Life’s a journey not a destination

*takes a deep breath & exhales*  Life has gotten incredibly busy in the last few weeks but I am not complaining. Things are beginning to take off in a positive direction in more ways than I could have imagined & I can only think they will get better.  This is going to be a random writing all over the place to get out a few things so……yeah!!

YAY for finally starting a new job & I am home.  Learning the ropes hasn’t been as difficult as I imagined but then again I always imagine things to be harder than what they really are.  The people have been nice but of course I am still learning many of them.  Rediscovering home has been exciting.  A lot can change in a year that’s for sure.  Do I miss Texas?  Of course I do.  However, life has taken me to this moment right now & I can’t live in the past.  I have to make new memories & live in the now.  Otherwise new opportunities are going to pass me by.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

My BDSM family makes the transition so much easier.  I am blessed in so many ways to know some amazing men & women who have grown closer to me than I ever imagined possible over the years.  Their hugs, laughter, positive energy, support, & guidance fill my soul.  It is nice to see them more often without having to say goodbye for months at a time.  My girls/sisters, my family, & friends allow me the freedom to be myself without explanation & they can be themselves without explanation or judgment.

On the submissive/slave front I have been asking myself questions & not really coming to any definitive answers. What do I expect out of a D/s or M/s relationship?  What do I bring to the table for a potential Dominant?  Do I want a Dominant controlling every aspect of my life?   How can you distinguish a person interested in knowing me versus a person viewing me as a fetish?  How do I honestly feel about raceplay?   Perhaps one day I will sit down & honestly answer those questions.  All I do know is that lately I keep thinking about two different men who have affected my life in ways I never imagined. Both caused various levels of distress in my life so bad I honestly don’t know what I would do if I saw either one man again.

Both men made question my submission in very different ways.  Both have made me question myself in terms of being a good slave.   I use to believe I wanted to be a slave for the right person but both people were wrong for me & in turn broke a piece of my slave heart with their actions.  One made me question the integrity of someone claiming to be Dominant.  The other just showed me how some dynamics can go from loving to abusive.   *sigh*  Perhaps another day I can write about this & lay all my feelings on the table good, bad, & shameful.

Today I saw an old acquaintance from middle school.  He hasn’t changed a bit in two decades.  He is still a very attractive man who has amazing charisma & a beautiful smile.  Two decades later I am still paling in comparison in terms of looks & grace.  We use to run into each other occasionally in our early teens and twenties.  And I somehow always managed to be looking my absolute worse.  Disheveled hair, no make up, pimple, plain Jane clothing, etc.  He always appeared put to together.   In middle school I had friends but I never quite fit in either.  I was different.  I wasn’t black enough.  I wasn’t thin enough.  I wasn’t short enough.  I had too many white friends.  I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect in some people’s eyes.  I was smart but that’s all I got credit for.  Lol, in middle school he swears we dated & then I got dumped for the head cheerleader of our class.  And that heifer still hates me today.  I ran into her years ago & decided to be cordial.   She looked at me & said, “I knew who you were I just didn’t want to speak to you.”   Apparently, she hated me for dating him & just being alive.

So fast forward to today – I am in my scrubs (not even the flattering pair) with no makeup, hair a complete mess & in need of washing, basically looking very meh.  Surprisingly something amazing happened – I didn’t care.  He called my name & recognized me immediately.  We hugged.  Exchanged pleasantries & carried about our lives.    I may never be the girl who has it all together.  I may occasionally look disheveled & less than beautiful but the older I have gotten the more I have learned to accept myself flaws & all.   I have also learned that not everyone is going to celebrate you. And you don’t have to conform to what society wants in order to be someone of value.  I am always going to be different.  I will always be the girl who loves Ludacris to Faith Hill.   I am always going to be the girl who is semi clumsy.  I will always be the girl who looks like a bitch when she isn’t smiling.  And I am always going to be the girl who has at least three people she knows of who hates her.  And slowly I have learned that is perfectly alright.

 

Fighting storms & remembering where you left your sword.

If you have ever been in a hurricane, you know the feeling of anticipation.  Trying to prepare, watching & waiting for this force of nature to make landfall but never exactly sure where it will fall or the exact time.  Usually there is an eerie calm before the storm.  This explains my emotional state the past few weeks.  Eerily calm then suddenly the winds and rains start coming in.  The feelings of anger, frustration, and anguish hitting me emotionally in places I didn’t know was possible & in the wake I survey the destruction.   The energetic power cord knocked out of service.  The strong self confidence within myself snapped like a tree.

Being in a state of purgatory isn’t exactly my idea of fun.  As the days roll on you start to have a little bit of your soul chiseled away.  Piece by piece until you have an unstable material in front of you.  The inability to hear your own voice but rather the voices of everyone else around you. The inability to truly lean on someone else because we all got problems.   The inability to remain calm & fluid because you feel like time is ticking away & you are taking multiple steps back.   And just when you think the dark, cold, bleakness can’t take you down another level – you start hearing the words of an asshole echoing in your ears.

“You were never meant to have responsibilities.”  

“Your place is to serve & be pleasing for your owner.” ”

“Inferior cunts need to stop changing the way society is meant to be.”

“My job is to pay the bills.  Your job is to just serve me.”

Taunting me, laughing at my situation, reminding me as a submissive/slave woman how dare I try to be more than an object of pleasure & service.  Constant jabs & slaps to already fragile ego within at the moment.  And in this moment, I want to lay down my sword & shield.  I no longer want to fight.  Maybe I should accept the fate someone thinks is becoming of me.  An owned slave in service to the man who decides to keep me as his.  No rights or responsibilities.  No need to think outside of does he want chicken or fish for dinner tonight.   Pushing a vacuum yes; pushing my intellectual capabilities – goodness no.  A beautiful fuck toy who knows how to clean, cook, and do as she is told with a smile on her face.

A temporary moment to forget my issues would be lovely.  A stern hand that speaks to the masochist/submissive/woman within.  Guiding a whip through the air to gently & harshly kiss my skin all over. My body being used roughly & without mercy.  Consensually being pushed to my limits until my brain resets & my body gives way to the pleasure & pain it seeks.  Then to be held & allowed to be weak for just a few moments.  Then to be reminded – YOU dear woman are a motherfucking warrior.  Yep, you are bruised and wounded but you don’t get to quit.  You don’t get to give up.  And with that, I get a lovely pat on the ass & am told to pick up my sword and shield cause your journey is far from over.

I don’t have anyone to reset me the way I would like at the moment so I have to pull confidence and will to fight from within myself.    Because giving up & giving in has never been an option.

Pick up your sword & shield woman & fight!!!

 

Can you overcome the cardinal sin of speaking up for yourself?

“If you aren’t failing every now & again.  It’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”   However, I have been paralyzed in a state of fear this past month.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of going back to work.  Fear of traveling for my job.  Fear that I made the wrong choice in deciding to pursue my goal of travel nursing.

As a full time staff nurse & as a travel nurse, I very rarely got into trouble.   However the expectations of a travel nurse are different.   Every nurse on the planet has had a confrontation with a patient or family member.  Yet as a travel nurse those are grounds for dismissal.  Staff treating you poorly & actively participating in hazing -you are suppose to smile, accept your shitty assignments, accept the crappy treatment, and be thankful you are working in this hell.   You are expected to put up with obnoxious, rude behavior from patients, family members, or staff.  And the ultimate cardinal sin is speaking up for yourself & protecting your own license.

Fear these past few weeks have consumed me because I committed the ultimate cardinal sin.   My assignment ended early because I am not into being abused by patients & apparently speaking up for yourself is a bad thing.   I don’t regret that decision.  I will always stand up for myself.  Are there lessons I can take away from this situation? Absolutely.  For now, I don’t wanna work nor bang on the drum all day.   Unless it was pressing, I have stayed home in my pajamas, slept, & hid from making a decision.  I also have joked about being a kept woman at home but you need a man for that first.  Clinically I am strong & always believe I have room for improvement.  I am compassionate & firm.  And I actually give a damn about my patients.  I want to know their stories.  Sometimes time and acuity doesn’t allow for that but I try.  I am not perfect, sorry, I am just a human being who like everyone else in the world.  However, why should I continue to give my best when it seems those things don’t matter.  It seems as though keeping your head down, making sure your are popular, & improving profit margins are all that matter.

Honestly, I could have been placed at another facility weeks ago but just have enjoyed being home with my family & friends.  I could have accepted a position an hour away but in my heart it just didn’t feel right.  And apparently close to home, I am overqualified for many full time positions and various nurse managers feel like I would be bored working for their facility.  Sometimes you can’t win.

How do you continue on a journey when you have been kicked multiple times?  How do you continue to believe in doing the right thing when it gets you in trouble?   I am a God fearing woman so I believe in grace, forgiveness, & trying not to live your life in fear.  God doesn’t let you suffer without a purpose.  I am trying to walk in the light of forgiveness & grace.  But sometimes it is hard.  The bumps, bruises, and cuts hurt especially when you know you have been done wrong & those who know you, work beside you, and support you also know you have been done dirty.

A full time position at home doesn’t look like it is going to pan out.  Traveling looks like it will be a necessary evil.  Yet, I am so scared to drive thousands of miles only from home to have to work in unsafe conditions, endure nurse on nurse hazing, not be supported by hospital administration, &/or have my work cancelled early because people want to lie and take pride in getting others to quit or have their contract terminated early.  Life is a journey & perhaps my friend is right.  “The trials you are going through right now aren’t even about you. They are to help someone in life.

They are a testimony to something far greater than you imagined.”   I hope he is right.   Now, if only I could look into a crystal ball & see what the future holds.

Sidenote of topic:  Let me clarify something.  I absolutely love what I do.  Healthcare is one of the few professions that rewards you in so many ways.  It teaches you something new medically & personally everyday.   However, in my opinion patient satisfaction scores has undermined healthcare professionals & is attempting to turn hospitals into hotels with trained people for your illnesses.  Where are the protections for healthcare providers?  I have been physically assaulted (punched, kicked, shoved, slapped), verbally threatened, called racial slurs, sexually harassed, & lied on.  I have endure nurse on nurse hazing. Worked with patient ratios that could have ended badly. And failed to be supported by hospital administrators or managers because patient satisfaction scores matter & everyone wants to make money.  I want to help people.  I want to touch lives & save lives.  But I will not endure working in an environment where I am not protected.  Perhaps wanting basic human rights is too much.

How honest are you with yourself?

“It is good that they are protective and looking out for you.   But if they don’t know the real you, because you haven’t allowed yourself to be honest with yourself, let alone others….then their advice, while from a good place could have the opposite effect than intended.” 

Some questions/statements linger & this statement jumps to the forefront of my mind. How honest are we about our own desires, wants, & needs especially if they go against societal norms?  Accepting various parts of ourselves can be a difficult process.  It took me years to admit that I was a masochist.  Why?  I knew I liked pain & found it sexually arousing but I didn’t want to be seen as a “pain slut.”  I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. At that time, I didn’t know a lot of people who got off on pain sexually.  Those who did were looked at like an unknown creature with people lining up to prove their Domly Dom skills.  The goal wasn’t to achieve a pleasurable scene for both people but to see how much pain could be dished out to the masochist at hand.  I didn’t want to be associated with being a masochist.  I didn’t want people to look at me as an object to take their frustrations out on.  It was a learning curve & I finally worked up the courage to say proudly I was a masochist.  I learned how to be selective with who I trusted to inflict pain/pleasure on me.  And I found some trustworthy people to do scenes with.

Now, here I am at a cross road again.  Bothered by the fact someone sees something in me that I don’t.  He knew I was a true slave.  He knew I was a masochist, but could I set societal norms aside & be the animal he desired.  He believed I could be but my mentality was an issue.  My inability to shake what society may think & focus my energy on pleasing him.  What society thinks as a whole doesn’t affect me too much obviously because I am a black female submissive & masochist who prefers dating white Dominant men with a sadistic side.   However, I do have to sit with my own moral compass.

Some taboos are just too far for me.  If others like it, then hell who am I to judge.  But there is a balancing act that has to be achieved within myself.  Could I be the woman he desired?  Of course, I could but at what price to my mental, emotional, & physical state.  Yes he was right in the fact I was able to his behaviors inside of the bedroom which were at times degrading.  I don’t come out openly and say I like degradation because there is a line.  I have to know deep within my soul that you love me & outside of a certain moment that type of behavior isn’t going to continue.   It is easy to hurt the soul of the person serving you when they can’t tell whether this is how you truly feel or they know this is what sexually gets you off & doesn’t reflect in anyway what they truly think of you.

Yes, I didn’t flinch much when he said derogatory names towards me.  Conditioning a slave to accept certain things takes work, but once it is ingrained, breaking that learned behavior can be difficult.  I would never go shouting this off the rooftops but I had a Dominant many years ago who conditioned me to be able to orgasm being called a racial slur.   This is the difference between Daddy & this other guy – I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he loved me, this never occurred outside of the bedroom, & he made it a point to explain to me why he conditioned me that way.   And part of it still works today – I am able (usually) to maintain my cool if I hear the word said which was one of his goals.   He treasured me & treated me like a princess.  He is one of the few men who truly made me see my beauty inside & out.  He didn’t view me as sub-human or less than – if anything Daddy use to make me feel like I could take on the world like I was a super hero.  He made me feel like I could do no wrong.   He could be rough, demanding, and the sexually nastiest man I knew, but he also was loving, kind, protective, charming, & made sure to reinforce to me I was his world.

Did this other guy see the real me or what he wanted to see in me?   The answer is not black or white.  Perhaps it is one of those gray areas & we both see different shades of gray. What I do know is – societal norms are important but have never dictated my choices in terms of relationships, etc.   The real me is a wanton, dirty, slut who enjoys being played and fucked rough, who needs pain to get off, & yes even a little degradation at times.  I am also a girl who believes in being loved, respected, adored, wanted, & seen as a capable woman.  I am far from sub-human.  I am not an animal.  And I would never deny who I am in order to please people I don’t freaking know.   I just refuse to change who I am to fit the mold of what someone desires.  I refuse to live a life that could border on a prison sentence.  BDSM isn’t abusive nor does it tear a person down.   So I know the real me.  The people that love me, know the real me.  Perhaps you should have taken the time to see the real me.

The spirit of you & me occasionally likes to visit me

Over the top romantic gestures, flowers, candy, hearts, and over the top public displays of affection – does not describe any relationship I have ever been in.   I have a tendency to attract men who many would describe as harsh, opinionated, assertive bordering on arrogant, & dare I say an asshole.   Look in their defense – I have my quirks and oddities.   What fascinates me is I have always been able to see beyond the exterior of what these guys show.  I see the layers they hide from the world & in those moments I see the beauty in them.  And in return, they see the beauty in me & I am shown love in a different way than most would imagine as loving gestures.   However these men & relationships are not without their flaws (I am not leaving myself out of that equation in terms of flaws).  Occasionally, I find a person that is just flawed – someone where compromise isn’t an option.

The past few nights I have had dreams about you.  I can almost feel you around me, close to me, etc.  The saying might be true that once you have sex with another person part of their energy transfers into you.  We had amazing conversations & you definitely could make me laugh.   Part of your Dominance spoke to me.  You were so demanding but when you actually gave a true heartfelt compliment it was felt.  Sexually, you understood what I needed even in the moments I didn’t understand what I needed.  You can be abrasive yet you also have moments where you can almost be calming & nurturing.  You made me realize being open to trying new things isn’t such a bad thing. Surprisingly, you taught me things about myself I didn’t know.

So, why am I not by your side right now when moments, like today, I sorta miss you.  Easy, you would never be able to view me as a woman.  I never wanted to be your equal, but I refuse to be with a person who sees me as sub-human.  I can’t support a man who doesn’t support others.   And ironically, if it wasn’t for those things, I actually could have seen a rewarding relationship for both of us.  As I get older I realize that you can’t change people.   You can’t sacrifice your values in order to be with someone because you see the potential in the relationship.  Many years ago I would have tried to be what you needed hoping you would change & see what we could be if you just changed.

Is it pathetic that I still have moments where I wonder about you?   Is it sad I want to know what’s going on with you despite being the one who decided I wasn’t the right fit for you? Many people would say yes.  I say unfortunately it is just the way I am designed.  I won’t call it a character flaw that I care about people who I have shared intimate moments with.  I wish I could be like others & dismiss a person like they were nothing.

However, I do choose to focus on the missing pieces.  The parts of a dynamic I need/desire which is intimate touch.  I love hugs & kisses at the right moments.  I want to know I am not only needed but wanted.  I want to touch a person’s heart & soul.  I want us to be a team.  A team that helps each other improve.  A team that is willing to correct the other when wrong.   A team where you lead & I follow because I simply know you are capable.   A partner who believes in the D/s or M/s dynamic but doesn’t misuse that position & pushes our relationship into an unhealthy place.   You weren’t capable of giving me those things.   And I was incapable of providing you what you needed.   Both of these things are perfectly fine.   Hopefully, I was able to teach you something or leave an impression in your mind or on your heart.   In the end all I can do is take care of myself & push forward even when my thoughts drift to you.   No person is all good & no person is all bad – I just wish you could have been more open minded.

 

Thinking out loud & still unsure

“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”   I should be freaking out yet making quick rational decisions that will best benefit myself in the future.   Surprisingly, I haven’t completely lost my shit & I hesitate to make any decisions in a rushed state.   What the hell are you doing?   The answer is complex yet oh so simple – I am evaluating all of the possibilities while refusing to settle for something I won’t enjoy.  Limbo best describes the state of my work life at the moment.   In this state I find myself reflecting on the past year.   I will never say it was a mistake to leave my full time position in order to take a chance on one of my goals.   However it hasn’t been an easy journey.   It has been many peaks and valleys.   Everything happens for a reason – there are no mistakes in life.  Each step leads you towards something greater than you imagined even when you don’t understand the why or how at the time (this has always been my belief).

Mentally & physically – I am exhausted.   Doing certain things have been placed on the back burner.   I truly believe I just needed to take a few days to process everything that happened.  My workouts for the past week have been non-existent.  Biggest reason is simply I miss my home box.   I miss the people & encouragement.  I miss being in the place that started my fitness/health journey.   Change is sometimes difficult.   One thing at a time – this week I must go to the box I visit when home & start working out again.  I need to release the stress, tension, & negative emotions.

Applying for local jobs has been a struggle in some ways.  There are some jobs I like but others don’t move me.  I have come so far into my career to settle for just any position.  However, the idea of traveling again doesn’t really sit well with me either.  Setting up and settling down in a new city every three months is a process.  You never know what you are walking into.  You have to learn a new city, new work culture, & by the time you start to figure things out – it is time to go.

Why am I wanting to settle down locally again?   Job stability is beginning to become important to me.  I miss my friends & family.   The people who have always been in my corner good, bad, and ugly.   Seeing these people in the past few days has made my heart happy.   Don’t get me wrong – I have met some wonderful people on my journey however those people aren’t the ones who have known me for years.  These are the people who have seen my tears & celebrated my accomplishments.   These are the people who I have seen cry & I have celebrated their accomplishments.   I also miss my local BDSM community – they are the best & are part of my heart.  Decisions to be made.  Random thoughts spewed on paper.   Something will tip the balance at some point.   Until that time, I will continue to search for what is going to be the best fit.

But if the bright lights don’t receive you

Feeling like a failure makes it hard to come out & tell people that you are back home earlier than expected.  Yes, I want to see the people that I love but when you are home early because of reasons that can’t really be explained – you just don’t feel like facing the ones you love.  Sacrificed in the name of patient satisfaction.  And in one moment you feel like the Matchbox Twenty lyrics: “But if the bright lights don’t receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home.”

*sigh*  One year ago I made a decision to accomplish a goal; I decided to leave my full time job to become a traveling healthcare provider.  Morale was low at my old job so it was the perfect opportunity to see what the world had to offer.  I stepped out on faith & worked my first assignment.  Things were great.  My next assignment was absolutely horrible.  The next assignment was like returning back to an old lover & then I did it again.  I was living in a new city, experiencing new things, and learning about different ways of thinking.

Becoming a traveling professional has had it’s share of peaks and valleys.  I got to live in Texas & California.  I learned how to adapt to living in two vastly different areas.  I got to check off a few bucket list items – drive across the country & see the Pacific Ocean just to name two.  I have seen mountains, desert, & oceans.   I have had the opportunity to see how different life can be from one place to the next.   And the icing on the cake was meeting some amazing people some of which have become great friends & family.  However, this adventure has also had my integrity called into question, lost of money due to cancelled contracts, & made me question my own sanity in pursing this crazy dream of mine.

I learned that I am smarter, stronger, braver, & more resilient than I ever imagined about myself. Living the life of a gypsy has given me the ability to adapt more than I would have given myself credit for being able to do.   I learned maybe the big city isn’t exactly where I want to be.  But I also learned the country isn’t exactly where I want to be either.  Give me city with a suburban feel.    Valley of this adventure includes losing your job before the end of your contract which leaves you with money you didn’t expect to spend.  Losing out on time with family and friends.   Learning a new area only to have to leave in 13 – 26 months then having to leave and relearn an entirely new place.  Crying yourself to sleep because you are stressed & alone.  Starting relationships & losing relationships.  And honestly I wouldn’t have made it through this journey without the support of so many people through modern technology.
So, what is missing in my life?   The answer is stability.  Being a travel healthcare worker is amazing but the uncertainty between jobs is stressful.  I miss the decor and furniture I picked out for my place (it took me years to pick out each and every piece for my home).  I miss having a place of my own.  I miss my friends & family.  The freedom to design your own life is fabulous. There is money to be made if you take the gamble but do realize sometimes you bust.

The stress of having to find a new position every 3 months is exhausting.   I achieved a dream & am able to check off several items on my bucket list.  However I think I am craving stability.  The ability to have continual health insurance.  The ability to earn PTO, retirement benefits, & a stable income.  Having a home to go to that is truly mine.

My dilemma is I am not overly excited about working for any of the hospitals in my hometown. So, what is the solution?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I am trying to be silent and wait for clarity.  I ask God for direction but at the moment there is no answer.  Perhaps I am giving up to early in my traveling career.  I know that nothing is certain however I am tired of the constant uncertainty with my new adventure.  In this moment, the only thing I am certain of is that is amazing to be in my own bed.  It is wonderful to see the things I worked hard to buy.  It is comforting to see the faces of those who love me & I love.   And for right now that is enough for me.