Stop wasting my time!!!

Years ago I came to the conclusion that my relationships would probably be a little more difficult than the average due to some of the traits I desired in a potential mate.   I knew this road wasn’t going to be easy.  I knew that I was going to have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find my dominant, sadistic, yet loving prince.  However, after years of ups, downs, and all the way round shitty people I have come to the conclusion maybe I am better off with dates with friends and my multitude of various toys.

Yesterday was a day to definitely get caught up in your feelings.   Did anything traumatic or over the top dramatic happen.  Nah.  However, between getting to know a new person, being in a room with a former play partner, and being in the room with a guy I dated for a  short while – it was like the ghost of relationships decided to come out and absolutely beat my ass like I owed it money.  I still feel like I need a ice pack for my face.

Anyway, let me start this writing off with the following: This is going to be a semi quick list of things I absolutely can’t stand in terms of a person wanting to be with ME or behaviors I can’t stand once we have parted ways.

(1) I am not a freaking fetish.   Want to get my panties to dry up quicker than the Sahara desert.  Please say the following phrases to me: “I have never slept with a black girl before.” “I have never been with a chubby/fat girl before.”  “I want you but my family wouldn’t be cool if I was in a relationship with you.”  – These are just a few of the phrases but they all usually center around the fact that you see me as a sexual object of desire not based on anything other than my size or skin color.   And if you like me, but want to choose your family over me – that’s fine, however please don’t continue to try to push for a sexual relationship with me.  I refuse to be a secret for anyone.   I loved someone very much & at the end of the day I realized he would never pick me because my color would have been an issue with his family.   That is a horrible thing to come to understand – so don’t be that person.   If you want me, want me because I make you laugh, you think I am smart, I take your breath away, you love me being right next to you, etc. Not because I check off some boxes on your sexual fantasies list.

(2) I know we are an open community in terms of relationships where secondary and tertiary relationships exist however please stop coming to me with that being your best offer.  Let’s put this on the table  – I have been second more times than I would like to acknowledge.   Do I doubt some of these guys love me – of course not.  However, that shit gets old quick.   Why in the world do you think I don’t deserve a person who wants to put me first?   I want a person who is excited to be with me. I want to touch the soul of another.  Of course I desire to stir your sexual nature, but I also desire simple things like going to a movie together, grocery shopping while making jokes, playing card games, watching movies, going on bike rides, & so much more.   I want a person to be my biggest cheerleader.  I want to be their biggest cheerleader with  no conditions, no rules of engagement, not having to cater to another person’s feelings and wants in regards to what I do with you.   Dare I be bold and say in this world of technology & lack of conversation without a phone – I want your undivided attention for a while.   I want to be first & not your fall back option.

(3) My memory is an amazing thing – I pretty much forget nothing.   So, if you are with me in any capacity please understand the moment you start engaging in double standard behaviors – we are done.   Don’t waste my time. Don’t put me in that position.   If you want me but say I can’t do this or that – but then all of sudden I see you with someone else engaging in the behaviors you said you couldn’t do with me.  I am going to be pissed off to maximum capacity.   If you didn’t want to engage in those behaviors with me, then be honest about that. Be a real person and own up to it.   However, don’t think for one second I should be okay with it.  Stop wasting my fucking time.  If you can’t see the issue with your behavior then you are the problem.   Don’t hold me hostage to an impossible standard of no affection, none of this or that but you give it freely to another.   Once again, you have wasted my time & the chance for me to give my full attention to someone who deserves it & preventing someone from taking a chance on me.

(4) If you are in a new relationship, please stop trying to test the waters & see if  there is the potential for something still left with us.   Obviously, I was yours in some capacity & we decided to end our relationship for a reason.  If you didn’t care to go the extra mile & keep me, don’t continually try to see if a reunion is possible.   Nothing is more uncomfortable than being polite, engaging in conversation about life in general while your new partner is shooting daggers from their eyes because they feel/think/know you still care for me.   Please don’t put me in that position.

People say you shouldn’t become jaded towards relationships.  You should always give connection and love a try.  However, how many times should I be slapped in the face in order to find a happy ending.   At what point do you stop trying ?  When does it become enough & you stop accepting sub-par behavior because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt the shit being offered to you isn’t enough.

Learning the layers to your sexuality & sensuality

In my previous writing I talked about a part of me being broken because of two different men which may not be a completely fair & honest statement.  Last year taught me more about myself in terms of personality, relationships, and sexuality than I ever expected.  I dated a few different guys and had short term relationships with two people.

Both men different in various ways but both proved to be toxic.  Both proved to break my heart & open my eyes in ways I never anticipated.  Both guys live thousands of miles apart but both seemed to see the same things in me. The first two things are obvious because I admit both things right off the bat when meeting a potential partner – I am a submissive & masochist.   The other two are things both men saw & I occasionally acknowledge them but didn’t believe they defined part of my sexuality until being forced to take a closer look: slut & degradee.  All four are a dimension of my sexuality; it’s just that all four parts aren’t directly laid on the table upon meeting me.   Another aspect was brought up by the last guy and that is something I will open discuss in a bit.

The submissive   If you really know me, then this isn’t a shocker.  Hell if you read this blog from time to time this isn’t new information.   Years ago I discovered the feelings I had sexually had a name – submissive.  That discovery led me down the rabbit hole of BDSM & eventually spurred me on to step out into the local community.  I hated making choices in the bedroom.  “What do you want?”   I don’t know – what I do know is if you don’t do something with me or to me soon I am going to explode.  Occasionally I have moments where I want to try something or I will give you a very obvious clue I desire to do something but bluntly stating my sexual needs didn’t occur.

Honestly stating my sexual needs can be painful because in the moment I can’t think.  I can feel.  I can whine, cry, and scream out in desire but putting together a coherent thought doesn’t happen.  It is sexual instinct.

However, my submissiveness goes beyond play & sex.   I actually do enjoy providing service to the right person. What are your likes and dislikes?  How can I help make your day easier?   How can I assist you with things you need?  How can I take care of you without feeling like a servant?  How can we better our community?  How can we help others?  Anticipating needs, helping our community, giving back to others, assisting as best possible, making sure the person I serve is comfortable, assuring they are cared for and loved is all a part of service because I expect you to do all of those things in return.

I hate when people say submission is all giving and Dominance is all receiving.  This is a falsehood.  A true balanced D/s or M/s dynamic is a delicate balance of both parties giving & receiving – just in different ways.  But there should always be a balance so no one side feels unappreciated.   Both guys stated what many have seen – I am a strong woman but a true submissive/slave soul lies within me.  I am a good girl.

The masochist –  If you know me, not a surprising revelation.  However, I wasn’t always honest about my need for pain in order to receive pleasure.  I kind of knew but never exactly knew what to call it or even if such a thing existed. I knew I wasn’t exactly normal in terms of what I needed for sexual gratification.  Playing with my nipples was fine but I didn’t soak my panties until you bit my nipples hard & pulled like you were trying to tear it off.  I realized I like to be grabbed roughly.  I like being spanked.  I like the pain associated with various forms of play & sex.  As I moved into the community I learned about flogging, whippings, canes, dragon tails, electrical play, fire play, & so much more.   I also learned about what people referred to as pain sluts & I hated the name.  I didn’t want to be associated with those two words.

Other people acknowledged my masochism before I ever did.  I constantly denied or would compare it to another person.  Then one day I met a play partner who changed my world & forced me to acknowledge just how deep my masochism ran.   The moment that sealed the deal was being at an event away from home & being punched in the arm for over an hour in the same spot hard all while moaning and grinning & then getting a beating in the dungeon. After recovering I went to the bathroom & was shocked by how much I had cum.  I was literally oozing.  I was so surprised I sat on the toilet and wondered what was wrong with me?  Why couldn’t I be a “normal” woman?

Accepting who I was in regards to this took some time.   And I realized I wasn’t a freak of nature. I wasn’t damaged.  I was a girl who enjoyed sex & play in a different manner.  I wasn’t alone & there were people who loved hurting me as much as I loved to be hurt.  And it was perfectly acceptable as long as we all understood it was consensual.

The slut – The two things above doesn’t mean a sexual relationship with me is guaranteed.  Play & sex don’t always go hand in hand (but I will be honest and say when it does it makes life a heck of a lot nicer).   The ability to put your parts into me deepens the relationship.  You are beginning to take all of the above elements and push them into a more intimate moment.   This is where both guys started seeing the complete picture of me.   You see, when I can combine both things, I turn into a uninhibited, needy, slutty, fuck toy.

I love being able to connect with my partners through dirty text messages, explicit emails, sexual video chats, fucking, oral sex (receiving/giving) or accomplishing sexual commands throughout the day.  One of them learned I can come on command if trained appropriately.  And we both learned how much fun it is to make me a needy, wanton woman just by saying those magic words (no it isn’t like a Netflix password anyone can use or hand out to friends.  The person & mental connection makes this happen not just some random jackhole saying it).  After that revelation I was told “your such a dirty little slut.”  Well, I couldn’t say no after he just witnessed me orgasm repeatedly.  So yes, yes I am & you are damn lucky to see this side of me because not everyone gets an invitation to know this part of me.

Let’s make the following things clear.  I don’t apologize for: having a healthy sexual appetite, pushing my relationships further when the chemistry is present, having sexual desires and needs, needing to be used hard, & enjoying pain with my sexual pleasure.  I love sex & the raw unbridle passion that comes along with it.   I enjoy playing & fucking for hours.  Twenty minutes isn’t going to get it.  You need to slot off the afternoon or evening.  I enjoy being a wanton, fuck toy for the right person.  Both of them learned that & pushed me in a territory I never imagined going.  Some things are pleasurable but even I have reservations about a few things.

The degradee –  So down the rabbit hole they took me into a land where pleasure is not only associated with pain and need but with a side of humiliation & degradation.   I didn’t think I could ever get off on either thing.  In the world of kink I continually learn to never say never.   Both men presented me with things they desired to do to me & my answer was absolutely not which eventually changed into maybe.   “Don’t be closed off to new things just because in your mind you have already said no.  *huffs*  It’s fine you want to call me your dirty fuck toy, your slut, but you also wish for me to engage in water sports & be aroused.   *raises an eyebrow*

Discussions and compromises occurred.  I said yes to so many things.  I begged & pleaded for these things.   I loved the energy.  The loss of control & being able to be a dirty little slut because I had to be.  Until it was time to do the one thing I always said no to – water sports.   The first time was quick and I immediately showered.   It was his first time as well as mine.   We both shared a moment where we were both each others first despite years in kink.    The next time was with the other guy & it was a degrading sexual experience – I still remember well.  When it was all over he sat down next to me & said “see what happens when you say yes instead of no.  You learn you do like something.”   I couldn’t look at him but he forced me to look him in the eyes so I understood how he felt – “I’m very proud of you.   You are a very good girl.”

There were other things and moments but what I learned in that moment is – it is okay to do things that aren’t considered normal.  Does it please you? Does it please your partner?   Are you open to trying something you never have done before?   Do you realize you are loved not only for being your self but for allowing your sexuality to be fully released and even challenged?

Both of these men brought this element out & I am not 100% comfortable with this yet.  I have already had to conquer the labels of submissive & masochist but adding a woman who also enjoys degradation and humiliation maybe too much. What does that say about me?   How far does the dark side of my sexuality go?   What is enough?   Are there limits?  Is sex just better the dirtier, nastier, & more taboo it is for me?   Perhaps it is.  But I also learned with the last guy that I do have limits & areas I just won’t go.  The fifth aspect that doesn’t count as a part of me but I have engaged in is race play.

Race play – Years ago I had a partner that enjoyed race play.  At the time we met I didn’t know this.  We had talked about it one night & then gradually he started introducing into our play & sex.  Eventually, he started associating certain words & my ability to orgasm or get extremely wet.   There was never a question of how much he cared for me.  I always knew I was his most loved & treasured girl.  I also knew if anyone said anything cross to me – he would absolutely murder them.

Fast forward to this past year – one of the guys I ended up with enjoyed race play.  I figured it had been a while but I guess I could give it a try until I realized he wasn’t playing.  He honestly had some extreme views towards women of color & close-minded views in multiple areas.   I tried to make it work but the soul of me cringed & ached just hearing him talk.  He was protective in some ways but definitely had the potential to become more abusive as time went on.  I was viewed as nothing more than object to control.   Nothing will shut down a potential relationship faster than being told, “you are a very lucky nigger to find such a strong Dominant white male to care for you.”   It completely shattered my views of race play.  And as I began to research it more I realized it was a way for some people to take out their prejudices under the guise of play.

Questions still linger in my mind however:  Was he correct in the fact I was lucky to be with him?  Was I everything he thought I was?  Would he have eventually hurt me even though he promised he would never hurt me?  Could I live with myself knowing I was sleeping next to a man with such hateful ideas?   The answers I always come to is no.  It is hard living with the idea of knowing I was with a man who believed such things even if for a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could be with him to help change him however YOU can’t change people with core beliefs like this.  You can’t blame yourself.  You can’t live a life of shame, fear, & disgust hoping to bring someone to the light.

Overall, both men saw things in me that I knew existed & drew things out of me I never imagined.  Both did things that hurt me in ways I never imagined but they both left footprints in my soul & mind that will never be forgotten. No one ever said life lessons were easy.  No one ever said in the world of kink even as an experienced top or bottom that you can’t get fooled, you can’t fall down the wrong path, or be devastated.

I am a submissive, a masochist, a slut, & a degradee.  Do these four dimensions make me feel bad about myself? Absolutely not.  They are a part of me but aren’t the total definition of who I am .  Play & sex are physical but the mental aspect is absolutely key.  Both men knew how to reach me mentally & physically.  There is an unexplainable loss.   However, if those two can eventually see those parts of me & more so will another person.  This time, hopefully, this person will be worthy of knowing all the parts of me. My choices may still haunt me but it is continually reinforced that I want to be respected, loved, & seen for the individual I am – not the fetish, fantasy, or separate parts a person desires me to be.

Life’s a journey not a destination

*takes a deep breath & exhales*  Life has gotten incredibly busy in the last few weeks but I am not complaining. Things are beginning to take off in a positive direction in more ways than I could have imagined & I can only think they will get better.  This is going to be a random writing all over the place to get out a few things so……yeah!!

YAY for finally starting a new job & I am home.  Learning the ropes hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined but then again I always imagine things to be harder than what they really are.  The people have been nice but of course I am still learning many of them.  Rediscovering home has been exciting.  A lot can change in a year that’s for sure.  Do I miss Texas?  Of course I do.  However, life has taken me to this moment right now & I can’t live in the past.  I have to make new memories & live in the now.  Otherwise new opportunities are going to pass me by.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

My BDSM family makes the transition so much easier.  I am blessed in so many ways to know some amazing men & women who have grown closer to me than I ever imagined possible over the years.  Their hugs, laughter, positive energy, support, & guidance fill my soul.  It is nice to see them more often without having to say goodbye for months at a time.  My girls/sisters, my family, & friends allow me the freedom to be myself without explanation & they can be themselves without explanation or judgment.

On the submissive/slave front I have been asking myself questions & not really coming to any definitive answers. What do I expect out of a D/s or M/s relationship?  What do I bring to the table for a potential Dominant?  Do I want a Dominant controlling every aspect of my life?   How can you distinguish a person interested in knowing me versus a person viewing me as a fetish?  How do I honestly feel about raceplay?   Perhaps one day I will sit down & honestly answer those questions.  All I do know is that lately I keep thinking about two different men who have affected my life in ways I never imagined. Both caused various levels of distress in my life so bad I honestly don’t know what I would do if I saw either one man again.

Both men made question my submission in very different ways.  Both have made me question myself in terms of being a good slave.   I use to believe I wanted to be a slave for the right person but both people were wrong for me & in turn broke a piece of my slave heart with their actions.  One made me question the integrity of someone claiming to be Dominant.  The other just showed me how some dynamics can go from loving to abusive.   *sigh*  Perhaps another day I can write about this & lay all my feelings on the table good, bad, & shameful.

Today I saw an old acquaintance from middle school.  He hasn’t changed a bit in two decades.  He is still a very attractive man who has amazing charisma & a beautiful smile.  Two decades later I am still paling in comparison in terms of looks & grace.  We use to run into each other occasionally in our early teens and twenties.  And I somehow always managed to be looking my absolute worse.  Disheveled hair, no make up, pimple, plain Jane clothing, etc.  He always appeared put to together.   In middle school I had friends but I never quite fit in either.  I was different.  I wasn’t black enough.  I wasn’t thin enough.  I wasn’t short enough.  I had too many white friends.  I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect in some people’s eyes.  I was smart but that’s all I got credit for.  Lol, in middle school he swears we dated & then I got dumped for the head cheerleader of our class.  And that heifer still hates me today.  I ran into her years ago & decided to be cordial.   She looked at me & said, “I knew who you were I just didn’t want to speak to you.”   Apparently, she hated me for dating him & just being alive.

So fast forward to today – I am in my scrubs (not even the flattering pair) with no makeup, hair a complete mess & in need of washing, basically looking very meh.  Surprisingly something amazing happened – I didn’t care.  He called my name & recognized me immediately.  We hugged.  Exchanged pleasantries & carried about our lives.    I may never be the girl who has it all together.  I may occasionally look disheveled & less than beautiful but the older I have gotten the more I have learned to accept myself flaws & all.   I have also learned that not everyone is going to celebrate you. And you don’t have to conform to what society wants in order to be someone of value.  I am always going to be different.  I will always be the girl who loves Ludacris to Faith Hill.   I am always going to be the girl who is semi clumsy.  I will always be the girl who looks like a bitch when she isn’t smiling.  And I am always going to be the girl who has at least three people she knows of who hates her.  And slowly I have learned that is perfectly alright.

 

How honest are you with yourself?

“It is good that they are protective and looking out for you.   But if they don’t know the real you, because you haven’t allowed yourself to be honest with yourself, let alone others….then their advice, while from a good place could have the opposite effect than intended.” 

Some questions/statements linger & this statement jumps to the forefront of my mind. How honest are we about our own desires, wants, & needs especially if they go against societal norms?  Accepting various parts of ourselves can be a difficult process.  It took me years to admit that I was a masochist.  Why?  I knew I liked pain & found it sexually arousing but I didn’t want to be seen as a “pain slut.”  I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. At that time, I didn’t know a lot of people who got off on pain sexually.  Those who did were looked at like an unknown creature with people lining up to prove their Domly Dom skills.  The goal wasn’t to achieve a pleasurable scene for both people but to see how much pain could be dished out to the masochist at hand.  I didn’t want to be associated with being a masochist.  I didn’t want people to look at me as an object to take their frustrations out on.  It was a learning curve & I finally worked up the courage to say proudly I was a masochist.  I learned how to be selective with who I trusted to inflict pain/pleasure on me.  And I found some trustworthy people to do scenes with.

Now, here I am at a cross road again.  Bothered by the fact someone sees something in me that I don’t.  He knew I was a true slave.  He knew I was a masochist, but could I set societal norms aside & be the animal he desired.  He believed I could be but my mentality was an issue.  My inability to shake what society may think & focus my energy on pleasing him.  What society thinks as a whole doesn’t affect me too much obviously because I am a black female submissive & masochist who prefers dating white Dominant men with a sadistic side.   However, I do have to sit with my own moral compass.

Some taboos are just too far for me.  If others like it, then hell who am I to judge.  But there is a balancing act that has to be achieved within myself.  Could I be the woman he desired?  Of course, I could but at what price to my mental, emotional, & physical state.  Yes he was right in the fact I was able to his behaviors inside of the bedroom which were at times degrading.  I don’t come out openly and say I like degradation because there is a line.  I have to know deep within my soul that you love me & outside of a certain moment that type of behavior isn’t going to continue.   It is easy to hurt the soul of the person serving you when they can’t tell whether this is how you truly feel or they know this is what sexually gets you off & doesn’t reflect in anyway what they truly think of you.

Yes, I didn’t flinch much when he said derogatory names towards me.  Conditioning a slave to accept certain things takes work, but once it is ingrained, breaking that learned behavior can be difficult.  I would never go shouting this off the rooftops but I had a Dominant many years ago who conditioned me to be able to orgasm being called a racial slur.   This is the difference between Daddy & this other guy – I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he loved me, this never occurred outside of the bedroom, & he made it a point to explain to me why he conditioned me that way.   And part of it still works today – I am able (usually) to maintain my cool if I hear the word said which was one of his goals.   He treasured me & treated me like a princess.  He is one of the few men who truly made me see my beauty inside & out.  He didn’t view me as sub-human or less than – if anything Daddy use to make me feel like I could take on the world like I was a super hero.  He made me feel like I could do no wrong.   He could be rough, demanding, and the sexually nastiest man I knew, but he also was loving, kind, protective, charming, & made sure to reinforce to me I was his world.

Did this other guy see the real me or what he wanted to see in me?   The answer is not black or white.  Perhaps it is one of those gray areas & we both see different shades of gray. What I do know is – societal norms are important but have never dictated my choices in terms of relationships, etc.   The real me is a wanton, dirty, slut who enjoys being played and fucked rough, who needs pain to get off, & yes even a little degradation at times.  I am also a girl who believes in being loved, respected, adored, wanted, & seen as a capable woman.  I am far from sub-human.  I am not an animal.  And I would never deny who I am in order to please people I don’t freaking know.   I just refuse to change who I am to fit the mold of what someone desires.  I refuse to live a life that could border on a prison sentence.  BDSM isn’t abusive nor does it tear a person down.   So I know the real me.  The people that love me, know the real me.  Perhaps you should have taken the time to see the real me.

The spirit of you & me occasionally likes to visit me

Over the top romantic gestures, flowers, candy, hearts, and over the top public displays of affection – does not describe any relationship I have ever been in.   I have a tendency to attract men who many would describe as harsh, opinionated, assertive bordering on arrogant, & dare I say an asshole.   Look in their defense – I have my quirks and oddities.   What fascinates me is I have always been able to see beyond the exterior of what these guys show.  I see the layers they hide from the world & in those moments I see the beauty in them.  And in return, they see the beauty in me & I am shown love in a different way than most would imagine as loving gestures.   However these men & relationships are not without their flaws (I am not leaving myself out of that equation in terms of flaws).  Occasionally, I find a person that is just flawed – someone where compromise isn’t an option.

The past few nights I have had dreams about you.  I can almost feel you around me, close to me, etc.  The saying might be true that once you have sex with another person part of their energy transfers into you.  We had amazing conversations & you definitely could make me laugh.   Part of your Dominance spoke to me.  You were so demanding but when you actually gave a true heartfelt compliment it was felt.  Sexually, you understood what I needed even in the moments I didn’t understand what I needed.  You can be abrasive yet you also have moments where you can almost be calming & nurturing.  You made me realize being open to trying new things isn’t such a bad thing. Surprisingly, you taught me things about myself I didn’t know.

So, why am I not by your side right now when moments, like today, I sorta miss you.  Easy, you would never be able to view me as a woman.  I never wanted to be your equal, but I refuse to be with a person who sees me as sub-human.  I can’t support a man who doesn’t support others.   And ironically, if it wasn’t for those things, I actually could have seen a rewarding relationship for both of us.  As I get older I realize that you can’t change people.   You can’t sacrifice your values in order to be with someone because you see the potential in the relationship.  Many years ago I would have tried to be what you needed hoping you would change & see what we could be if you just changed.

Is it pathetic that I still have moments where I wonder about you?   Is it sad I want to know what’s going on with you despite being the one who decided I wasn’t the right fit for you? Many people would say yes.  I say unfortunately it is just the way I am designed.  I won’t call it a character flaw that I care about people who I have shared intimate moments with.  I wish I could be like others & dismiss a person like they were nothing.

However, I do choose to focus on the missing pieces.  The parts of a dynamic I need/desire which is intimate touch.  I love hugs & kisses at the right moments.  I want to know I am not only needed but wanted.  I want to touch a person’s heart & soul.  I want us to be a team.  A team that helps each other improve.  A team that is willing to correct the other when wrong.   A team where you lead & I follow because I simply know you are capable.   A partner who believes in the D/s or M/s dynamic but doesn’t misuse that position & pushes our relationship into an unhealthy place.   You weren’t capable of giving me those things.   And I was incapable of providing you what you needed.   Both of these things are perfectly fine.   Hopefully, I was able to teach you something or leave an impression in your mind or on your heart.   In the end all I can do is take care of myself & push forward even when my thoughts drift to you.   No person is all good & no person is all bad – I just wish you could have been more open minded.

 

Re-learning your worth as a submissive (or making a dumb choice because you can’t help it).

“Most of our mistakes, the big ones at least, are the result of allowing emotion to overrule logic.  We knew the right choice but didn’t obey.” 

Occasionally my emotional side overrules my logical side.   It is a weakness of mine to search for the good in a person instead of believing they are an absolute asshole.  Relationships ending always feels like a failure to me even when logically I know we weren’t meant to be.   I am always left with the feeling – could I have given more?  Did I fail at this relationship because of work obligations?  Do I fall short because I am trying to achieve a balance of friends, relationship, self-care, and career?   D/s and M/s relationships can become all consuming.   After 10 years in the lifestyle, occasionally I find myself being defined as not submissive enough (whatever the hell that means).

When the guy in my previous writing ended our relationship a month or two ago I struggled with the feeling of wanting to be back with this person.   I wanted to show him I was in fact submissive enough but I also wanted to prove you don’t have to lose yourself along the way.   I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so important to prove myself to a man who is a misogynistic, racist, & homophobic dick (obviously he does have a side I liked that was different than that).   I wanted to prove myself to a person that I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends & family.   And I still can’t provide a valid reason as to why – perhaps I miss the ability to serve, perhaps I miss actually being in a relationship, perhaps my ass needs to add in a new hobby.

We started talking again & the next thing I knew we had struck an agreement for me to come stay with him for four days.   I would serve him in a domestic fashion as well as sexual.  I agree with hesitation.   He continually reassured me he was not going to hurt me.  He didn’t want to hurt me.   He wanted to see had I changed & could I be the slave he desired.  I tried a few different things to get out of this but all my attempts failed.   Four days – I can do anything for four days; even if it’s to spend time with a man who enjoys degrading and humiliating me for his enjoyment.

Truth – sexually we are compatible on multiple levels.  I love degradation and humiliation sexually with the right person & privately.   The things I enjoy I would never mention in the presence of polite company.   In the moment, I lose control.  I drop pretense, ladylike behavior, & become an insatiable sexual creature that knows no bounds.  I want to be pushed and used hard.  I don’t want to make choices.  I don’t want gentle or polite.   And he knows how to push my sexual limits better than most. He has a devil dick as I call it.  It is beautiful but there are other pretty penises in the sea.   Sexual compatibility aside, we have common interest in music, movies, candles, sports, and enjoying various outdoor activities.   However we are two fundamentally different people & being with him for multiple, consecutive days started raising multiple concerns for me as to what a future together would look like.  It also made me realize the differences in the value systems we hold.

(1) Minorities, women, LGBT, & submissive men are equal to anyone else in this world.  They/We are strong individuals capable of doing any and everything imaginable in this world.   We are amazing.  And as Jessie Williams said “just because we’re magic doesn’t mean we’re not real.” I am a champion & believer in every person regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, or consenting sexual preferences.  I am not tolerant of inequality so the good ol’ boys can feel better about themselves.

Obviously, he doesn’t agree with my views.  He believes white males are superior. Males who are submissive are weak. Females are here to serve & can’t be dominant. Every minority is inferior & being homosexual or bisexual is a choice.  (Yes because some of the people I know would gladly choose to endure the discrimination they have faced due to their sexuality.  And all I can say is say that stuff to any female Dominant or male submissive I know – they will eat him for breakfast.  And don’t get me started on the various, beautiful minorities in this world.  I digress)

(2) Submissive/slave females must be careful in the lifestyle.  There are many wonderful Dominant men & women out there, however there are also a plethora of predators/abusers who use the lifestyle to hide their true intentions.   Learning the difference can save your life.

A nice face slap can cause me to grin from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat. However, slapping me out of the fucking blue for shits and giggles doesn’t sit well with me.  Calling me degrading names outside of sexual play is a good way to cause insecurity issues.   And feeling like my primary function is to be a maid, chef and occasional fuck toy doesn’t work either.

I was taught that being in a D/s relationship does involve sacrifice but outside of a few things – it is a relationship of trust, respect, & love. Perhaps I am too modern but I want to love, cherish, honor, & respect my partner however I also want the same level of commitment in return.   It makes a person no less Dominant to spoil his or her little letter.  It doesn’t throw off the exchange in power to show genuine concern and love for that which you own.  Breaking the spirit of your property isn’t dominance- it is a form of abuse.

(3) Welcome to the real world where careers, bills, extracurricular activities, children, families, friends, and the stress of everyday life exist.   24/7 isn’t feasible for everyone though many of us try.

I love my career & the idea of giving it up to become financially dependent upon another is frightening.  Giving up control in some aspects of my life is great but I want my financial freedom. I have seen & heard stories where it starts off with financial dependence & then months/years later the person is in an abusive  situation with no means of escape. Yes, I understand the majority of Dominant men believe it is their role to take care of the submissive in all ways.  Just because I work doesn’t mean you don’t have control.  You allow me the freedom to be me & still serve you.  You aren’t making me feel like you are taking care of me in exchange for me being a house nigger.

(4) Lastly, I found his red swastika t-shirt while putting away clothes & things changed immediately.   Controlling my anger was difficult especially when he said, “I’m not racist.”   Questions followed & he admitted well yeah I am racist with my views on inferiors but it doesn’t mean I hate them (looks at skin color to make sure it is still brown – yep…still brown).  My focus shifted. I am an adult with the ability to walk away from your foolishness.  However, my mind went to the little one not home from school yet.  A beautiful interracial child you had & now are raising.  A child whose soul made me giggle & smile.  A child who doesn’t say much but processes everything.  The little one who will grow up facing obstacles you know nothing about.  The little one who will be judged because of the color of his skin.  The little one who has a father who views him as partially flawed because of half of his DNA.  And my heart breaks because you do love this child but you have the great potential of breaking this child.

I want to steal this child before they see you mistreat a woman of color since they are your preference.  I want to steal this child before they learn their father is a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic & homophobic person in the world.  I want to shelter you & can’t because you aren’t mine.  Years from now I know thoughts of you will cross my mind & I will hope that you are well.  I will hope your father’s view points haven’t been passed down. And I hope you see yourself as strong, talented, and amazing just how you are.

So, what I learned in those four days was no matter how sexually attracted you may be to a person, if your values are extremely different, the relationship has no chance of survival.   You can’t change a person or make them see the value you possess.   You can’t change who you are as an individual without losing your fire. Some things are not negotiable.

As a submissive/slave – remain true to who you are.  The journey is long & sometimes hard especially when you are looking for that special person to spend the rest of your life with.   Continue to be picky, don’t believe you can settle for x, y, or z; you will be extremely sorry. There is plenty of other men in the sea & the majority of those men aren’t racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, or homophobic.

PS:  No, we definitely will not be seeing each other again.

Expectations, reality, and not being a Stepford sub

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” – William Shakespeare

We are all guilty of it.  Doesn’t matter how you identify: Master, Dominant, Top, Daddy, Switch, bottom, submissive, slave, &/or babygirl:  we all have a preconceived notions of what our relationship will be like with our chosen partners. We have a list expectations and ideas.   We envision what our everyday life with this person will be like.  Sadly, we also become frustrated and disappointed because what we envision doesn’t match up with reality.  We fail to account for jobs, kids, responsibilities, vanilla life, families, friends, managing our own expectations, etc.

I am not a Stepford submissive/slave.  I don’t fit the traditional role of what some expect.    I am outspoken at times, sarcastic, witty, playful, fail to understand the meaning of stoic, and won’t let anyone speak to me anyway you feel (yes, I am a submissive/slave, but if YOU don’t own me – then you don’t have the right to me).  This is a part of my personality. However,  I am also compassionate, service-oriented (not always in the traditional sense), crave rules and structure, desire to make my Master proud of me regardless of what I am doing, and possess a loyalty that is something fierce.

However, please don’t smolder out my flame;  learn to tame it.  Understand how to play with it, control it, wield it to your command.  Stimulate my mind.  Shed off my armor of protection off and stand me naked/vulnerable in front of you before I realize what happened.   I will be shaky.  I will resist the flow because I have trust issues.  I will fight till you have figuratively and literally pinned me down breathless and begging for you to consume me.  I don’t do these things because I want to be a bratty girl.  Oh, no – sadly I do it to see are you strong enough to handle the flame within.  Can you guide me and lead me to be the best version of myself for you and me?  I don’t want to to rule to land.  I hate making decisions.  I just want someone who can shut off the noise in my head and just allow me to be.

So what the heck do I want?  A man who is stronger than me emotionally, mentally and physically.  Be a good leader.  Be someone who isn’t afraid to teach me because I don’t know it all.  I expect to be cared for, respected, loved, and valued as your most treasured possession.  As a slave/submissive could my expectations be too high?   Some Big letters aren’t looking for a life partner/slave to love, dominate, provide service, and cherish in all ways.  Some desire a person to control, a person to serve, and don’t care if you care for them or not.   Your function isn’t to be seen as a person.  You are there to simply serve a purpose.   And some people submissive/slaves don’t want to be cherished or loved.   They want to be seen as objects to serve without fail no matter how degrading or humiliating the task.

As our parents taught us early – life isn’t always fair.   Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but sometimes we end up with what we need.  Does that mean having expectations and desires are a bad thing?  Does that mean we get so wrapped up in our expectations we fail to see the possibilities before us simply because it isn’t wrapped up in the package we expected?

My reality has always differed slightly from my expectations.   Eventually because of that my expectations changed, grew, or expanded.  Initially, I never wanted to be with a sadistic person.  I didn’t want to be with a person who wanted to put rules on my behavior.   However, I met a person who saw the masochist in me before I did.  He saw the girl who needed rules and guidance.  And he was one of the best people for my growth within & outside of the lifestyle.  I learned how to grow beyond the boundaries I thought possible.   This person wasn’t close to some of the things I wanted but in the end he surpassed my expectations & needs. He taught me so many things about myself including the fact that I was truly a stunning, slave woman.

Right now.  I am at that crossroads again.  I have met a man who doesn’t fit into the expectations I have, yet he intrigues me.  We don’t see eye to eye on a few things, but let’s talk about how he fits the box.  He actually guides, teaches, and leads – calmly & sometimes without you being aware he is doing it.  He communicates – there are no hidden messages, he wants to know your truth and he also respects you enough to give you truth in return.   He believes in transparency even to the point where I am uncomfortable (I never thought I would say there was such a thing as too much transparency but there might be).   He is sadistic, Dominant, intelligent, and understands what it means to stimulate the mind.

However, reading his profile online actually left me speechless (not in the good way).  When he emailed me, I told him I was pretty sure I am not the kind of woman he was searching for.  And somehow we kept emailing, which lead to texting, which lead to phone calls & then lead to us meeting each other.   He has captured my attention but he is not in the box I envisioned. He makes me want to drop my armor, but naked and vulnerable would mean falling down the rabbit hole.  It would mean following the path and fear of the unknown is always something scary to this girl.   What does my loyalty mean to this person?   What are the risk and benefits to my psyche?   Am I scared because what he wants doesn’t fit into the expectation box I envisioned – hell yes!!   The point of no return – once you start a journey you can never go back.  Falling into the deep end of the pool.   Learning perhaps I can swim better than imagined.  I can be something I don’t see in myself.    Will it change who I am?   Essentially, no I will be the same woman I am today.   Will I have to face my truth?   Yes, I will.    Perhaps we stop ourselves from truly being free by placing so many limits on ourselves.  Perhaps we stop ourselves from truly being happy because of the expectations we place on ourselves and others.