Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

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What feels right in your soul…..late night ramblings

What sits or feels right in your soul?    Are you willing to pay a high cost for love?  Are you willing to over look potential flaws in a person for the sake of being with someone?  Are you willing to chase the person you desire in order to make them yours?  Are you willing to accept things that don’t sit well in your soul for the sake of your relationship or even potential relationship?

Desire, lust, and extreme like are all wonderful things when getting to know a person.  The hormones are flowing.  They are the most wonder person ever who is “so different” than the last person you were with.  And then a couple weeks, months, or even years roll by.   We start to notice the annoying things or they something out of left field that leaves you shook.  What the hell do you do then???

You know going to bathroom and leaving the toilet seat up is one thing or even hanging the toilet paper the wrong way is a flaw but I can over look that cause you gotta pee too.  However, leaving me full of doubt, insulting my friends/family, insulting me, physically abusing me (for the average slow Joe, there is a huge difference between consensual BDSM and abuse), or psychologically damaging me because you can are an absolute fuck no!!

“If you are entering into a relationship with another person looking to change them, they are going to resent you for it in the long run.”  My therapist told me that and I found out from both perspectives over time that is the most accurate statement known to man.  We should accept a person for who they are in the beginning but we have hope.  Sometimes we believe we are the person who can change their life.   Here me when I say this because it has taken a few months to sink in for me:  “A person will NOT change until they are ready to make a change.”  Read that sentence again, read it slow.  Let that marinate in your mind.

When a person is ready to meet you half way, they will do it.   When you are a ready to meet a person half way, you will do it.  If you want to change, do it for you.   Trying to adapt to someone else’s belief or ideal of what you should be is a disaster waiting to happen.

We try and push for guys to like us, go out with us, hell accept us in the skin we are in because damn it do you know how scary it is in this world to stand up and say, “I love myself the way I am.”  No addendum.  No apology.  We need to listen to our inner self more.  We need to be better at setting boundaries and walking away from things that don’t serve us anymore.  Or how about this novel concept?   Finding a partner who loves all the pieces and shards of glass that make us who we are today.  Accepting some of our flaws, but knowing when to walk away from behavior, thoughts, and actions that don’t line up with what we want.    Late night ramblings………….

Uncertainty and wanting substance

My interest in kink has dwindled over the past few weeks, yet I know I am in total need of a reset.  I need a beating like yesterday to calm my nerves & make me not as bitchy or sensitive as I have been lately.

Why has my interest in kink sort of tapered off?  I am not really sure.  My work schedule is crazy & it is hard keeping up with dates of kink events on my calendar along with fitting in workout dates, preparing for a competition, and dealing with a decline in energy.  I find myself sleeping more than normal lately.

My role as a submissive/masochist doesn’t bother me but once in a great while I can’t help but wonder: do my sexual needs prevent me from finding the right partner for me?  Not only do I want a man who is intelligent, has a wicked sense of humor, is affectionate, secure, and understands some days I need to be held and other days I just need a moment to cry without you necessarily fixing it, but I also want one who is dominant, knows the difference between being a dominant & a dominate, sadistic, but also possessive and loving.  I feel like the movie Singles when Bridget Fonda said her dating list was scaled down to “someone to say bless you when I sneeze.”  – Sidenote: If you haven’t seen that movie, please do! It’s an awesome 90’s movie I have owned in VHS and now DVD.

Maybe the stars have aligned and heard my cries because I have had a few incidents of guys wanting to ask me out or declare the attraction to me.  However, I am talking with a guy I met on kinky social website who decided to strike up a conversation with me.   We have talked for a week or so & though we have talked everyday, multiple times a day, I feel like he isn’t saying anything of substance.  You want me to open up but I am careful with opening up to people regardless (probably why I have been pegged as a bitch by many) of interest.  I will talk about main/important things, but I am not laying out my entire life story for you in a week.   I do want to get into the dirt & raw grit of a person but that happens over time, not in a day or week.   What keeps you up at night?   What drives you personally and professionally?   What are you looking for long term in a relationship?   What is one event that helped shaped who you are today?  Questions like that.  It’s nice to be told I am sexy and beautiful.  But what else do you know about me besides my kinks and you want to slide your penis inside of my vagina?

Overly complimentary has never won me over.    However, let’s not confuse this with I pick great sensitive men either.   Nope I pick men other people probably deem an asshole – but then that always made wonder what in the hell does that say about me.  They mean what they say & when they give me a compliment, it is truly heartfelt and meaningful.  Usually, they are an asshole to others, but very protective of me.  Anyway,  I should be ecstatic that this guy wants go to dinner and talk but I am not over the moon.  Talking doesn’t mean having your face between my legs after dinner.  Maybe I am not being as open as I could be because the vibe isn’t right.  It could also be because I still have lingering feelings for another who has missed his chance due to just not acting on it.   Maybe I am just unsure of what I need or desire anymore.   Maybe my tolerance for BS is at an all time low.   *sigh* I just want to get to know someone where things don’t feel forced.

Breaking a cardinal rule usually leads to moments of insecurity

If you read my previous post, you know I decided to be brave for twenty seconds & send a message to the guy I have a crush on which lead to us exchanging numbers & us both expressing the desire to hang out together.  YAY!!!!    So let’s start with some truths on how I feel & why this isn’t going exactly as I envisioned.

Truth: I really like this man & desire to get to know more about him.  It’s been ages since a man has caught my attention in a way that learning more about him supersedes the idea of having a sexual/physical relationship with him.

Truth:  I have been told I’m really an amazing woman & any man would be lucky to have me as his, however what most people don’t realize is if I truly like a guy I turn from a seductive, flirtatious woman into the most lovable, but adorkable woman ever cause you know I’m kind of nerdy.

Truth:  I broke my own cardinal rule – never date or pursue an individual you work with because you don’t need those kind of problems when trying to earn your paycheck.

We have had a few conversations via text and have learned some things about each other.   We don’t make it obvious we are trying to develop a friendship outside of work.   However, there are a couple of things that are bothering me: (1) I’m the person who has to initiate conversation.   He responds back and will chat for hours with me but I feel like I am chasing him & that isn’t exactly something I find sexy.   (2) He hasn’t asked me out for coffee, dinner, lunch, nothing.  I am not trying to rush him, but at the same time you can’t get to really know a person if you don’t engage in some form or fashion.

Officially I have decided not to text him first anymore.   I want to know what your interest level really is.   I don’t think men go through the effort of making a gift on the fly for just anyone.   And I am trying very hard to not go to a place of self criticism or self blame.   But it is hard not to think – is it me?   Did I say something offensive and wasn’t aware of it?  Did I miss read your intentions & you just desire to be friends only?   Are you not physically or sexually attracted to me?  Is it because I am chubby, tall, or awkward?

Maybe self criticism/blame is easiest for me because of asshole guys I have dated in the past who made me think I was too much.  I was awkward, I was desirable but only if it wasn’t well known they liked me, I was too demanding, I had too many rules/standards, or some other bullshit excuse of why I was the problem.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of a potential relationship working out.  I have a fear that no matter how long I am with a person eventually they are going to leave me.   Perhaps it stems from my childhood issues with my father.  Perhaps it is because I have given the best of myself to some guys who didn’t appreciate me & left me for what they believed to be greener pastures (only to try to return later on).

*takes a breath*  I am trying to remain calm, cool, & collected. I am trying to remember that I actually took a chance on someone I really liked & if it doesn’t work out how I hoped, I don’t have to wonder what could have been.   *grumbles*  See this is why you don’t express interest in people you work with.   This situation has me completely out of my comfort zone.

 

Sometimes you just need to be brave for 20 seconds…..

Recently I celebrated my birthday & I wasn’t really expecting much from the day.   Another year older & perhaps another year wiser.   I had to work for part of my birthday which doesn’t bother me.   I was sitting at the desk when the man I have had a crush on for months walked in.   He said hi, handled official business, and then stopped to hold an actually, long conversation with me.

We talked about our lives & what it is like to date now versus when we were growing up.   He isn’t looking for a hook up.  This is a man I haven’t encountered in a long while.  One who appreciates the art of dating.  He wants coffee dates where you discuss life and family, he wants to go to dinner & movies.  He doesn’t believe in kissing a girl til after a few dates.  He wants to actually learn about the person.   I didn’t think it was possible to be even more smitten with this man but I was so wrong.  I told him it was my birthday & he wished me a happy one.  It also gave him a chance to ask how old I was & me to ask him in return – we are in the right age bracket for dating each other.   Our conversation was going well & we both had forgotten about work until his phone rang with an emergency call & he had to leave suddenly.

*sigh*  I had to go check on a few things and started working again myself.  I returned to my area to see a gift on the desk.   It was wrapped and decorated.   I kind of looked around at my co-workers and asked which one of you did this?   Everyone said, wasn’t me.  Inside I knew who it was but I just couldn’t believe it.   Then I saw the notes & candy.   Not only are you a good man. You are creative and thoughtful.   I was speechless and all I could do was smile.   I sent him a message thanking him for the gift.

Throughout the night I kept thinking of taking the chance and giving him my number along with a sweet message.   I typed a message and would just close my screen on my phone.  All sorts of things went through my mind:  what if I am misreading his signals?  What if he isn’t interested? What if he is just being nice?   What happens if he says no?    After a while I was sitting there looking at the gift, smiling, looked at the message I typed, took a breath, & hit send.   And I immediately became nauseous.  What the hell did I just do?   I am not that girl.  I am not that brave.   This is not like me to act this way towards a guy I really like.  He’s gonna say no & laugh at me.   (Yes, I am a drama queen of worse case scenario).

An hour later I received a message & once again I was speechless.  He is interested and would love to go out sometime.  We exchanged numbers and I am so glad he isn’t standing in front of me because I am smiling so hard and blushing.   I was brave for 20 seconds, took a chance & it went better than expected. I am excited to hang out with him and get to know him better. I don’t know if he is kinky & honestly I don’t think I care.   But those are discussions we will have down the road.   Maybe he will turn out to be a great friend or perhaps so much more.  All I know is I have to remember how to officially date & wait.   After that, the day just got better and better.  If this is any indication of my year, it is going to be one amazing  year for sure.  Now, I have to go wipe this stupid grin off my face.

Growth, transition, and learning how to be patient

“She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another.”

Growth & change are inevitable things.  Well, that isn’t completely true change will always occur however it is up to you whether or not you decide to grow from those changes.   My world has been undergoing change ever since I left Texas about five months ago.   I underestimated the toll that returning home would present to me professionally, financially, emotionally, and even relationship wise.   Change doesn’t come without a price.

Transitioning from living on my own, traveling across the country, picking my own work schedule, & learning about different cultures to returning back to your hometown, working at a smaller, slower paced hospital than usual, & moving back in with your parent isn’t something one can adjust to overnight or apparently in a couple of months. Finding a job was more challenging than expected which meant being out of work for a couple months which essentially almost drained my savings account cause the bills gotta get paid.   My travel job also came with negatives like leaving me with a housing bill twice because of early cancelled contracts meaning being stuck with a bill over $6,000 in housing cost.  Being without health insurance which luckily my normal prescriptions out of pocket didn’t cost a fortune.   And having to maintain a positive attitude without breaking down emotionally because I got shit to handle.   I think over the past couple of weeks things I haven’t given myself a chance to process started hitting me out of nowhere.   Failed new work situation.  Failed relationships both romantic and non-romantic.  And ultimately feeling like you have failed somewhere in the game of life.

I remember months ago, I received a psychic reading because I had no clue where things were going in my life & honestly I didn’t really know what I was going to do.  Truth, I receive a psychic reading every year from a person who has always been incredibly accurate which is scary.   She warned me that the next six months or so was going to be time of discomfort for me because of the amount of changes that will occur.   She always warned me that I was going to be frustrated because I would feel like I am taking two steps forward only to fall four steps back.    And she is right. I have had moments of frustration and anger.   Moments where I think I should have found a permanent job in Texas.   Maybe I should have taken crazy man up on his offer to be his personal slave & my only responsibility would be to take care of him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have believed I was good enough to work anywhere in the country without issues.   And in those moments all I want to do is stomp my foot like a petulant child and scream THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!

*takes a deep breath*  Life isn’t fair.  At this point, I am just trying to focus on some of the the things that was addressed to me months ago when she gave me this reading.   The first thing is to look forward, don’t look back.  This is more difficult than one would imagine.   I am a fixer.  I like completion.  I don’t like feeling like I left loose ends or didn’t finish something with amazing results.   However, hindsight is 20/20 and living life with could have, should have or would have has no real bearing on today.   Letting go of the past is difficult but I have to remember not everything is completed to my liking. Sometimes situations fall apart to redirect your path to something better.

The second thing was personal responsibility.   I have some wonderful personality traits, but I also possess some questionable ones.  I am stubborn, resistant to change, like things a certain way, & am opinionated.  I am not afraid of standing up to anyone, even those people who are in a position over me.  Majority of the time that works in my favor & other times not so much.  I accept the consequences of my actions and don’t blame others but perhaps I could be more flexible to change & not so stubborn.  I am opinionated but not to the point that you can’t change my mind if you make a valid argument.   I don’t ever want to play the blame game.   I know that some situations are out of my control, but I need to almost remember how I react to a situation is key.   I must maintain my composure & not be opposed to receiving correction.   I won’t ever be a girl who won’t rock the boat, but sometimes delivery and tone is everything.   Some days I am better at that than others.   What can I say, even after all these years I am still a work in progress.

Lastly, look to the future.  Use this period of transition to truly examine what I want & need.   What would I like to accomplish?   What is truly deserving of my time & energy? How can I push forward to make better choices in terms of career and relationships?  Those answers are not cut and dry.  I am beginning to make moves and carefully planning out certain situations.   I hope that throughout everything that has occurred in the past few months a few things ring louder than anything else which is my heart, my integrity, my ability to work hard, and above all things my reputation for doing what is right.

However, I get impatient.  I sometimes grow weary of feeling like I am continually playing catch up, but I also have to stop comparing my story to others.  My life journey will always be different than others.  I celebrate my friends success and adventures because I never wanna see anyone I love fail.  I wanna see them soar & achieve their heart’s desire.  I wanna see them be in great relationships, find amazing careers, step out on limbs and accomplish their goals.  However, I don’t wanna feel like I am not being great either or let others down.   And that is something I have to learn to get over.  No one placing the expectations of x, y, or z on myself except for myself.   I am not losing out on anything.  Sometimes life takes you on a path that is completely unexpected in order to give you something far more beautiful than you could have ever imagined.  I just hope I am working towards something more than I could have ever envisioned on my own. Things don’t just fall apart without something greater coming together.

 

Are you willing to pay the ultimate price for love?

“Because if we’re going to go through this shit, it should be for a purpose. Right? Do we not love to be loved? Or have women like me mastered the art of being starter relation/situationships? Do we provide men like you with everything necessary to become the men you want to be—without us? Is that how this works? Who made these rules? I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way.I’m glad you’ve grown and are finding your way. But how am I supposed to celebrate growth that happened at my expense? What am I to make of a strength, nourished by food I cooked and dreams I fed, that I’ll never experience? There are far too many of us doing the emotional labor of birthing men we’ll never get to have and hold.”

In the name of love, we go above and beyond.   As a woman, it’s almost ingrained in us that our job is to sacrifice in order to help your significant other excel.  If you worked hard to further your education & then excel in your chosen career field, you are expected to give up your career, stay home, raise the children, & take care of your husband’s needs in the name of love & family.   You strive to always look physically attractive for your mate.   You need to support his dreams and goals.  You must learn to enjoy what he likes.    And many of us almost break our fucking necks trying to live up to what you believe his expectations are whether real or imaginary.

Ultimate sacrifices in the name of love usually comes at high cost.   Throughout the relationship, you are supporting his dream & goals while slowly letting go of your dreams & goals.  Forgoing advancement in your career & trading it all in for housewife status means becoming financial dependent on this person.  You are no longer expected to engage in intellectual conversations because housewives are only allowed to speak about diaper genies or some husbands want you to be seen only.   You walk on eggshells hoping not to arouse his frustration or anger, while sweating your ass off in the gym & then making sure your hair is just right in order to maintain your level of attractiveness to your mate.

Yet men can let themselves go physically, are congratulated on their drive & determination towards advancing in their careers, follow their dreams, & are seen as the only leaders of the household.    However, women are their cheerleaders, supporters, nurturers, & stepping stones & their love, efforts, and support are graciously rewarded either with infidelity, divorce, heartache, dismissal, or being traded for a piece of arm candy now that they have arrived either physically, financially, or emotionally.

I, unfortunately, know all about this sacrifice.   I know what it is like to continually put in work on a relationship where you are undervalued, unappreciated, & traded for a more acceptable model.   I know what it means to fight for someone because you feel obligated & like a failure for giving up on that person.   Because good women don’t give up on their man when the going get’s tough.  You dig your heels in and start fighting harder.  Right?   Because at no point is it acceptable to consider your own self respect, self worth, or self value, right?   We aren’t allowed to have boundaries, limits, and expectations.   We aren’t allowed to desire to be loved in return when we have loved you all along the way.   Because as women we are taught to be martyrs.  We are pushed to believe we aren’t complete without having someone in our life.  We are tricked into believing our self worth comes from the approval of others.  We are taught putting ourselves first is selfish, bitchy behavior.   Yet, men are continually praised and encourage to pursue these behaviors, thoughts, and needs.  So what do we get in return for so much?

“Depression. Suicidal ideation. Substance abuse. Retail therapy and maxed credit cards. Entertaining {men} we don’t even like just to feel wanted. So many forms of self-harm. We pay with our bodies. Sometimes our lives. And even in that trauma, we still find ways to sow deeper into the love we have for you, hoping it will get better. We cry out to God and give in to you. Our legs wrapped around your waist, praying yours don’t walk out of our lives. And then…when you’re done…we painfully watch you leave.”
I can honestly say when I was younger, I gave my all to one man because we told each other we loved each other. I knew I wanted to make this relationship work because he was the man I wanted to marry.   I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.   I didn’t see the warning signs that this relationship would be toxic.  I accepted his cheating ways & behavior of other relationships because I never expected to find a man that would find me sexually attractive.  I never thought I would be with a man who loved me despite being a fat, chocolate girl who had been told over the years she would never be good enough.   And definitely, not catch the attention of a man who I found attractive as well.   I had found my person & any sacrifice would be worth it, right?   Cause I should just be lucky to find a man who liked me since I didn’t live up to the standards of American beauty.

What did that sacrifice & lack of self worth buy me?  I gained weight, stressed about every little thing I did, weighed every thing I said, & eventually became a neurotic, insecure, emotionally spent woman.   I paid the ultimate price in the name of love despite doing the things expected of a fantastic girlfriend:  I supported his dreams & aspirations, I was sexually open, I tried to maintain some level of physical attractiveness,  I worked hard to not elicit his anger or make him frustrated.  My love, strength, and encouragement was rebuked not once, not twice, but three times.  Off & on, I spent 11 years seeking validation of my love only to be rewarded with an insufficient funds notice on my emotional investment.  And that feeling still lies dormant in my soul like a rotting plaque just waiting for the most inopportune time to flare up and cause me weakness and pain even today.

Yet, this person who is currently on his second marriage, is more confident than ever, a calmer soul, & 17 years later still emails, text, and calls because he still views me as his girl in some ways and a great friend.  The man who has committed to giving his all to another, but can just know without hearing my voice the mood I am in.  The person who still battles with his emotions when it comes to me, but couldn’t meet me even half way.  The person who has a partner who supports his all & has won the game of relationship roulette.  Sacrifices come at a cost for all involved. While my cost have been higher than I would like, others have paid financially, emotionally, mentally, &/or with their lives.   When are we going to start putting a higher market value on ourselves & not give ourselves away so cheaply.

Quotes from a writing blog by Carmen Benbow:  full article here – you should give it a read http://www.candicebenbow.com/blog/443  & PS: I know that all men are not like this!