I’m flawed & messy…..

Hi, I am woman who doesn’t have all her shit together.  I am a woman who is far from perfect.  I am flawed, messy, ill-tempered, tired, grumpy, and cuss more than a sailor.

As a Southern woman, sometimes it is hard to admit all of those things above.  Women, but especially Southern women, are suppose to run a house, work, make a mean casserole, and be the life of a party without batting an eyelash.   The past few weeks has been a difficult time.  I am horrible about reaching out to those who care for me to express myself because I keep a lot of things close to the vest.  People are judgmental & I am not judging cause I am too.   However, everyone has stories they don’t tell others.   Everyone has secrets.  Everyone has moments in time that they aren’t proud of & are fighting day to day just to make it through.

My energy level has been crappy lately.  I haven’t found a happy medium yet.  I am either sleeping for 10 to 12 hrs or I am wake for 27 hours.   I either have the energy to run errands, take care of business, workout, and go to work.  Or I am in bed watching NetFlix and enjoying the joys of being in nothing but my pjs.

The relationship with my boyfriend & dominant are okay.  He has some issues in his life that needs to get settled.   He hasn’t had a day off in months.  He has been working 8 to 12 hour days, everyday.   I can hear the exhaustion in his voice, but there is nothing he can do.  He is trying to launch a business while working a full time job with increasing responsibilities.   In my opinion, he isn’t making the money he deserves and is really doing the job of two to three people.  But, he says there isn’t anything he can do about it for now.

I worry about his emotional and physical health.  He has constant migraines & swallows more Goody’s powder than I am comfortable with.  He has chest pain.  He sounds tired.  He is depressed.  He needs a check up but getting him to do what is right for him isn’t easy.  I brought up the conversation of whether it was a good idea for us to still be together – I don’t wanna add extra stress to his plate.  I support him, but I have needs, wants, and desires as well.  Selfish, maybe, but who wants to share their other half with paperwork and increasing work needs.   I love him but neither of us knows how long this demand on him will last.

Yes, I am his girlfriend, slave, and as he calls me his second wife.   Yet, I can’t get him to listen to me at times.  He is stubborn & believes he knows the answers to everything.   I don’t know the answer to everything, but I am opinionated.  I think he needs to entertain other job offers.  He needs to be firm and start setting limits with his job.  He needs to listen more before speaking and saying no to some things.     Sometimes he just needs to realize as the little letter of this relationship, it is also my job to look out and protect him as well.

 

I’m filing for bankruptcy.  This whole process has been stressful.  Never did I imagine that I would have to do such a thing, but life happens.   In my head, I feel like this means some how I am irresponsible.  I have not lived up to the expectations of being an adult.   I have failed& I am a failure.  People who file bankruptcy are somehow viewed as financially irresponsible.  But I am learning sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Lost of job, decrease in pay from one job to another, difficulty landing a new job, medical bills, etc.   I have been fighting off some issues for over a year.  I needed this issue settled and this was the best avenue.   Walking in my attorney’s office was the hardest thing.  I was nervous and he could tell.  He has reassured me this is the right move, but it still doesn’t make all of your insecurities go away.   I am just counting down the days til I go to court and this whole situation is put to rest – at least in terms of court and creditors.   Also, I learned if you bank with Wells Fargo, they are asshole who essentially retaliate by placing a hold on your checking and savings account, even if you aren’t the person who owns the checking or savings account.   And by law they don’t have to do it, they just do it to complicate your life or the life of others that you love.   Wasn’t surprising to find out they have been sued over this practice before, so if you are ever planning to file bankruptcy move all your accounts from Wells Fargo.   Information I can pass on in this blog.

This too will pass.  Hopefully much sooner than later.  I have only told a few close people in my life about this because it is shameful to me.  However, those who I have told have been nothing but supportive.  These people are a part of my tribe for a reason.   They know who I am & understand how hard of a choice this has been for me.  I appreciate their love during this time.  I appreciate them not looking at me differently.  Though it feels like I have been taking multiple steps backwards in the past year, I also feel like change is coming in ways I can’t imagine.  I refuse to believe I have come this far in life to fail.  Every day isn’t sunshine, there will be rain & storms.  Maybe I am coming out of my storm to brighter days.

Advertisements

Are you strong enough to take a risk & fail?

Welcome to 2018.  Most people are making resolutions on how they are going to lose weight, travel, invest, etc.   However, we are coming towards the end of January & most people have tossed their resolutions aside.   A few days ago I was listening to one of my favorite podcast, Increase Your Impact by Justin Sua (highly recommended & they are usually less than 5 minutes).    The discussion involved taking risk.  For some reason this message hit a nerve within me.

Taking a risk involves change.   Change is uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes change is unknown.   Many people never take a risk in their life because of the fact change is uncomfortable.    We wait for the right time to move, have children, get married, change jobs, leave the bad relationship, etc.   However, what happens when we take the risk & it goes wrong?  We always envision when we take a leap of faith that things are going to be great.

I took a risk two years ago.  I gave up my stable job I wasn’t in love with anymore to go travel nurse.  I envisioned doing this for years.  Seeing the country from sea to shining sea while doing what I love.   My risk didn’t exactly pan out how I envisioned.  And to be honest, for the last year, I have quietly kept to myself the feelings of disappointment, bitterness, and anger I have had.   I will be honest.  I felt like God had abandoned me & sometimes I still feel that way.

Justin said something that hit me in a way I never imagined.   If you take a risk & it doesn’t work out, does that mean you failed?   The answer is no because you were brave enough to take a risk & follow your dreams.    Some people never do that.    I thought about it.

What did I lose?  I lost money.  My confidence in my abilities felt shaken.   I had to move in with my mother.   I don’t get the privacy I am use to having.   I lost my ability to be somewhere different every few months I chose.

What did I gain?  I have made some amazing friends that will be with my for a lifetime.  I got to live my dream & see it isn’t as easy as people make it seem even when you do the right thing.  I learned how to fail in a major way.   I realized I have an amazing support system of friends/family that love me whether I succeed or hit bumps in the road.  I am learning I can’t do it all.  I learned that my mother is my biggest cheerleader & I am forever grateful for her.  She is my rock when things look bleak.  She has the ability to make things look bright even when you feel low.  I also learned that my issues weren’t from ability to care for patients, but with competing against the machine of travel nursing (making money even if it means screwing the nurses caring for the patients.)   From California to Texas – I always had patients tell me they appreciated my care for them.

So did I fail?  Not really, sometimes a failure is setting you up for something greater.  Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to be a full time travel nurse.  Maybe this struggle is setting me up for something unexpected.  What I do know is I am slowly letting go of the baggage of this experience because it taught me so much.    Life can’t always be filled with successes.  Sometimes you have to take a risk & fail.

Two quotes that I continually look to are these.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett

Emotional scars & trusting he loves you & isn’t going anywhere

“I just want you, that’s all.  All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm, everything.  I just want you.”   

Sometimes that is a hard thing to believe.   Many of us have gotten married to someone after dating for months or years, invested time in a relationship with someone for years, or even opened up on multiple levels to people in a short amount of times because of the “energy” we felt then weeks, months, or even years later be dumped or divorced.

Embarking on a new relationship is sometimes a difficult because many of us have endured violations of trust, suffered with a partner who emotionally or physically abused us, or stuck it out in a bad relationship where you were mad disrespected all for the sake of love or having someone by our sides who promised to love us good, bad, and ugly.

Emotional scars, as I like to call them, are a very real thing.   I have seen friends try to rebuild their life after being married for years to someone who decided to leave because they no longer loved that person.   I have seen people emotionally shut down for months because a relationship hurt them some badly that getting out of bed was a struggle.   Years ago I was hurt so badly at the end of my relationship that I contemplated driving my car off a bridge and ending my life because the pain felt so unbearable.

So fast forward & rewind to yesterday, the Mister called me once I woke up.   We were talking about his day & I was telling him about my night at work.  Suddenly, out of the blue he asked “what’s going in that pretty mind of yours.”   My answer was the standard when caught off guard with that question – “nothing”.    I should know better – he sees me.  He knows when I am thinking & hiding my thoughts from him.  {Though if I am 100% honest, it isn’t that hard.  Once you know me, I am like a book cause my emotions register across my face & in my voice.}  He called bullshit & basically said I don’t know why you don’t trust me enough to tell me what you are feeling inside.

*sigh, crap!*  It isn’t that I don’t trust him to tell him what I am feeling inside, it is just that sometimes I am having an emotionally crazy moment that I recognize as crazy & don’t feel the need to burden you with all that.  Yesterday, I was just hit with a wave of negative thoughts:   When he is going to stop loving me?   When is he going to get tired of me?   When is he going to leave me for someone better, someone prettier, etc?   When will I be too much?  When will I not be enough?  When will he walk away from me?

I wasn’t going to share those thoughts because I know they were irrational.   And then that would lead to the follow up questions of:  where is this coming from?  are you doubting this relationship?   are you doubting me?   My immediate answer would be no, however that’s what it would be.   Technicalities aren’t a thing in this relationship.  And the truth is I am not doubting us.  It is my insecurities screaming because we actually are a good match for each other in so many ways that I am fear the “shiny” & “new” is going to wear off & he is going to be like I don’t wanna be with you any more or I won’t be as important.   Ugh, I know foolish thoughts especially since I know he isn’t one to sugar coat how he feels.  He doesn’t always share but if he didn’t love me then he would let me know immediately.   And above all that, he shows me everyday he cares not only with his words, but with his actions as well.

We both a busy with different things in our lives, but he has more pressures & responsibilities on his plate than I do.  He is my only relationship.  I don’t date others nor am I allowed which is totally cool because he is more than enough.  I work & am committed to working out/competing.  Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day.  However, he is married with children, works a job that requires more of him hours wise than necessary, he is working on starting his own business, he cares for his family members, and cares a lot of pressures on him.

I have always been concerned about him fitting me into his life because of all he has going on.  It was why I almost said, nope to dating him.  But he somehow makes it work.  He makes me feel super important.  If I am having a good or bad day, he is there.  If I need him to help me make a decision, he does.   He makes me a priority.  He looks out for my emotional and physical well-being.   “You aren’t a secret.  I consider you my second wife, you are my slave, & I sure the hell hope I make you happy.”   He isn’t going anywhere.   He isn’t planning on breaking my heart or spirit.   I have asked him a couple of time before, “what do you want?”  His answer is always the same: “I got it.  You.  All of you!”  Hey crazy side – he wants you.  Trust that. Believe him. *sigh*  Unpacking emotional scars and fully opening your heart is hard to do at times.

Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

Growth, transition, and learning how to be patient

“She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another.”

Growth & change are inevitable things.  Well, that isn’t completely true change will always occur however it is up to you whether or not you decide to grow from those changes.   My world has been undergoing change ever since I left Texas about five months ago.   I underestimated the toll that returning home would present to me professionally, financially, emotionally, and even relationship wise.   Change doesn’t come without a price.

Transitioning from living on my own, traveling across the country, picking my own work schedule, & learning about different cultures to returning back to your hometown, working at a smaller, slower paced hospital than usual, & moving back in with your parent isn’t something one can adjust to overnight or apparently in a couple of months. Finding a job was more challenging than expected which meant being out of work for a couple months which essentially almost drained my savings account cause the bills gotta get paid.   My travel job also came with negatives like leaving me with a housing bill twice because of early cancelled contracts meaning being stuck with a bill over $6,000 in housing cost.  Being without health insurance which luckily my normal prescriptions out of pocket didn’t cost a fortune.   And having to maintain a positive attitude without breaking down emotionally because I got shit to handle.   I think over the past couple of weeks things I haven’t given myself a chance to process started hitting me out of nowhere.   Failed new work situation.  Failed relationships both romantic and non-romantic.  And ultimately feeling like you have failed somewhere in the game of life.

I remember months ago, I received a psychic reading because I had no clue where things were going in my life & honestly I didn’t really know what I was going to do.  Truth, I receive a psychic reading every year from a person who has always been incredibly accurate which is scary.   She warned me that the next six months or so was going to be time of discomfort for me because of the amount of changes that will occur.   She always warned me that I was going to be frustrated because I would feel like I am taking two steps forward only to fall four steps back.    And she is right. I have had moments of frustration and anger.   Moments where I think I should have found a permanent job in Texas.   Maybe I should have taken crazy man up on his offer to be his personal slave & my only responsibility would be to take care of him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have believed I was good enough to work anywhere in the country without issues.   And in those moments all I want to do is stomp my foot like a petulant child and scream THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!

*takes a deep breath*  Life isn’t fair.  At this point, I am just trying to focus on some of the the things that was addressed to me months ago when she gave me this reading.   The first thing is to look forward, don’t look back.  This is more difficult than one would imagine.   I am a fixer.  I like completion.  I don’t like feeling like I left loose ends or didn’t finish something with amazing results.   However, hindsight is 20/20 and living life with could have, should have or would have has no real bearing on today.   Letting go of the past is difficult but I have to remember not everything is completed to my liking. Sometimes situations fall apart to redirect your path to something better.

The second thing was personal responsibility.   I have some wonderful personality traits, but I also possess some questionable ones.  I am stubborn, resistant to change, like things a certain way, & am opinionated.  I am not afraid of standing up to anyone, even those people who are in a position over me.  Majority of the time that works in my favor & other times not so much.  I accept the consequences of my actions and don’t blame others but perhaps I could be more flexible to change & not so stubborn.  I am opinionated but not to the point that you can’t change my mind if you make a valid argument.   I don’t ever want to play the blame game.   I know that some situations are out of my control, but I need to almost remember how I react to a situation is key.   I must maintain my composure & not be opposed to receiving correction.   I won’t ever be a girl who won’t rock the boat, but sometimes delivery and tone is everything.   Some days I am better at that than others.   What can I say, even after all these years I am still a work in progress.

Lastly, look to the future.  Use this period of transition to truly examine what I want & need.   What would I like to accomplish?   What is truly deserving of my time & energy? How can I push forward to make better choices in terms of career and relationships?  Those answers are not cut and dry.  I am beginning to make moves and carefully planning out certain situations.   I hope that throughout everything that has occurred in the past few months a few things ring louder than anything else which is my heart, my integrity, my ability to work hard, and above all things my reputation for doing what is right.

However, I get impatient.  I sometimes grow weary of feeling like I am continually playing catch up, but I also have to stop comparing my story to others.  My life journey will always be different than others.  I celebrate my friends success and adventures because I never wanna see anyone I love fail.  I wanna see them soar & achieve their heart’s desire.  I wanna see them be in great relationships, find amazing careers, step out on limbs and accomplish their goals.  However, I don’t wanna feel like I am not being great either or let others down.   And that is something I have to learn to get over.  No one placing the expectations of x, y, or z on myself except for myself.   I am not losing out on anything.  Sometimes life takes you on a path that is completely unexpected in order to give you something far more beautiful than you could have ever imagined.  I just hope I am working towards something more than I could have ever envisioned on my own. Things don’t just fall apart without something greater coming together.

 

Are you willing to pay the ultimate price for love?

“Because if we’re going to go through this shit, it should be for a purpose. Right? Do we not love to be loved? Or have women like me mastered the art of being starter relation/situationships? Do we provide men like you with everything necessary to become the men you want to be—without us? Is that how this works? Who made these rules? I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way.I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way. But how am I supposed to celebrate growth that happened at my expense? What am I to make of a strength, nourished by food I cooked and dreams I fed, that I’ll never experience? There are far too many of us doing the emotional labor of birthing men we’ll never get to have and hold.”

In the name of love, we go above and beyond.   As a woman, it’s almost ingrained in us that our job is to sacrifice in order to help your significant other excel.  If you worked hard to further your education & then excel in your chosen career field, you are expected to give up your career, stay home, raise the children, & take care of your husband’s needs in the name of love & family.   You strive to always look physically attractive for your mate.   You need to support his dreams and goals.  You must learn to enjoy what he likes.    And many of us almost break our fucking necks trying to live up to what you believe his expectations are whether real or imaginary.

Ultimate sacrifices in the name of love usually comes at high cost.   Throughout the relationship, you are supporting his dream & goals while slowly letting go of your dreams & goals.  Forgoing advancement in your career & trading it all in for housewife status means becoming financial dependent on this person.  You are no longer expected to engage in intellectual conversations because housewives are only allowed to speak about diaper genies or some husbands want you to be seen only.   You walk on eggshells hoping not to arouse his frustration or anger, while sweating your ass off in the gym & then making sure your hair is just right in order to maintain your level of attractiveness to your mate.

Yet men can let themselves go physically, are congratulated on their drive & determination towards advancing in their careers, follow their dreams, & are seen as the only leaders of the household.    However, women are their cheerleaders, supporters, nurturers, & stepping stones & their love, efforts, and support are graciously rewarded either with infidelity, divorce, heartache, dismissal, or being traded for a piece of arm candy now that they have arrived either physically, financially, or emotionally.

I, unfortunately, know all about this sacrifice.   I know what it is like to continually put in work on a relationship where you are undervalued, unappreciated, & traded for a more acceptable model.   I know what it means to fight for someone because you feel obligated & like a failure for giving up on that person.   Because good women don’t give up on their man when the going get’s tough.  You dig your heels in and start fighting harder.  Right?   Because at no point is it acceptable to consider your own self respect, self worth, or self value, right?   We aren’t allowed to have boundaries, limits, and expectations.   We aren’t allowed to desire to be loved in return when we have loved you all along the way.   Because as women we are taught to be martyrs.  We are pushed to believe we aren’t complete without having someone in our life.  We are tricked into believing our self worth comes from the approval of others.  We are taught putting ourselves first is selfish, bitchy behavior.   Yet, men are continually praised and encourage to pursue these behaviors, thoughts, and needs.  So what do we get in return for so much?

“Depression. Suicidal ideation. Substance abuse. Retail therapy and maxed credit cards. Entertaining {men} we don’t even like just to feel wanted. So many forms of self-harm. We pay with our bodies. Sometimes our lives. And even in that trauma, we still find ways to sow deeper into the love we have for you, hoping it will get better. We cry out to God and give in to you. Our legs wrapped around your waist, praying yours don’t walk out of our lives. And then…when you’re done…we painfully watch you leave.”
I can honestly say when I was younger, I gave my all to one man because we told each other we loved each other. I knew I wanted to make this relationship work because he was the man I wanted to marry.   I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.   I didn’t see the warning signs that this relationship would be toxic.  I accepted his cheating ways & behavior of other relationships because I never expected to find a man that would find me sexually attractive.  I never thought I would be with a man who loved me despite being a fat, chocolate girl who had been told over the years she would never be good enough.   And definitely, not catch the attention of a man who I found attractive as well.   I had found my person & any sacrifice would be worth it, right?   Cause I should just be lucky to find a man who liked me since I didn’t live up to the standards of American beauty.

What did that sacrifice & lack of self worth buy me?  I gained weight, stressed about every little thing I did, weighed every thing I said, & eventually became a neurotic, insecure, emotionally spent woman.   I paid the ultimate price in the name of love despite doing the things expected of a fantastic girlfriend:  I supported his dreams & aspirations, I was sexually open, I tried to maintain some level of physical attractiveness,  I worked hard to not elicit his anger or make him frustrated.  My love, strength, and encouragement was rebuked not once, not twice, but three times.  Off & on, I spent 11 years seeking validation of my love only to be rewarded with an insufficient funds notice on my emotional investment.  And that feeling still lies dormant in my soul like a rotting plaque just waiting for the most inopportune time to flare up and cause me weakness and pain even today.

Yet, this person who is currently on his second marriage, is more confident than ever, a calmer soul, & 17 years later still emails, text, and calls because he still views me as his girl in some ways and a great friend.  The man who has committed to giving his all to another, but can just know without hearing my voice the mood I am in.  The person who still battles with his emotions when it comes to me, but couldn’t meet me even half way.  The person who has a partner who supports his all & has won the game of relationship roulette.  Sacrifices come at a cost for all involved. While my cost have been higher than I would like, others have paid financially, emotionally, mentally, &/or with their lives.   When are we going to start putting a higher market value on ourselves & not give ourselves away so cheaply.

Quotes from a writing blog by Carmen Benbow:  full article here – you should give it a read http://www.candicebenbow.com/blog/443  & PS: I know that all men are not like this!

 

Relationships, weakness, and even I get tired

Even the strongest of people have moments of weakness and just need to rest.  Getting ready for work this afternoon I became sick as a dog and after vomiting a few times I had to do what I hate – call in so I could rest my body.  So, since I have been in bed sick, sipping ginger ale, and sleeping I figured why not actually do the thing you love to do but have swept to the side for a minute – write.

Honestly, I have avoided writing for the past few weeks because there has been so many different things going on and a lot of emotions that I just haven’t wanted to truly address but as my therapist once told me -writing is your release.  Which we both found odd because I am a private person but I will share my soul through this sort of medium.  Anyway, I digress.  *sigh*  Where do I begin?

A few months ago my play partner decided to end that aspect of our relationship after four years.  This had nothing to do with me personally but with issues in his own life.  We have remained great friends throughout & we talk almost everyday.  However, it didn’t really hit home about everything until he started coming to events with his new play partner.  And then to have a good friend pull me outside during an event and frankly ask, “Who is that girl?  Are you two not together anymore?  Damn I can’t believe it, you two had the energy and connection.  It was real.”  *hangs head*  Well yes & as my former play partner had said – “we have a lot of history together.”

However, some things fall apart for better things to come together.   Even though we had a great connection, energy, and do love each other dearly.  He can’t provide me the things I need.  And my wants have changed so much over the years.  I no longer want to be anyone’s secondary especially with rules, conditions, and limitations.  Play is a great thing, but I don’t want to be anyone’s whipping post.   I don’t want a person to just play my body.  I want a person who can play my body, give me amazing orgasms, and then wake up next to me in bed.  I desire a person who I can talk to about not just life in general but our life.  I want a person who is proud to show me off and spoils me because I am willing to give that same kind of love and energy to the right person.

As far as the new partner in his life.  I don’t hate her but I don’t like her either.  She really hasn’t made any intentions to get to know me and I sure as hell will not be making any such moves.  I know of her.  I shall be cordial to her but she isn’t a person in my inner circle.  And her connection to my former play partner has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My inner gut doesn’t trust her but that isn’t my concern.

I met a new guy at an event & we hit it off initially because we are in the same type of work environment.  We talked literally for like four hours the first night we met about so many different things.  He expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with me but wanted me to get to know his baby girl better so we could all be on the same page.  I asked all types of questions – she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him because of the age difference between the two of them but they did have a sexual relationship.  Fair enough.  However, it quickly became obvious he was not the one driving the rules of the relationship even though he said he was.  I talked to her a couple of times.  He was calling and texting all the time.  He even stood up in the middle of a munch to announce I wouldn’t be there, I was working without my knowledge or even asking, I had to be informed this was said about me during an event.  We were hanging out on a semi-regular basis then all of sudden communication started fizzing out.

One day he was ranting about all sorts of things and he said “it’s not like I have a potential relationship with anyone else right now.”    So, I had to ask come clarifying questions – I apologized if I misread the situation but were you not trying to pursue a potential relationship with me.  And his answer was well, no.  I thought I was being clear that I just wanted a friendship with you.   Ugh, I wish rent multiple giant billboards across the country that states, “You don’t fuck your friends.”   Friends don’t fuck friends.  Want to kill a friendship real quick, add a sexual component.  We had further words.  He has since tried to text and call but I haven’t been ready to engage in those conversations. We said what we need to say.

So, then me and asshole from Texas had a conversation one day.  I figured after all this time we would never want to talk to me but we started talking again that day on collar space.  In the beginning I started to question my own judgment because he reminded me of why I liked him so much: charming, funny, quick witted, strong, his dominant and sadistic side have always called to me, tender, and amazingly caring.  He has a way of explaining certain situations and things that makes logical sense and immediately calms your soul.

Then he reminded me why I walked away; for you see he also possesses these horrible traits: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, controlling, and narrow minded.  He wasn’t raised this way and his mother would absolutely die if she knew her son was this way.  This is just what he has chosen to believe.   And though I hate these things about him, I am also drawn to him.  He is protective, but he has the potential to be abusive.  I feel it in my bones.   Deep down, I believe we both wish we could change the other person’s view point of life.  I want him to be open minded, less controlling, and a person to help empower people from all walks of life.  He wants me to adapt his view points and be happy being viewed as less than and be dependent on him for life.

So, I did the thing that needed to be done.  I disabled my profile.  His energy isn’t something I need in my world.  And though I am drawn to him in many ways.  I can’t force him to change and become who I want him to be just like he can’t force me to change and become the woman he wants me to be.

The majority of these interactions have left me pretty down on myself (besides relationship issues, transition of job, transition of life).  And like many women, the first thing that happens is we start picking apart our physical features.  For me, it is becomes, what if I could just not be so headstrong.  If I could be more girly.  If only I could pout, demand stuff animals, and be less sarcastic, quick witted, or dare I say proud to be a woman who has opinions and is outspoken.

Suppressing all of these emotions takes its toll.  So what have I been doing to handle all my anger, disappointment, fear, and frustrations – killing it at the gym.  Working out 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for two hours.  Pushing my body to the limit.  Trying to tweak my diet and run away from something.  I don’t know what I am working so hard to outrun.  I don’t know why I am pushing myself to the limit and becoming more and more frustrated when I don’t see changes quick enough.   And just like everything else – I hit a wall.  I needed a break.  Three days off from the gym.  And now I am sick.  Sometimes you just need to stand still and stop running.

Sometimes, you have to stand in the realization that you aren’t super woman.  Sometimes, you need to acknowledge not only where you have been, but everything you have been through. You need to take a moment and realize – you have been through a lot in the last year.  You have experienced hurt, disappointment, pain, frustration, and fear.  You have to acknowledge that life doesn’t always go the way you plan.  Life isn’t always fair.  Just keep swimming.