Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

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Trust & the Kiss of a Whip

Hi, my name is Ladyofpurefilth & I am addicted to being on the receiving end of a whip.  There are only a few sounds that immediately grab my attention & the cracking of a whip is one of them.   I could watch a person work with it all day/night & probably never get bored.  You could have four different people who are proficient with a whip in a room & all four will have a completely different style & flow when wielding it.   I have been a very blessed submissive to know a multitude of talented individuals who can use a whip well.  I have also been blessed to be able to experience the intensity & artistry of a whip in various ways: a whip circle, Florentine whips, different styles of whips, etc.

Receiving a whip is something I enjoy.  So, it wasn’t surprising when a good friend of mine texted me asking would I like to be the demo doll for a presentation on whips because an experienced whip bottom was needed. Also because she knows me she immediately told me who the presenter of this demo would be.  There was absolutely no hesitation on my part – the answer was an immediate yes.  I know this individual & his wife.  I don’t see them as often as I would like but they are family to me.   I didn’t have questions to ask simply because I trust these people enough that whatever is needed I would gladly do without hesitation because I know they would not let harm come my way.

Normally, if I am the demo bottom of a presentation I get some slight nerves before time.  The presenter is the person who receives the majority of the credit because they are talking & giving knowledge however a demo bottom can either make or break that person’s presentation in a multitude of ways.  And a demo bottom’s role is important because usually a bottom/submissive/slave has questions about the sensation, they want to touch your marks, have a conversation, or is clenching the chair wondering if you need help.  It is imperative for the demo bottom to be able to speak to others when approached & encourage them to try something (if it is in their wheel house) new.

Anyway that’s a topic I may expand upon later but back to the topic at hand.  I wasn’t nervous at all.  However I did feel a pressure unlike anytime before.   I respect this person.  I want this experience to be not only positive for myself but for him as well.   I want to make him proud, his other half happy, make my group look good, & make sure I am a good reflection not only of myself but who ever else is attached to me.  The only question I had was “how naked do you want me?”  Standard answer – “whatever you are comfortable with”.    Oddly, I am extremely comfortable being naked for demos or play parties but in everyday life I won’t even where shorts cause you know too much skin showing.  I am odd.  I opted for just panties even though I am pretty positive people from multiple states have seen all of me in my natural glory.

“Gee, I wonder who the demo bottom is for this.” – This is what I hear as I am standing up in the front getting ready for my body to be a canvas for this presentation.   *takes a deep breath* I can’t say what I desire to say because it isn’t nice – that whole being a reflection thing in a plethora of ways really can be a pain in the ass.   But honestly, if you don’t like that I am a person’s demo doll tough shit.  They didn’t ask you.  However, if you want to take my place I will gladly put my clothes back on & watch you do it.  Seriously keep your snarky comments to yourself.   There is a reason people ask me to do these things & I will always say yes because it is an honor to be considered.

*shake it off & focus*   Well, the focusing part wasn’t too hard because I was turned to face a wall, told to be quiet, &I was unable to see anyone for the majority of the demo.  Damn, he is super proficient.  He is accurate & honestly absolutely amazing with a whip.  Yes, he can inflict pain but also can kiss your skin so gently you would think “this can’t be a whip”.   One part of the presentation did surprise even me – “turn around, get on your knees, & close your eyes.”  There is no time to second guess that command or ask questions.  I immediately do what he says because trust is in fact a beautiful thing.   I got to experience something I never have before & possibly never will again – I got whipped in the face (in a good way).  It was amazing.  The sensation is something I can’t describe easily in words.  It was like little kisses on the face.  Soft, delicate, and just enough sensation.

When the presentation was done I could feel in my heart that everything went well.  I could feel his energy & knew he was pleased with how things went.   I enjoyed every second.   And honestly, I was ecstatic simply over the fact that I could tell the presenter was pleased.  I had the opportunity to speak to a few people in audience & allowed a few to touch the marks on my back and breasts.   I even hugged a lady in the crowd because she looked absolutely terrified for me.  (occasionally I do provide after care for the audience if necessary).   And I always get a chuckle when asked what is your safe word so I can call it for you.  *giggles*  That’s not how that works but I appreciate you looking out for me like that.   In the end, I had a beautiful experience with two amazing people who checked in with me before, during, & after the demo to ensure I was doing well mentally & emotionally.  I would gladly do it again.

Learning the layers to your sexuality & sensuality

In my previous writing I talked about a part of me being broken because of two different men which may not be a completely fair & honest statement.  Last year taught me more about myself in terms of personality, relationships, and sexuality than I ever expected.  I dated a few different guys and had short term relationships with two people.

Both men different in various ways but both proved to be toxic.  Both proved to break my heart & open my eyes in ways I never anticipated.  Both guys live thousands of miles apart but both seemed to see the same things in me. The first two things are obvious because I admit both things right off the bat when meeting a potential partner – I am a submissive & masochist.   The other two are things both men saw & I occasionally acknowledge them but didn’t believe they defined part of my sexuality until being forced to take a closer look: slut & degradee.  All four are a dimension of my sexuality; it’s just that all four parts aren’t directly laid on the table upon meeting me.   Another aspect was brought up by the last guy and that is something I will open discuss in a bit.

The submissive   If you really know me, then this isn’t a shocker.  Hell if you read this blog from time to time this isn’t new information.   Years ago I discovered the feelings I had sexually had a name – submissive.  That discovery led me down the rabbit hole of BDSM & eventually spurred me on to step out into the local community.  I hated making choices in the bedroom.  “What do you want?”   I don’t know – what I do know is if you don’t do something with me or to me soon I am going to explode.  Occasionally I have moments where I want to try something or I will give you a very obvious clue I desire to do something but bluntly stating my sexual needs didn’t occur.

Honestly stating my sexual needs can be painful because in the moment I can’t think.  I can feel.  I can whine, cry, and scream out in desire but putting together a coherent thought doesn’t happen.  It is sexual instinct.

However, my submissiveness goes beyond play & sex.   I actually do enjoy providing service to the right person. What are your likes and dislikes?  How can I help make your day easier?   How can I assist you with things you need?  How can I take care of you without feeling like a servant?  How can we better our community?  How can we help others?  Anticipating needs, helping our community, giving back to others, assisting as best possible, making sure the person I serve is comfortable, assuring they are cared for and loved is all a part of service because I expect you to do all of those things in return.

I hate when people say submission is all giving and Dominance is all receiving.  This is a falsehood.  A true balanced D/s or M/s dynamic is a delicate balance of both parties giving & receiving – just in different ways.  But there should always be a balance so no one side feels unappreciated.   Both guys stated what many have seen – I am a strong woman but a true submissive/slave soul lies within me.  I am a good girl.

The masochist –  If you know me, not a surprising revelation.  However, I wasn’t always honest about my need for pain in order to receive pleasure.  I kind of knew but never exactly knew what to call it or even if such a thing existed. I knew I wasn’t exactly normal in terms of what I needed for sexual gratification.  Playing with my nipples was fine but I didn’t soak my panties until you bit my nipples hard & pulled like you were trying to tear it off.  I realized I like to be grabbed roughly.  I like being spanked.  I like the pain associated with various forms of play & sex.  As I moved into the community I learned about flogging, whippings, canes, dragon tails, electrical play, fire play, & so much more.   I also learned about what people referred to as pain sluts & I hated the name.  I didn’t want to be associated with those two words.

Other people acknowledged my masochism before I ever did.  I constantly denied or would compare it to another person.  Then one day I met a play partner who changed my world & forced me to acknowledge just how deep my masochism ran.   The moment that sealed the deal was being at an event away from home & being punched in the arm for over an hour in the same spot hard all while moaning and grinning & then getting a beating in the dungeon. After recovering I went to the bathroom & was shocked by how much I had cum.  I was literally oozing.  I was so surprised I sat on the toilet and wondered what was wrong with me?  Why couldn’t I be a “normal” woman?

Accepting who I was in regards to this took some time.   And I realized I wasn’t a freak of nature. I wasn’t damaged.  I was a girl who enjoyed sex & play in a different manner.  I wasn’t alone & there were people who loved hurting me as much as I loved to be hurt.  And it was perfectly acceptable as long as we all understood it was consensual.

The slut – The two things above doesn’t mean a sexual relationship with me is guaranteed.  Play & sex don’t always go hand in hand (but I will be honest and say when it does it makes life a heck of a lot nicer).   The ability to put your parts into me deepens the relationship.  You are beginning to take all of the above elements and push them into a more intimate moment.   This is where both guys started seeing the complete picture of me.   You see, when I can combine both things, I turn into a uninhibited, needy, slutty, fuck toy.

I love being able to connect with my partners through dirty text messages, explicit emails, sexual video chats, fucking, oral sex (receiving/giving) or accomplishing sexual commands throughout the day.  One of them learned I can come on command if trained appropriately.  And we both learned how much fun it is to make me a needy, wanton woman just by saying those magic words (no it isn’t like a Netflix password anyone can use or hand out to friends.  The person & mental connection makes this happen not just some random jackhole saying it).  After that revelation I was told “your such a dirty little slut.”  Well, I couldn’t say no after he just witnessed me orgasm repeatedly.  So yes, yes I am & you are damn lucky to see this side of me because not everyone gets an invitation to know this part of me.

Let’s make the following things clear.  I don’t apologize for: having a healthy sexual appetite, pushing my relationships further when the chemistry is present, having sexual desires and needs, needing to be used hard, & enjoying pain with my sexual pleasure.  I love sex & the raw unbridle passion that comes along with it.   I enjoy playing & fucking for hours.  Twenty minutes isn’t going to get it.  You need to slot off the afternoon or evening.  I enjoy being a wanton, fuck toy for the right person.  Both of them learned that & pushed me in a territory I never imagined going.  Some things are pleasurable but even I have reservations about a few things.

The degradee –  So down the rabbit hole they took me into a land where pleasure is not only associated with pain and need but with a side of humiliation & degradation.   I didn’t think I could ever get off on either thing.  In the world of kink I continually learn to never say never.   Both men presented me with things they desired to do to me & my answer was absolutely not which eventually changed into maybe.   “Don’t be closed off to new things just because in your mind you have already said no.  *huffs*  It’s fine you want to call me your dirty fuck toy, your slut, but you also wish for me to engage in water sports & be aroused.   *raises an eyebrow*

Discussions and compromises occurred.  I said yes to so many things.  I begged & pleaded for these things.   I loved the energy.  The loss of control & being able to be a dirty little slut because I had to be.  Until it was time to do the one thing I always said no to – water sports.   The first time was quick and I immediately showered.   It was his first time as well as mine.   We both shared a moment where we were both each others first despite years in kink.    The next time was with the other guy & it was a degrading sexual experience – I still remember well.  When it was all over he sat down next to me & said “see what happens when you say yes instead of no.  You learn you do like something.”   I couldn’t look at him but he forced me to look him in the eyes so I understood how he felt – “I’m very proud of you.   You are a very good girl.”

There were other things and moments but what I learned in that moment is – it is okay to do things that aren’t considered normal.  Does it please you? Does it please your partner?   Are you open to trying something you never have done before?   Do you realize you are loved not only for being your self but for allowing your sexuality to be fully released and even challenged?

Both of these men brought this element out & I am not 100% comfortable with this yet.  I have already had to conquer the labels of submissive & masochist but adding a woman who also enjoys degradation and humiliation maybe too much. What does that say about me?   How far does the dark side of my sexuality go?   What is enough?   Are there limits?  Is sex just better the dirtier, nastier, & more taboo it is for me?   Perhaps it is.  But I also learned with the last guy that I do have limits & areas I just won’t go.  The fifth aspect that doesn’t count as a part of me but I have engaged in is race play.

Race play – Years ago I had a partner that enjoyed race play.  At the time we met I didn’t know this.  We had talked about it one night & then gradually he started introducing into our play & sex.  Eventually, he started associating certain words & my ability to orgasm or get extremely wet.   There was never a question of how much he cared for me.  I always knew I was his most loved & treasured girl.  I also knew if anyone said anything cross to me – he would absolutely murder them.

Fast forward to this past year – one of the guys I ended up with enjoyed race play.  I figured it had been a while but I guess I could give it a try until I realized he wasn’t playing.  He honestly had some extreme views towards women of color & close-minded views in multiple areas.   I tried to make it work but the soul of me cringed & ached just hearing him talk.  He was protective in some ways but definitely had the potential to become more abusive as time went on.  I was viewed as nothing more than object to control.   Nothing will shut down a potential relationship faster than being told, “you are a very lucky nigger to find such a strong Dominant white male to care for you.”   It completely shattered my views of race play.  And as I began to research it more I realized it was a way for some people to take out their prejudices under the guise of play.

Questions still linger in my mind however:  Was he correct in the fact I was lucky to be with him?  Was I everything he thought I was?  Would he have eventually hurt me even though he promised he would never hurt me?  Could I live with myself knowing I was sleeping next to a man with such hateful ideas?   The answers I always come to is no.  It is hard living with the idea of knowing I was with a man who believed such things even if for a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could be with him to help change him however YOU can’t change people with core beliefs like this.  You can’t blame yourself.  You can’t live a life of shame, fear, & disgust hoping to bring someone to the light.

Overall, both men saw things in me that I knew existed & drew things out of me I never imagined.  Both did things that hurt me in ways I never imagined but they both left footprints in my soul & mind that will never be forgotten. No one ever said life lessons were easy.  No one ever said in the world of kink even as an experienced top or bottom that you can’t get fooled, you can’t fall down the wrong path, or be devastated.

I am a submissive, a masochist, a slut, & a degradee.  Do these four dimensions make me feel bad about myself? Absolutely not.  They are a part of me but aren’t the total definition of who I am .  Play & sex are physical but the mental aspect is absolutely key.  Both men knew how to reach me mentally & physically.  There is an unexplainable loss.   However, if those two can eventually see those parts of me & more so will another person.  This time, hopefully, this person will be worthy of knowing all the parts of me. My choices may still haunt me but it is continually reinforced that I want to be respected, loved, & seen for the individual I am – not the fetish, fantasy, or separate parts a person desires me to be.

Life’s a journey not a destination

*takes a deep breath & exhales*  Life has gotten incredibly busy in the last few weeks but I am not complaining. Things are beginning to take off in a positive direction in more ways than I could have imagined & I can only think they will get better.  This is going to be a random writing all over the place to get out a few things so……yeah!!

YAY for finally starting a new job & I am home.  Learning the ropes hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined but then again I always imagine things to be harder than what they really are.  The people have been nice but of course I am still learning many of them.  Rediscovering home has been exciting.  A lot can change in a year that’s for sure.  Do I miss Texas?  Of course I do.  However, life has taken me to this moment right now & I can’t live in the past.  I have to make new memories & live in the now.  Otherwise new opportunities are going to pass me by.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

My BDSM family makes the transition so much easier.  I am blessed in so many ways to know some amazing men & women who have grown closer to me than I ever imagined possible over the years.  Their hugs, laughter, positive energy, support, & guidance fill my soul.  It is nice to see them more often without having to say goodbye for months at a time.  My girls/sisters, my family, & friends allow me the freedom to be myself without explanation & they can be themselves without explanation or judgment.

On the submissive/slave front I have been asking myself questions & not really coming to any definitive answers. What do I expect out of a D/s or M/s relationship?  What do I bring to the table for a potential Dominant?  Do I want a Dominant controlling every aspect of my life?   How can you distinguish a person interested in knowing me versus a person viewing me as a fetish?  How do I honestly feel about raceplay?   Perhaps one day I will sit down & honestly answer those questions.  All I do know is that lately I keep thinking about two different men who have affected my life in ways I never imagined. Both caused various levels of distress in my life so bad I honestly don’t know what I would do if I saw either one man again.

Both men made question my submission in very different ways.  Both have made me question myself in terms of being a good slave.   I use to believe I wanted to be a slave for the right person but both people were wrong for me & in turn broke a piece of my slave heart with their actions.  One made me question the integrity of someone claiming to be Dominant.  The other just showed me how some dynamics can go from loving to abusive.   *sigh*  Perhaps another day I can write about this & lay all my feelings on the table good, bad, & shameful.

Today I saw an old acquaintance from middle school.  He hasn’t changed a bit in two decades.  He is still a very attractive man who has amazing charisma & a beautiful smile.  Two decades later I am still paling in comparison in terms of looks & grace.  We use to run into each other occasionally in our early teens and twenties.  And I somehow always managed to be looking my absolute worse.  Disheveled hair, no make up, pimple, plain Jane clothing, etc.  He always appeared put to together.   In middle school I had friends but I never quite fit in either.  I was different.  I wasn’t black enough.  I wasn’t thin enough.  I wasn’t short enough.  I had too many white friends.  I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect in some people’s eyes.  I was smart but that’s all I got credit for.  Lol, in middle school he swears we dated & then I got dumped for the head cheerleader of our class.  And that heifer still hates me today.  I ran into her years ago & decided to be cordial.   She looked at me & said, “I knew who you were I just didn’t want to speak to you.”   Apparently, she hated me for dating him & just being alive.

So fast forward to today – I am in my scrubs (not even the flattering pair) with no makeup, hair a complete mess & in need of washing, basically looking very meh.  Surprisingly something amazing happened – I didn’t care.  He called my name & recognized me immediately.  We hugged.  Exchanged pleasantries & carried about our lives.    I may never be the girl who has it all together.  I may occasionally look disheveled & less than beautiful but the older I have gotten the more I have learned to accept myself flaws & all.   I have also learned that not everyone is going to celebrate you. And you don’t have to conform to what society wants in order to be someone of value.  I am always going to be different.  I will always be the girl who loves Ludacris to Faith Hill.   I am always going to be the girl who is semi clumsy.  I will always be the girl who looks like a bitch when she isn’t smiling.  And I am always going to be the girl who has at least three people she knows of who hates her.  And slowly I have learned that is perfectly alright.

 

How honest are you with yourself?

“It is good that they are protective and looking out for you.   But if they don’t know the real you, because you haven’t allowed yourself to be honest with yourself, let alone others….then their advice, while from a good place could have the opposite effect than intended.” 

Some questions/statements linger & this statement jumps to the forefront of my mind. How honest are we about our own desires, wants, & needs especially if they go against societal norms?  Accepting various parts of ourselves can be a difficult process.  It took me years to admit that I was a masochist.  Why?  I knew I liked pain & found it sexually arousing but I didn’t want to be seen as a “pain slut.”  I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. At that time, I didn’t know a lot of people who got off on pain sexually.  Those who did were looked at like an unknown creature with people lining up to prove their Domly Dom skills.  The goal wasn’t to achieve a pleasurable scene for both people but to see how much pain could be dished out to the masochist at hand.  I didn’t want to be associated with being a masochist.  I didn’t want people to look at me as an object to take their frustrations out on.  It was a learning curve & I finally worked up the courage to say proudly I was a masochist.  I learned how to be selective with who I trusted to inflict pain/pleasure on me.  And I found some trustworthy people to do scenes with.

Now, here I am at a cross road again.  Bothered by the fact someone sees something in me that I don’t.  He knew I was a true slave.  He knew I was a masochist, but could I set societal norms aside & be the animal he desired.  He believed I could be but my mentality was an issue.  My inability to shake what society may think & focus my energy on pleasing him.  What society thinks as a whole doesn’t affect me too much obviously because I am a black female submissive & masochist who prefers dating white Dominant men with a sadistic side.   However, I do have to sit with my own moral compass.

Some taboos are just too far for me.  If others like it, then hell who am I to judge.  But there is a balancing act that has to be achieved within myself.  Could I be the woman he desired?  Of course, I could but at what price to my mental, emotional, & physical state.  Yes he was right in the fact I was able to his behaviors inside of the bedroom which were at times degrading.  I don’t come out openly and say I like degradation because there is a line.  I have to know deep within my soul that you love me & outside of a certain moment that type of behavior isn’t going to continue.   It is easy to hurt the soul of the person serving you when they can’t tell whether this is how you truly feel or they know this is what sexually gets you off & doesn’t reflect in anyway what they truly think of you.

Yes, I didn’t flinch much when he said derogatory names towards me.  Conditioning a slave to accept certain things takes work, but once it is ingrained, breaking that learned behavior can be difficult.  I would never go shouting this off the rooftops but I had a Dominant many years ago who conditioned me to be able to orgasm being called a racial slur.   This is the difference between Daddy & this other guy – I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he loved me, this never occurred outside of the bedroom, & he made it a point to explain to me why he conditioned me that way.   And part of it still works today – I am able (usually) to maintain my cool if I hear the word said which was one of his goals.   He treasured me & treated me like a princess.  He is one of the few men who truly made me see my beauty inside & out.  He didn’t view me as sub-human or less than – if anything Daddy use to make me feel like I could take on the world like I was a super hero.  He made me feel like I could do no wrong.   He could be rough, demanding, and the sexually nastiest man I knew, but he also was loving, kind, protective, charming, & made sure to reinforce to me I was his world.

Did this other guy see the real me or what he wanted to see in me?   The answer is not black or white.  Perhaps it is one of those gray areas & we both see different shades of gray. What I do know is – societal norms are important but have never dictated my choices in terms of relationships, etc.   The real me is a wanton, dirty, slut who enjoys being played and fucked rough, who needs pain to get off, & yes even a little degradation at times.  I am also a girl who believes in being loved, respected, adored, wanted, & seen as a capable woman.  I am far from sub-human.  I am not an animal.  And I would never deny who I am in order to please people I don’t freaking know.   I just refuse to change who I am to fit the mold of what someone desires.  I refuse to live a life that could border on a prison sentence.  BDSM isn’t abusive nor does it tear a person down.   So I know the real me.  The people that love me, know the real me.  Perhaps you should have taken the time to see the real me.

The spirit of you & me occasionally likes to visit me

Over the top romantic gestures, flowers, candy, hearts, and over the top public displays of affection – does not describe any relationship I have ever been in.   I have a tendency to attract men who many would describe as harsh, opinionated, assertive bordering on arrogant, & dare I say an asshole.   Look in their defense – I have my quirks and oddities.   What fascinates me is I have always been able to see beyond the exterior of what these guys show.  I see the layers they hide from the world & in those moments I see the beauty in them.  And in return, they see the beauty in me & I am shown love in a different way than most would imagine as loving gestures.   However these men & relationships are not without their flaws (I am not leaving myself out of that equation in terms of flaws).  Occasionally, I find a person that is just flawed – someone where compromise isn’t an option.

The past few nights I have had dreams about you.  I can almost feel you around me, close to me, etc.  The saying might be true that once you have sex with another person part of their energy transfers into you.  We had amazing conversations & you definitely could make me laugh.   Part of your Dominance spoke to me.  You were so demanding but when you actually gave a true heartfelt compliment it was felt.  Sexually, you understood what I needed even in the moments I didn’t understand what I needed.  You can be abrasive yet you also have moments where you can almost be calming & nurturing.  You made me realize being open to trying new things isn’t such a bad thing. Surprisingly, you taught me things about myself I didn’t know.

So, why am I not by your side right now when moments, like today, I sorta miss you.  Easy, you would never be able to view me as a woman.  I never wanted to be your equal, but I refuse to be with a person who sees me as sub-human.  I can’t support a man who doesn’t support others.   And ironically, if it wasn’t for those things, I actually could have seen a rewarding relationship for both of us.  As I get older I realize that you can’t change people.   You can’t sacrifice your values in order to be with someone because you see the potential in the relationship.  Many years ago I would have tried to be what you needed hoping you would change & see what we could be if you just changed.

Is it pathetic that I still have moments where I wonder about you?   Is it sad I want to know what’s going on with you despite being the one who decided I wasn’t the right fit for you? Many people would say yes.  I say unfortunately it is just the way I am designed.  I won’t call it a character flaw that I care about people who I have shared intimate moments with.  I wish I could be like others & dismiss a person like they were nothing.

However, I do choose to focus on the missing pieces.  The parts of a dynamic I need/desire which is intimate touch.  I love hugs & kisses at the right moments.  I want to know I am not only needed but wanted.  I want to touch a person’s heart & soul.  I want us to be a team.  A team that helps each other improve.  A team that is willing to correct the other when wrong.   A team where you lead & I follow because I simply know you are capable.   A partner who believes in the D/s or M/s dynamic but doesn’t misuse that position & pushes our relationship into an unhealthy place.   You weren’t capable of giving me those things.   And I was incapable of providing you what you needed.   Both of these things are perfectly fine.   Hopefully, I was able to teach you something or leave an impression in your mind or on your heart.   In the end all I can do is take care of myself & push forward even when my thoughts drift to you.   No person is all good & no person is all bad – I just wish you could have been more open minded.

 

Re-learning your worth as a submissive (or making a dumb choice because you can’t help it).

“Most of our mistakes, the big ones at least, are the result of allowing emotion to overrule logic.  We knew the right choice but didn’t obey.” 

Occasionally my emotional side overrules my logical side.   It is a weakness of mine to search for the good in a person instead of believing they are an absolute asshole.  Relationships ending always feels like a failure to me even when logically I know we weren’t meant to be.   I am always left with the feeling – could I have given more?  Did I fail at this relationship because of work obligations?  Do I fall short because I am trying to achieve a balance of friends, relationship, self-care, and career?   D/s and M/s relationships can become all consuming.   After 10 years in the lifestyle, occasionally I find myself being defined as not submissive enough (whatever the hell that means).

When the guy in my previous writing ended our relationship a month or two ago I struggled with the feeling of wanting to be back with this person.   I wanted to show him I was in fact submissive enough but I also wanted to prove you don’t have to lose yourself along the way.   I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so important to prove myself to a man who is a misogynistic, racist, & homophobic dick (obviously he does have a side I liked that was different than that).   I wanted to prove myself to a person that I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends & family.   And I still can’t provide a valid reason as to why – perhaps I miss the ability to serve, perhaps I miss actually being in a relationship, perhaps my ass needs to add in a new hobby.

We started talking again & the next thing I knew we had struck an agreement for me to come stay with him for four days.   I would serve him in a domestic fashion as well as sexual.  I agree with hesitation.   He continually reassured me he was not going to hurt me.  He didn’t want to hurt me.   He wanted to see had I changed & could I be the slave he desired.  I tried a few different things to get out of this but all my attempts failed.   Four days – I can do anything for four days; even if it’s to spend time with a man who enjoys degrading and humiliating me for his enjoyment.

Truth – sexually we are compatible on multiple levels.  I love degradation and humiliation sexually with the right person & privately.   The things I enjoy I would never mention in the presence of polite company.   In the moment, I lose control.  I drop pretense, ladylike behavior, & become an insatiable sexual creature that knows no bounds.  I want to be pushed and used hard.  I don’t want to make choices.  I don’t want gentle or polite.   And he knows how to push my sexual limits better than most. He has a devil dick as I call it.  It is beautiful but there are other pretty penises in the sea.   Sexual compatibility aside, we have common interest in music, movies, candles, sports, and enjoying various outdoor activities.   However we are two fundamentally different people & being with him for multiple, consecutive days started raising multiple concerns for me as to what a future together would look like.  It also made me realize the differences in the value systems we hold.

(1) Minorities, women, LGBT, & submissive men are equal to anyone else in this world.  They/We are strong individuals capable of doing any and everything imaginable in this world.   We are amazing.  And as Jessie Williams said “just because we’re magic doesn’t mean we’re not real.” I am a champion & believer in every person regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, or consenting sexual preferences.  I am not tolerant of inequality so the good ol’ boys can feel better about themselves.

Obviously, he doesn’t agree with my views.  He believes white males are superior. Males who are submissive are weak. Females are here to serve & can’t be dominant. Every minority is inferior & being homosexual or bisexual is a choice.  (Yes because some of the people I know would gladly choose to endure the discrimination they have faced due to their sexuality.  And all I can say is say that stuff to any female Dominant or male submissive I know – they will eat him for breakfast.  And don’t get me started on the various, beautiful minorities in this world.  I digress)

(2) Submissive/slave females must be careful in the lifestyle.  There are many wonderful Dominant men & women out there, however there are also a plethora of predators/abusers who use the lifestyle to hide their true intentions.   Learning the difference can save your life.

A nice face slap can cause me to grin from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat. However, slapping me out of the fucking blue for shits and giggles doesn’t sit well with me.  Calling me degrading names outside of sexual play is a good way to cause insecurity issues.   And feeling like my primary function is to be a maid, chef and occasional fuck toy doesn’t work either.

I was taught that being in a D/s relationship does involve sacrifice but outside of a few things – it is a relationship of trust, respect, & love. Perhaps I am too modern but I want to love, cherish, honor, & respect my partner however I also want the same level of commitment in return.   It makes a person no less Dominant to spoil his or her little letter.  It doesn’t throw off the exchange in power to show genuine concern and love for that which you own.  Breaking the spirit of your property isn’t dominance- it is a form of abuse.

(3) Welcome to the real world where careers, bills, extracurricular activities, children, families, friends, and the stress of everyday life exist.   24/7 isn’t feasible for everyone though many of us try.

I love my career & the idea of giving it up to become financially dependent upon another is frightening.  Giving up control in some aspects of my life is great but I want my financial freedom. I have seen & heard stories where it starts off with financial dependence & then months/years later the person is in an abusive  situation with no means of escape. Yes, I understand the majority of Dominant men believe it is their role to take care of the submissive in all ways.  Just because I work doesn’t mean you don’t have control.  You allow me the freedom to be me & still serve you.  You aren’t making me feel like you are taking care of me in exchange for me being a house nigger.

(4) Lastly, I found his red swastika t-shirt while putting away clothes & things changed immediately.   Controlling my anger was difficult especially when he said, “I’m not racist.”   Questions followed & he admitted well yeah I am racist with my views on inferiors but it doesn’t mean I hate them (looks at skin color to make sure it is still brown – yep…still brown).  My focus shifted. I am an adult with the ability to walk away from your foolishness.  However, my mind went to the little one not home from school yet.  A beautiful interracial child you had & now are raising.  A child whose soul made me giggle & smile.  A child who doesn’t say much but processes everything.  The little one who will grow up facing obstacles you know nothing about.  The little one who will be judged because of the color of his skin.  The little one who has a father who views him as partially flawed because of half of his DNA.  And my heart breaks because you do love this child but you have the great potential of breaking this child.

I want to steal this child before they see you mistreat a woman of color since they are your preference.  I want to steal this child before they learn their father is a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic & homophobic person in the world.  I want to shelter you & can’t because you aren’t mine.  Years from now I know thoughts of you will cross my mind & I will hope that you are well.  I will hope your father’s view points haven’t been passed down. And I hope you see yourself as strong, talented, and amazing just how you are.

So, what I learned in those four days was no matter how sexually attracted you may be to a person, if your values are extremely different, the relationship has no chance of survival.   You can’t change a person or make them see the value you possess.   You can’t change who you are as an individual without losing your fire. Some things are not negotiable.

As a submissive/slave – remain true to who you are.  The journey is long & sometimes hard especially when you are looking for that special person to spend the rest of your life with.   Continue to be picky, don’t believe you can settle for x, y, or z; you will be extremely sorry. There is plenty of other men in the sea & the majority of those men aren’t racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, or homophobic.

PS:  No, we definitely will not be seeing each other again.