Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

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What feels right in your soul…..late night ramblings

What sits or feels right in your soul?    Are you willing to pay a high cost for love?  Are you willing to over look potential flaws in a person for the sake of being with someone?  Are you willing to chase the person you desire in order to make them yours?  Are you willing to accept things that don’t sit well in your soul for the sake of your relationship or even potential relationship?

Desire, lust, and extreme like are all wonderful things when getting to know a person.  The hormones are flowing.  They are the most wonder person ever who is “so different” than the last person you were with.  And then a couple weeks, months, or even years roll by.   We start to notice the annoying things or they something out of left field that leaves you shook.  What the hell do you do then???

You know going to bathroom and leaving the toilet seat up is one thing or even hanging the toilet paper the wrong way is a flaw but I can over look that cause you gotta pee too.  However, leaving me full of doubt, insulting my friends/family, insulting me, physically abusing me (for the average slow Joe, there is a huge difference between consensual BDSM and abuse), or psychologically damaging me because you can are an absolute fuck no!!

“If you are entering into a relationship with another person looking to change them, they are going to resent you for it in the long run.”  My therapist told me that and I found out from both perspectives over time that is the most accurate statement known to man.  We should accept a person for who they are in the beginning but we have hope.  Sometimes we believe we are the person who can change their life.   Here me when I say this because it has taken a few months to sink in for me:  “A person will NOT change until they are ready to make a change.”  Read that sentence again, read it slow.  Let that marinate in your mind.

When a person is ready to meet you half way, they will do it.   When you are a ready to meet a person half way, you will do it.  If you want to change, do it for you.   Trying to adapt to someone else’s belief or ideal of what you should be is a disaster waiting to happen.

We try and push for guys to like us, go out with us, hell accept us in the skin we are in because damn it do you know how scary it is in this world to stand up and say, “I love myself the way I am.”  No addendum.  No apology.  We need to listen to our inner self more.  We need to be better at setting boundaries and walking away from things that don’t serve us anymore.  Or how about this novel concept?   Finding a partner who loves all the pieces and shards of glass that make us who we are today.  Accepting some of our flaws, but knowing when to walk away from behavior, thoughts, and actions that don’t line up with what we want.    Late night ramblings………….

Uncertainty and wanting substance

My interest in kink has dwindled over the past few weeks, yet I know I am in total need of a reset.  I need a beating like yesterday to calm my nerves & make me not as bitchy or sensitive as I have been lately.

Why has my interest in kink sort of tapered off?  I am not really sure.  My work schedule is crazy & it is hard keeping up with dates of kink events on my calendar along with fitting in workout dates, preparing for a competition, and dealing with a decline in energy.  I find myself sleeping more than normal lately.

My role as a submissive/masochist doesn’t bother me but once in a great while I can’t help but wonder: do my sexual needs prevent me from finding the right partner for me?  Not only do I want a man who is intelligent, has a wicked sense of humor, is affectionate, secure, and understands some days I need to be held and other days I just need a moment to cry without you necessarily fixing it, but I also want one who is dominant, knows the difference between being a dominant & a dominate, sadistic, but also possessive and loving.  I feel like the movie Singles when Bridget Fonda said her dating list was scaled down to “someone to say bless you when I sneeze.”  – Sidenote: If you haven’t seen that movie, please do! It’s an awesome 90’s movie I have owned in VHS and now DVD.

Maybe the stars have aligned and heard my cries because I have had a few incidents of guys wanting to ask me out or declare the attraction to me.  However, I am talking with a guy I met on kinky social website who decided to strike up a conversation with me.   We have talked for a week or so & though we have talked everyday, multiple times a day, I feel like he isn’t saying anything of substance.  You want me to open up but I am careful with opening up to people regardless (probably why I have been pegged as a bitch by many) of interest.  I will talk about main/important things, but I am not laying out my entire life story for you in a week.   I do want to get into the dirt & raw grit of a person but that happens over time, not in a day or week.   What keeps you up at night?   What drives you personally and professionally?   What are you looking for long term in a relationship?   What is one event that helped shaped who you are today?  Questions like that.  It’s nice to be told I am sexy and beautiful.  But what else do you know about me besides my kinks and you want to slide your penis inside of my vagina?

Overly complimentary has never won me over.    However, let’s not confuse this with I pick great sensitive men either.   Nope I pick men other people probably deem an asshole – but then that always made wonder what in the hell does that say about me.  They mean what they say & when they give me a compliment, it is truly heartfelt and meaningful.  Usually, they are an asshole to others, but very protective of me.  Anyway,  I should be ecstatic that this guy wants go to dinner and talk but I am not over the moon.  Talking doesn’t mean having your face between my legs after dinner.  Maybe I am not being as open as I could be because the vibe isn’t right.  It could also be because I still have lingering feelings for another who has missed his chance due to just not acting on it.   Maybe I am just unsure of what I need or desire anymore.   Maybe my tolerance for BS is at an all time low.   *sigh* I just want to get to know someone where things don’t feel forced.

Breaking a cardinal rule usually leads to moments of insecurity

If you read my previous post, you know I decided to be brave for twenty seconds & send a message to the guy I have a crush on which lead to us exchanging numbers & us both expressing the desire to hang out together.  YAY!!!!    So let’s start with some truths on how I feel & why this isn’t going exactly as I envisioned.

Truth: I really like this man & desire to get to know more about him.  It’s been ages since a man has caught my attention in a way that learning more about him supersedes the idea of having a sexual/physical relationship with him.

Truth:  I have been told I’m really an amazing woman & any man would be lucky to have me as his, however what most people don’t realize is if I truly like a guy I turn from a seductive, flirtatious woman into the most lovable, but adorkable woman ever cause you know I’m kind of nerdy.

Truth:  I broke my own cardinal rule – never date or pursue an individual you work with because you don’t need those kind of problems when trying to earn your paycheck.

We have had a few conversations via text and have learned some things about each other.   We don’t make it obvious we are trying to develop a friendship outside of work.   However, there are a couple of things that are bothering me: (1) I’m the person who has to initiate conversation.   He responds back and will chat for hours with me but I feel like I am chasing him & that isn’t exactly something I find sexy.   (2) He hasn’t asked me out for coffee, dinner, lunch, nothing.  I am not trying to rush him, but at the same time you can’t get to really know a person if you don’t engage in some form or fashion.

Officially I have decided not to text him first anymore.   I want to know what your interest level really is.   I don’t think men go through the effort of making a gift on the fly for just anyone.   And I am trying very hard to not go to a place of self criticism or self blame.   But it is hard not to think – is it me?   Did I say something offensive and wasn’t aware of it?  Did I miss read your intentions & you just desire to be friends only?   Are you not physically or sexually attracted to me?  Is it because I am chubby, tall, or awkward?

Maybe self criticism/blame is easiest for me because of asshole guys I have dated in the past who made me think I was too much.  I was awkward, I was desirable but only if it wasn’t well known they liked me, I was too demanding, I had too many rules/standards, or some other bullshit excuse of why I was the problem.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of a potential relationship working out.  I have a fear that no matter how long I am with a person eventually they are going to leave me.   Perhaps it stems from my childhood issues with my father.  Perhaps it is because I have given the best of myself to some guys who didn’t appreciate me & left me for what they believed to be greener pastures (only to try to return later on).

*takes a breath*  I am trying to remain calm, cool, & collected. I am trying to remember that I actually took a chance on someone I really liked & if it doesn’t work out how I hoped, I don’t have to wonder what could have been.   *grumbles*  See this is why you don’t express interest in people you work with.   This situation has me completely out of my comfort zone.

 

Sometimes you just need to be brave for 20 seconds…..

Recently I celebrated my birthday & I wasn’t really expecting much from the day.   Another year older & perhaps another year wiser.   I had to work for part of my birthday which doesn’t bother me.   I was sitting at the desk when the man I have had a crush on for months walked in.   He said hi, handled official business, and then stopped to hold an actually, long conversation with me.

We talked about our lives & what it is like to date now versus when we were growing up.   He isn’t looking for a hook up.  This is a man I haven’t encountered in a long while.  One who appreciates the art of dating.  He wants coffee dates where you discuss life and family, he wants to go to dinner & movies.  He doesn’t believe in kissing a girl til after a few dates.  He wants to actually learn about the person.   I didn’t think it was possible to be even more smitten with this man but I was so wrong.  I told him it was my birthday & he wished me a happy one.  It also gave him a chance to ask how old I was & me to ask him in return – we are in the right age bracket for dating each other.   Our conversation was going well & we both had forgotten about work until his phone rang with an emergency call & he had to leave suddenly.

*sigh*  I had to go check on a few things and started working again myself.  I returned to my area to see a gift on the desk.   It was wrapped and decorated.   I kind of looked around at my co-workers and asked which one of you did this?   Everyone said, wasn’t me.  Inside I knew who it was but I just couldn’t believe it.   Then I saw the notes & candy.   Not only are you a good man. You are creative and thoughtful.   I was speechless and all I could do was smile.   I sent him a message thanking him for the gift.

Throughout the night I kept thinking of taking the chance and giving him my number along with a sweet message.   I typed a message and would just close my screen on my phone.  All sorts of things went through my mind:  what if I am misreading his signals?  What if he isn’t interested? What if he is just being nice?   What happens if he says no?    After a while I was sitting there looking at the gift, smiling, looked at the message I typed, took a breath, & hit send.   And I immediately became nauseous.  What the hell did I just do?   I am not that girl.  I am not that brave.   This is not like me to act this way towards a guy I really like.  He’s gonna say no & laugh at me.   (Yes, I am a drama queen of worse case scenario).

An hour later I received a message & once again I was speechless.  He is interested and would love to go out sometime.  We exchanged numbers and I am so glad he isn’t standing in front of me because I am smiling so hard and blushing.   I was brave for 20 seconds, took a chance & it went better than expected. I am excited to hang out with him and get to know him better. I don’t know if he is kinky & honestly I don’t think I care.   But those are discussions we will have down the road.   Maybe he will turn out to be a great friend or perhaps so much more.  All I know is I have to remember how to officially date & wait.   After that, the day just got better and better.  If this is any indication of my year, it is going to be one amazing  year for sure.  Now, I have to go wipe this stupid grin off my face.

Are you willing to pay the ultimate price for love?

“Because if we’re going to go through this shit, it should be for a purpose. Right? Do we not love to be loved? Or have women like me mastered the art of being starter relation/situationships? Do we provide men like you with everything necessary to become the men you want to be—without us? Is that how this works? Who made these rules? I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way.I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way. But how am I supposed to celebrate growth that happened at my expense? What am I to make of a strength, nourished by food I cooked and dreams I fed, that I’ll never experience? There are far too many of us doing the emotional labor of birthing men we’ll never get to have and hold.”

In the name of love, we go above and beyond.   As a woman, it’s almost ingrained in us that our job is to sacrifice in order to help your significant other excel.  If you worked hard to further your education & then excel in your chosen career field, you are expected to give up your career, stay home, raise the children, & take care of your husband’s needs in the name of love & family.   You strive to always look physically attractive for your mate.   You need to support his dreams and goals.  You must learn to enjoy what he likes.    And many of us almost break our fucking necks trying to live up to what you believe his expectations are whether real or imaginary.

Ultimate sacrifices in the name of love usually comes at high cost.   Throughout the relationship, you are supporting his dream & goals while slowly letting go of your dreams & goals.  Forgoing advancement in your career & trading it all in for housewife status means becoming financial dependent on this person.  You are no longer expected to engage in intellectual conversations because housewives are only allowed to speak about diaper genies or some husbands want you to be seen only.   You walk on eggshells hoping not to arouse his frustration or anger, while sweating your ass off in the gym & then making sure your hair is just right in order to maintain your level of attractiveness to your mate.

Yet men can let themselves go physically, are congratulated on their drive & determination towards advancing in their careers, follow their dreams, & are seen as the only leaders of the household.    However, women are their cheerleaders, supporters, nurturers, & stepping stones & their love, efforts, and support are graciously rewarded either with infidelity, divorce, heartache, dismissal, or being traded for a piece of arm candy now that they have arrived either physically, financially, or emotionally.

I, unfortunately, know all about this sacrifice.   I know what it is like to continually put in work on a relationship where you are undervalued, unappreciated, & traded for a more acceptable model.   I know what it means to fight for someone because you feel obligated & like a failure for giving up on that person.   Because good women don’t give up on their man when the going get’s tough.  You dig your heels in and start fighting harder.  Right?   Because at no point is it acceptable to consider your own self respect, self worth, or self value, right?   We aren’t allowed to have boundaries, limits, and expectations.   We aren’t allowed to desire to be loved in return when we have loved you all along the way.   Because as women we are taught to be martyrs.  We are pushed to believe we aren’t complete without having someone in our life.  We are tricked into believing our self worth comes from the approval of others.  We are taught putting ourselves first is selfish, bitchy behavior.   Yet, men are continually praised and encourage to pursue these behaviors, thoughts, and needs.  So what do we get in return for so much?

“Depression. Suicidal ideation. Substance abuse. Retail therapy and maxed credit cards. Entertaining {men} we don’t even like just to feel wanted. So many forms of self-harm. We pay with our bodies. Sometimes our lives. And even in that trauma, we still find ways to sow deeper into the love we have for you, hoping it will get better. We cry out to God and give in to you. Our legs wrapped around your waist, praying yours don’t walk out of our lives. And then…when you’re done…we painfully watch you leave.”
I can honestly say when I was younger, I gave my all to one man because we told each other we loved each other. I knew I wanted to make this relationship work because he was the man I wanted to marry.   I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.   I didn’t see the warning signs that this relationship would be toxic.  I accepted his cheating ways & behavior of other relationships because I never expected to find a man that would find me sexually attractive.  I never thought I would be with a man who loved me despite being a fat, chocolate girl who had been told over the years she would never be good enough.   And definitely, not catch the attention of a man who I found attractive as well.   I had found my person & any sacrifice would be worth it, right?   Cause I should just be lucky to find a man who liked me since I didn’t live up to the standards of American beauty.

What did that sacrifice & lack of self worth buy me?  I gained weight, stressed about every little thing I did, weighed every thing I said, & eventually became a neurotic, insecure, emotionally spent woman.   I paid the ultimate price in the name of love despite doing the things expected of a fantastic girlfriend:  I supported his dreams & aspirations, I was sexually open, I tried to maintain some level of physical attractiveness,  I worked hard to not elicit his anger or make him frustrated.  My love, strength, and encouragement was rebuked not once, not twice, but three times.  Off & on, I spent 11 years seeking validation of my love only to be rewarded with an insufficient funds notice on my emotional investment.  And that feeling still lies dormant in my soul like a rotting plaque just waiting for the most inopportune time to flare up and cause me weakness and pain even today.

Yet, this person who is currently on his second marriage, is more confident than ever, a calmer soul, & 17 years later still emails, text, and calls because he still views me as his girl in some ways and a great friend.  The man who has committed to giving his all to another, but can just know without hearing my voice the mood I am in.  The person who still battles with his emotions when it comes to me, but couldn’t meet me even half way.  The person who has a partner who supports his all & has won the game of relationship roulette.  Sacrifices come at a cost for all involved. While my cost have been higher than I would like, others have paid financially, emotionally, mentally, &/or with their lives.   When are we going to start putting a higher market value on ourselves & not give ourselves away so cheaply.

Quotes from a writing blog by Carmen Benbow:  full article here – you should give it a read http://www.candicebenbow.com/blog/443  & PS: I know that all men are not like this!

 

Relationships, weakness, and even I get tired

Even the strongest of people have moments of weakness and just need to rest.  Getting ready for work this afternoon I became sick as a dog and after vomiting a few times I had to do what I hate – call in so I could rest my body.  So, since I have been in bed sick, sipping ginger ale, and sleeping I figured why not actually do the thing you love to do but have swept to the side for a minute – write.

Honestly, I have avoided writing for the past few weeks because there has been so many different things going on and a lot of emotions that I just haven’t wanted to truly address but as my therapist once told me -writing is your release.  Which we both found odd because I am a private person but I will share my soul through this sort of medium.  Anyway, I digress.  *sigh*  Where do I begin?

A few months ago my play partner decided to end that aspect of our relationship after four years.  This had nothing to do with me personally but with issues in his own life.  We have remained great friends throughout & we talk almost everyday.  However, it didn’t really hit home about everything until he started coming to events with his new play partner.  And then to have a good friend pull me outside during an event and frankly ask, “Who is that girl?  Are you two not together anymore?  Damn I can’t believe it, you two had the energy and connection.  It was real.”  *hangs head*  Well yes & as my former play partner had said – “we have a lot of history together.”

However, some things fall apart for better things to come together.   Even though we had a great connection, energy, and do love each other dearly.  He can’t provide me the things I need.  And my wants have changed so much over the years.  I no longer want to be anyone’s secondary especially with rules, conditions, and limitations.  Play is a great thing, but I don’t want to be anyone’s whipping post.   I don’t want a person to just play my body.  I want a person who can play my body, give me amazing orgasms, and then wake up next to me in bed.  I desire a person who I can talk to about not just life in general but our life.  I want a person who is proud to show me off and spoils me because I am willing to give that same kind of love and energy to the right person.

As far as the new partner in his life.  I don’t hate her but I don’t like her either.  She really hasn’t made any intentions to get to know me and I sure as hell will not be making any such moves.  I know of her.  I shall be cordial to her but she isn’t a person in my inner circle.  And her connection to my former play partner has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My inner gut doesn’t trust her but that isn’t my concern.

I met a new guy at an event & we hit it off initially because we are in the same type of work environment.  We talked literally for like four hours the first night we met about so many different things.  He expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with me but wanted me to get to know his baby girl better so we could all be on the same page.  I asked all types of questions – she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him because of the age difference between the two of them but they did have a sexual relationship.  Fair enough.  However, it quickly became obvious he was not the one driving the rules of the relationship even though he said he was.  I talked to her a couple of times.  He was calling and texting all the time.  He even stood up in the middle of a munch to announce I wouldn’t be there, I was working without my knowledge or even asking, I had to be informed this was said about me during an event.  We were hanging out on a semi-regular basis then all of sudden communication started fizzing out.

One day he was ranting about all sorts of things and he said “it’s not like I have a potential relationship with anyone else right now.”    So, I had to ask come clarifying questions – I apologized if I misread the situation but were you not trying to pursue a potential relationship with me.  And his answer was well, no.  I thought I was being clear that I just wanted a friendship with you.   Ugh, I wish rent multiple giant billboards across the country that states, “You don’t fuck your friends.”   Friends don’t fuck friends.  Want to kill a friendship real quick, add a sexual component.  We had further words.  He has since tried to text and call but I haven’t been ready to engage in those conversations. We said what we need to say.

So, then me and asshole from Texas had a conversation one day.  I figured after all this time we would never want to talk to me but we started talking again that day on collar space.  In the beginning I started to question my own judgment because he reminded me of why I liked him so much: charming, funny, quick witted, strong, his dominant and sadistic side have always called to me, tender, and amazingly caring.  He has a way of explaining certain situations and things that makes logical sense and immediately calms your soul.

Then he reminded me why I walked away; for you see he also possesses these horrible traits: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, controlling, and narrow minded.  He wasn’t raised this way and his mother would absolutely die if she knew her son was this way.  This is just what he has chosen to believe.   And though I hate these things about him, I am also drawn to him.  He is protective, but he has the potential to be abusive.  I feel it in my bones.   Deep down, I believe we both wish we could change the other person’s view point of life.  I want him to be open minded, less controlling, and a person to help empower people from all walks of life.  He wants me to adapt his view points and be happy being viewed as less than and be dependent on him for life.

So, I did the thing that needed to be done.  I disabled my profile.  His energy isn’t something I need in my world.  And though I am drawn to him in many ways.  I can’t force him to change and become who I want him to be just like he can’t force me to change and become the woman he wants me to be.

The majority of these interactions have left me pretty down on myself (besides relationship issues, transition of job, transition of life).  And like many women, the first thing that happens is we start picking apart our physical features.  For me, it is becomes, what if I could just not be so headstrong.  If I could be more girly.  If only I could pout, demand stuff animals, and be less sarcastic, quick witted, or dare I say proud to be a woman who has opinions and is outspoken.

Suppressing all of these emotions takes its toll.  So what have I been doing to handle all my anger, disappointment, fear, and frustrations – killing it at the gym.  Working out 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for two hours.  Pushing my body to the limit.  Trying to tweak my diet and run away from something.  I don’t know what I am working so hard to outrun.  I don’t know why I am pushing myself to the limit and becoming more and more frustrated when I don’t see changes quick enough.   And just like everything else – I hit a wall.  I needed a break.  Three days off from the gym.  And now I am sick.  Sometimes you just need to stand still and stop running.

Sometimes, you have to stand in the realization that you aren’t super woman.  Sometimes, you need to acknowledge not only where you have been, but everything you have been through. You need to take a moment and realize – you have been through a lot in the last year.  You have experienced hurt, disappointment, pain, frustration, and fear.  You have to acknowledge that life doesn’t always go the way you plan.  Life isn’t always fair.  Just keep swimming.