Late Night Ramblings

I haven’t allowed myself the opportunity to write in the past few weeks.  However, life has just seemed busy lately.  People I know and love getting sick.  Work increasing chaotic.   It seems like the days are escaping me faster and faster.  Something about this time of year seems to kick everything into high gear.   It is a time of change in a multitude of ways.

 

It feels like I am on an endless cycle of trying to catch up with friends & not being able to do it.    I am itching for a change of some kind but I am not sure what that would be.   I want to get away from bedside nursing, but I am not really sure which avenue to approach to make that happen.   I want to focus more on my fitness & health.   I want to build a family & not focus so much on my career.  I want to enjoy days traveling.   I want less stress.   I want people I care for to stop being sick.

 

*sigh*   I have four days off to somewhat relax but that isn’t going to happen cause I have to go into work on one of my off days so I can do some paperwork and mandatory education.   I have other errands and task that need to be completed but we will see if that gets done.

The other day was a stressful at work.   I left work almost an hour late.  I felt like I could have been there longer to be with my patient who was truly sick.   I called and update the family that their love one was in critical condition & they needed to come to the hospital.   I felt crappy.  I left work.  Almost got into a car accident on the interstate which would have been my fault cause I was tired and didn’t see the person speeding up my blind spot at 100 mph.   My love called throughout the morning to make sure I was okay.  I could hear the concern in his voice and relief when I finally was home in bed.   He tucked me in, said he loved me, don’t even think about going to the gym I need to rest, and then told me to go the fuck to sleep.  I attempted to argue which got me nowhere.   In typical fashion, he was right – I slept for almost 9 hrs.    I needed to rest.   I also still need a change, but that will come soon enough I suppose.

My Sir has reminds me time and time again that I am capable of achieving anything.   He tells me it won’t be like this always.   And I laugh at this because he is stronger than I am mentally.   He has worked almost everyday in a row for three months straight.   He is tired, but somehow makes it & continues to push through.  He has more stress on his shoulders than the average person.   He still makes things happen.   And I remind him that, it won’t always be this way for him.   We are going to make it better some how!!

 

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Love apparently finds you when you aren’t looking

I don’t know.  He polyamorous & married.  I want someone monogamous & single.  He isn’t my normal type.  He is so brash & outspoken.  He is definitely a redneck country boy.  Lord have mercy his past is so wild.  We can’t last.  We are so different.  Just say no.   Fuck why is it so hard to say no?  Why can’t my gut and head agree.  Grrrr…… 

Welcome to the inner workings of my brain.  When my boyfriend and Dominant asked me to enter into a relationship with him I was uncertain of being with him.  The thoughts above are things I wrestled within my head for weeks.   Yet, when I was around him.  He made me feel at ease.   It was like we had known each other before.  We talked for hours.  However, he didn’t meet the checklist I had.  I was upfront & honest with him about that cause I am sometimes brutal that way.  However, he was consistent, persistent, & charming.  He immediately knew I was the girl he had been looking for.  He was clear about his wants & desires upfront.  However, he never pushed me to make a decision.  He gave me time to come to my own conclusion of if this was something I was willing to pursue.   My intentions were to say no, however my gut kept screaming at me to give him a chance.  The feeling was so overwhelming I finally decided to give in & see where this relationship might lead. Four months & counting, we are still together.

After being single for a little while, it took me some time to adjust to having a boyfriend & Dominant.  Some days I wanna debate a rule because I want my way.  Luckily, I have a guy who encourages my spunky side.  Sometimes forget my rules or to ask permission for I decide to do certain things.  I still fight my enforced bed time & workout rules for when I have to work (I’m not allowed).   Through all of these things, we manage these hiccups as they occur.   Because of our open communication, we are strongly connected physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.  However, there are moments I have to pause & go damn.  We are really in a real life relationship.   Yeah,  sometimes I am slow on the uptake.

So, the past few week he has been having issues with an employee of his at work.   He was telling me about it because it was stressing him all the way out.  He said, he handled the problem but corporate was going to have to call him later in the morning to discuss the issue.   He was nervous about that.   Then I was informed it was my bedtime because I had to work that night.  I didn’t think anything else of it.  I figured I would call him in the morning & discuss what happened.

Waking up about 15 minutes before my alarm, I am lying in bed when I see my phone ringing.  It’s my other half.   “Hey beautiful.  What you doing?”    He said I knew you should be getting up & I wanted to tell you what happened.  He informed me about the outcome & it was a positive one in his favor.  And we were just talking & laughing before I had to actually get ready for work. Then BAM it hit while we were laughing & discussing what was happening.  We are a regular, everyday couple.  I matter to him.  He desires to share his life with me good, bad, or indifferent.  When things happen, I am one of the top people he wants to call & tell what happened.  He really does love me.  And yes, I really love him as well.

It was this moment that other things came rushing to the forefront of my mind while he was talking.   How he always reminds me I am beautiful.  How he calls me on my bullshit when I need it.   How he cares for me & looks out for me.   How he makes time for me even when his schedule is busy.  How much he misses me when we are apart.  And how he loves to annoy me & pick at me because that is one of the ways he shows his affection.

So, what have I learned?   Sometimes the person who will love you the most doesn’t exactly fit all the boxes you desire.  It is important to listen to your gut.   It is important to find a person who values you in ways you never imagined.  Love apparently finds you when you aren’t looking.

Are you strong enough to take a risk & fail?

Welcome to 2018.  Most people are making resolutions on how they are going to lose weight, travel, invest, etc.   However, we are coming towards the end of January & most people have tossed their resolutions aside.   A few days ago I was listening to one of my favorite podcast, Increase Your Impact by Justin Sua (highly recommended & they are usually less than 5 minutes).    The discussion involved taking risk.  For some reason this message hit a nerve within me.

Taking a risk involves change.   Change is uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes change is unknown.   Many people never take a risk in their life because of the fact change is uncomfortable.    We wait for the right time to move, have children, get married, change jobs, leave the bad relationship, etc.   However, what happens when we take the risk & it goes wrong?  We always envision when we take a leap of faith that things are going to be great.

I took a risk two years ago.  I gave up my stable job I wasn’t in love with anymore to go travel nurse.  I envisioned doing this for years.  Seeing the country from sea to shining sea while doing what I love.   My risk didn’t exactly pan out how I envisioned.  And to be honest, for the last year, I have quietly kept to myself the feelings of disappointment, bitterness, and anger I have had.   I will be honest.  I felt like God had abandoned me & sometimes I still feel that way.

Justin said something that hit me in a way I never imagined.   If you take a risk & it doesn’t work out, does that mean you failed?   The answer is no because you were brave enough to take a risk & follow your dreams.    Some people never do that.    I thought about it.

What did I lose?  I lost money.  My confidence in my abilities felt shaken.   I had to move in with my mother.   I don’t get the privacy I am use to having.   I lost my ability to be somewhere different every few months I chose.

What did I gain?  I have made some amazing friends that will be with my for a lifetime.  I got to live my dream & see it isn’t as easy as people make it seem even when you do the right thing.  I learned how to fail in a major way.   I realized I have an amazing support system of friends/family that love me whether I succeed or hit bumps in the road.  I am learning I can’t do it all.  I learned that my mother is my biggest cheerleader & I am forever grateful for her.  She is my rock when things look bleak.  She has the ability to make things look bright even when you feel low.  I also learned that my issues weren’t from ability to care for patients, but with competing against the machine of travel nursing (making money even if it means screwing the nurses caring for the patients.)   From California to Texas – I always had patients tell me they appreciated my care for them.

So did I fail?  Not really, sometimes a failure is setting you up for something greater.  Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to be a full time travel nurse.  Maybe this struggle is setting me up for something unexpected.  What I do know is I am slowly letting go of the baggage of this experience because it taught me so much.    Life can’t always be filled with successes.  Sometimes you have to take a risk & fail.

Two quotes that I continually look to are these.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett

Emotional scars & trusting he loves you & isn’t going anywhere

“I just want you, that’s all.  All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm, everything.  I just want you.”   

Sometimes that is a hard thing to believe.   Many of us have gotten married to someone after dating for months or years, invested time in a relationship with someone for years, or even opened up on multiple levels to people in a short amount of times because of the “energy” we felt then weeks, months, or even years later be dumped or divorced.

Embarking on a new relationship is sometimes a difficult because many of us have endured violations of trust, suffered with a partner who emotionally or physically abused us, or stuck it out in a bad relationship where you were mad disrespected all for the sake of love or having someone by our sides who promised to love us good, bad, and ugly.

Emotional scars, as I like to call them, are a very real thing.   I have seen friends try to rebuild their life after being married for years to someone who decided to leave because they no longer loved that person.   I have seen people emotionally shut down for months because a relationship hurt them some badly that getting out of bed was a struggle.   Years ago I was hurt so badly at the end of my relationship that I contemplated driving my car off a bridge and ending my life because the pain felt so unbearable.

So fast forward & rewind to yesterday, the Mister called me once I woke up.   We were talking about his day & I was telling him about my night at work.  Suddenly, out of the blue he asked “what’s going in that pretty mind of yours.”   My answer was the standard when caught off guard with that question – “nothing”.    I should know better – he sees me.  He knows when I am thinking & hiding my thoughts from him.  {Though if I am 100% honest, it isn’t that hard.  Once you know me, I am like a book cause my emotions register across my face & in my voice.}  He called bullshit & basically said I don’t know why you don’t trust me enough to tell me what you are feeling inside.

*sigh, crap!*  It isn’t that I don’t trust him to tell him what I am feeling inside, it is just that sometimes I am having an emotionally crazy moment that I recognize as crazy & don’t feel the need to burden you with all that.  Yesterday, I was just hit with a wave of negative thoughts:   When he is going to stop loving me?   When is he going to get tired of me?   When is he going to leave me for someone better, someone prettier, etc?   When will I be too much?  When will I not be enough?  When will he walk away from me?

I wasn’t going to share those thoughts because I know they were irrational.   And then that would lead to the follow up questions of:  where is this coming from?  are you doubting this relationship?   are you doubting me?   My immediate answer would be no, however that’s what it would be.   Technicalities aren’t a thing in this relationship.  And the truth is I am not doubting us.  It is my insecurities screaming because we actually are a good match for each other in so many ways that I am fear the “shiny” & “new” is going to wear off & he is going to be like I don’t wanna be with you any more or I won’t be as important.   Ugh, I know foolish thoughts especially since I know he isn’t one to sugar coat how he feels.  He doesn’t always share but if he didn’t love me then he would let me know immediately.   And above all that, he shows me everyday he cares not only with his words, but with his actions as well.

We both a busy with different things in our lives, but he has more pressures & responsibilities on his plate than I do.  He is my only relationship.  I don’t date others nor am I allowed which is totally cool because he is more than enough.  I work & am committed to working out/competing.  Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day.  However, he is married with children, works a job that requires more of him hours wise than necessary, he is working on starting his own business, he cares for his family members, and cares a lot of pressures on him.

I have always been concerned about him fitting me into his life because of all he has going on.  It was why I almost said, nope to dating him.  But he somehow makes it work.  He makes me feel super important.  If I am having a good or bad day, he is there.  If I need him to help me make a decision, he does.   He makes me a priority.  He looks out for my emotional and physical well-being.   “You aren’t a secret.  I consider you my second wife, you are my slave, & I sure the hell hope I make you happy.”   He isn’t going anywhere.   He isn’t planning on breaking my heart or spirit.   I have asked him a couple of time before, “what do you want?”  His answer is always the same: “I got it.  You.  All of you!”  Hey crazy side – he wants you.  Trust that. Believe him. *sigh*  Unpacking emotional scars and fully opening your heart is hard to do at times.

The art of compromise or why I feel like I am being punished

Compromise: an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by both sides making concessions

Theoretically, in a fairly healthy relationship you only get 80% of what you want – this is referred to as the 80/20 rule.   Meaning, you are going to have to compromise on some things.  I am actually a huge fan of compromising because both people get some thing they desire.   In an ideal world, most people would love to always get their way.  In reality, no one gets what they want 100% of the time, & if they do then the other party is either never going to be happy or their feelings on a situation are never taken under consideration.

My partner’s favorite quote is: “the word compromise isn’t in my vocabulary.  It’s either my way or the highway.”   He desires to open me up to new experiences & I am cool with this, except for one thing.  I don’t desire to perform oral sex on a woman nor do I want them to do it to me because I believe in returning favors & once again, I don’t wanna do that.

I don’t mind playing with a woman, kissing a woman, playing with a woman from the waist up, hell, I will even entertain the thought of a woman using a strap on – on me.  But, I don’t want that choice forced upon me.  I want to engage in that behavior of my own free will, not because it is someone’s expectation of me.   So, we have discussed this & he agreed we would not revisit this topic again until next year because I don’t wanna do it.   He was a little upset that he gave into what I wanted.  He said, “I must really love your ass because I never compromise.”

Fast forward almost 24 hrs later, somehow we got back on this topic & it was a huge debate.  We exchanged words.   “You knew what I wanted when we first got together.  I told you this is what I liked.”  And in all fairness, he did.   However, I had been up front since the first time we spoke that I didn’t want to do that.   I was honest about what I was looking for in a potential mate.  Hell, I even showed him my writing on it.  After a little while he decided that I needed to take some time to really think about if being in a relationship with him is what I wanted.

I was pissed the fuck off.   I have compromised for you.  I send the occasional naked photo and even let you video tape us having sex for the first time (don’t judge me people, I am the lady of pure filth for a reason), yet you can’t concede this one thing for me.   We weren’t even suppose to discuss this matter again until next year.

*takes a breath*  I know he said this was to give me a chance to think without him around, but it feels like I am being punished for not only sticking to my guns for what I didn’t want, but for getting him to actually compromise for me.   It also makes me feel you don’t love me as much as you say – you don’t leave a person alone for days.   You work through an issue with a person, you have to compromise for a relationship to work.  Maybe, I am asking too much of a person with a Dominant personality.   But, in my mind, this sets a bad precedent – if I don’t do what you want then you are going to leave me alone for a few days in hopes that my desire to be with you is stronger than sticking to what makes me comfortable for now.   You don’t get your way and then I am out.

*sigh*  I got some soul searching to do.   I need to weigh the options.  I need to listen to my heart.  I need to trust my feelings.   Yes, our connection is strong, but if you loved me like you say you do then you would be willing to meet me part of the way.   Maybe I am not enough.  Maybe I am too much.   All I know is by Thursday afternoon I better have an answer because I feel like no matter what I decide, I won’t be able to back out it.

Fear, commitment & I said what??

Commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. 

I can’t recall ever seeing a successful or healthy relationship growing up.  I didn’t understand what that consisted of & even now, I have a hard time believing a great relationship doesn’t have to include a lot of trauma and drama.   Many people think they know what it takes to be in a healthy, committed relationship but we fail because you are looking at the outer beauty of someone, what they can provide for us, will they fit into the box of expectations I hold, or simply because we don’t wanna be alone.

I am afraid of commitment.  It is official.  It means I know I am going to be held to certain expectations.  I know it means if I agree to be with you, damn it, I got to be with you good & bad times.   It means allowing myself to be vulnerable & seen.  Sometimes, I wear a tough veneer so people can’t see deep down inside I am a sensitive, teddy bear who just wants to be adored and accepted for who she is – flaws and all.

*sigh*  We have continued to talk, discuss, and grow closer together.  Almost a month of talking & dating is a short amount of time, but he makes me feel comfortable.  After much discussion, we decided we were going to meet privately so we could do as he said “whatever you are comfortable with.  It’s all your decision.”   That could include watching television, talking, or becoming intimate.  He decided we wouldn’t have a play session this first time.  He felt I didn’t need that right now.  I needed closeness, intimacy, and sexual connection.

*shakes head*  All up to me?   The idea of becoming intimate actually made me nervous.  I couldn’t put my finger on why.  He actual makes me feel comfortable.  It is like I have known him for years & he feels the same way.   When I arrived, I was actually calm.  I was happy to see his face.  He smiled at me & hugged me tight.  We talked, we laughed, we tried to watch television but the signal was out.   Then after a while, he sat down next to me.  We looked at each other & he asked me, “are you sure you want to do this?”  I smiled & said “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”

He kissed me & damn- we were touching, kissing, cuddling, & making love.   It was good. If I can laugh, tease, and enjoy looking at you while having amazing orgasms, it is a definite win for me.   Then the question was thrown down: “is this lust or something more?”  That question slapped me in the face.  I had teased a week earlier that I am sure this is just lust and nothing more because he said, “I think you are beginning to fall in love with me.”

Could this be love?   I wasn’t expecting this to develop into something.   I didn’t answer at first because fuck – if I answer one way I would be lying & if I told the truth I would have to own the other parts of that truth.   Once again, he is relentless so the question kept being repeated at times as his body was on top of mine & he was staring into my eyes with those baby blues.  I wasn’t getting out of this.   And in a moment of letting go I said the words I had been trying to avoid: “no, it isn’t lust.  It is falling in love.”  He replied as I expected, “I know” and kissed me hard.    Somewhere along the lines, I dropped my guard & committed without hesitation.   He let me know I was a taken woman – I had a Sir and a man (boyfriend).
So, later that night I stayed after a munch to talk with my girls.  We discussed all the things going on in our lives & I had to own the truth.   And I don’t know if it was what I said or the tone in my voice but one of them turns to me & says “you have a boyfriend” & the other “you have a Sir”.   And I panicked on the inside for a while.  I haven’t had either in a while.  I became committed & realized that is what I feared the most.  I am a lady with a significant other but how did this happen so fast & without me throwing multiple roadblocks down.   *stomps foot*

I had to deny this to be true because things don’t happen that easily for me.  They don’t just fall into place.   So, I talked to him throughout the day & even skipped my workout to spend time with him on the phone while he was working.   And we got into a heavy debate regarding this commitment & because he likes to antagonize me – “I like to see you get all defensive and mad.  It’s cute. *You can’t see it but I’m giving a lot of side eye*.”  He said that I would be willing to do anything he wanted & I said no.   We went back and forth until he threw truths in my face.  And I had to calm down & agree he may have a point.   He got that tone in his voice that I have only heard a few times, but I know he is being super serious: “I will go slow into trying anything with you.  I will never hurt you.  I already said I was going to open you up to trying new things & you already have done things you wouldn’t try before.   Baby, I am not going to leave you.  If anything, you would leave me first.  I am happy you are mine because we are going to explore a whole hell of a lot.”   Well, damn, how can I argue with that.   And then he said those words that made me curse because I felt it to – yes I said it back, though I did say them to him yesterday without fully realizing it.

So, guess I am someone’s significant other & submissive.  How did this happen so fast?  How did a potential no turn into a definite yes?   He earned me.  He said, “I knew you were mine after the first day we met.”  He didn’t check all my boxes, but he is consistent.  He makes me a priority.  He shows me I am adored.  He let’s me know I am cherished & beautiful.  He definitely doesn’t hide behind smoke & mirrors.  And he cares about me not only as a submissive, but as a woman.  He makes me smile; I am taking a chance & feel like I am a lucky girl!

 

If it takes you twenty years to make a decision, I will wait!

The answer hasn’t been a no.  I still haven’t really talked about him again with my friends except for a couple: one doesn’t care, she has stated her peace & her opinion is set – such is life.  The other is encouraging & said no matter what she will love me.  I was going to write him off, I am a jerk that way sometimes.  Thing about dominant men is this – if they really want you, they are fucking relentless.   He is tenacious in a good way.  He doesn’t push, but he doesn’t hide his intentions or desires.  He makes me want to punch him in the face at times because of how brutally honest he can be, but he also knows how to make me laugh.   I have expressed my concerns to him.   He not only listens, he understands, he hears me.  He also doesn’t push for me to make a decision.  He encourages me to take my time & see how it goes.  “If it takes you twenty years to make a decision then I will wait.”   What?   Who says that?  Who does that?  Are you insane?  You would honestly wait to be with me?   *blows imaginary hair piece out of face*

He text messages me every morning, except that one morning cause we were waiting to see who would text who first cause I said something sarcastic.  He is consistent.  He fits me into his schedule.  I hate that I can’t read him.  He keeps certain things close to the vest, but he also doesn’t hold back in letting me know – he wants to be with me & potentially for a lifetime (Once again, what?   Who says such things especially to me?).  He definitely gives me an enthusiastic fuck yes in wanting to be with me.

*stomps foot*   He also pisses me off because he is 100% honest not only about himself, but he is 100% in calling out my flaws as well as good points.  He is married, poly, and openly so.  There are no secrets.  There is no hiding.  His wife knows he wants me as his submissive and girlfriend.  She is cool with that as long as we are cool with that.   I wanna say no because you know list & things.   Plus I have done the poly thing before & it didn’t really work.   However, I am now in this potential boat with a guy who isn’t pushing me either way, but wants me.  We plan and God laughs.   Ironically, my gut feeling is to say yes.   I can’t explain why this is a yes.  It should be a no by all accounts.  But, he is hard working, compassionate, funny, & actual desires to know me.  He says it is all up to me.  When & what am I going to decide?  Will I listen to others or march to the beat of my own drum as always?   Will I keep this a secret or be open about it?  I have made some decisions in my mind, but making the final choice is scary either way.  What am I going to do??!!