Sometimes you just need to be brave for 20 seconds…..

Recently I celebrated my birthday & I wasn’t really expecting much from the day.   Another year older & perhaps another year wiser.   I had to work for part of my birthday which doesn’t bother me.   I was sitting at the desk when the man I have had a crush on for months walked in.   He said hi, handled official business, and then stopped to hold an actually, long conversation with me.

We talked about our lives & what it is like to date now versus when we were growing up.   He isn’t looking for a hook up.  This is a man I haven’t encountered in a long while.  One who appreciates the art of dating.  He wants coffee dates where you discuss life and family, he wants to go to dinner & movies.  He doesn’t believe in kissing a girl til after a few dates.  He wants to actually learn about the person.   I didn’t think it was possible to be even more smitten with this man but I was so wrong.  I told him it was my birthday & he wished me a happy one.  It also gave him a chance to ask how old I was & me to ask him in return – we are in the right age bracket for dating each other.   Our conversation was going well & we both had forgotten about work until his phone rang with an emergency call & he had to leave suddenly.

*sigh*  I had to go check on a few things and started working again myself.  I returned to my area to see a gift on the desk.   It was wrapped and decorated.   I kind of looked around at my co-workers and asked which one of you did this?   Everyone said, wasn’t me.  Inside I knew who it was but I just couldn’t believe it.   Then I saw the notes & candy.   Not only are you a good man. You are creative and thoughtful.   I was speechless and all I could do was smile.   I sent him a message thanking him for the gift.

Throughout the night I kept thinking of taking the chance and giving him my number along with a sweet message.   I typed a message and would just close my screen on my phone.  All sorts of things went through my mind:  what if I am misreading his signals?  What if he isn’t interested? What if he is just being nice?   What happens if he says no?    After a while I was sitting there looking at the gift, smiling, looked at the message I typed, took a breath, & hit send.   And I immediately became nauseous.  What the hell did I just do?   I am not that girl.  I am not that brave.   This is not like me to act this way towards a guy I really like.  He’s gonna say no & laugh at me.   (Yes, I am a drama queen of worse case scenario).

An hour later I received a message & once again I was speechless.  He is interested and would love to go out sometime.  We exchanged numbers and I am so glad he isn’t standing in front of me because I am smiling so hard and blushing.   I was brave for 20 seconds, took a chance & it went better than expected. I am excited to hang out with him and get to know him better. I don’t know if he is kinky & honestly I don’t think I care.   But those are discussions we will have down the road.   Maybe he will turn out to be a great friend or perhaps so much more.  All I know is I have to remember how to officially date & wait.   After that, the day just got better and better.  If this is any indication of my year, it is going to be one amazing  year for sure.  Now, I have to go wipe this stupid grin off my face.

Are you willing to pay the ultimate price for love?

“Because if we’re going to go through this shit, it should be for a purpose. Right? Do we not love to be loved? Or have women like me mastered the art of being starter relation/situationships? Do we provide men like you with everything necessary to become the men you want to be—without us? Is that how this works? Who made these rules? I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way.I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way. But how am I supposed to celebrate growth that happened at my expense? What am I to make of a strength, nourished by food I cooked and dreams I fed, that I’ll never experience? There are far too many of us doing the emotional labor of birthing men we’ll never get to have and hold.”

In the name of love, we go above and beyond.   As a woman, it’s almost ingrained in us that our job is to sacrifice in order to help your significant other excel.  If you worked hard to further your education & then excel in your chosen career field, you are expected to give up your career, stay home, raise the children, & take care of your husband’s needs in the name of love & family.   You strive to always look physically attractive for your mate.   You need to support his dreams and goals.  You must learn to enjoy what he likes.    And many of us almost break our fucking necks trying to live up to what you believe his expectations are whether real or imaginary.

Ultimate sacrifices in the name of love usually comes at high cost.   Throughout the relationship, you are supporting his dream & goals while slowly letting go of your dreams & goals.  Forgoing advancement in your career & trading it all in for housewife status means becoming financial dependent on this person.  You are no longer expected to engage in intellectual conversations because housewives are only allowed to speak about diaper genies or some husbands want you to be seen only.   You walk on eggshells hoping not to arouse his frustration or anger, while sweating your ass off in the gym & then making sure your hair is just right in order to maintain your level of attractiveness to your mate.

Yet men can let themselves go physically, are congratulated on their drive & determination towards advancing in their careers, follow their dreams, & are seen as the only leaders of the household.    However, women are their cheerleaders, supporters, nurturers, & stepping stones & their love, efforts, and support are graciously rewarded either with infidelity, divorce, heartache, dismissal, or being traded for a piece of arm candy now that they have arrived either physically, financially, or emotionally.

I, unfortunately, know all about this sacrifice.   I know what it is like to continually put in work on a relationship where you are undervalued, unappreciated, & traded for a more acceptable model.   I know what it means to fight for someone because you feel obligated & like a failure for giving up on that person.   Because good women don’t give up on their man when the going get’s tough.  You dig your heels in and start fighting harder.  Right?   Because at no point is it acceptable to consider your own self respect, self worth, or self value, right?   We aren’t allowed to have boundaries, limits, and expectations.   We aren’t allowed to desire to be loved in return when we have loved you all along the way.   Because as women we are taught to be martyrs.  We are pushed to believe we aren’t complete without having someone in our life.  We are tricked into believing our self worth comes from the approval of others.  We are taught putting ourselves first is selfish, bitchy behavior.   Yet, men are continually praised and encourage to pursue these behaviors, thoughts, and needs.  So what do we get in return for so much?

“Depression. Suicidal ideation. Substance abuse. Retail therapy and maxed credit cards. Entertaining {men} we don’t even like just to feel wanted. So many forms of self-harm. We pay with our bodies. Sometimes our lives. And even in that trauma, we still find ways to sow deeper into the love we have for you, hoping it will get better. We cry out to God and give in to you. Our legs wrapped around your waist, praying yours don’t walk out of our lives. And then…when you’re done…we painfully watch you leave.”
I can honestly say when I was younger, I gave my all to one man because we told each other we loved each other. I knew I wanted to make this relationship work because he was the man I wanted to marry.   I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.   I didn’t see the warning signs that this relationship would be toxic.  I accepted his cheating ways & behavior of other relationships because I never expected to find a man that would find me sexually attractive.  I never thought I would be with a man who loved me despite being a fat, chocolate girl who had been told over the years she would never be good enough.   And definitely, not catch the attention of a man who I found attractive as well.   I had found my person & any sacrifice would be worth it, right?   Cause I should just be lucky to find a man who liked me since I didn’t live up to the standards of American beauty.

What did that sacrifice & lack of self worth buy me?  I gained weight, stressed about every little thing I did, weighed every thing I said, & eventually became a neurotic, insecure, emotionally spent woman.   I paid the ultimate price in the name of love despite doing the things expected of a fantastic girlfriend:  I supported his dreams & aspirations, I was sexually open, I tried to maintain some level of physical attractiveness,  I worked hard to not elicit his anger or make him frustrated.  My love, strength, and encouragement was rebuked not once, not twice, but three times.  Off & on, I spent 11 years seeking validation of my love only to be rewarded with an insufficient funds notice on my emotional investment.  And that feeling still lies dormant in my soul like a rotting plaque just waiting for the most inopportune time to flare up and cause me weakness and pain even today.

Yet, this person who is currently on his second marriage, is more confident than ever, a calmer soul, & 17 years later still emails, text, and calls because he still views me as his girl in some ways and a great friend.  The man who has committed to giving his all to another, but can just know without hearing my voice the mood I am in.  The person who still battles with his emotions when it comes to me, but couldn’t meet me even half way.  The person who has a partner who supports his all & has won the game of relationship roulette.  Sacrifices come at a cost for all involved. While my cost have been higher than I would like, others have paid financially, emotionally, mentally, &/or with their lives.   When are we going to start putting a higher market value on ourselves & not give ourselves away so cheaply.

Quotes from a writing blog by Carmen Benbow:  full article here – you should give it a read  & PS: I know that all men are not like this!


Relationships, weakness, and even I get tired

Even the strongest of people have moments of weakness and just need to rest.  Getting ready for work this afternoon I became sick as a dog and after vomiting a few times I had to do what I hate – call in so I could rest my body.  So, since I have been in bed sick, sipping ginger ale, and sleeping I figured why not actually do the thing you love to do but have swept to the side for a minute – write.

Honestly, I have avoided writing for the past few weeks because there has been so many different things going on and a lot of emotions that I just haven’t wanted to truly address but as my therapist once told me -writing is your release.  Which we both found odd because I am a private person but I will share my soul through this sort of medium.  Anyway, I digress.  *sigh*  Where do I begin?

A few months ago my play partner decided to end that aspect of our relationship after four years.  This had nothing to do with me personally but with issues in his own life.  We have remained great friends throughout & we talk almost everyday.  However, it didn’t really hit home about everything until he started coming to events with his new play partner.  And then to have a good friend pull me outside during an event and frankly ask, “Who is that girl?  Are you two not together anymore?  Damn I can’t believe it, you two had the energy and connection.  It was real.”  *hangs head*  Well yes & as my former play partner had said – “we have a lot of history together.”

However, some things fall apart for better things to come together.   Even though we had a great connection, energy, and do love each other dearly.  He can’t provide me the things I need.  And my wants have changed so much over the years.  I no longer want to be anyone’s secondary especially with rules, conditions, and limitations.  Play is a great thing, but I don’t want to be anyone’s whipping post.   I don’t want a person to just play my body.  I want a person who can play my body, give me amazing orgasms, and then wake up next to me in bed.  I desire a person who I can talk to about not just life in general but our life.  I want a person who is proud to show me off and spoils me because I am willing to give that same kind of love and energy to the right person.

As far as the new partner in his life.  I don’t hate her but I don’t like her either.  She really hasn’t made any intentions to get to know me and I sure as hell will not be making any such moves.  I know of her.  I shall be cordial to her but she isn’t a person in my inner circle.  And her connection to my former play partner has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My inner gut doesn’t trust her but that isn’t my concern.

I met a new guy at an event & we hit it off initially because we are in the same type of work environment.  We talked literally for like four hours the first night we met about so many different things.  He expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with me but wanted me to get to know his baby girl better so we could all be on the same page.  I asked all types of questions – she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him because of the age difference between the two of them but they did have a sexual relationship.  Fair enough.  However, it quickly became obvious he was not the one driving the rules of the relationship even though he said he was.  I talked to her a couple of times.  He was calling and texting all the time.  He even stood up in the middle of a munch to announce I wouldn’t be there, I was working without my knowledge or even asking, I had to be informed this was said about me during an event.  We were hanging out on a semi-regular basis then all of sudden communication started fizzing out.

One day he was ranting about all sorts of things and he said “it’s not like I have a potential relationship with anyone else right now.”    So, I had to ask come clarifying questions – I apologized if I misread the situation but were you not trying to pursue a potential relationship with me.  And his answer was well, no.  I thought I was being clear that I just wanted a friendship with you.   Ugh, I wish rent multiple giant billboards across the country that states, “You don’t fuck your friends.”   Friends don’t fuck friends.  Want to kill a friendship real quick, add a sexual component.  We had further words.  He has since tried to text and call but I haven’t been ready to engage in those conversations. We said what we need to say.

So, then me and asshole from Texas had a conversation one day.  I figured after all this time we would never want to talk to me but we started talking again that day on collar space.  In the beginning I started to question my own judgment because he reminded me of why I liked him so much: charming, funny, quick witted, strong, his dominant and sadistic side have always called to me, tender, and amazingly caring.  He has a way of explaining certain situations and things that makes logical sense and immediately calms your soul.

Then he reminded me why I walked away; for you see he also possesses these horrible traits: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, controlling, and narrow minded.  He wasn’t raised this way and his mother would absolutely die if she knew her son was this way.  This is just what he has chosen to believe.   And though I hate these things about him, I am also drawn to him.  He is protective, but he has the potential to be abusive.  I feel it in my bones.   Deep down, I believe we both wish we could change the other person’s view point of life.  I want him to be open minded, less controlling, and a person to help empower people from all walks of life.  He wants me to adapt his view points and be happy being viewed as less than and be dependent on him for life.

So, I did the thing that needed to be done.  I disabled my profile.  His energy isn’t something I need in my world.  And though I am drawn to him in many ways.  I can’t force him to change and become who I want him to be just like he can’t force me to change and become the woman he wants me to be.

The majority of these interactions have left me pretty down on myself (besides relationship issues, transition of job, transition of life).  And like many women, the first thing that happens is we start picking apart our physical features.  For me, it is becomes, what if I could just not be so headstrong.  If I could be more girly.  If only I could pout, demand stuff animals, and be less sarcastic, quick witted, or dare I say proud to be a woman who has opinions and is outspoken.

Suppressing all of these emotions takes its toll.  So what have I been doing to handle all my anger, disappointment, fear, and frustrations – killing it at the gym.  Working out 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for two hours.  Pushing my body to the limit.  Trying to tweak my diet and run away from something.  I don’t know what I am working so hard to outrun.  I don’t know why I am pushing myself to the limit and becoming more and more frustrated when I don’t see changes quick enough.   And just like everything else – I hit a wall.  I needed a break.  Three days off from the gym.  And now I am sick.  Sometimes you just need to stand still and stop running.

Sometimes, you have to stand in the realization that you aren’t super woman.  Sometimes, you need to acknowledge not only where you have been, but everything you have been through. You need to take a moment and realize – you have been through a lot in the last year.  You have experienced hurt, disappointment, pain, frustration, and fear.  You have to acknowledge that life doesn’t always go the way you plan.  Life isn’t always fair.  Just keep swimming.

Stop wasting my time!!!

Years ago I came to the conclusion that my relationships would probably be a little more difficult than the average due to some of the traits I desired in a potential mate.   I knew this road wasn’t going to be easy.  I knew that I was going to have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find my dominant, sadistic, yet loving prince.  However, after years of ups, downs, and all the way round shitty people I have come to the conclusion maybe I am better off with dates with friends and my multitude of various toys.

Yesterday was a day to definitely get caught up in your feelings.   Did anything traumatic or over the top dramatic happen.  Nah.  However, between getting to know a new person, being in a room with a former play partner, and being in the room with a guy I dated for a  short while – it was like the ghost of relationships decided to come out and absolutely beat my ass like I owed it money.  I still feel like I need a ice pack for my face.

Anyway, let me start this writing off with the following: This is going to be a semi quick list of things I absolutely can’t stand in terms of a person wanting to be with ME or behaviors I can’t stand once we have parted ways.

(1) I am not a freaking fetish.   Want to get my panties to dry up quicker than the Sahara desert.  Please say the following phrases to me: “I have never slept with a black girl before.” “I have never been with a chubby/fat girl before.”  “I want you but my family wouldn’t be cool if I was in a relationship with you.”  – These are just a few of the phrases but they all usually center around the fact that you see me as a sexual object of desire not based on anything other than my size or skin color.   And if you like me, but want to choose your family over me – that’s fine, however please don’t continue to try to push for a sexual relationship with me.  I refuse to be a secret for anyone.   I loved someone very much & at the end of the day I realized he would never pick me because my color would have been an issue with his family.   That is a horrible thing to come to understand – so don’t be that person.   If you want me, want me because I make you laugh, you think I am smart, I take your breath away, you love me being right next to you, etc. Not because I check off some boxes on your sexual fantasies list.

(2) I know we are an open community in terms of relationships where secondary and tertiary relationships exist however please stop coming to me with that being your best offer.  Let’s put this on the table  – I have been second more times than I would like to acknowledge.   Do I doubt some of these guys love me – of course not.  However, that shit gets old quick.   Why in the world do you think I don’t deserve a person who wants to put me first?   I want a person who is excited to be with me. I want to touch the soul of another.  Of course I desire to stir your sexual nature, but I also desire simple things like going to a movie together, grocery shopping while making jokes, playing card games, watching movies, going on bike rides, & so much more.   I want a person to be my biggest cheerleader.  I want to be their biggest cheerleader with  no conditions, no rules of engagement, not having to cater to another person’s feelings and wants in regards to what I do with you.   Dare I be bold and say in this world of technology & lack of conversation without a phone – I want your undivided attention for a while.   I want to be first & not your fall back option.

(3) My memory is an amazing thing – I pretty much forget nothing.   So, if you are with me in any capacity please understand the moment you start engaging in double standard behaviors – we are done.   Don’t waste my time. Don’t put me in that position.   If you want me but say I can’t do this or that – but then all of sudden I see you with someone else engaging in the behaviors you said you couldn’t do with me.  I am going to be pissed off to maximum capacity.   If you didn’t want to engage in those behaviors with me, then be honest about that. Be a real person and own up to it.   However, don’t think for one second I should be okay with it.  Stop wasting my fucking time.  If you can’t see the issue with your behavior then you are the problem.   Don’t hold me hostage to an impossible standard of no affection, none of this or that but you give it freely to another.   Once again, you have wasted my time & the chance for me to give my full attention to someone who deserves it & preventing someone from taking a chance on me.

(4) If you are in a new relationship, please stop trying to test the waters & see if  there is the potential for something still left with us.   Obviously, I was yours in some capacity & we decided to end our relationship for a reason.  If you didn’t care to go the extra mile & keep me, don’t continually try to see if a reunion is possible.   Nothing is more uncomfortable than being polite, engaging in conversation about life in general while your new partner is shooting daggers from their eyes because they feel/think/know you still care for me.   Please don’t put me in that position.

People say you shouldn’t become jaded towards relationships.  You should always give connection and love a try.  However, how many times should I be slapped in the face in order to find a happy ending.   At what point do you stop trying ?  When does it become enough & you stop accepting sub-par behavior because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt the shit being offered to you isn’t enough.

Learning the layers to your sexuality & sensuality

In my previous writing I talked about a part of me being broken because of two different men which may not be a completely fair & honest statement.  Last year taught me more about myself in terms of personality, relationships, and sexuality than I ever expected.  I dated a few different guys and had short term relationships with two people.

Both men different in various ways but both proved to be toxic.  Both proved to break my heart & open my eyes in ways I never anticipated.  Both guys live thousands of miles apart but both seemed to see the same things in me. The first two things are obvious because I admit both things right off the bat when meeting a potential partner – I am a submissive & masochist.   The other two are things both men saw & I occasionally acknowledge them but didn’t believe they defined part of my sexuality until being forced to take a closer look: slut & degradee.  All four are a dimension of my sexuality; it’s just that all four parts aren’t directly laid on the table upon meeting me.   Another aspect was brought up by the last guy and that is something I will open discuss in a bit.

The submissive   If you really know me, then this isn’t a shocker.  Hell if you read this blog from time to time this isn’t new information.   Years ago I discovered the feelings I had sexually had a name – submissive.  That discovery led me down the rabbit hole of BDSM & eventually spurred me on to step out into the local community.  I hated making choices in the bedroom.  “What do you want?”   I don’t know – what I do know is if you don’t do something with me or to me soon I am going to explode.  Occasionally I have moments where I want to try something or I will give you a very obvious clue I desire to do something but bluntly stating my sexual needs didn’t occur.

Honestly stating my sexual needs can be painful because in the moment I can’t think.  I can feel.  I can whine, cry, and scream out in desire but putting together a coherent thought doesn’t happen.  It is sexual instinct.

However, my submissiveness goes beyond play & sex.   I actually do enjoy providing service to the right person. What are your likes and dislikes?  How can I help make your day easier?   How can I assist you with things you need?  How can I take care of you without feeling like a servant?  How can we better our community?  How can we help others?  Anticipating needs, helping our community, giving back to others, assisting as best possible, making sure the person I serve is comfortable, assuring they are cared for and loved is all a part of service because I expect you to do all of those things in return.

I hate when people say submission is all giving and Dominance is all receiving.  This is a falsehood.  A true balanced D/s or M/s dynamic is a delicate balance of both parties giving & receiving – just in different ways.  But there should always be a balance so no one side feels unappreciated.   Both guys stated what many have seen – I am a strong woman but a true submissive/slave soul lies within me.  I am a good girl.

The masochist –  If you know me, not a surprising revelation.  However, I wasn’t always honest about my need for pain in order to receive pleasure.  I kind of knew but never exactly knew what to call it or even if such a thing existed. I knew I wasn’t exactly normal in terms of what I needed for sexual gratification.  Playing with my nipples was fine but I didn’t soak my panties until you bit my nipples hard & pulled like you were trying to tear it off.  I realized I like to be grabbed roughly.  I like being spanked.  I like the pain associated with various forms of play & sex.  As I moved into the community I learned about flogging, whippings, canes, dragon tails, electrical play, fire play, & so much more.   I also learned about what people referred to as pain sluts & I hated the name.  I didn’t want to be associated with those two words.

Other people acknowledged my masochism before I ever did.  I constantly denied or would compare it to another person.  Then one day I met a play partner who changed my world & forced me to acknowledge just how deep my masochism ran.   The moment that sealed the deal was being at an event away from home & being punched in the arm for over an hour in the same spot hard all while moaning and grinning & then getting a beating in the dungeon. After recovering I went to the bathroom & was shocked by how much I had cum.  I was literally oozing.  I was so surprised I sat on the toilet and wondered what was wrong with me?  Why couldn’t I be a “normal” woman?

Accepting who I was in regards to this took some time.   And I realized I wasn’t a freak of nature. I wasn’t damaged.  I was a girl who enjoyed sex & play in a different manner.  I wasn’t alone & there were people who loved hurting me as much as I loved to be hurt.  And it was perfectly acceptable as long as we all understood it was consensual.

The slut – The two things above doesn’t mean a sexual relationship with me is guaranteed.  Play & sex don’t always go hand in hand (but I will be honest and say when it does it makes life a heck of a lot nicer).   The ability to put your parts into me deepens the relationship.  You are beginning to take all of the above elements and push them into a more intimate moment.   This is where both guys started seeing the complete picture of me.   You see, when I can combine both things, I turn into a uninhibited, needy, slutty, fuck toy.

I love being able to connect with my partners through dirty text messages, explicit emails, sexual video chats, fucking, oral sex (receiving/giving) or accomplishing sexual commands throughout the day.  One of them learned I can come on command if trained appropriately.  And we both learned how much fun it is to make me a needy, wanton woman just by saying those magic words (no it isn’t like a Netflix password anyone can use or hand out to friends.  The person & mental connection makes this happen not just some random jackhole saying it).  After that revelation I was told “your such a dirty little slut.”  Well, I couldn’t say no after he just witnessed me orgasm repeatedly.  So yes, yes I am & you are damn lucky to see this side of me because not everyone gets an invitation to know this part of me.

Let’s make the following things clear.  I don’t apologize for: having a healthy sexual appetite, pushing my relationships further when the chemistry is present, having sexual desires and needs, needing to be used hard, & enjoying pain with my sexual pleasure.  I love sex & the raw unbridle passion that comes along with it.   I enjoy playing & fucking for hours.  Twenty minutes isn’t going to get it.  You need to slot off the afternoon or evening.  I enjoy being a wanton, fuck toy for the right person.  Both of them learned that & pushed me in a territory I never imagined going.  Some things are pleasurable but even I have reservations about a few things.

The degradee –  So down the rabbit hole they took me into a land where pleasure is not only associated with pain and need but with a side of humiliation & degradation.   I didn’t think I could ever get off on either thing.  In the world of kink I continually learn to never say never.   Both men presented me with things they desired to do to me & my answer was absolutely not which eventually changed into maybe.   “Don’t be closed off to new things just because in your mind you have already said no.  *huffs*  It’s fine you want to call me your dirty fuck toy, your slut, but you also wish for me to engage in water sports & be aroused.   *raises an eyebrow*

Discussions and compromises occurred.  I said yes to so many things.  I begged & pleaded for these things.   I loved the energy.  The loss of control & being able to be a dirty little slut because I had to be.  Until it was time to do the one thing I always said no to – water sports.   The first time was quick and I immediately showered.   It was his first time as well as mine.   We both shared a moment where we were both each others first despite years in kink.    The next time was with the other guy & it was a degrading sexual experience – I still remember well.  When it was all over he sat down next to me & said “see what happens when you say yes instead of no.  You learn you do like something.”   I couldn’t look at him but he forced me to look him in the eyes so I understood how he felt – “I’m very proud of you.   You are a very good girl.”

There were other things and moments but what I learned in that moment is – it is okay to do things that aren’t considered normal.  Does it please you? Does it please your partner?   Are you open to trying something you never have done before?   Do you realize you are loved not only for being your self but for allowing your sexuality to be fully released and even challenged?

Both of these men brought this element out & I am not 100% comfortable with this yet.  I have already had to conquer the labels of submissive & masochist but adding a woman who also enjoys degradation and humiliation maybe too much. What does that say about me?   How far does the dark side of my sexuality go?   What is enough?   Are there limits?  Is sex just better the dirtier, nastier, & more taboo it is for me?   Perhaps it is.  But I also learned with the last guy that I do have limits & areas I just won’t go.  The fifth aspect that doesn’t count as a part of me but I have engaged in is race play.

Race play – Years ago I had a partner that enjoyed race play.  At the time we met I didn’t know this.  We had talked about it one night & then gradually he started introducing into our play & sex.  Eventually, he started associating certain words & my ability to orgasm or get extremely wet.   There was never a question of how much he cared for me.  I always knew I was his most loved & treasured girl.  I also knew if anyone said anything cross to me – he would absolutely murder them.

Fast forward to this past year – one of the guys I ended up with enjoyed race play.  I figured it had been a while but I guess I could give it a try until I realized he wasn’t playing.  He honestly had some extreme views towards women of color & close-minded views in multiple areas.   I tried to make it work but the soul of me cringed & ached just hearing him talk.  He was protective in some ways but definitely had the potential to become more abusive as time went on.  I was viewed as nothing more than object to control.   Nothing will shut down a potential relationship faster than being told, “you are a very lucky nigger to find such a strong Dominant white male to care for you.”   It completely shattered my views of race play.  And as I began to research it more I realized it was a way for some people to take out their prejudices under the guise of play.

Questions still linger in my mind however:  Was he correct in the fact I was lucky to be with him?  Was I everything he thought I was?  Would he have eventually hurt me even though he promised he would never hurt me?  Could I live with myself knowing I was sleeping next to a man with such hateful ideas?   The answers I always come to is no.  It is hard living with the idea of knowing I was with a man who believed such things even if for a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could be with him to help change him however YOU can’t change people with core beliefs like this.  You can’t blame yourself.  You can’t live a life of shame, fear, & disgust hoping to bring someone to the light.

Overall, both men saw things in me that I knew existed & drew things out of me I never imagined.  Both did things that hurt me in ways I never imagined but they both left footprints in my soul & mind that will never be forgotten. No one ever said life lessons were easy.  No one ever said in the world of kink even as an experienced top or bottom that you can’t get fooled, you can’t fall down the wrong path, or be devastated.

I am a submissive, a masochist, a slut, & a degradee.  Do these four dimensions make me feel bad about myself? Absolutely not.  They are a part of me but aren’t the total definition of who I am .  Play & sex are physical but the mental aspect is absolutely key.  Both men knew how to reach me mentally & physically.  There is an unexplainable loss.   However, if those two can eventually see those parts of me & more so will another person.  This time, hopefully, this person will be worthy of knowing all the parts of me. My choices may still haunt me but it is continually reinforced that I want to be respected, loved, & seen for the individual I am – not the fetish, fantasy, or separate parts a person desires me to be.

Life’s a journey not a destination

*takes a deep breath & exhales*  Life has gotten incredibly busy in the last few weeks but I am not complaining. Things are beginning to take off in a positive direction in more ways than I could have imagined & I can only think they will get better.  This is going to be a random writing all over the place to get out a few things so……yeah!!

YAY for finally starting a new job & I am home.  Learning the ropes hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined but then again I always imagine things to be harder than what they really are.  The people have been nice but of course I am still learning many of them.  Rediscovering home has been exciting.  A lot can change in a year that’s for sure.  Do I miss Texas?  Of course I do.  However, life has taken me to this moment right now & I can’t live in the past.  I have to make new memories & live in the now.  Otherwise new opportunities are going to pass me by.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

My BDSM family makes the transition so much easier.  I am blessed in so many ways to know some amazing men & women who have grown closer to me than I ever imagined possible over the years.  Their hugs, laughter, positive energy, support, & guidance fill my soul.  It is nice to see them more often without having to say goodbye for months at a time.  My girls/sisters, my family, & friends allow me the freedom to be myself without explanation & they can be themselves without explanation or judgment.

On the submissive/slave front I have been asking myself questions & not really coming to any definitive answers. What do I expect out of a D/s or M/s relationship?  What do I bring to the table for a potential Dominant?  Do I want a Dominant controlling every aspect of my life?   How can you distinguish a person interested in knowing me versus a person viewing me as a fetish?  How do I honestly feel about raceplay?   Perhaps one day I will sit down & honestly answer those questions.  All I do know is that lately I keep thinking about two different men who have affected my life in ways I never imagined. Both caused various levels of distress in my life so bad I honestly don’t know what I would do if I saw either one man again.

Both men made question my submission in very different ways.  Both have made me question myself in terms of being a good slave.   I use to believe I wanted to be a slave for the right person but both people were wrong for me & in turn broke a piece of my slave heart with their actions.  One made me question the integrity of someone claiming to be Dominant.  The other just showed me how some dynamics can go from loving to abusive.   *sigh*  Perhaps another day I can write about this & lay all my feelings on the table good, bad, & shameful.

Today I saw an old acquaintance from middle school.  He hasn’t changed a bit in two decades.  He is still a very attractive man who has amazing charisma & a beautiful smile.  Two decades later I am still paling in comparison in terms of looks & grace.  We use to run into each other occasionally in our early teens and twenties.  And I somehow always managed to be looking my absolute worse.  Disheveled hair, no make up, pimple, plain Jane clothing, etc.  He always appeared put to together.   In middle school I had friends but I never quite fit in either.  I was different.  I wasn’t black enough.  I wasn’t thin enough.  I wasn’t short enough.  I had too many white friends.  I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect in some people’s eyes.  I was smart but that’s all I got credit for.  Lol, in middle school he swears we dated & then I got dumped for the head cheerleader of our class.  And that heifer still hates me today.  I ran into her years ago & decided to be cordial.   She looked at me & said, “I knew who you were I just didn’t want to speak to you.”   Apparently, she hated me for dating him & just being alive.

So fast forward to today – I am in my scrubs (not even the flattering pair) with no makeup, hair a complete mess & in need of washing, basically looking very meh.  Surprisingly something amazing happened – I didn’t care.  He called my name & recognized me immediately.  We hugged.  Exchanged pleasantries & carried about our lives.    I may never be the girl who has it all together.  I may occasionally look disheveled & less than beautiful but the older I have gotten the more I have learned to accept myself flaws & all.   I have also learned that not everyone is going to celebrate you. And you don’t have to conform to what society wants in order to be someone of value.  I am always going to be different.  I will always be the girl who loves Ludacris to Faith Hill.   I am always going to be the girl who is semi clumsy.  I will always be the girl who looks like a bitch when she isn’t smiling.  And I am always going to be the girl who has at least three people she knows of who hates her.  And slowly I have learned that is perfectly alright.


How honest are you with yourself?

“It is good that they are protective and looking out for you.   But if they don’t know the real you, because you haven’t allowed yourself to be honest with yourself, let alone others….then their advice, while from a good place could have the opposite effect than intended.” 

Some questions/statements linger & this statement jumps to the forefront of my mind. How honest are we about our own desires, wants, & needs especially if they go against societal norms?  Accepting various parts of ourselves can be a difficult process.  It took me years to admit that I was a masochist.  Why?  I knew I liked pain & found it sexually arousing but I didn’t want to be seen as a “pain slut.”  I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. At that time, I didn’t know a lot of people who got off on pain sexually.  Those who did were looked at like an unknown creature with people lining up to prove their Domly Dom skills.  The goal wasn’t to achieve a pleasurable scene for both people but to see how much pain could be dished out to the masochist at hand.  I didn’t want to be associated with being a masochist.  I didn’t want people to look at me as an object to take their frustrations out on.  It was a learning curve & I finally worked up the courage to say proudly I was a masochist.  I learned how to be selective with who I trusted to inflict pain/pleasure on me.  And I found some trustworthy people to do scenes with.

Now, here I am at a cross road again.  Bothered by the fact someone sees something in me that I don’t.  He knew I was a true slave.  He knew I was a masochist, but could I set societal norms aside & be the animal he desired.  He believed I could be but my mentality was an issue.  My inability to shake what society may think & focus my energy on pleasing him.  What society thinks as a whole doesn’t affect me too much obviously because I am a black female submissive & masochist who prefers dating white Dominant men with a sadistic side.   However, I do have to sit with my own moral compass.

Some taboos are just too far for me.  If others like it, then hell who am I to judge.  But there is a balancing act that has to be achieved within myself.  Could I be the woman he desired?  Of course, I could but at what price to my mental, emotional, & physical state.  Yes he was right in the fact I was able to his behaviors inside of the bedroom which were at times degrading.  I don’t come out openly and say I like degradation because there is a line.  I have to know deep within my soul that you love me & outside of a certain moment that type of behavior isn’t going to continue.   It is easy to hurt the soul of the person serving you when they can’t tell whether this is how you truly feel or they know this is what sexually gets you off & doesn’t reflect in anyway what they truly think of you.

Yes, I didn’t flinch much when he said derogatory names towards me.  Conditioning a slave to accept certain things takes work, but once it is ingrained, breaking that learned behavior can be difficult.  I would never go shouting this off the rooftops but I had a Dominant many years ago who conditioned me to be able to orgasm being called a racial slur.   This is the difference between Daddy & this other guy – I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he loved me, this never occurred outside of the bedroom, & he made it a point to explain to me why he conditioned me that way.   And part of it still works today – I am able (usually) to maintain my cool if I hear the word said which was one of his goals.   He treasured me & treated me like a princess.  He is one of the few men who truly made me see my beauty inside & out.  He didn’t view me as sub-human or less than – if anything Daddy use to make me feel like I could take on the world like I was a super hero.  He made me feel like I could do no wrong.   He could be rough, demanding, and the sexually nastiest man I knew, but he also was loving, kind, protective, charming, & made sure to reinforce to me I was his world.

Did this other guy see the real me or what he wanted to see in me?   The answer is not black or white.  Perhaps it is one of those gray areas & we both see different shades of gray. What I do know is – societal norms are important but have never dictated my choices in terms of relationships, etc.   The real me is a wanton, dirty, slut who enjoys being played and fucked rough, who needs pain to get off, & yes even a little degradation at times.  I am also a girl who believes in being loved, respected, adored, wanted, & seen as a capable woman.  I am far from sub-human.  I am not an animal.  And I would never deny who I am in order to please people I don’t freaking know.   I just refuse to change who I am to fit the mold of what someone desires.  I refuse to live a life that could border on a prison sentence.  BDSM isn’t abusive nor does it tear a person down.   So I know the real me.  The people that love me, know the real me.  Perhaps you should have taken the time to see the real me.