Communication is key so why can’t I just keep my mouth shut

“Great couples still get angry with each other, but they continue to discuss a problem until there is a solution, even if it takes several days.” 

My last journal entry left off with me and the Mister in the midst on an argument where he decided I needed three days to think about everything.  I had to work that night, got home, and was still mad.  I couldn’t believe all that had transpired.  I showered and went to bed.   I woke up to two text messages.   He wanted to know was I very, very mad or had I been thinking.  The second was the same question along with “I am expecting an answer from you.”  My answer was short and sweet: both.   I got dressed for work & got in the car.  He called as I was getting in my car (don’t worry I have a hands free system).  We discussed a lot.  I told him I felt abandoned & punished for stating how I felt about exploring with another woman.   He said, you didn’t hear me.  I wanted you to really think about everything – our relationship, is this what you need, is this what you want, etc.    And he was right, I got so angry I didn’t hear him.  I heard one thing and that is all I honed in on.   We chatted until I arrived at work.  He reaffirmed he loved me and we would discuss this one our scheduled date night.  We would find a solution one way or another.

We met the next night to truly discuss this matter.  We are both headstrong, determined, & opinionated people.  What I am learning is important matters need to be discussed face to face – we stop and hear the other person, ask clarifying questions, and reaffirm if what we heard was truth or a falsehood in our own head.  We also both play to win.  I tried one thing and he turned it on me.  He tried something and I turned it on him.   But, he knows how to get me out of my head and go with what I feel – touching me.  Not just in anyway, getting up in my personal space, lowering his tone of voice, & making me look him in those beautiful blue eyes while touching/rubbing my thighs.  He asked me a few questions & I answered from my gut.  He knew I was scared.  He knew I didn’t want to rush.  He knew in order for any progress to be made we needed to agree on something good for him and me.   He asked if shelving this idea for 45 days and discussing it again would be reasonable.  Yes, yes it would.  He also got me cause he said he knows my weakness is him, which means I would try almost anything to make him happy.   *smirking*  Jerk, cause it is true.   He kissed my lips and just said, “I know.”

“Keep your relationship private without keeping your partner a secret.  There’s a difference between privacy & secrecy.”   

I made a fundamental error in my relationship & for that I accept responsibility.  I am sometimes too damn transparent with everyone who is important in my life good, bad, & ugly.   Because of my lapse in judgement – my boyfriend & friends don’t really see eye to eye with each other just yet which is my fault.    No one is perfect.   My boyfriend has flaws – he is an asshole to the general public (not my opinion he openly & freely states this), he is brutally honest, & he loves to get a rise out of me cause apparently I am cute when annoyed.  However, at the end of the day I know he truly does adore and care for me.   He is protective.  He pushes my buttons, but also can calm me down in 5 minutes.

My friends are great in my opinion, want to ensure he is a dominant not domineering, we aren’t moving too fast, & they are protective as well.   They are also opinionated, headstrong, & willing to argue you down if necessary.   Always ladies, but don’t take no shit off of anyone.  (Yes, they are my girls for this reason & beyond).

He wanted me to have a great time at dinner with my girls but he also was picking at me earlier stating, I know they are going to say you should probably leave me because I am not the type of guy you are probably use to dating.  I think he genuinely worries about that.  They admit that our dating is not my norm, but love that he makes me happy.  They admit his past scared them, but hell it scared me too.  However, I suspect all parties feel some type of way about the other & I take blame for that.

I speak the truth how I see it & hear it.   I don’t hide behind smoke and mirrors because I am a horrible liar & if you know me well, you can read my emotions all over my face & in my tone of voice.  He & I discuss everything – we talk about deep conversations that couples probably shouldn’t have this early but it fits us.  We have talked about us having kids (no, definitely not now but later on in the future if our relationship goes the distance & we want them), we talk about our goals, ambitions, and dreams.  We talk about a life together because it is going to be complicated & we need to continue to keep those lines of communication open in our opinions.    We talk about changing each other because I have changed him in some ways & he has changed me in some ways.  We are continuing to learn the art of compromise.  He understands that pushing me too hard and too fast could cause me to leave him & that isn’t his intention.  We both want happiness together and with each other.

So, I need to learn to be more subdued.  I need to learn to hold in some things.  I need to learn to navigate the rocky seas alone at times.  It is my desire for my girls to meet this guy who at times is my antagonist, but also loves me to pieces.   I haven’t had that in a long while – a man who openly loves me to pieces, isn’t ashamed to tell the world I am his girl, & continues to show up when I need him the most.  Nope, he isn’t everything I was looking for nor am I everything he was looking for however we have a chemistry and connection.  We care for each other.

I love my girls.   They hold me strong when I have crumbled to pieces and vice versa.  They understand me in ways others are not capable.  They are not only my friends, they are my sisters. They have been in my life longer than he has and will be there if this relationship falls to pieces.  What I will not tolerate is either party feeling disrespected nor will I tolerate either party being judgmental of the other.

So, I am going to work on sharing the positives and not so much the negatives.  I am going to focus on discussing things in general and only the occasional cool things in detail.   Because I need to fix this if I ever expect the three people I love to come together cordially.   Ugh, I should also be the lady who need to keep her damn mouth shut more often.    Relationships are like riding a bike after taking a long hiatus, eventually after a few stumbles you find your stride, right??!!!

Advertisements

The art of compromise or why I feel like I am being punished

Compromise: an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by both sides making concessions

Theoretically, in a fairly healthy relationship you only get 80% of what you want – this is referred to as the 80/20 rule.   Meaning, you are going to have to compromise on some things.  I am actually a huge fan of compromising because both people get some thing they desire.   In an ideal world, most people would love to always get their way.  In reality, no one gets what they want 100% of the time, & if they do then the other party is either never going to be happy or their feelings on a situation are never taken under consideration.

My partner’s favorite quote is: “the word compromise isn’t in my vocabulary.  It’s either my way or the highway.”   He desires to open me up to new experiences & I am cool with this, except for one thing.  I don’t desire to perform oral sex on a woman nor do I want them to do it to me because I believe in returning favors & once again, I don’t wanna do that.

I don’t mind playing with a woman, kissing a woman, playing with a woman from the waist up, hell, I will even entertain the thought of a woman using a strap on – on me.  But, I don’t want that choice forced upon me.  I want to engage in that behavior of my own free will, not because it is someone’s expectation of me.   So, we have discussed this & he agreed we would not revisit this topic again until next year because I don’t wanna do it.   He was a little upset that he gave into what I wanted.  He said, “I must really love your ass because I never compromise.”

Fast forward almost 24 hrs later, somehow we got back on this topic & it was a huge debate.  We exchanged words.   “You knew what I wanted when we first got together.  I told you this is what I liked.”  And in all fairness, he did.   However, I had been up front since the first time we spoke that I didn’t want to do that.   I was honest about what I was looking for in a potential mate.  Hell, I even showed him my writing on it.  After a little while he decided that I needed to take some time to really think about if being in a relationship with him is what I wanted.

I was pissed the fuck off.   I have compromised for you.  I send the occasional naked photo and even let you video tape us having sex for the first time (don’t judge me people, I am the lady of pure filth for a reason), yet you can’t concede this one thing for me.   We weren’t even suppose to discuss this matter again until next year.

*takes a breath*  I know he said this was to give me a chance to think without him around, but it feels like I am being punished for not only sticking to my guns for what I didn’t want, but for getting him to actually compromise for me.   It also makes me feel you don’t love me as much as you say – you don’t leave a person alone for days.   You work through an issue with a person, you have to compromise for a relationship to work.  Maybe, I am asking too much of a person with a Dominant personality.   But, in my mind, this sets a bad precedent – if I don’t do what you want then you are going to leave me alone for a few days in hopes that my desire to be with you is stronger than sticking to what makes me comfortable for now.   You don’t get your way and then I am out.

*sigh*  I got some soul searching to do.   I need to weigh the options.  I need to listen to my heart.  I need to trust my feelings.   Yes, our connection is strong, but if you loved me like you say you do then you would be willing to meet me part of the way.   Maybe I am not enough.  Maybe I am too much.   All I know is by Thursday afternoon I better have an answer because I feel like no matter what I decide, I won’t be able to back out it.

Fear, commitment & I said what??

Commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. 

I can’t recall ever seeing a successful or healthy relationship growing up.  I didn’t understand what that consisted of & even now, I have a hard time believing a great relationship doesn’t have to include a lot of trauma and drama.   Many people think they know what it takes to be in a healthy, committed relationship but we fail because you are looking at the outer beauty of someone, what they can provide for us, will they fit into the box of expectations I hold, or simply because we don’t wanna be alone.

I am afraid of commitment.  It is official.  It means I know I am going to be held to certain expectations.  I know it means if I agree to be with you, damn it, I got to be with you good & bad times.   It means allowing myself to be vulnerable & seen.  Sometimes, I wear a tough veneer so people can’t see deep down inside I am a sensitive, teddy bear who just wants to be adored and accepted for who she is – flaws and all.

*sigh*  We have continued to talk, discuss, and grow closer together.  Almost a month of talking & dating is a short amount of time, but he makes me feel comfortable.  After much discussion, we decided we were going to meet privately so we could do as he said “whatever you are comfortable with.  It’s all your decision.”   That could include watching television, talking, or becoming intimate.  He decided we wouldn’t have a play session this first time.  He felt I didn’t need that right now.  I needed closeness, intimacy, and sexual connection.

*shakes head*  All up to me?   The idea of becoming intimate actually made me nervous.  I couldn’t put my finger on why.  He actual makes me feel comfortable.  It is like I have known him for years & he feels the same way.   When I arrived, I was actually calm.  I was happy to see his face.  He smiled at me & hugged me tight.  We talked, we laughed, we tried to watch television but the signal was out.   Then after a while, he sat down next to me.  We looked at each other & he asked me, “are you sure you want to do this?”  I smiled & said “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”

He kissed me & damn- we were touching, kissing, cuddling, & making love.   It was good. If I can laugh, tease, and enjoy looking at you while having amazing orgasms, it is a definite win for me.   Then the question was thrown down: “is this lust or something more?”  That question slapped me in the face.  I had teased a week earlier that I am sure this is just lust and nothing more because he said, “I think you are beginning to fall in love with me.”

Could this be love?   I wasn’t expecting this to develop into something.   I didn’t answer at first because fuck – if I answer one way I would be lying & if I told the truth I would have to own the other parts of that truth.   Once again, he is relentless so the question kept being repeated at times as his body was on top of mine & he was staring into my eyes with those baby blues.  I wasn’t getting out of this.   And in a moment of letting go I said the words I had been trying to avoid: “no, it isn’t lust.  It is falling in love.”  He replied as I expected, “I know” and kissed me hard.    Somewhere along the lines, I dropped my guard & committed without hesitation.   He let me know I was a taken woman – I had a Sir and a man (boyfriend).
So, later that night I stayed after a munch to talk with my girls.  We discussed all the things going on in our lives & I had to own the truth.   And I don’t know if it was what I said or the tone in my voice but one of them turns to me & says “you have a boyfriend” & the other “you have a Sir”.   And I panicked on the inside for a while.  I haven’t had either in a while.  I became committed & realized that is what I feared the most.  I am a lady with a significant other but how did this happen so fast & without me throwing multiple roadblocks down.   *stomps foot*

I had to deny this to be true because things don’t happen that easily for me.  They don’t just fall into place.   So, I talked to him throughout the day & even skipped my workout to spend time with him on the phone while he was working.   And we got into a heavy debate regarding this commitment & because he likes to antagonize me – “I like to see you get all defensive and mad.  It’s cute. *You can’t see it but I’m giving a lot of side eye*.”  He said that I would be willing to do anything he wanted & I said no.   We went back and forth until he threw truths in my face.  And I had to calm down & agree he may have a point.   He got that tone in his voice that I have only heard a few times, but I know he is being super serious: “I will go slow into trying anything with you.  I will never hurt you.  I already said I was going to open you up to trying new things & you already have done things you wouldn’t try before.   Baby, I am not going to leave you.  If anything, you would leave me first.  I am happy you are mine because we are going to explore a whole hell of a lot.”   Well, damn, how can I argue with that.   And then he said those words that made me curse because I felt it to – yes I said it back, though I did say them to him yesterday without fully realizing it.

So, guess I am someone’s significant other & submissive.  How did this happen so fast?  How did a potential no turn into a definite yes?   He earned me.  He said, “I knew you were mine after the first day we met.”  He didn’t check all my boxes, but he is consistent.  He makes me a priority.  He shows me I am adored.  He let’s me know I am cherished & beautiful.  He definitely doesn’t hide behind smoke & mirrors.  And he cares about me not only as a submissive, but as a woman.  He makes me smile; I am taking a chance & feel like I am a lucky girl!

 

If it takes you twenty years to make a decision, I will wait!

The answer hasn’t been a no.  I still haven’t really talked about him again with my friends except for a couple: one doesn’t care, she has stated her peace & her opinion is set – such is life.  The other is encouraging & said no matter what she will love me.  I was going to write him off, I am a jerk that way sometimes.  Thing about dominant men is this – if they really want you, they are fucking relentless.   He is tenacious in a good way.  He doesn’t push, but he doesn’t hide his intentions or desires.  He makes me want to punch him in the face at times because of how brutally honest he can be, but he also knows how to make me laugh.   I have expressed my concerns to him.   He not only listens, he understands, he hears me.  He also doesn’t push for me to make a decision.  He encourages me to take my time & see how it goes.  “If it takes you twenty years to make a decision then I will wait.”   What?   Who says that?  Who does that?  Are you insane?  You would honestly wait to be with me?   *blows imaginary hair piece out of face*

He text messages me every morning, except that one morning cause we were waiting to see who would text who first cause I said something sarcastic.  He is consistent.  He fits me into his schedule.  I hate that I can’t read him.  He keeps certain things close to the vest, but he also doesn’t hold back in letting me know – he wants to be with me & potentially for a lifetime (Once again, what?   Who says such things especially to me?).  He definitely gives me an enthusiastic fuck yes in wanting to be with me.

*stomps foot*   He also pisses me off because he is 100% honest not only about himself, but he is 100% in calling out my flaws as well as good points.  He is married, poly, and openly so.  There are no secrets.  There is no hiding.  His wife knows he wants me as his submissive and girlfriend.  She is cool with that as long as we are cool with that.   I wanna say no because you know list & things.   Plus I have done the poly thing before & it didn’t really work.   However, I am now in this potential boat with a guy who isn’t pushing me either way, but wants me.  We plan and God laughs.   Ironically, my gut feeling is to say yes.   I can’t explain why this is a yes.  It should be a no by all accounts.  But, he is hard working, compassionate, funny, & actual desires to know me.  He says it is all up to me.  When & what am I going to decide?  Will I listen to others or march to the beat of my own drum as always?   Will I keep this a secret or be open about it?  I have made some decisions in my mind, but making the final choice is scary either way.  What am I going to do??!!

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Marching to the beat of a different drum.  I have been doing that for what seems like my entire life.  It seems like whenever people push me to make a decision in the way they desire, I either listen or completely rebel.  Always have, and it is not a manner of no one being able to tell me what to do.  It is a matter of listening to my instincts.   My instincts have never been wrong & there are times I have gone against my own voice, but even then the lessons I learned where valuable in ways I didn’t understand til later.

Today ended with me having to come home & take a three hour nap because so many voices and looks of shock swirled around in my head.  Nothing spikes your irritability factor like having your 20 year dating past thrown up in your face, even if just for fun.  Yes I get it, everyone thinks I make horrible decisions when it comes to dating & selecting a mate.  Let’s not split hairs, I could probably write a book on my worst, funniest, and shocking dating moments.  In my defense in my 20’s I was the most naive woman you ever met.  I didn’t get the spit or swallow joke til my boyfriend, at the time, explained it to me (I was 22).

True facts:  If you are a deemed an asshole by someone, you are probably going to love me.  In fact, we probably will get along very well.  So, I do attract men who are assholes.  I have a theory on it.

I am guilty of being picky & writing you off for behaviors I deem awkward.  Guy who would cum in the corner of his bedroom – nope.  Funky looking teeth – nope.  Tiny hands and short nail beds – it might be a no from me.  Don’t practice proper hygiene – that’s an automatic disqualification.

I can be assertive which means when you meet me I am going to say what I think.  I am going to ask you so many questions your head will spin.  I am going to probably appear anything but submissive.   Deal with it, learn to channel it, and I am yours.

 

I also am sensitive and give more chances than many people deserve.  If I love you.  If you mean something to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion – I am not going to be able to break the bond cleanly.  I wish I possessed the talent of cutting people out of my life and not looking back. If I cut a person off you would have had to hurt me so badly it hurts my soul to even look at you. And even then after a few years, you might be able to get back into my good graces with a few rules in place.

The other day I received a message from a dominant that lives close to me.  I read the message & he instantly got points – there was proper grammar, no slang, no one word message, & no dick pic showing as his profile picture.  So, I actually responded.  He wrote back another proper message.   And we started talking.  He wasn’t sexually suggestive.  He wasn’t trying to get me to send nude photos.   He actually held a decent conversation.

There is a negative side because that’s the story of my life.  I should be the Lady of Awkward Dating Situations.  He openly acknowledged that he didn’t meet the criteria of what I was looking for, but he believes he possess a lot of what I desire.  (You can’t see the raised eyebrow but trust me it’s there).  And he honestly laid out his faults on the table to the point my jaw hit the floor more times than I can count.   Amazingly, he said he knew that was a lot of information to take in & told me to go home and think about it.  When I reached a decision to let him know what I decided.

My friends always follow up with me when I am done with a date.  *Side note: I need to just start dating secretively so all bad decisions are just mine to handle alone.*  We talked about what happened: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The overwhelming answer wasn’t just no but hell fuck no.   He and I are definitely different people in a multitude of ways and that is mildly putting it.   If it is on your worse case scenario list, this guy probably has done it or been there.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown because no matter the decision, I alone have to live with the consequences of that decision.  And in some situations I have paid the toll heavily.

So, what is the problem?   Usually, I can make a decision on important matters rather quickly.  My gut never fails me.  However, there is a conflict between my instincts and logical side & I don’t know where the discrepancy lies.   Am I judging the sins of a person’s past way too harshly?  Possibly.  Ever person has a story.  Some people’s story are a lot harder to swallow than others.   Some people’s life decisions are harder to swallow than others.   Maybe because of my profession, I can humanize situation and things others quickly turn their nose up to (which isn’t always a good thing).  I listen and ask the appropriate questions.   I analyze situations because that’s what I do.  I have to have a plan from A to Z.  I have to look at all angles before I make a decision, even when the information isn’t pleasant.

The final decision will probably be a no.  Not because of his past.  Once again no one is perfect & we all have fallen short in one way or another.  It is because though he believes he can give me what I need I don’t see that as a possibility.  We are not of the same background & our lives are different in so many ways.  There are aspects of his life I am not 100% comfortable with & though it has been a while since I have actually been out with a person in a dating looking to progress further way –  I stopped dating people for the sake of dating because I was bored in my 20’s.  I own multiple toys that can bring me to orgasm, I have friends I can go out on dates with, and hell I take myself out on amazing dates by myself.  I can do pretty well on my own.  I just always hate being the person who always says no because of X, Y, &/or Z .  For once, it would be nice to actually tell a person “fuck yes, I would love to go out with you” & in return that person feel that exact same way about me.

Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

Trust & the Kiss of a Whip

Hi, my name is Ladyofpurefilth & I am addicted to being on the receiving end of a whip.  There are only a few sounds that immediately grab my attention & the cracking of a whip is one of them.   I could watch a person work with it all day/night & probably never get bored.  You could have four different people who are proficient with a whip in a room & all four will have a completely different style & flow when wielding it.   I have been a very blessed submissive to know a multitude of talented individuals who can use a whip well.  I have also been blessed to be able to experience the intensity & artistry of a whip in various ways: a whip circle, Florentine whips, different styles of whips, etc.

Receiving a whip is something I enjoy.  So, it wasn’t surprising when a good friend of mine texted me asking would I like to be the demo doll for a presentation on whips because an experienced whip bottom was needed. Also because she knows me she immediately told me who the presenter of this demo would be.  There was absolutely no hesitation on my part – the answer was an immediate yes.  I know this individual & his wife.  I don’t see them as often as I would like but they are family to me.   I didn’t have questions to ask simply because I trust these people enough that whatever is needed I would gladly do without hesitation because I know they would not let harm come my way.

Normally, if I am the demo bottom of a presentation I get some slight nerves before time.  The presenter is the person who receives the majority of the credit because they are talking & giving knowledge however a demo bottom can either make or break that person’s presentation in a multitude of ways.  And a demo bottom’s role is important because usually a bottom/submissive/slave has questions about the sensation, they want to touch your marks, have a conversation, or is clenching the chair wondering if you need help.  It is imperative for the demo bottom to be able to speak to others when approached & encourage them to try something (if it is in their wheel house) new.

Anyway that’s a topic I may expand upon later but back to the topic at hand.  I wasn’t nervous at all.  However I did feel a pressure unlike anytime before.   I respect this person.  I want this experience to be not only positive for myself but for him as well.   I want to make him proud, his other half happy, make my group look good, & make sure I am a good reflection not only of myself but who ever else is attached to me.  The only question I had was “how naked do you want me?”  Standard answer – “whatever you are comfortable with”.    Oddly, I am extremely comfortable being naked for demos or play parties but in everyday life I won’t even where shorts cause you know too much skin showing.  I am odd.  I opted for just panties even though I am pretty positive people from multiple states have seen all of me in my natural glory.

“Gee, I wonder who the demo bottom is for this.” – This is what I hear as I am standing up in the front getting ready for my body to be a canvas for this presentation.   *takes a deep breath* I can’t say what I desire to say because it isn’t nice – that whole being a reflection thing in a plethora of ways really can be a pain in the ass.   But honestly, if you don’t like that I am a person’s demo doll tough shit.  They didn’t ask you.  However, if you want to take my place I will gladly put my clothes back on & watch you do it.  Seriously keep your snarky comments to yourself.   There is a reason people ask me to do these things & I will always say yes because it is an honor to be considered.

*shake it off & focus*   Well, the focusing part wasn’t too hard because I was turned to face a wall, told to be quiet, &I was unable to see anyone for the majority of the demo.  Damn, he is super proficient.  He is accurate & honestly absolutely amazing with a whip.  Yes, he can inflict pain but also can kiss your skin so gently you would think “this can’t be a whip”.   One part of the presentation did surprise even me – “turn around, get on your knees, & close your eyes.”  There is no time to second guess that command or ask questions.  I immediately do what he says because trust is in fact a beautiful thing.   I got to experience something I never have before & possibly never will again – I got whipped in the face (in a good way).  It was amazing.  The sensation is something I can’t describe easily in words.  It was like little kisses on the face.  Soft, delicate, and just enough sensation.

When the presentation was done I could feel in my heart that everything went well.  I could feel his energy & knew he was pleased with how things went.   I enjoyed every second.   And honestly, I was ecstatic simply over the fact that I could tell the presenter was pleased.  I had the opportunity to speak to a few people in audience & allowed a few to touch the marks on my back and breasts.   I even hugged a lady in the crowd because she looked absolutely terrified for me.  (occasionally I do provide after care for the audience if necessary).   And I always get a chuckle when asked what is your safe word so I can call it for you.  *giggles*  That’s not how that works but I appreciate you looking out for me like that.   In the end, I had a beautiful experience with two amazing people who checked in with me before, during, & after the demo to ensure I was doing well mentally & emotionally.  I would gladly do it again.