Even the strongest of people have moments of weakness and just need to rest. Getting ready for work this afternoon I became sick as a dog and after vomiting a few times I had to do what I hate – call in so I could rest my body. So, since I have been in bed sick, sipping ginger ale, and sleeping I figured why not actually do the thing you love to do but have swept to the side for a minute – write.
Honestly, I have avoided writing for the past few weeks because there has been so many different things going on and a lot of emotions that I just haven’t wanted to truly address but as my therapist once told me -writing is your release. Which we both found odd because I am a private person but I will share my soul through this sort of medium. Anyway, I digress. *sigh* Where do I begin?
A few months ago my play partner decided to end that aspect of our relationship after four years. This had nothing to do with me personally but with issues in his own life. We have remained great friends throughout & we talk almost everyday. However, it didn’t really hit home about everything until he started coming to events with his new play partner. And then to have a good friend pull me outside during an event and frankly ask, “Who is that girl? Are you two not together anymore? Damn I can’t believe it, you two had the energy and connection. It was real.” *hangs head* Well yes & as my former play partner had said – “we have a lot of history together.”
However, some things fall apart for better things to come together. Even though we had a great connection, energy, and do love each other dearly. He can’t provide me the things I need. And my wants have changed so much over the years. I no longer want to be anyone’s secondary especially with rules, conditions, and limitations. Play is a great thing, but I don’t want to be anyone’s whipping post. I don’t want a person to just play my body. I want a person who can play my body, give me amazing orgasms, and then wake up next to me in bed. I desire a person who I can talk to about not just life in general but our life. I want a person who is proud to show me off and spoils me because I am willing to give that same kind of love and energy to the right person.
As far as the new partner in his life. I don’t hate her but I don’t like her either. She really hasn’t made any intentions to get to know me and I sure as hell will not be making any such moves. I know of her. I shall be cordial to her but she isn’t a person in my inner circle. And her connection to my former play partner has absolutely nothing to do with me. My inner gut doesn’t trust her but that isn’t my concern.
I met a new guy at an event & we hit it off initially because we are in the same type of work environment. We talked literally for like four hours the first night we met about so many different things. He expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with me but wanted me to get to know his baby girl better so we could all be on the same page. I asked all types of questions – she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him because of the age difference between the two of them but they did have a sexual relationship. Fair enough. However, it quickly became obvious he was not the one driving the rules of the relationship even though he said he was. I talked to her a couple of times. He was calling and texting all the time. He even stood up in the middle of a munch to announce I wouldn’t be there, I was working without my knowledge or even asking, I had to be informed this was said about me during an event. We were hanging out on a semi-regular basis then all of sudden communication started fizzing out.
One day he was ranting about all sorts of things and he said “it’s not like I have a potential relationship with anyone else right now.” So, I had to ask come clarifying questions – I apologized if I misread the situation but were you not trying to pursue a potential relationship with me. And his answer was well, no. I thought I was being clear that I just wanted a friendship with you. Ugh, I wish rent multiple giant billboards across the country that states, “You don’t fuck your friends.” Friends don’t fuck friends. Want to kill a friendship real quick, add a sexual component. We had further words. He has since tried to text and call but I haven’t been ready to engage in those conversations. We said what we need to say.
So, then me and asshole from Texas had a conversation one day. I figured after all this time we would never want to talk to me but we started talking again that day on collar space. In the beginning I started to question my own judgment because he reminded me of why I liked him so much: charming, funny, quick witted, strong, his dominant and sadistic side have always called to me, tender, and amazingly caring. He has a way of explaining certain situations and things that makes logical sense and immediately calms your soul.
Then he reminded me why I walked away; for you see he also possesses these horrible traits: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, controlling, and narrow minded. He wasn’t raised this way and his mother would absolutely die if she knew her son was this way. This is just what he has chosen to believe. And though I hate these things about him, I am also drawn to him. He is protective, but he has the potential to be abusive. I feel it in my bones. Deep down, I believe we both wish we could change the other person’s view point of life. I want him to be open minded, less controlling, and a person to help empower people from all walks of life. He wants me to adapt his view points and be happy being viewed as less than and be dependent on him for life.
So, I did the thing that needed to be done. I disabled my profile. His energy isn’t something I need in my world. And though I am drawn to him in many ways. I can’t force him to change and become who I want him to be just like he can’t force me to change and become the woman he wants me to be.
The majority of these interactions have left me pretty down on myself (besides relationship issues, transition of job, transition of life). And like many women, the first thing that happens is we start picking apart our physical features. For me, it is becomes, what if I could just not be so headstrong. If I could be more girly. If only I could pout, demand stuff animals, and be less sarcastic, quick witted, or dare I say proud to be a woman who has opinions and is outspoken.
Suppressing all of these emotions takes its toll. So what have I been doing to handle all my anger, disappointment, fear, and frustrations – killing it at the gym. Working out 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for two hours. Pushing my body to the limit. Trying to tweak my diet and run away from something. I don’t know what I am working so hard to outrun. I don’t know why I am pushing myself to the limit and becoming more and more frustrated when I don’t see changes quick enough. And just like everything else – I hit a wall. I needed a break. Three days off from the gym. And now I am sick. Sometimes you just need to stand still and stop running.
Sometimes, you have to stand in the realization that you aren’t super woman. Sometimes, you need to acknowledge not only where you have been, but everything you have been through. You need to take a moment and realize – you have been through a lot in the last year. You have experienced hurt, disappointment, pain, frustration, and fear. You have to acknowledge that life doesn’t always go the way you plan. Life isn’t always fair. Just keep swimming.