Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Marching to the beat of a different drum.  I have been doing that for what seems like my entire life.  It seems like whenever people push me to make a decision in the way they desire, I either listen or completely rebel.  Always have, and it is not a manner of no one being able to tell me what to do.  It is a matter of listening to my instincts.   My instincts have never been wrong & there are times I have gone against my own voice, but even then the lessons I learned where valuable in ways I didn’t understand til later.

Today ended with me having to come home & take a three hour nap because so many voices and looks of shock swirled around in my head.  Nothing spikes your irritability factor like having your 20 year dating past thrown up in your face, even if just for fun.  Yes I get it, everyone thinks I make horrible decisions when it comes to dating & selecting a mate.  Let’s not split hairs, I could probably write a book on my worst, funniest, and shocking dating moments.  In my defense in my 20’s I was the most naive woman you ever met.  I didn’t get the spit or swallow joke til my boyfriend, at the time, explained it to me (I was 22).

True facts:  If you are a deemed an asshole by someone, you are probably going to love me.  In fact, we probably will get along very well.  So, I do attract men who are assholes.  I have a theory on it.

I am guilty of being picky & writing you off for behaviors I deem awkward.  Guy who would cum in the corner of his bedroom – nope.  Funky looking teeth – nope.  Tiny hands and short nail beds – it might be a no from me.  Don’t practice proper hygiene – that’s an automatic disqualification.

I can be assertive which means when you meet me I am going to say what I think.  I am going to ask you so many questions your head will spin.  I am going to probably appear anything but submissive.   Deal with it, learn to channel it, and I am yours.

 

I also am sensitive and give more chances than many people deserve.  If I love you.  If you mean something to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion – I am not going to be able to break the bond cleanly.  I wish I possessed the talent of cutting people out of my life and not looking back. If I cut a person off you would have had to hurt me so badly it hurts my soul to even look at you. And even then after a few years, you might be able to get back into my good graces with a few rules in place.

The other day I received a message from a dominant that lives close to me.  I read the message & he instantly got points – there was proper grammar, no slang, no one word message, & no dick pic showing as his profile picture.  So, I actually responded.  He wrote back another proper message.   And we started talking.  He wasn’t sexually suggestive.  He wasn’t trying to get me to send nude photos.   He actually held a decent conversation.

There is a negative side because that’s the story of my life.  I should be the Lady of Awkward Dating Situations.  He openly acknowledged that he didn’t meet the criteria of what I was looking for, but he believes he possess a lot of what I desire.  (You can’t see the raised eyebrow but trust me it’s there).  And he honestly laid out his faults on the table to the point my jaw hit the floor more times than I can count.   Amazingly, he said he knew that was a lot of information to take in & told me to go home and think about it.  When I reached a decision to let him know what I decided.

My friends always follow up with me when I am done with a date.  *Side note: I need to just start dating secretively so all bad decisions are just mine to handle alone.*  We talked about what happened: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The overwhelming answer wasn’t just no but hell fuck no.   He and I are definitely different people in a multitude of ways and that is mildly putting it.   If it is on your worse case scenario list, this guy probably has done it or been there.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown because no matter the decision, I alone have to live with the consequences of that decision.  And in some situations I have paid the toll heavily.

So, what is the problem?   Usually, I can make a decision on important matters rather quickly.  My gut never fails me.  However, there is a conflict between my instincts and logical side & I don’t know where the discrepancy lies.   Am I judging the sins of a person’s past way too harshly?  Possibly.  Ever person has a story.  Some people’s story are a lot harder to swallow than others.   Some people’s life decisions are harder to swallow than others.   Maybe because of my profession, I can humanize situation and things others quickly turn their nose up to (which isn’t always a good thing).  I listen and ask the appropriate questions.   I analyze situations because that’s what I do.  I have to have a plan from A to Z.  I have to look at all angles before I make a decision, even when the information isn’t pleasant.

The final decision will probably be a no.  Not because of his past.  Once again no one is perfect & we all have fallen short in one way or another.  It is because though he believes he can give me what I need I don’t see that as a possibility.  We are not of the same background & our lives are different in so many ways.  There are aspects of his life I am not 100% comfortable with & though it has been a while since I have actually been out with a person in a dating looking to progress further way –  I stopped dating people for the sake of dating because I was bored in my 20’s.  I own multiple toys that can bring me to orgasm, I have friends I can go out on dates with, and hell I take myself out on amazing dates by myself.  I can do pretty well on my own.  I just always hate being the person who always says no because of X, Y, &/or Z .  For once, it would be nice to actually tell a person “fuck yes, I would love to go out with you” & in return that person feel that exact same way about me.

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“If you want me, earn me” or what I need in a partner

“We need to find you a man.”   First of all, I fucking hate that statement.  “We” don’t need to find me a man.  It is not an essential part of life.  I need food, air, water, my debts paid off, money in the bank, a job in order to live a lifestyle I am accustomed to having, and I even need to workout but a man doesn’t rank as a necessity.

Now, I understand that this person was trying to be helpful and wants me to find happiness.  However, happiness isn’t defined with me being with another person.  I have always believed this: you can’t be happy with another person until you are happy with yourself.   I have taken periods of time restraining from sex, play, and even dating until I could figure out why I wasn’t finding my own personal happiness.

I know where this is trying to go.   What am I looking for in a person?  Do you date black guys?  Do you only white guys?   Second of all, I hate that this even needs to be said but here it goes.  I am open to dating any man of any race, however my preference has always been white and Latino men.   It has been my attraction since I was little.  Probably not gonna change, but since I am in the good old South people have an issue with the fact I interracially date.

But let’s get back to the actual question this person is desiring to know.   What am I looking for in a potential mate?   Well, I would never tell the person asking the entire list because they aren’t part of my circle like that, nor do I feel they have my best interest at heart.  However, sometimes it is nice to put out in the universe what you desire.  So here is what I desire in a potential partner.

I desire a partner who is intelligent & has a sense of humor.  If they are lacking these two qualities then we will not go very far in a relationship.

My partner must be charming, compassionate, & giving.  I am a natural flirt.  It happens sometimes without me even being aware.  I also have a big heart and understand life isn’t always sunshine & rainbows.  People need you when times are great but even more so when times are hard.   If you are an asshole all the time with no empathy for people, we won’t work well together.

My partner must be an animal lover cause I want to adopt all the puppies and kitties of the world, they need to embrace this feeling but also remind me we can’t take every animal home.

I want them to have some similar interest as me, but I want them to have interest different than I do.  I want a partner who can teach me things.  It can be something simple like how to use a grill or how to make a bomb ass cheesecake.

I want a partner who is God fearing & has a relationship with him, however that doesn’t mean going to church every Sunday.  I believe we have a relationship with our creator in a multitude of ways.

I want a partner who has goals, ambition, & a great work ethic.  Their motivation and drive should push me to be an even better person than I imagined I could be.

Sexually, I want a partner who is dominant, sadistic, not afraid to show their affection & love for me.  One who would like to be monogamous cause sharing isn’t always caring.  I don’t wanna be the lead our relationship.  I want a voice, I wanna be heard, and I wanna know at the end of the day decisions are going to be made to benefit the both of us in the best way possible.

I desire a partner who believes in honesty and transparency.   Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Follow through.  I am willing to meet you half way but damn I am not putting in all the work.  “If you want me, earn me!!”

Lastly,  what drives me to get to know a person better and be in a relationship with them stems from my intuition.  I can’t explain it, but there is something inside of me that speaks to me & pushes me to get to know about another person.  It is almost an instantaneous feeling.  And these are the reasons that warrants me not allowing you to “hook me up” with someone because you don’t really know me.

Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

What feels right in your soul…..late night ramblings

What sits or feels right in your soul?    Are you willing to pay a high cost for love?  Are you willing to over look potential flaws in a person for the sake of being with someone?  Are you willing to chase the person you desire in order to make them yours?  Are you willing to accept things that don’t sit well in your soul for the sake of your relationship or even potential relationship?

Desire, lust, and extreme like are all wonderful things when getting to know a person.  The hormones are flowing.  They are the most wonder person ever who is “so different” than the last person you were with.  And then a couple weeks, months, or even years roll by.   We start to notice the annoying things or they something out of left field that leaves you shook.  What the hell do you do then???

You know going to bathroom and leaving the toilet seat up is one thing or even hanging the toilet paper the wrong way is a flaw but I can over look that cause you gotta pee too.  However, leaving me full of doubt, insulting my friends/family, insulting me, physically abusing me (for the average slow Joe, there is a huge difference between consensual BDSM and abuse), or psychologically damaging me because you can are an absolute fuck no!!

“If you are entering into a relationship with another person looking to change them, they are going to resent you for it in the long run.”  My therapist told me that and I found out from both perspectives over time that is the most accurate statement known to man.  We should accept a person for who they are in the beginning but we have hope.  Sometimes we believe we are the person who can change their life.   Here me when I say this because it has taken a few months to sink in for me:  “A person will NOT change until they are ready to make a change.”  Read that sentence again, read it slow.  Let that marinate in your mind.

When a person is ready to meet you half way, they will do it.   When you are a ready to meet a person half way, you will do it.  If you want to change, do it for you.   Trying to adapt to someone else’s belief or ideal of what you should be is a disaster waiting to happen.

We try and push for guys to like us, go out with us, hell accept us in the skin we are in because damn it do you know how scary it is in this world to stand up and say, “I love myself the way I am.”  No addendum.  No apology.  We need to listen to our inner self more.  We need to be better at setting boundaries and walking away from things that don’t serve us anymore.  Or how about this novel concept?   Finding a partner who loves all the pieces and shards of glass that make us who we are today.  Accepting some of our flaws, but knowing when to walk away from behavior, thoughts, and actions that don’t line up with what we want.    Late night ramblings………….

Uncertainty and wanting substance

My interest in kink has dwindled over the past few weeks, yet I know I am in total need of a reset.  I need a beating like yesterday to calm my nerves & make me not as bitchy or sensitive as I have been lately.

Why has my interest in kink sort of tapered off?  I am not really sure.  My work schedule is crazy & it is hard keeping up with dates of kink events on my calendar along with fitting in workout dates, preparing for a competition, and dealing with a decline in energy.  I find myself sleeping more than normal lately.

My role as a submissive/masochist doesn’t bother me but once in a great while I can’t help but wonder: do my sexual needs prevent me from finding the right partner for me?  Not only do I want a man who is intelligent, has a wicked sense of humor, is affectionate, secure, and understands some days I need to be held and other days I just need a moment to cry without you necessarily fixing it, but I also want one who is dominant, knows the difference between being a dominant & a dominate, sadistic, but also possessive and loving.  I feel like the movie Singles when Bridget Fonda said her dating list was scaled down to “someone to say bless you when I sneeze.”  – Sidenote: If you haven’t seen that movie, please do! It’s an awesome 90’s movie I have owned in VHS and now DVD.

Maybe the stars have aligned and heard my cries because I have had a few incidents of guys wanting to ask me out or declare the attraction to me.  However, I am talking with a guy I met on kinky social website who decided to strike up a conversation with me.   We have talked for a week or so & though we have talked everyday, multiple times a day, I feel like he isn’t saying anything of substance.  You want me to open up but I am careful with opening up to people regardless (probably why I have been pegged as a bitch by many) of interest.  I will talk about main/important things, but I am not laying out my entire life story for you in a week.   I do want to get into the dirt & raw grit of a person but that happens over time, not in a day or week.   What keeps you up at night?   What drives you personally and professionally?   What are you looking for long term in a relationship?   What is one event that helped shaped who you are today?  Questions like that.  It’s nice to be told I am sexy and beautiful.  But what else do you know about me besides my kinks and you want to slide your penis inside of my vagina?

Overly complimentary has never won me over.    However, let’s not confuse this with I pick great sensitive men either.   Nope I pick men other people probably deem an asshole – but then that always made wonder what in the hell does that say about me.  They mean what they say & when they give me a compliment, it is truly heartfelt and meaningful.  Usually, they are an asshole to others, but very protective of me.  Anyway,  I should be ecstatic that this guy wants go to dinner and talk but I am not over the moon.  Talking doesn’t mean having your face between my legs after dinner.  Maybe I am not being as open as I could be because the vibe isn’t right.  It could also be because I still have lingering feelings for another who has missed his chance due to just not acting on it.   Maybe I am just unsure of what I need or desire anymore.   Maybe my tolerance for BS is at an all time low.   *sigh* I just want to get to know someone where things don’t feel forced.

Breaking a cardinal rule usually leads to moments of insecurity

If you read my previous post, you know I decided to be brave for twenty seconds & send a message to the guy I have a crush on which lead to us exchanging numbers & us both expressing the desire to hang out together.  YAY!!!!    So let’s start with some truths on how I feel & why this isn’t going exactly as I envisioned.

Truth: I really like this man & desire to get to know more about him.  It’s been ages since a man has caught my attention in a way that learning more about him supersedes the idea of having a sexual/physical relationship with him.

Truth:  I have been told I’m really an amazing woman & any man would be lucky to have me as his, however what most people don’t realize is if I truly like a guy I turn from a seductive, flirtatious woman into the most lovable, but adorkable woman ever cause you know I’m kind of nerdy.

Truth:  I broke my own cardinal rule – never date or pursue an individual you work with because you don’t need those kind of problems when trying to earn your paycheck.

We have had a few conversations via text and have learned some things about each other.   We don’t make it obvious we are trying to develop a friendship outside of work.   However, there are a couple of things that are bothering me: (1) I’m the person who has to initiate conversation.   He responds back and will chat for hours with me but I feel like I am chasing him & that isn’t exactly something I find sexy.   (2) He hasn’t asked me out for coffee, dinner, lunch, nothing.  I am not trying to rush him, but at the same time you can’t get to really know a person if you don’t engage in some form or fashion.

Officially I have decided not to text him first anymore.   I want to know what your interest level really is.   I don’t think men go through the effort of making a gift on the fly for just anyone.   And I am trying very hard to not go to a place of self criticism or self blame.   But it is hard not to think – is it me?   Did I say something offensive and wasn’t aware of it?  Did I miss read your intentions & you just desire to be friends only?   Are you not physically or sexually attracted to me?  Is it because I am chubby, tall, or awkward?

Maybe self criticism/blame is easiest for me because of asshole guys I have dated in the past who made me think I was too much.  I was awkward, I was desirable but only if it wasn’t well known they liked me, I was too demanding, I had too many rules/standards, or some other bullshit excuse of why I was the problem.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of a potential relationship working out.  I have a fear that no matter how long I am with a person eventually they are going to leave me.   Perhaps it stems from my childhood issues with my father.  Perhaps it is because I have given the best of myself to some guys who didn’t appreciate me & left me for what they believed to be greener pastures (only to try to return later on).

*takes a breath*  I am trying to remain calm, cool, & collected. I am trying to remember that I actually took a chance on someone I really liked & if it doesn’t work out how I hoped, I don’t have to wonder what could have been.   *grumbles*  See this is why you don’t express interest in people you work with.   This situation has me completely out of my comfort zone.

 

Sometimes you just need to be brave for 20 seconds…..

Recently I celebrated my birthday & I wasn’t really expecting much from the day.   Another year older & perhaps another year wiser.   I had to work for part of my birthday which doesn’t bother me.   I was sitting at the desk when the man I have had a crush on for months walked in.   He said hi, handled official business, and then stopped to hold an actually, long conversation with me.

We talked about our lives & what it is like to date now versus when we were growing up.   He isn’t looking for a hook up.  This is a man I haven’t encountered in a long while.  One who appreciates the art of dating.  He wants coffee dates where you discuss life and family, he wants to go to dinner & movies.  He doesn’t believe in kissing a girl til after a few dates.  He wants to actually learn about the person.   I didn’t think it was possible to be even more smitten with this man but I was so wrong.  I told him it was my birthday & he wished me a happy one.  It also gave him a chance to ask how old I was & me to ask him in return – we are in the right age bracket for dating each other.   Our conversation was going well & we both had forgotten about work until his phone rang with an emergency call & he had to leave suddenly.

*sigh*  I had to go check on a few things and started working again myself.  I returned to my area to see a gift on the desk.   It was wrapped and decorated.   I kind of looked around at my co-workers and asked which one of you did this?   Everyone said, wasn’t me.  Inside I knew who it was but I just couldn’t believe it.   Then I saw the notes & candy.   Not only are you a good man. You are creative and thoughtful.   I was speechless and all I could do was smile.   I sent him a message thanking him for the gift.

Throughout the night I kept thinking of taking the chance and giving him my number along with a sweet message.   I typed a message and would just close my screen on my phone.  All sorts of things went through my mind:  what if I am misreading his signals?  What if he isn’t interested? What if he is just being nice?   What happens if he says no?    After a while I was sitting there looking at the gift, smiling, looked at the message I typed, took a breath, & hit send.   And I immediately became nauseous.  What the hell did I just do?   I am not that girl.  I am not that brave.   This is not like me to act this way towards a guy I really like.  He’s gonna say no & laugh at me.   (Yes, I am a drama queen of worse case scenario).

An hour later I received a message & once again I was speechless.  He is interested and would love to go out sometime.  We exchanged numbers and I am so glad he isn’t standing in front of me because I am smiling so hard and blushing.   I was brave for 20 seconds, took a chance & it went better than expected. I am excited to hang out with him and get to know him better. I don’t know if he is kinky & honestly I don’t think I care.   But those are discussions we will have down the road.   Maybe he will turn out to be a great friend or perhaps so much more.  All I know is I have to remember how to officially date & wait.   After that, the day just got better and better.  If this is any indication of my year, it is going to be one amazing  year for sure.  Now, I have to go wipe this stupid grin off my face.