Marching to the beat of a different drum. I have been doing that for what seems like my entire life. It seems like whenever people push me to make a decision in the way they desire, I either listen or completely rebel. Always have, and it is not a manner of no one being able to tell me what to do. It is a matter of listening to my instincts. My instincts have never been wrong & there are times I have gone against my own voice, but even then the lessons I learned where valuable in ways I didn’t understand til later.
Today ended with me having to come home & take a three hour nap because so many voices and looks of shock swirled around in my head. Nothing spikes your irritability factor like having your 20 year dating past thrown up in your face, even if just for fun. Yes I get it, everyone thinks I make horrible decisions when it comes to dating & selecting a mate. Let’s not split hairs, I could probably write a book on my worst, funniest, and shocking dating moments. In my defense in my 20’s I was the most naive woman you ever met. I didn’t get the spit or swallow joke til my boyfriend, at the time, explained it to me (I was 22).
True facts: If you are a deemed an asshole by someone, you are probably going to love me. In fact, we probably will get along very well. So, I do attract men who are assholes. I have a theory on it.
I am guilty of being picky & writing you off for behaviors I deem awkward. Guy who would cum in the corner of his bedroom – nope. Funky looking teeth – nope. Tiny hands and short nail beds – it might be a no from me. Don’t practice proper hygiene – that’s an automatic disqualification.
I can be assertive which means when you meet me I am going to say what I think. I am going to ask you so many questions your head will spin. I am going to probably appear anything but submissive. Deal with it, learn to channel it, and I am yours.
I also am sensitive and give more chances than many people deserve. If I love you. If you mean something to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion – I am not going to be able to break the bond cleanly. I wish I possessed the talent of cutting people out of my life and not looking back. If I cut a person off you would have had to hurt me so badly it hurts my soul to even look at you. And even then after a few years, you might be able to get back into my good graces with a few rules in place.
The other day I received a message from a dominant that lives close to me. I read the message & he instantly got points – there was proper grammar, no slang, no one word message, & no dick pic showing as his profile picture. So, I actually responded. He wrote back another proper message. And we started talking. He wasn’t sexually suggestive. He wasn’t trying to get me to send nude photos. He actually held a decent conversation.
There is a negative side because that’s the story of my life. I should be the Lady of Awkward Dating Situations. He openly acknowledged that he didn’t meet the criteria of what I was looking for, but he believes he possess a lot of what I desire. (You can’t see the raised eyebrow but trust me it’s there). And he honestly laid out his faults on the table to the point my jaw hit the floor more times than I can count. Amazingly, he said he knew that was a lot of information to take in & told me to go home and think about it. When I reached a decision to let him know what I decided.
My friends always follow up with me when I am done with a date. *Side note: I need to just start dating secretively so all bad decisions are just mine to handle alone.* We talked about what happened: the good, the bad, and the ugly. The overwhelming answer wasn’t just no but hell fuck no. He and I are definitely different people in a multitude of ways and that is mildly putting it. If it is on your worse case scenario list, this guy probably has done it or been there.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown because no matter the decision, I alone have to live with the consequences of that decision. And in some situations I have paid the toll heavily.
So, what is the problem? Usually, I can make a decision on important matters rather quickly. My gut never fails me. However, there is a conflict between my instincts and logical side & I don’t know where the discrepancy lies. Am I judging the sins of a person’s past way too harshly? Possibly. Ever person has a story. Some people’s story are a lot harder to swallow than others. Some people’s life decisions are harder to swallow than others. Maybe because of my profession, I can humanize situation and things others quickly turn their nose up to (which isn’t always a good thing). I listen and ask the appropriate questions. I analyze situations because that’s what I do. I have to have a plan from A to Z. I have to look at all angles before I make a decision, even when the information isn’t pleasant.
The final decision will probably be a no. Not because of his past. Once again no one is perfect & we all have fallen short in one way or another. It is because though he believes he can give me what I need I don’t see that as a possibility. We are not of the same background & our lives are different in so many ways. There are aspects of his life I am not 100% comfortable with & though it has been a while since I have actually been out with a person in a dating looking to progress further way – I stopped dating people for the sake of dating because I was bored in my 20’s. I own multiple toys that can bring me to orgasm, I have friends I can go out on dates with, and hell I take myself out on amazing dates by myself. I can do pretty well on my own. I just always hate being the person who always says no because of X, Y, &/or Z . For once, it would be nice to actually tell a person “fuck yes, I would love to go out with you” & in return that person feel that exact same way about me.