feared the most.  I am a lady with a significant other but how did this happen so fast & without me throwing multiple roadblocks down.   *stomps foot*

I had to deny this to be true because things don’t happen that easily for me.  They don’t just fall into place.   So, I talked to him throughout the day & even skipped my workout to spend time with him on the phone while he was working.   And we got into a heavy debate regarding this commitment & because he likes to antagonize me – “I like to see you get all defensive and mad.  It’s cute. *You can’t see it but I’m giving a lot of side eye*.”  He said that I would be willing to do anything he wanted & I said no.   We went back and forth until he threw truths in my face.  And I had to calm down & agree he may have a point.   He got that tone in his voice that I have only heard a few times, but I know he is being super serious: “I will go slow into trying anything with you.  I will never hurt you.  I already said I was going to open you up to trying new things & you already have done things you wouldn’t try before.   Baby, I am not going to leave you.  If anything, you would leave me first.  I am happy you are mine because we are going to explore a whole hell of a lot.”   Well, damn, how can I argue with that.   And then he said those words that made me curse because I felt it to – yes I said it back, though I did say them to him yesterday without fully realizing it.

So, guess I am someone’s significant other & submissive.  How did this happen so fast?  How did a potential no turn into a definite yes?   He earned me.  He said, “I knew you were mine after the first day we met.”  He didn’t check all my boxes, but he is consistent.  He makes me a priority.  He shows me I am adored.  He let’s me know I am cherished & beautiful.  He definitely doesn’t hide behind smoke & mirrors.  And he cares about me not only as a submissive, but as a woman.  He makes me smile; I am taking a chance & feel like I am a lucky girl!

 

If it takes you twenty years to make a decision, I will wait!

The answer hasn’t been a no.  I still haven’t really talked about him again with my friends except for a couple: one doesn’t care, she has stated her peace & her opinion is set – such is life.  The other is encouraging & said no matter what she will love me.  I was going to write him off, I am a jerk that way sometimes.  Thing about dominant men is this – if they really want you, they are fucking relentless.   He is tenacious in a good way.  He doesn’t push, but he doesn’t hide his intentions or desires.  He makes me want to punch him in the face at times because of how brutally honest he can be, but he also knows how to make me laugh.   I have expressed my concerns to him.   He not only listens, he understands, he hears me.  He also doesn’t push for me to make a decision.  He encourages me to take my time & see how it goes.  “If it takes you twenty years to make a decision then I will wait.”   What?   Who says that?  Who does that?  Are you insane?  You would honestly wait to be with me?   *blows imaginary hair piece out of face*

He text messages me every morning, except that one morning cause we were waiting to see who would text who first cause I said something sarcastic.  He is consistent.  He fits me into his schedule.  I hate that I can’t read him.  He keeps certain things close to the vest, but he also doesn’t hold back in letting me know – he wants to be with me & potentially for a lifetime (Once again, what?   Who says such things especially to me?).  He definitely gives me an enthusiastic fuck yes in wanting to be with me.

*stomps foot*   He also pisses me off because he is 100% honest not only about himself, but he is 100% in calling out my flaws as well as good points.  He is married, poly, and openly so.  There are no secrets.  There is no hiding.  His wife knows he wants me as his submissive and girlfriend.  She is cool with that as long as we are cool with that.   I wanna say no because you know list & things.   Plus I have done the poly thing before & it didn’t really work.   However, I am now in this potential boat with a guy who isn’t pushing me either way, but wants me.  We plan and God laughs.   Ironically, my gut feeling is to say yes.   I can’t explain why this is a yes.  It should be a no by all accounts.  But, he is hard working, compassionate, funny, & actual desires to know me.  He says it is all up to me.  When & what am I going to decide?  Will I listen to others or march to the beat of my own drum as always?   Will I keep this a secret or be open about it?  I have made some decisions in my mind, but making the final choice is scary either way.  What am I going to do??!!

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Marching to the beat of a different drum.  I have been doing that for what seems like my entire life.  It seems like whenever people push me to make a decision in the way they desire, I either listen or completely rebel.  Always have, and it is not a manner of no one being able to tell me what to do.  It is a matter of listening to my instincts.   My instincts have never been wrong & there are times I have gone against my own voice, but even then the lessons I learned where valuable in ways I didn’t understand til later.

Today ended with me having to come home & take a three hour nap because so many voices and looks of shock swirled around in my head.  Nothing spikes your irritability factor like having your 20 year dating past thrown up in your face, even if just for fun.  Yes I get it, everyone thinks I make horrible decisions when it comes to dating & selecting a mate.  Let’s not split hairs, I could probably write a book on my worst, funniest, and shocking dating moments.  In my defense in my 20’s I was the most naive woman you ever met.  I didn’t get the spit or swallow joke til my boyfriend, at the time, explained it to me (I was 22).

True facts:  If you are a deemed an asshole by someone, you are probably going to love me.  In fact, we probably will get along very well.  So, I do attract men who are assholes.  I have a theory on it.

I am guilty of being picky & writing you off for behaviors I deem awkward.  Guy who would cum in the corner of his bedroom – nope.  Funky looking teeth – nope.  Tiny hands and short nail beds – it might be a no from me.  Don’t practice proper hygiene – that’s an automatic disqualification.

I can be assertive which means when you meet me I am going to say what I think.  I am going to ask you so many questions your head will spin.  I am going to probably appear anything but submissive.   Deal with it, learn to channel it, and I am yours.

 

I also am sensitive and give more chances than many people deserve.  If I love you.  If you mean something to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion – I am not going to be able to break the bond cleanly.  I wish I possessed the talent of cutting people out of my life and not looking back. If I cut a person off you would have had to hurt me so badly it hurts my soul to even look at you. And even then after a few years, you might be able to get back into my good graces with a few rules in place.

The other day I received a message from a dominant that lives close to me.  I read the message & he instantly got points – there was proper grammar, no slang, no one word message, & no dick pic showing as his profile picture.  So, I actually responded.  He wrote back another proper message.   And we started talking.  He wasn’t sexually suggestive.  He wasn’t trying to get me to send nude photos.   He actually held a decent conversation.

There is a negative side because that’s the story of my life.  I should be the Lady of Awkward Dating Situations.  He openly acknowledged that he didn’t meet the criteria of what I was looking for, but he believes he possess a lot of what I desire.  (You can’t see the raised eyebrow but trust me it’s there).  And he honestly laid out his faults on the table to the point my jaw hit the floor more times than I can count.   Amazingly, he said he knew that was a lot of information to take in & told me to go home and think about it.  When I reached a decision to let him know what I decided.

My friends always follow up with me when I am done with a date.  *Side note: I need to just start dating secretively so all bad decisions are just mine to handle alone.*  We talked about what happened: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The overwhelming answer wasn’t just no but hell fuck no.   He and I are definitely different people in a multitude of ways and that is mildly putting it.   If it is on your worse case scenario list, this guy probably has done it or been there.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown because no matter the decision, I alone have to live with the consequences of that decision.  And in some situations I have paid the toll heavily.

So, what is the problem?   Usually, I can make a decision on important matters rather quickly.  My gut never fails me.  However, there is a conflict between my instincts and logical side & I don’t know where the discrepancy lies.   Am I judging the sins of a person’s past way too harshly?  Possibly.  Ever person has a story.  Some people’s story are a lot harder to swallow than others.   Some people’s life decisions are harder to swallow than others.   Maybe because of my profession, I can humanize situation and things others quickly turn their nose up to (which isn’t always a good thing).  I listen and ask the appropriate questions.   I analyze situations because that’s what I do.  I have to have a plan from A to Z.  I have to look at all angles before I make a decision, even when the information isn’t pleasant.

The final decision will probably be a no.  Not because of his past.  Once again no one is perfect & we all have fallen short in one way or another.  It is because though he believes he can give me what I need I don’t see that as a possibility.  We are not of the same background & our lives are different in so many ways.  There are aspects of his life I am not 100% comfortable with & though it has been a while since I have actually been out with a person in a dating looking to progress further way –  I stopped dating people for the sake of dating because I was bored in my 20’s.  I own multiple toys that can bring me to orgasm, I have friends I can go out on dates with, and hell I take myself out on amazing dates by myself.  I can do pretty well on my own.  I just always hate being the person who always says no because of X, Y, &/or Z .  For once, it would be nice to actually tell a person “fuck yes, I would love to go out with you” & in return that person feel that exact same way about me.

“If you want me, earn me” or what I need in a partner

“We need to find you a man.”   First of all, I fucking hate that statement.  “We” don’t need to find me a man.  It is not an essential part of life.  I need food, air, water, my debts paid off, money in the bank, a job in order to live a lifestyle I am accustomed to having, and I even need to workout but a man doesn’t rank as a necessity.

Now, I understand that this person was trying to be helpful and wants me to find happiness.  However, happiness isn’t defined with me being with another person.  I have always believed this: you can’t be happy with another person until you are happy with yourself.   I have taken periods of time restraining from sex, play, and even dating until I could figure out why I wasn’t finding my own personal happiness.

I know where this is trying to go.   What am I looking for in a person?  Do you date black guys?  Do you only white guys?   Second of all, I hate that this even needs to be said but here it goes.  I am open to dating any man of any race, however my preference has always been white and Latino men.   It has been my attraction since I was little.  Probably not gonna change, but since I am in the good old South people have an issue with the fact I interracially date.

But let’s get back to the actual question this person is desiring to know.   What am I looking for in a potential mate?   Well, I would never tell the person asking the entire list because they aren’t part of my circle like that, nor do I feel they have my best interest at heart.  However, sometimes it is nice to put out in the universe what you desire.  So here is what I desire in a potential partner.

I desire a partner who is intelligent & has a sense of humor.  If they are lacking these two qualities then we will not go very far in a relationship.

My partner must be charming, compassionate, & giving.  I am a natural flirt.  It happens sometimes without me even being aware.  I also have a big heart and understand life isn’t always sunshine & rainbows.  People need you when times are great but even more so when times are hard.   If you are an asshole all the time with no empathy for people, we won’t work well together.

My partner must be an animal lover cause I want to adopt all the puppies and kitties of the world, they need to embrace this feeling but also remind me we can’t take every animal home.

I want them to have some similar interest as me, but I want them to have interest different than I do.  I want a partner who can teach me things.  It can be something simple like how to use a grill or how to make a bomb ass cheesecake.

I want a partner who is God fearing & has a relationship with him, however that doesn’t mean going to church every Sunday.  I believe we have a relationship with our creator in a multitude of ways.

I want a partner who has goals, ambition, & a great work ethic.  Their motivation and drive should push me to be an even better person than I imagined I could be.

Sexually, I want a partner who is dominant, sadistic, not afraid to show their affection & love for me.  One who would like to be monogamous cause sharing isn’t always caring.  I don’t wanna be the lead our relationship.  I want a voice, I wanna be heard, and I wanna know at the end of the day decisions are going to be made to benefit the both of us in the best way possible.

I desire a partner who believes in honesty and transparency.   Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Follow through.  I am willing to meet you half way but damn I am not putting in all the work.  “If you want me, earn me!!”

Lastly,  what drives me to get to know a person better and be in a relationship with them stems from my intuition.  I can’t explain it, but there is something inside of me that speaks to me & pushes me to get to know about another person.  It is almost an instantaneous feeling.  And these are the reasons that warrants me not allowing you to “hook me up” with someone because you don’t really know me.

What feels right in your soul…..late night ramblings

What sits or feels right in your soul?    Are you willing to pay a high cost for love?  Are you willing to over look potential flaws in a person for the sake of being with someone?  Are you willing to chase the person you desire in order to make them yours?  Are you willing to accept things that don’t sit well in your soul for the sake of your relationship or even potential relationship?

Desire, lust, and extreme like are all wonderful things when getting to know a person.  The hormones are flowing.  They are the most wonder person ever who is “so different” than the last person you were with.  And then a couple weeks, months, or even years roll by.   We start to notice the annoying things or they something out of left field that leaves you shook.  What the hell do you do then???

You know going to bathroom and leaving the toilet seat up is one thing or even hanging the toilet paper the wrong way is a flaw but I can over look that cause you gotta pee too.  However, leaving me full of doubt, insulting my friends/family, insulting me, physically abusing me (for the average slow Joe, there is a huge difference between consensual BDSM and abuse), or psychologically damaging me because you can are an absolute fuck no!!

“If you are entering into a relationship with another person looking to change them, they are going to resent you for it in the long run.”  My therapist told me that and I found out from both perspectives over time that is the most accurate statement known to man.  We should accept a person for who they are in the beginning but we have hope.  Sometimes we believe we are the person who can change their life.   Here me when I say this because it has taken a few months to sink in for me:  “A person will NOT change until they are ready to make a change.”  Read that sentence again, read it slow.  Let that marinate in your mind.

When a person is ready to meet you half way, they will do it.   When you are a ready to meet a person half way, you will do it.  If you want to change, do it for you.   Trying to adapt to someone else’s belief or ideal of what you should be is a disaster waiting to happen.

We try and push for guys to like us, go out with us, hell accept us in the skin we are in because damn it do you know how scary it is in this world to stand up and say, “I love myself the way I am.”  No addendum.  No apology.  We need to listen to our inner self more.  We need to be better at setting boundaries and walking away from things that don’t serve us anymore.  Or how about this novel concept?   Finding a partner who loves all the pieces and shards of glass that make us who we are today.  Accepting some of our flaws, but knowing when to walk away from behavior, thoughts, and actions that don’t line up with what we want.    Late night ramblings………….