The spirit of you & me occasionally likes to visit me

Over the top romantic gestures, flowers, candy, hearts, and over the top public displays of affection – does not describe any relationship I have ever been in.   I have a tendency to attract men who many would describe as harsh, opinionated, assertive bordering on arrogant, & dare I say an asshole.   Look in their defense – I have my quirks and oddities.   What fascinates me is I have always been able to see beyond the exterior of what these guys show.  I see the layers they hide from the world & in those moments I see the beauty in them.  And in return, they see the beauty in me & I am shown love in a different way than most would imagine as loving gestures.   However these men & relationships are not without their flaws (I am not leaving myself out of that equation in terms of flaws).  Occasionally, I find a person that is just flawed – someone where compromise isn’t an option.

The past few nights I have had dreams about you.  I can almost feel you around me, close to me, etc.  The saying might be true that once you have sex with another person part of their energy transfers into you.  We had amazing conversations & you definitely could make me laugh.   Part of your Dominance spoke to me.  You were so demanding but when you actually gave a true heartfelt compliment it was felt.  Sexually, you understood what I needed even in the moments I didn’t understand what I needed.  You can be abrasive yet you also have moments where you can almost be calming & nurturing.  You made me realize being open to trying new things isn’t such a bad thing. Surprisingly, you taught me things about myself I didn’t know.

So, why am I not by your side right now when moments, like today, I sorta miss you.  Easy, you would never be able to view me as a woman.  I never wanted to be your equal, but I refuse to be with a person who sees me as sub-human.  I can’t support a man who doesn’t support others.   And ironically, if it wasn’t for those things, I actually could have seen a rewarding relationship for both of us.  As I get older I realize that you can’t change people.   You can’t sacrifice your values in order to be with someone because you see the potential in the relationship.  Many years ago I would have tried to be what you needed hoping you would change & see what we could be if you just changed.

Is it pathetic that I still have moments where I wonder about you?   Is it sad I want to know what’s going on with you despite being the one who decided I wasn’t the right fit for you? Many people would say yes.  I say unfortunately it is just the way I am designed.  I won’t call it a character flaw that I care about people who I have shared intimate moments with.  I wish I could be like others & dismiss a person like they were nothing.

However, I do choose to focus on the missing pieces.  The parts of a dynamic I need/desire which is intimate touch.  I love hugs & kisses at the right moments.  I want to know I am not only needed but wanted.  I want to touch a person’s heart & soul.  I want us to be a team.  A team that helps each other improve.  A team that is willing to correct the other when wrong.   A team where you lead & I follow because I simply know you are capable.   A partner who believes in the D/s or M/s dynamic but doesn’t misuse that position & pushes our relationship into an unhealthy place.   You weren’t capable of giving me those things.   And I was incapable of providing you what you needed.   Both of these things are perfectly fine.   Hopefully, I was able to teach you something or leave an impression in your mind or on your heart.   In the end all I can do is take care of myself & push forward even when my thoughts drift to you.   No person is all good & no person is all bad – I just wish you could have been more open minded.

 

Thinking out loud & still unsure

“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”   I should be freaking out yet making quick rational decisions that will best benefit myself in the future.   Surprisingly, I haven’t completely lost my shit & I hesitate to make any decisions in a rushed state.   What the hell are you doing?   The answer is complex yet oh so simple – I am evaluating all of the possibilities while refusing to settle for something I won’t enjoy.  Limbo best describes the state of my work life at the moment.   In this state I find myself reflecting on the past year.   I will never say it was a mistake to leave my full time position in order to take a chance on one of my goals.   However it hasn’t been an easy journey.   It has been many peaks and valleys.   Everything happens for a reason – there are no mistakes in life.  Each step leads you towards something greater than you imagined even when you don’t understand the why or how at the time (this has always been my belief).

Mentally & physically – I am exhausted.   Doing certain things have been placed on the back burner.   I truly believe I just needed to take a few days to process everything that happened.  My workouts for the past week have been non-existent.  Biggest reason is simply I miss my home box.   I miss the people & encouragement.  I miss being in the place that started my fitness/health journey.   Change is sometimes difficult.   One thing at a time – this week I must go to the box I visit when home & start working out again.  I need to release the stress, tension, & negative emotions.

Applying for local jobs has been a struggle in some ways.  There are some jobs I like but others don’t move me.  I have come so far into my career to settle for just any position.  However, the idea of traveling again doesn’t really sit well with me either.  Setting up and settling down in a new city every three months is a process.  You never know what you are walking into.  You have to learn a new city, new work culture, & by the time you start to figure things out – it is time to go.

Why am I wanting to settle down locally again?   Job stability is beginning to become important to me.  I miss my friends & family.   The people who have always been in my corner good, bad, and ugly.   Seeing these people in the past few days has made my heart happy.   Don’t get me wrong – I have met some wonderful people on my journey however those people aren’t the ones who have known me for years.  These are the people who have seen my tears & celebrated my accomplishments.   These are the people who I have seen cry & I have celebrated their accomplishments.   I also miss my local BDSM community – they are the best & are part of my heart.  Decisions to be made.  Random thoughts spewed on paper.   Something will tip the balance at some point.   Until that time, I will continue to search for what is going to be the best fit.

But if the bright lights don’t receive you

Feeling like a failure makes it hard to come out & tell people that you are back home earlier than expected.  Yes, I want to see the people that I love but when you are home early because of reasons that can’t really be explained – you just don’t feel like facing the ones you love.  Sacrificed in the name of patient satisfaction.  And in one moment you feel like the Matchbox Twenty lyrics: “But if the bright lights don’t receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home.”

*sigh*  One year ago I made a decision to accomplish a goal; I decided to leave my full time job to become a traveling healthcare provider.  Morale was low at my old job so it was the perfect opportunity to see what the world had to offer.  I stepped out on faith & worked my first assignment.  Things were great.  My next assignment was absolutely horrible.  The next assignment was like returning back to an old lover & then I did it again.  I was living in a new city, experiencing new things, and learning about different ways of thinking.

Becoming a traveling professional has had it’s share of peaks and valleys.  I got to live in Texas & California.  I learned how to adapt to living in two vastly different areas.  I got to check off a few bucket list items – drive across the country & see the Pacific Ocean just to name two.  I have seen mountains, desert, & oceans.   I have had the opportunity to see how different life can be from one place to the next.   And the icing on the cake was meeting some amazing people some of which have become great friends & family.  However, this adventure has also had my integrity called into question, lost of money due to cancelled contracts, & made me question my own sanity in pursing this crazy dream of mine.

I learned that I am smarter, stronger, braver, & more resilient than I ever imagined about myself. Living the life of a gypsy has given me the ability to adapt more than I would have given myself credit for being able to do.   I learned maybe the big city isn’t exactly where I want to be.  But I also learned the country isn’t exactly where I want to be either.  Give me city with a suburban feel.    Valley of this adventure includes losing your job before the end of your contract which leaves you with money you didn’t expect to spend.  Losing out on time with family and friends.   Learning a new area only to have to leave in 13 – 26 months then having to leave and relearn an entirely new place.  Crying yourself to sleep because you are stressed & alone.  Starting relationships & losing relationships.  And honestly I wouldn’t have made it through this journey without the support of so many people through modern technology.
So, what is missing in my life?   The answer is stability.  Being a travel healthcare worker is amazing but the uncertainty between jobs is stressful.  I miss the decor and furniture I picked out for my place (it took me years to pick out each and every piece for my home).  I miss having a place of my own.  I miss my friends & family.  The freedom to design your own life is fabulous. There is money to be made if you take the gamble but do realize sometimes you bust.

The stress of having to find a new position every 3 months is exhausting.   I achieved a dream & am able to check off several items on my bucket list.  However I think I am craving stability.  The ability to have continual health insurance.  The ability to earn PTO, retirement benefits, & a stable income.  Having a home to go to that is truly mine.

My dilemma is I am not overly excited about working for any of the hospitals in my hometown. So, what is the solution?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I am trying to be silent and wait for clarity.  I ask God for direction but at the moment there is no answer.  Perhaps I am giving up to early in my traveling career.  I know that nothing is certain however I am tired of the constant uncertainty with my new adventure.  In this moment, the only thing I am certain of is that is amazing to be in my own bed.  It is wonderful to see the things I worked hard to buy.  It is comforting to see the faces of those who love me & I love.   And for right now that is enough for me.

Re-learning your worth as a submissive (or making a dumb choice because you can’t help it).

“Most of our mistakes, the big ones at least, are the result of allowing emotion to overrule logic.  We knew the right choice but didn’t obey.” 

Occasionally my emotional side overrules my logical side.   It is a weakness of mine to search for the good in a person instead of believing they are an absolute asshole.  Relationships ending always feels like a failure to me even when logically I know we weren’t meant to be.   I am always left with the feeling – could I have given more?  Did I fail at this relationship because of work obligations?  Do I fall short because I am trying to achieve a balance of friends, relationship, self-care, and career?   D/s and M/s relationships can become all consuming.   After 10 years in the lifestyle, occasionally I find myself being defined as not submissive enough (whatever the hell that means).

When the guy in my previous writing ended our relationship a month or two ago I struggled with the feeling of wanting to be back with this person.   I wanted to show him I was in fact submissive enough but I also wanted to prove you don’t have to lose yourself along the way.   I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so important to prove myself to a man who is a misogynistic, racist, & homophobic dick (obviously he does have a side I liked that was different than that).   I wanted to prove myself to a person that I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends & family.   And I still can’t provide a valid reason as to why – perhaps I miss the ability to serve, perhaps I miss actually being in a relationship, perhaps my ass needs to add in a new hobby.

We started talking again & the next thing I knew we had struck an agreement for me to come stay with him for four days.   I would serve him in a domestic fashion as well as sexual.  I agree with hesitation.   He continually reassured me he was not going to hurt me.  He didn’t want to hurt me.   He wanted to see had I changed & could I be the slave he desired.  I tried a few different things to get out of this but all my attempts failed.   Four days – I can do anything for four days; even if it’s to spend time with a man who enjoys degrading and humiliating me for his enjoyment.

Truth – sexually we are compatible on multiple levels.  I love degradation and humiliation sexually with the right person & privately.   The things I enjoy I would never mention in the presence of polite company.   In the moment, I lose control.  I drop pretense, ladylike behavior, & become an insatiable sexual creature that knows no bounds.  I want to be pushed and used hard.  I don’t want to make choices.  I don’t want gentle or polite.   And he knows how to push my sexual limits better than most. He has a devil dick as I call it.  It is beautiful but there are other pretty penises in the sea.   Sexual compatibility aside, we have common interest in music, movies, candles, sports, and enjoying various outdoor activities.   However we are two fundamentally different people & being with him for multiple, consecutive days started raising multiple concerns for me as to what a future together would look like.  It also made me realize the differences in the value systems we hold.

(1) Minorities, women, LGBT, & submissive men are equal to anyone else in this world.  They/We are strong individuals capable of doing any and everything imaginable in this world.   We are amazing.  And as Jessie Williams said “just because we’re magic doesn’t mean we’re not real.” I am a champion & believer in every person regardless of ethnicity, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, or consenting sexual preferences.  I am not tolerant of inequality so the good ol’ boys can feel better about themselves.

Obviously, he doesn’t agree with my views.  He believes white males are superior. Males who are submissive are weak. Females are here to serve & can’t be dominant. Every minority is inferior & being homosexual or bisexual is a choice.  (Yes because some of the people I know would gladly choose to endure the discrimination they have faced due to their sexuality.  And all I can say is say that stuff to any female Dominant or male submissive I know – they will eat him for breakfast.  And don’t get me started on the various, beautiful minorities in this world.  I digress)

(2) Submissive/slave females must be careful in the lifestyle.  There are many wonderful Dominant men & women out there, however there are also a plethora of predators/abusers who use the lifestyle to hide their true intentions.   Learning the difference can save your life.

A nice face slap can cause me to grin from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat. However, slapping me out of the fucking blue for shits and giggles doesn’t sit well with me.  Calling me degrading names outside of sexual play is a good way to cause insecurity issues.   And feeling like my primary function is to be a maid, chef and occasional fuck toy doesn’t work either.

I was taught that being in a D/s relationship does involve sacrifice but outside of a few things – it is a relationship of trust, respect, & love. Perhaps I am too modern but I want to love, cherish, honor, & respect my partner however I also want the same level of commitment in return.   It makes a person no less Dominant to spoil his or her little letter.  It doesn’t throw off the exchange in power to show genuine concern and love for that which you own.  Breaking the spirit of your property isn’t dominance- it is a form of abuse.

(3) Welcome to the real world where careers, bills, extracurricular activities, children, families, friends, and the stress of everyday life exist.   24/7 isn’t feasible for everyone though many of us try.

I love my career & the idea of giving it up to become financially dependent upon another is frightening.  Giving up control in some aspects of my life is great but I want my financial freedom. I have seen & heard stories where it starts off with financial dependence & then months/years later the person is in an abusive  situation with no means of escape. Yes, I understand the majority of Dominant men believe it is their role to take care of the submissive in all ways.  Just because I work doesn’t mean you don’t have control.  You allow me the freedom to be me & still serve you.  You aren’t making me feel like you are taking care of me in exchange for me being a house nigger.

(4) Lastly, I found his red swastika t-shirt while putting away clothes & things changed immediately.   Controlling my anger was difficult especially when he said, “I’m not racist.”   Questions followed & he admitted well yeah I am racist with my views on inferiors but it doesn’t mean I hate them (looks at skin color to make sure it is still brown – yep…still brown).  My focus shifted. I am an adult with the ability to walk away from your foolishness.  However, my mind went to the little one not home from school yet.  A beautiful interracial child you had & now are raising.  A child whose soul made me giggle & smile.  A child who doesn’t say much but processes everything.  The little one who will grow up facing obstacles you know nothing about.  The little one who will be judged because of the color of his skin.  The little one who has a father who views him as partially flawed because of half of his DNA.  And my heart breaks because you do love this child but you have the great potential of breaking this child.

I want to steal this child before they see you mistreat a woman of color since they are your preference.  I want to steal this child before they learn their father is a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic & homophobic person in the world.  I want to shelter you & can’t because you aren’t mine.  Years from now I know thoughts of you will cross my mind & I will hope that you are well.  I will hope your father’s view points haven’t been passed down. And I hope you see yourself as strong, talented, and amazing just how you are.

So, what I learned in those four days was no matter how sexually attracted you may be to a person, if your values are extremely different, the relationship has no chance of survival.   You can’t change a person or make them see the value you possess.   You can’t change who you are as an individual without losing your fire. Some things are not negotiable.

As a submissive/slave – remain true to who you are.  The journey is long & sometimes hard especially when you are looking for that special person to spend the rest of your life with.   Continue to be picky, don’t believe you can settle for x, y, or z; you will be extremely sorry. There is plenty of other men in the sea & the majority of those men aren’t racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, or homophobic.

PS:  No, we definitely will not be seeing each other again.

I see you as nothing more than a piece of furniture & you will like it.

Can you date a person who views you as sub-human, as an animal, as nothing more than a piece of furniture in the home?

Honest, open question posed to me this week.  The immediate answer is no, I can’t be with a person who would view me as less than.  I can’t be with a person who would like to truly enslave me like this was the 1700’s or 1800’s.   Yes, I identify as a submissive/slave however that doesn’t mean I want to be degraded, humiliated, and not valued for the well- round person that I am.

In November this guy,online, sent me a message.  I read the message and immediately reviewed his profile.  I rolled my eyes & sent him back a message stating:  “So, I am black and pretty sure I am not the type of slave you are looking for.  Good luck in your search.”   He responded back and amazing a conversation sparked.  The next thing I know we are on the phone for almost 5 hours talking about all sorts of different things – past relationships, sports, activities, jobs, etc.  He seemed amazing but as I always remember – when you are first meeting someone, you are not meeting the authentic person – you are meeting his or her representative.

The conversation shifts and he tells me about his views on women, minorities, male submissives, female Dominants and how he wishes you could still buy a slave from the auction block.  My mind is completely blown away (not in the good way).  How could a man who is funny, somewhat smart, we share common interest, and enjoys family be a racist interested in me.  He wanted me to become his ni**er. Owned, cherished property as I was told.  In return, I would give up my right to make decisions entirely.  I would be told what to eat, what to drink, I would be given a list of chores everyday, I would be there to sexually gratify him.  My needs, desires, and wants would no longer matter because my pleasure would come from serving him.   Obviously, we stopped talking after a while because we hold two different world views.  I hold the exact views of him on all fronts and my friends are a reflection of that.

However, we have started talking again and I don’t even know how this happened.  He would like for me to spend a few days at his home just to see if I would enjoy serving him and pleasing him. He wants me to change my mindset and see his way as correct.   I would like to change his mindset and make him see how wrong he is in his thinking.   As I was also told this week – neither one of you will be successful in this because you can’t change a person’s value system.   You can try to live cohesively but with two extremely different value systems, the odds of this happening is slim to none.

Can I see myself happy being called a ni**er,  being seen as a “three holed, talking monkey” there only for sexual gratification, cleaning, & cooking.   An item viewed as having no rights.  An item viewed as being non-human.  An item whose purpose is not to think, but to act however my Master wants me to even if it means letting a dog fuck you.  The answer in my head is a firm fuck no.  I want to be appreciated for my loyalty, devotion, accomplishments, beauty, grace, and ability to represent my Master in the best of lights.  I want to be respected, appreciated, loved, cherished, and seen for the woman I am, not the color of my skin though I do have some almost chocolate skin (don’t hate)!  I should tell this person to go fuck themselves and yet I can’t find the strength to say the words.

So, why do I continue to have contact with this person at times or even considering spending a few days with him.  I suck at saying no.  Let me clarify that – I am not afraid of saying no.  I am afraid of the person’s reaction to my standing up for yourself for many reasons that go back to my childhood.   A person yelling at me causes me to freeze up for a moment especially a man.  Especially if I don’t know your temperament.  If I want to break up with you, I do the most annoying shit possible to make you want to leave me.  I will push buttons and everything else until you leave me.  Cowardly, yes but that is just me.   So, what am I going to do in terms of all of this?  I have no fucking idea.  I can’t avoid this situation forever.  I am going to have to make decisions & not be afraid of what could happen.   Maybe ghosting in this situation wouldn’t be such a bad thing.    

Death is a part of life

Hi

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” 

Television shows are a lot different than the reality faced by millions of healthcare workers across the country everyday. Do we have moments that are so surreal you do a double take and think what the fuck?  Absolutely.  Do we see miracles occur? You bet we do.  Are we honored to stand next to people and assist them during their hours of need?  Yes, we do.   We love to share the moments that make us laugh.  We love to share the moments that are super gross.   We love to share the moments that are absolute chaos.   However, many of us shut down when it comes to speaking about the moments that leave us emotionally drained.  We try to forget about the moments that leave us breathless, heartbroken, devastated, and/or questioning why we do what we do.

My specialty is critical care.   Critical care has allowed me the opportunity to see people at their most vulnerable not only recover, but prove miracles happen everyday.  Sadly,  I have also witnessed my fair share of people cross over from this life to the next.  Preventing, witnessing, and fighting with death is what we do.   Sorry the RN doesn’t stand for refreshment and narcotics.  Nor are we waitresses.  We work to save lives.  And death is that annoying family member that shows up at 2 am causing all sorts of drama and commotion.    Death doesn’t care about your economic status, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, age, height, weight, or looks.  Death is an equal opportunity taker.

The process of watching an individual die, whether quickly or slowly, is something few people ever witness.  Sometimes the process can be etched into your mind so strongly you can recall the events, names, and people who were there like it was yesterday.   You see the look of utter shock and grief flash across their face.  You know they are going to ask you the same questions again and it is okay.  You try to block out the cries.  You try to encourage them to share memories of this person and encourage them to lean on each other for support.   You feel terrible to have to ask them – what funeral home would you like to send their body?   You give them time and then sometimes you have to wrap their bodies and send them down to the morgue, if a funeral home isn’t selected as of yet.   And even after years of doing this job, the process is difficult.  The process hits you at the core & all you can do is emotionally let go.

The past few weeks has been emotionally overwhelming for me.   I rarely have had to call an medical emergency/cardiac arrest (code), yet in the past couple of weeks – I have had to call two and in the end neither patient survived their injuries.  And I watched one lady slip away as her brain swelling couldn’t be stopped.   All three cases stick with me.  However I will share two out of the three stories because I think sometimes people need a look at the harsh parts of what we do.

The lady who slipped away from life due to brain swelling was hard.  It is hard to watch someone neurologically decline.  It is even harder to look at the person who has loved her for 56 years, watch her die.  He told me wonderful stories about the woman he loved.  He called her the boss and respected how she raised their family and supported him while he provided financially for the family.   He wanted her to recover.  He said he would be lost without her.  He said how much he loved that woman.  He gently stroked her hair and kissed her forehead while reminding her constantly.  “Baby, I am right here.  I haven’t left your side.”  He looked at me and asked would she be returning home to him.  I gave my PC answer – “the next 24-72 hours are the most critical.  We will have to wait and see.”  I didn’t have the heart to look him in the eyes and say you won’t be bringing home your wife, lover, best friend and mother of your children.   You won’t be holding her hand or kissing her again.    I am grateful I didn’t have to see her die with him by her side.  My heart would have broken for him.  And the days ahead that no words would be able to soothe or heal.   The pain that no one would understand because his life partner was no longer standing by his side.

Death doesn’t discriminate & it took a woman in her 20’s like a thief in the night.  I can remember wanting the physician to see her as soon as possible because I didn’t like anything I heard.   The physician was busy and said when they got a moment they would be around.  Pt wasn’t breathing the best and we had some conversations about comfort and not wanting to remain this way if nothing could be done.   Got her breathing treatments going and he O2 sats started picking up and she was sleeping soundly.  The physician peaked in and saw everything improving and basically said if you need something call but she will be fine.  I didn’t feel comfortable but I started to think maybe I am just paranoid.  I kept calling doing labs, listening to her breath sounds, monitoring everything looking for signs, and some things were improving.  She was comfortable and still resting in no distress.    An hour before shift change, I was outside her door and heard her let out a yell.  I went inside.  She looked at me and said “I can’t breath.” Told respiratory to get an ABG stat while I called the physician.   Within the two minutes it took to call and get a response.  I saw her go from having a rhythm to asystole.  We tried to save her life while her family member stood by the entire time just watching in shock.   We never saw life return to her body.  Finally I hear a crying out from the other side of the room “no more”.   After 27 minutes, we declared this young woman dead.   I couldn’t catch my breath.   I heard her family member say remember our conversation from earlier & I did.  And I couldn’t hold back the tears. I had to walk away because heartbreaking doesn’t come close to describing how I felt.  I came back and held this lady and told her take all the time you need.  And we talked about her not being in pain any longer.  I was assured there was nothing I could have done.  I did everything possible, yet I felt like a failure.   I carried that home with me that day.  And still do in some ways.

I love what I do for a living.   I can’t imagine doing anything else at times.   However, we forget that health care providers are people as well.  We also leave part of our hearts with you.  We hurt and grieve the loss of our patients.  We are impacted by the losses and victories of medicine.

Expectations, reality, and not being a Stepford sub

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” – William Shakespeare

We are all guilty of it.  Doesn’t matter how you identify: Master, Dominant, Top, Daddy, Switch, bottom, submissive, slave, &/or babygirl:  we all have a preconceived notions of what our relationship will be like with our chosen partners. We have a list expectations and ideas.   We envision what our everyday life with this person will be like.  Sadly, we also become frustrated and disappointed because what we envision doesn’t match up with reality.  We fail to account for jobs, kids, responsibilities, vanilla life, families, friends, managing our own expectations, etc.

I am not a Stepford submissive/slave.  I don’t fit the traditional role of what some expect.    I am outspoken at times, sarcastic, witty, playful, fail to understand the meaning of stoic, and won’t let anyone speak to me anyway you feel (yes, I am a submissive/slave, but if YOU don’t own me – then you don’t have the right to me).  This is a part of my personality. However,  I am also compassionate, service-oriented (not always in the traditional sense), crave rules and structure, desire to make my Master proud of me regardless of what I am doing, and possess a loyalty that is something fierce.

However, please don’t smolder out my flame;  learn to tame it.  Understand how to play with it, control it, wield it to your command.  Stimulate my mind.  Shed off my armor of protection off and stand me naked/vulnerable in front of you before I realize what happened.   I will be shaky.  I will resist the flow because I have trust issues.  I will fight till you have figuratively and literally pinned me down breathless and begging for you to consume me.  I don’t do these things because I want to be a bratty girl.  Oh, no – sadly I do it to see are you strong enough to handle the flame within.  Can you guide me and lead me to be the best version of myself for you and me?  I don’t want to to rule to land.  I hate making decisions.  I just want someone who can shut off the noise in my head and just allow me to be.

So what the heck do I want?  A man who is stronger than me emotionally, mentally and physically.  Be a good leader.  Be someone who isn’t afraid to teach me because I don’t know it all.  I expect to be cared for, respected, loved, and valued as your most treasured possession.  As a slave/submissive could my expectations be too high?   Some Big letters aren’t looking for a life partner/slave to love, dominate, provide service, and cherish in all ways.  Some desire a person to control, a person to serve, and don’t care if you care for them or not.   Your function isn’t to be seen as a person.  You are there to simply serve a purpose.   And some people submissive/slaves don’t want to be cherished or loved.   They want to be seen as objects to serve without fail no matter how degrading or humiliating the task.

As our parents taught us early – life isn’t always fair.   Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but sometimes we end up with what we need.  Does that mean having expectations and desires are a bad thing?  Does that mean we get so wrapped up in our expectations we fail to see the possibilities before us simply because it isn’t wrapped up in the package we expected?

My reality has always differed slightly from my expectations.   Eventually because of that my expectations changed, grew, or expanded.  Initially, I never wanted to be with a sadistic person.  I didn’t want to be with a person who wanted to put rules on my behavior.   However, I met a person who saw the masochist in me before I did.  He saw the girl who needed rules and guidance.  And he was one of the best people for my growth within & outside of the lifestyle.  I learned how to grow beyond the boundaries I thought possible.   This person wasn’t close to some of the things I wanted but in the end he surpassed my expectations & needs. He taught me so many things about myself including the fact that I was truly a stunning, slave woman.

Right now.  I am at that crossroads again.  I have met a man who doesn’t fit into the expectations I have, yet he intrigues me.  We don’t see eye to eye on a few things, but let’s talk about how he fits the box.  He actually guides, teaches, and leads – calmly & sometimes without you being aware he is doing it.  He communicates – there are no hidden messages, he wants to know your truth and he also respects you enough to give you truth in return.   He believes in transparency even to the point where I am uncomfortable (I never thought I would say there was such a thing as too much transparency but there might be).   He is sadistic, Dominant, intelligent, and understands what it means to stimulate the mind.

However, reading his profile online actually left me speechless (not in the good way).  When he emailed me, I told him I was pretty sure I am not the kind of woman he was searching for.  And somehow we kept emailing, which lead to texting, which lead to phone calls & then lead to us meeting each other.   He has captured my attention but he is not in the box I envisioned. He makes me want to drop my armor, but naked and vulnerable would mean falling down the rabbit hole.  It would mean following the path and fear of the unknown is always something scary to this girl.   What does my loyalty mean to this person?   What are the risk and benefits to my psyche?   Am I scared because what he wants doesn’t fit into the expectation box I envisioned – hell yes!!   The point of no return – once you start a journey you can never go back.  Falling into the deep end of the pool.   Learning perhaps I can swim better than imagined.  I can be something I don’t see in myself.    Will it change who I am?   Essentially, no I will be the same woman I am today.   Will I have to face my truth?   Yes, I will.    Perhaps we stop ourselves from truly being free by placing so many limits on ourselves.  Perhaps we stop ourselves from truly being happy because of the expectations we place on ourselves and others.