Trust & the Kiss of a Whip

Hi, my name is Ladyofpurefilth & I am addicted to being on the receiving end of a whip.  There are only a few sounds that immediately grab my attention & the cracking of a whip is one of them.   I could watch a person work with it all day/night & probably never get bored.  You could have four different people who are proficient with a whip in a room & all four will have a completely different style & flow when wielding it.   I have been a very blessed submissive to know a multitude of talented individuals who can use a whip well.  I have also been blessed to be able to experience the intensity & artistry of a whip in various ways: a whip circle, Florentine whips, different styles of whips, etc.

Receiving a whip is something I enjoy.  So, it wasn’t surprising when a good friend of mine texted me asking would I like to be the demo doll for a presentation on whips because an experienced whip bottom was needed. Also because she knows me she immediately told me who the presenter of this demo would be.  There was absolutely no hesitation on my part – the answer was an immediate yes.  I know this individual & his wife.  I don’t see them as often as I would like but they are family to me.   I didn’t have questions to ask simply because I trust these people enough that whatever is needed I would gladly do without hesitation because I know they would not let harm come my way.

Normally, if I am the demo bottom of a presentation I get some slight nerves before time.  The presenter is the person who receives the majority of the credit because they are talking & giving knowledge however a demo bottom can either make or break that person’s presentation in a multitude of ways.  And a demo bottom’s role is important because usually a bottom/submissive/slave has questions about the sensation, they want to touch your marks, have a conversation, or is clenching the chair wondering if you need help.  It is imperative for the demo bottom to be able to speak to others when approached & encourage them to try something (if it is in their wheel house) new.

Anyway that’s a topic I may expand upon later but back to the topic at hand.  I wasn’t nervous at all.  However I did feel a pressure unlike anytime before.   I respect this person.  I want this experience to be not only positive for myself but for him as well.   I want to make him proud, his other half happy, make my group look good, & make sure I am a good reflection not only of myself but who ever else is attached to me.  The only question I had was “how naked do you want me?”  Standard answer – “whatever you are comfortable with”.    Oddly, I am extremely comfortable being naked for demos or play parties but in everyday life I won’t even where shorts cause you know too much skin showing.  I am odd.  I opted for just panties even though I am pretty positive people from multiple states have seen all of me in my natural glory.

“Gee, I wonder who the demo bottom is for this.” – This is what I hear as I am standing up in the front getting ready for my body to be a canvas for this presentation.   *takes a deep breath* I can’t say what I desire to say because it isn’t nice – that whole being a reflection thing in a plethora of ways really can be a pain in the ass.   But honestly, if you don’t like that I am a person’s demo doll tough shit.  They didn’t ask you.  However, if you want to take my place I will gladly put my clothes back on & watch you do it.  Seriously keep your snarky comments to yourself.   There is a reason people ask me to do these things & I will always say yes because it is an honor to be considered.

*shake it off & focus*   Well, the focusing part wasn’t too hard because I was turned to face a wall, told to be quiet, &I was unable to see anyone for the majority of the demo.  Damn, he is super proficient.  He is accurate & honestly absolutely amazing with a whip.  Yes, he can inflict pain but also can kiss your skin so gently you would think “this can’t be a whip”.   One part of the presentation did surprise even me – “turn around, get on your knees, & close your eyes.”  There is no time to second guess that command or ask questions.  I immediately do what he says because trust is in fact a beautiful thing.   I got to experience something I never have before & possibly never will again – I got whipped in the face (in a good way).  It was amazing.  The sensation is something I can’t describe easily in words.  It was like little kisses on the face.  Soft, delicate, and just enough sensation.

When the presentation was done I could feel in my heart that everything went well.  I could feel his energy & knew he was pleased with how things went.   I enjoyed every second.   And honestly, I was ecstatic simply over the fact that I could tell the presenter was pleased.  I had the opportunity to speak to a few people in audience & allowed a few to touch the marks on my back and breasts.   I even hugged a lady in the crowd because she looked absolutely terrified for me.  (occasionally I do provide after care for the audience if necessary).   And I always get a chuckle when asked what is your safe word so I can call it for you.  *giggles*  That’s not how that works but I appreciate you looking out for me like that.   In the end, I had a beautiful experience with two amazing people who checked in with me before, during, & after the demo to ensure I was doing well mentally & emotionally.  I would gladly do it again.

Fighting storms & remembering where you left your sword.

If you have ever been in a hurricane, you know the feeling of anticipation.  Trying to prepare, watching & waiting for this force of nature to make landfall but never exactly sure where it will fall or the exact time.  Usually there is an eerie calm before the storm.  This explains my emotional state the past few weeks.  Eerily calm then suddenly the winds and rains start coming in.  The feelings of anger, frustration, and anguish hitting me emotionally in places I didn’t know was possible & in the wake I survey the destruction.   The energetic power cord knocked out of service.  The strong self confidence within myself snapped like a tree.

Being in a state of purgatory isn’t exactly my idea of fun.  As the days roll on you start to have a little bit of your soul chiseled away.  Piece by piece until you have an unstable material in front of you.  The inability to hear your own voice but rather the voices of everyone else around you. The inability to truly lean on someone else because we all got problems.   The inability to remain calm & fluid because you feel like time is ticking away & you are taking multiple steps back.   And just when you think the dark, cold, bleakness can’t take you down another level – you start hearing the words of an asshole echoing in your ears.

“You were never meant to have responsibilities.”  

“Your place is to serve & be pleasing for your owner.” ”

“Inferior cunts need to stop changing the way society is meant to be.”

“My job is to pay the bills.  Your job is to just serve me.”

Taunting me, laughing at my situation, reminding me as a submissive/slave woman how dare I try to be more than an object of pleasure & service.  Constant jabs & slaps to already fragile ego within at the moment.  And in this moment, I want to lay down my sword & shield.  I no longer want to fight.  Maybe I should accept the fate someone thinks is becoming of me.  An owned slave in service to the man who decides to keep me as his.  No rights or responsibilities.  No need to think outside of does he want chicken or fish for dinner tonight.   Pushing a vacuum yes; pushing my intellectual capabilities – goodness no.  A beautiful fuck toy who knows how to clean, cook, and do as she is told with a smile on her face.

A temporary moment to forget my issues would be lovely.  A stern hand that speaks to the masochist/submissive/woman within.  Guiding a whip through the air to gently & harshly kiss my skin all over. My body being used roughly & without mercy.  Consensually being pushed to my limits until my brain resets & my body gives way to the pleasure & pain it seeks.  Then to be held & allowed to be weak for just a few moments.  Then to be reminded – YOU dear woman are a motherfucking warrior.  Yep, you are bruised and wounded but you don’t get to quit.  You don’t get to give up.  And with that, I get a lovely pat on the ass & am told to pick up my sword and shield cause your journey is far from over.

I don’t have anyone to reset me the way I would like at the moment so I have to pull confidence and will to fight from within myself.    Because giving up & giving in has never been an option.

Pick up your sword & shield woman & fight!!!

 

Can you overcome the cardinal sin of speaking up for yourself?

“If you aren’t failing every now & again.  It’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”   However, I have been paralyzed in a state of fear this past month.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of going back to work.  Fear of traveling for my job.  Fear that I made the wrong choice in deciding to pursue my goal of travel nursing.

As a full time staff nurse & as a travel nurse, I very rarely got into trouble.   However the expectations of a travel nurse are different.   Every nurse on the planet has had a confrontation with a patient or family member.  Yet as a travel nurse those are grounds for dismissal.  Staff treating you poorly & actively participating in hazing -you are suppose to smile, accept your shitty assignments, accept the crappy treatment, and be thankful you are working in this hell.   You are expected to put up with obnoxious, rude behavior from patients, family members, or staff.  And the ultimate cardinal sin is speaking up for yourself & protecting your own license.

Fear these past few weeks have consumed me because I committed the ultimate cardinal sin.   My assignment ended early because I am not into being abused by patients & apparently speaking up for yourself is a bad thing.   I don’t regret that decision.  I will always stand up for myself.  Are there lessons I can take away from this situation? Absolutely.  For now, I don’t wanna work nor bang on the drum all day.   Unless it was pressing, I have stayed home in my pajamas, slept, & hid from making a decision.  I also have joked about being a kept woman at home but you need a man for that first.  Clinically I am strong & always believe I have room for improvement.  I am compassionate & firm.  And I actually give a damn about my patients.  I want to know their stories.  Sometimes time and acuity doesn’t allow for that but I try.  I am not perfect, sorry, I am just a human being who like everyone else in the world.  However, why should I continue to give my best when it seems those things don’t matter.  It seems as though keeping your head down, making sure your are popular, & improving profit margins are all that matter.

Honestly, I could have been placed at another facility weeks ago but just have enjoyed being home with my family & friends.  I could have accepted a position an hour away but in my heart it just didn’t feel right.  And apparently close to home, I am overqualified for many full time positions and various nurse managers feel like I would be bored working for their facility.  Sometimes you can’t win.

How do you continue on a journey when you have been kicked multiple times?  How do you continue to believe in doing the right thing when it gets you in trouble?   I am a God fearing woman so I believe in grace, forgiveness, & trying not to live your life in fear.  God doesn’t let you suffer without a purpose.  I am trying to walk in the light of forgiveness & grace.  But sometimes it is hard.  The bumps, bruises, and cuts hurt especially when you know you have been done wrong & those who know you, work beside you, and support you also know you have been done dirty.

A full time position at home doesn’t look like it is going to pan out.  Traveling looks like it will be a necessary evil.  Yet, I am so scared to drive thousands of miles only from home to have to work in unsafe conditions, endure nurse on nurse hazing, not be supported by hospital administration, &/or have my work cancelled early because people want to lie and take pride in getting others to quit or have their contract terminated early.  Life is a journey & perhaps my friend is right.  “The trials you are going through right now aren’t even about you. They are to help someone in life.

They are a testimony to something far greater than you imagined.”   I hope he is right.   Now, if only I could look into a crystal ball & see what the future holds.

Sidenote of topic:  Let me clarify something.  I absolutely love what I do.  Healthcare is one of the few professions that rewards you in so many ways.  It teaches you something new medically & personally everyday.   However, in my opinion patient satisfaction scores has undermined healthcare professionals & is attempting to turn hospitals into hotels with trained people for your illnesses.  Where are the protections for healthcare providers?  I have been physically assaulted (punched, kicked, shoved, slapped), verbally threatened, called racial slurs, sexually harassed, & lied on.  I have endure nurse on nurse hazing. Worked with patient ratios that could have ended badly. And failed to be supported by hospital administrators or managers because patient satisfaction scores matter & everyone wants to make money.  I want to help people.  I want to touch lives & save lives.  But I will not endure working in an environment where I am not protected.  Perhaps wanting basic human rights is too much.

The spirit of you & me occasionally likes to visit me

Over the top romantic gestures, flowers, candy, hearts, and over the top public displays of affection – does not describe any relationship I have ever been in.   I have a tendency to attract men who many would describe as harsh, opinionated, assertive bordering on arrogant, & dare I say an asshole.   Look in their defense – I have my quirks and oddities.   What fascinates me is I have always been able to see beyond the exterior of what these guys show.  I see the layers they hide from the world & in those moments I see the beauty in them.  And in return, they see the beauty in me & I am shown love in a different way than most would imagine as loving gestures.   However these men & relationships are not without their flaws (I am not leaving myself out of that equation in terms of flaws).  Occasionally, I find a person that is just flawed – someone where compromise isn’t an option.

The past few nights I have had dreams about you.  I can almost feel you around me, close to me, etc.  The saying might be true that once you have sex with another person part of their energy transfers into you.  We had amazing conversations & you definitely could make me laugh.   Part of your Dominance spoke to me.  You were so demanding but when you actually gave a true heartfelt compliment it was felt.  Sexually, you understood what I needed even in the moments I didn’t understand what I needed.  You can be abrasive yet you also have moments where you can almost be calming & nurturing.  You made me realize being open to trying new things isn’t such a bad thing. Surprisingly, you taught me things about myself I didn’t know.

So, why am I not by your side right now when moments, like today, I sorta miss you.  Easy, you would never be able to view me as a woman.  I never wanted to be your equal, but I refuse to be with a person who sees me as sub-human.  I can’t support a man who doesn’t support others.   And ironically, if it wasn’t for those things, I actually could have seen a rewarding relationship for both of us.  As I get older I realize that you can’t change people.   You can’t sacrifice your values in order to be with someone because you see the potential in the relationship.  Many years ago I would have tried to be what you needed hoping you would change & see what we could be if you just changed.

Is it pathetic that I still have moments where I wonder about you?   Is it sad I want to know what’s going on with you despite being the one who decided I wasn’t the right fit for you? Many people would say yes.  I say unfortunately it is just the way I am designed.  I won’t call it a character flaw that I care about people who I have shared intimate moments with.  I wish I could be like others & dismiss a person like they were nothing.

However, I do choose to focus on the missing pieces.  The parts of a dynamic I need/desire which is intimate touch.  I love hugs & kisses at the right moments.  I want to know I am not only needed but wanted.  I want to touch a person’s heart & soul.  I want us to be a team.  A team that helps each other improve.  A team that is willing to correct the other when wrong.   A team where you lead & I follow because I simply know you are capable.   A partner who believes in the D/s or M/s dynamic but doesn’t misuse that position & pushes our relationship into an unhealthy place.   You weren’t capable of giving me those things.   And I was incapable of providing you what you needed.   Both of these things are perfectly fine.   Hopefully, I was able to teach you something or leave an impression in your mind or on your heart.   In the end all I can do is take care of myself & push forward even when my thoughts drift to you.   No person is all good & no person is all bad – I just wish you could have been more open minded.

 

Re-learning your worth as a submissive (or making a dumb choice because you can’t help it).

“Most of our mistakes, the big ones at least, are the result of allowing emotion to overrule logic.  We knew the right choice but didn’t obey.” 

Occasionally my emotional side overrules my logical side.   It is a weakness of mine to search for the good in a person instead of believing they are an absolute asshole.  Relationships ending always feels like a failure to me even when logically I know we weren’t meant to be.   I am always left with the feeling – could I have given more?  Did I fail at this relationship because of work obligations?  Do I fall short because I am trying to achieve a balance of friends, relationship, self-care, and career?   D/s and M/s relationships can become all consuming.   After 10 years in the lifestyle, occasionally I find myself being defined as not submissive enough (whatever the hell that means).

When the guy in my previous writing ended our relationship a month or two ago I struggled with the feeling of wanting to be back with this person.   I wanted to show him I was in fact submissive enough but I also wanted to prove you don’t have to lose yourself along the way.   I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so important to prove myself to a man who is a misogynistic, racist, & homophobic dick (obviously he does have a side I liked that was different than that).   I wanted to prove myself to a person that I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends & family.   And I still can’t provide a valid reason as to why – perhaps I miss the ability to serve, perhaps I miss actually being in a relationship, perhaps my ass needs to add in a new hobby.

We started talking again & the next thing I knew we had struck an agreement for me to come stay with him for four days.   I would serve him in a domestic fashion as well as sexual.  I agree with hesitation.   He continually reassured me he was not going to hurt me.  He didn’t want to hurt me.   He wanted to see had I changed & could I be the slave he desired.  I tried a few different things to get out of this but all my attempts failed.   Four days – I can do anything for four days; even if it’s to spend time with a man who enjoys degrading and humiliating me for his enjoyment.

Truth – sexually we are compatible on multiple levels.  I love degradation and humiliation sexually with the right person & privately.   The things I enjoy I would never mention in the presence of polite company.   In the moment, I lose control.  I drop pretense, ladylike behavior, & become an insatiable sexual creature that knows no bounds.  I want to be pushed and used hard.  I don’t want to make choices.  I don’t want gentle or polite.   And he knows how to push my sexual limits better than most. He has a devil dick as I call it.  It is beautiful but there are other pretty penises in the sea.   Sexual compatibility aside, we have common interest in music, movies, candles, sports, and enjoying various outdoor activities.   However we are two fundamentally different people & being with him for multiple, consecutive days started raising multiple concerns for me as to what a future together would look like.  It also made me realize the differences in the value systems we hold.

(1) Minorities, women, LGBT, & submissive men are equal to anyone else in this world.  They/We are strong individuals capable of doing any and everything imaginable in this world.   We are amazing.  And as Jessie Williams said “just because we’re magic doesn’t mean we’re not real.” I am a champion & believer in every person regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, or consenting sexual preferences.  I am not tolerant of inequality so the good ol’ boys can feel better about themselves.

Obviously, he doesn’t agree with my views.  He believes white males are superior. Males who are submissive are weak. Females are here to serve & can’t be dominant. Every minority is inferior & being homosexual or bisexual is a choice.  (Yes because some of the people I know would gladly choose to endure the discrimination they have faced due to their sexuality.  And all I can say is say that stuff to any female Dominant or male submissive I know – they will eat him for breakfast.  And don’t get me started on the various, beautiful minorities in this world.  I digress)

(2) Submissive/slave females must be careful in the lifestyle.  There are many wonderful Dominant men & women out there, however there are also a plethora of predators/abusers who use the lifestyle to hide their true intentions.   Learning the difference can save your life.

A nice face slap can cause me to grin from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat. However, slapping me out of the fucking blue for shits and giggles doesn’t sit well with me.  Calling me degrading names outside of sexual play is a good way to cause insecurity issues.   And feeling like my primary function is to be a maid, chef and occasional fuck toy doesn’t work either.

I was taught that being in a D/s relationship does involve sacrifice but outside of a few things – it is a relationship of trust, respect, & love. Perhaps I am too modern but I want to love, cherish, honor, & respect my partner however I also want the same level of commitment in return.   It makes a person no less Dominant to spoil his or her little letter.  It doesn’t throw off the exchange in power to show genuine concern and love for that which you own.  Breaking the spirit of your property isn’t dominance- it is a form of abuse.

(3) Welcome to the real world where careers, bills, extracurricular activities, children, families, friends, and the stress of everyday life exist.   24/7 isn’t feasible for everyone though many of us try.

I love my career & the idea of giving it up to become financially dependent upon another is frightening.  Giving up control in some aspects of my life is great but I want my financial freedom. I have seen & heard stories where it starts off with financial dependence & then months/years later the person is in an abusive  situation with no means of escape. Yes, I understand the majority of Dominant men believe it is their role to take care of the submissive in all ways.  Just because I work doesn’t mean you don’t have control.  You allow me the freedom to be me & still serve you.  You aren’t making me feel like you are taking care of me in exchange for me being a house nigger.

(4) Lastly, I found his red swastika t-shirt while putting away clothes & things changed immediately.   Controlling my anger was difficult especially when he said, “I’m not racist.”   Questions followed & he admitted well yeah I am racist with my views on inferiors but it doesn’t mean I hate them (looks at skin color to make sure it is still brown – yep…still brown).  My focus shifted. I am an adult with the ability to walk away from your foolishness.  However, my mind went to the little one not home from school yet.  A beautiful interracial child you had & now are raising.  A child whose soul made me giggle & smile.  A child who doesn’t say much but processes everything.  The little one who will grow up facing obstacles you know nothing about.  The little one who will be judged because of the color of his skin.  The little one who has a father who views him as partially flawed because of half of his DNA.  And my heart breaks because you do love this child but you have the great potential of breaking this child.

I want to steal this child before they see you mistreat a woman of color since they are your preference.  I want to steal this child before they learn their father is a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic & homophobic person in the world.  I want to shelter you & can’t because you aren’t mine.  Years from now I know thoughts of you will cross my mind & I will hope that you are well.  I will hope your father’s view points haven’t been passed down. And I hope you see yourself as strong, talented, and amazing just how you are.

So, what I learned in those four days was no matter how sexually attracted you may be to a person, if your values are extremely different, the relationship has no chance of survival.   You can’t change a person or make them see the value you possess.   You can’t change who you are as an individual without losing your fire. Some things are not negotiable.

As a submissive/slave – remain true to who you are.  The journey is long & sometimes hard especially when you are looking for that special person to spend the rest of your life with.   Continue to be picky, don’t believe you can settle for x, y, or z; you will be extremely sorry. There is plenty of other men in the sea & the majority of those men aren’t racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, or homophobic.

PS:  No, we definitely will not be seeing each other again.

Decisions, priorities, & remembering sometimes you can’t have it all

Apparently being an adult is complex and continuing balance act.   Since returning to Texas things have been going well, however I do have to iron out the occasional wrinkle that pops up.   I have consistently been going for my workouts with no complaints except for a constant state of soreness.   Yesterday, I decided to have some fun with friends – stayed out way too late, got an hour of sleep, while out ate/drank way too many carbs and my trainer can read my state of being just by looking at my face.   “You look tired” led to a whole bunch of questions and a scolding that lasted the entire hour I worked out.   This scolding included everything from picking priorities to being reminded that I have all the tools I need to accomplish what I want but it does me no good if I don’t use them.   I left the gym feeling like shit.   I hadn’t been scolded that bad since I was a kid.   Priorities.   Improving my health is important to me & I am the first person to admit that sometimes I don’t have all my shit together when it comes to this health journey, but where is the balance between accomplishing goals & having a life.   Perhaps I need to work on finding this balance or realize that this commitment is a constant state of being.   Giving up isn’t part of the plan.  I am gonna have to start  being that odd friend that brings their meals with them to events and occasionally passes on wine or margarita night.   Ugh.   Why couldn’t my mother have slept with a man with better genetics?

Work is beginning to feel like home again.   My confidence in doing what is right has been restored in many aspects.  I am learning to accept that I am not perfect.  I am going to make a mistake once in a blue moon, but that doesn’t make me incompetent or incapable of doing my job.   99% of the time, I knock it out of the park.  I do a great job & that isn’t me tooting my own horn.  It has taken years for me to believe that I am good at what I do.   I need to start pushing myself to start studying for the certification I failed by 5 questions but it is so hard to put in that time & energy only to fail once again.   Graduate school continues to be a thought because I have to think about my future.  However, I don’t wanna go through the application process again.  Twice I have applied & twice something weird has happened. My application has been rejected because someone forgot to turn in something on time or it arrived freakishly late.   Perhaps it is a sign that graduate school isn’t meant for me.

A certain person has been on my mind all week long.  Could be the unfriending me or could be the fact that no matter what I do I just can’t shake this person out of my memory/mind.  I hate that I still care about him.  I hate that I miss his lips on mine, his laugh, & that voice.  I miss our conversations.  I wish I could find a switch to just turn off my emotions for this person but that button doesn’t exist.  I try to focus on other things, keep myself busy, and hope with time I won’t remember – yet I still remember.   I could try the theory of sleeping with someone else but I found out many, many years ago that doesn’t help.  All I can say is I hope he is experiencing half of the torment I am in regards to me as I am for him.

Even though I have some wonderful friends here, I miss my friends & community back home.  They are part of my heart & I carry them with me even when I go off to different assignments across the country.   I am hoping to take an assignment closer to home the next time, however I am still trying to really think about where I want to go.  I had it all figured out.  I had a plan & because of developments in my personal life I now have to reconsider those plans.  What are the pro’s and the con’s of moving to this area  or even close to that area?  Will I still be able to do the things I desire or will I have to change certain things in order to avoid potential drama?   Is it easier to take something again out here in order to avoid the potential drama of someone thinking I moved to a certain area just to be closer to them?   I hate making life choices based on others, but I am also realistic and try to think of all the possible scenarios before jumping into something.  At this stage of life, it is about protecting myself, my emotions, and my overall well-being.

Punishment and forgiveness

“You will begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you & learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes.”  Forgiveness.  One concept taught to us as children, in church, at home & around the world.   Missing from this lesson is the fact that forgiveness consist of multiple steps and isn’t a process that happens over night.   Forgiving people requires strength.  Healing from wounds of the past is a battle that requires patience.  It also requires an understanding that moments from the past will come back to you in waves, unexpectedly.  The art of forgiving yourself is the lesson we fail to put into practice in our everyday lives.

Forgiving yourself is a difficult process.  For me, it is an internal battle of punishing yourself for the choices you made versus forgiving yourself for those past decisions.  Personally, I suck at the art of forgiving yourself.  Reliving each decision, regretting my choices because they go against societal norms or feeling like a jerk because others were hurt in the process of my selfishness.  I continually believe that most of my relationships end horribly because it is a punishment for past mistakes.

Relationships of years past I have been girl who has been told to her face that she was loved but not worth fighting for because his family would never approve of me.  I have been discarded like yesterday’s newspaper for the girl who fits into the American standard of beauty.  I have been a mistress.   I have done poly relationships some where I am the girl of choice & adored.  I have been in poly relationships where I was second or third & all of my needs weren’t met.  I have been the girl in a relationship that was never suppose to happen but emotions and desire swept us away & it has a secret affair.  And I have been the girl dumped because I wouldn’t chose that person over my career/education.

Despite what some people would think, over the years I have tried to make smarter choices.  I have tried to invest my time in quality guys & do things differently.  However as a friend of mine bluntly put it – “You are known for making poor decisions.” Perhaps I am a poor decision maker, but I would like to think over the years I have gotten better.   I haven’t always made the right choices.  Sometimes life steps in the way.  Sometimes intentions aren’t clear up front.  Sometimes we understand that this relationship is doomed from the start but the chemistry is so strong that there is no choice but to go down the rabbit hole. My perceived punishment for past choices is beginning to weigh heavy on my heart & soul, yet I will always be a believer in love.

The believer in love who has suffered loss.  The woman who has been bruised, cut, and wounded from the love and loss of others.   Relationships come with no guarantees.  You are always rolling the dice & praying you win big or your loss isn’t substantial.  Everyone gains something & loses something in the game of lust, like & love.   My losses have been semi-significant over the years (Compared to others I am fortunate).  Am I asking for your sympathy for my decisions?  Nope.  My losses have been grand but my gains have been as great.   The daddy taught me I was absolutely beautiful, inside & out.  He reminded me on a continuous basis that I was amazing and my size had nothing to do with it.  It was the heart of me.  And if things went wrong it would rarely be my fault. One taught me that I am a strong, capable, independent woman but it is okay to be soft, to listen, and to accept help.  Another even today reminds me I am more than my body parts.  I offer so much more than that.  And any man who ends up with me will truly win a prize.

What has the last relationship taught me?   I am desirable beyond my own comprehension.  Natural attraction is a real thing & sometimes things develop you never expected.  There are even deeper levels to my submission than I thought.  I possess the ability to be more than I thought possible as a submissive.   However, I still am punishing myself mentally – not nearly as much as I have been but I still want to fix things that aren’t in my realm to repair.  I don’t know if it is the suddenness that our relationship ended or the fact that our decision affected others and so many people are hurting and trying to piece together various aspects of their lives that makes me occasionally feel the need to suffer.   Eventually, I will reach a moment of peace within where I know everything will be okay.  I will also realize I can’t fix a problem when the main issue isn’t even me.

You can ask God for forgiveness and it is immediately given but the process of forgiving yourself proves to be a difficult road. Perhaps as my friend put it I will continue to make poor decisions.   Perhaps I will realize that love is a game & I have been playing all wrong.  Or perhaps my failures haven’t been failures or punishments at all.  Maybe they are lessons that were meant to teach me a thing or two in order to prepare me for what lies ahead.