It’s been a while….time for some changes!!

So, for some reason, it has been incredibly difficult to make myself sit down & write about the last few months.  Obviously, writing isn’t a difficult task for me, however, processing my emotions & thoughts about various things over the last couple of months has been challenging.  I’m going to give it a shot, let’s dive into it. 

Life –  Working critical care has been my dream since my first rotation working surgical ICU in nursing school.  Critical care is challenging but so rewarding in ways I can’t even start to describe.  However, there are sacrifices made along the way: missing special family/friend events because you work every other weekend, working major holidays, working opposite the rest of the world, and forcing your body to go against it’s normal rhythms.  

My belief is God will make situations so uncomfortable, you will eventually make a change on your own (or he’ll do it for you).  I didn’t respect my manager, I resented having more and more responsibilities placed on me without discussion, & I craved to have more of a work-life balance.   Change is hard.  However, transitioning to a new job with daytime hours, majority of weekends off, and in a different specialty was the best decision I could have made.  It has afford me the opportunity to spend time with friends/family, go to events, and more.  

Despite these changes, it took me almost a month to break out of the monotonous routine that had taken over my life for the past two years which was: work – sleep – stay home – repeat.  Two friends were hosting events in the month of April.  Supporting both friends was important to me, but I’ll be honest – I was reluctant to leave my home to attend these events.  Love my people, had missed them, wanted to see them, and support their events, however, in my mind living a “normal” life seemed almost surreal.  

Event #1: Camping – Camping isn’t my vibe. Glamping – absolutely, however, where the event is hosted is a very primitive campground.  I’ve gone camping the traditional way a few years ago at this campground. It wasn’t the worse experience, but let me share a secret – my ass is older, sleeping on the ground is not meant for me, and I’m into modern day conveniences like electricity & indoor plumbing with a few steps.  Another friend was going & we decided to share an Airbnb close to the site,

This was my first kink event in a while.  My nervous energy was high – would I still feel a connection with people?  Has my position on kink changed?  Are people just tolerating my presence versus genuinuely being happy I’m there?   Not doing anything kink related in years I started questioning if I was still connected to that part of myself. Would I get here, and absolutely hate every second of being here.   Moments of negativity and doubt because to quote a famous Staind song – “It’s been a while” – *takes a deep breath* 

The weekend was such an amazing experience.  The presenters were phenomenal.  Lots of information to digest & ponder.  Sharing space, time, and energy with old friends while making new connections.  I hadn’t felt that kind of peace since being in Hawaii for my birthday.    What surprised me was the shift in relationships between various people.  The old adage remains true: some relationships come into our lives for a reason, others a season, and some for a lifetime.  Overall, I walked away from the weekend with a fullness in my heart I didn’t realize was missing.  

Event #2: Spring Fling – Two weeks later, it was time to attend another friend’s event.  She called me a few weeks prior to the even to ask if I would be a backup demo doll if the first person couldn’t do it.  I agreed figuring I wouldn’t be needed.  Fast forward about a week before the event – the original person couldn’t be there.  I hide my nerves well, but I had reservations: (a) do I still have a high pain tolerance?  It had been a while since I had done anything so that question always comes to mind – who wants to be a disappointment. (b) body issues – most people within my kink community has seen me naked for a presentation.  I’m harder on myself because I have soft parts, thick thighs, full breasts, and more.  Societies beauty standards aren’t exactly obtainable for many of us. 

Sidenote: Over the years, I’ve learned women are the harshest critics of their own body.  We never seem to be satisfied.  Maybe we should extend ourselves & each other a little more grace. 

All of the presentations were fabulous.  Amazingly, I’m still a masochist with a decent pain tolerance ūüėČ   It was so heart warming to see friends I’ve known for years.  People I rarely get to see because of distance.  And surprising a person with a well earned vest.   After the presentations, we got to sit and socialize.  Sharing stories, laughs, and experiences.  The people, the energy, the love hit my soul in the best way possible.  I felt the need to express my gratitude for this time shared & getting to see people in person.  One problem, as I started to express myself, this thing called emotions welled up inside of me & I started crying.  I’m not sure if my words were even comprehensible.

WTF!!!  So, fun fact – I’m not a person who cries often & especially not in public.  No one at that table can truly understand what the last few weeks really meant to me.  When the pandemic hit, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be alive to have these moments/experiences.  Never had I ever been scared in my career until the start of Covid.  People were dying at a rate I’ve never seen before.  We weren’t sure if we would have enough PPE to do our jobs.  Myself & others started thinking about our mortality.  I wrote an email for my mother with instructions & phone numbers – who to call with updates outside of family, what I wanted done with my body, policies I had, etc.  Everything she would have needed if I caught the disease in the early stages of the pandemic.    Those tears were tears of gratitude, grief, relief, and pure love just being able to have the simple moment of shared space & time.  The event concluded with breakfast the next morning with some of my favorite people.  

Men –  As I stated in a previous writing – no, I’m not dating anyone.   So, no dating – a person attempting to waste my time – I assume because he was horny.  *shrugs*  Interestingly, I’ve been messaging with a guy on a certain website for almost 3 months.  I initiated contact because his profile was well written & it caught my attention. I wasn’t flirtatious or salacious – just a simple hello and compliment on his profile.  It started simply with asking questions of each other, and messaging often.   We have been low key flirty which I guess I should have seen coming because when you talk to someone for a while your curiosity levels are going to rise. It’s hard to gauge someone you haven’t met, talked to on the phone, or seen.  We agree there is a lot we want to know, but feel like it won’t translate until we meet in person.  He peaks my interest.  His messages make me smile.  He has found my mind which is starting to disturb my body parts below.  Am I curious?? – Yes, but you always worry about whether you will find each other attractive or am I rushing it or what if something doesn’t translate in person.

So, it apparently takes three years

Tonight, I found myself tossing and turning in bed. My mind running in a million different directions.  So, why not have a hot tea & do what I enjoy the most……….write. 

So, what is the hell is bothering me?  Apparently, it is my lack of participation in the kink community & overall suppression of my desires for the past THREE YEARS!   *sigh*  Yep, it’s been three years since I’ve desired to participate in anything BDSM related.  To be fair, you can only endure so much emotional pain & heartache until calling “RED” on the entire situation.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve attended a handful of events over the years to catch up with friends that I’ve made over the years.   I’ve played once in that time, but my whole heart wasn’t into it.  Once the pandemic hit, my focused shifted to surviving each day.   I made a promise to lots of people that I wasn’t going to die while taking care of others with Covid.  However, when all you do is come home to an empty apartment & work for two years – you learn how to live in solitude.  You forget there is life outside the four walls of home & the hospital.   

Well, what the hell is the problem?  Lately, I feel a desire growing deep within me.  The energy is almost haunting me, taunting me.  Feeling the need to submit, the need to be hurt (in ways I consent to of course), the need to hear a commanding voice, the need to be used sexually, and ultimately the need to just lose control.   I find my mind drifting away to thoughts of spankings, whips, canes, bondage, orgasm denial/control, begging, rough body play, and so much more.  I miss the weight of a person pressed against me Рthat weight can come from either their body pressed on mine or the weight of a boot pressed against various parts of my body.

So, what are you going to do about it?  Probably not a damn thing.  Perhaps I’m in denial, but I’m hoping these overwhelming feelings & thoughts will temper down.  Am I actively looking for anything? – Nope.  Would I be opposed to something happening if the right circumstances &/or person fell into my life? – Probably not.  Part of it is fear, part of it my own self doubt, & most of it is just life experiences.  Some of my previous relationships just went to shit in unimaginable ways.  I’m self conscious cause apparently the new trend is to find a submissive as young (within the legal limits of the law), thin, and Caucasian as possible.  I’m older and shockingly some people don’t love the chocolate skin or lovely softness I have.  

Other times, I’m unsure if genuine D/s or M/s connections still exist.  Many, many years ago, I had a Dominant who taught me I was the most desirable, beautiful, amazing creature on this planet.  (Disagreeing with these facts was grounds for punishment – so obviously they were gospel truths).  There were rules in place, punishments, fun-ishments, care/concern, great sex, expectations to be my personal best, and so much more.  The most important of all these things was the courage & confidence he built within me.  He made me feel like I was capable of taking on the world.  Do these sort of connections exist anymore?   Is it even worth trying to put yourself out there?   When I figure out that answer, I’ll let you know.  I guess for now, it doesn’t hurt to start coming out to more events when possible because I miss my people. 

Growth & change through friendships

Last couple of days, I’ve been thinking about past friendships &/or relationships.   It’s almost amusing how various situations & interactions can shape our outlook of life even today.  I haven’t always had a high self worth.  Over the years, I’ve done things I’m not proud of and tolerated fake relationships longer than needed. I have also learned how to stand in my own truth & not be afraid to establish boundaries. I’m still a work in progress, but a lot of things started changing in my late 20’s.

Things I’m not proud of:  Regretfully, I admit that for a few years I had relationships with married men.  It took me years to honestly look at why I was engaging in these types of relationships.  I never dealt with the emotional pain, hurt, and suffering I had from my first relationship falling apart.  I just knew this was my person.  He loved me, but didn’t want to face his family’s criticism for dating a black woman.  For years, I based it on my weight, looks, not being feminine enough, & other ridiculous shit because those things are fixable.  If I could just fix those things – he would love me, right?!?

I yearned to be desired, to feel¬†sexy, & loved.¬† ¬†I was searching for someone to make me whole again.¬† I was looking for anything or anyone that could numb that empty feeling.¬† Giving myself to someone who was unavailable would at least minimize¬†the heartbreak because they were never mine to begin with and I knew that from the start.¬† *sigh* Oh, if only I could go back in time & properly heal that hurt version of myself.¬† I may not have hurt others.¬† However, I learned a lot about myself.¬† I learned, with a therapist, how to set healthy boundaries.¬† I learned it’s okay to feel broken at times.¬† It’s okay to need time to heal.¬† It’s also okay to mourn the lost of unrealized expectations. But, you aren’t going to find completion in the arms or bed of another man.¬† You are going to set yourself up to be manipulated and used if you aren’t careful though.¬†

Guise of “love/friendship”: “I don’t care about your problems, this is about me.”  This statement didn’t come as a surprise.  Another friend & I had a discussion weeks prior how we noticed this person only reached out to us when she needed something, wanted to complain, or didn’t have plans with a guy.   She was never calling to check on you, never allowing you to vent, & there was always drama.  I decided that night to try and discuss the issues going on in my life cause we are suppose to be friends & I was dealing with some real issues.  After she made that statement, she quickly apologized & continued to talk about herself.   I had been thinking for months about ending our friendship cause it was so one-sided.  We hung in there a few more months before we stopped talking altogether due her recent marriage & my career taking off.  I realized I want a fake friendship with her friend &/or our former acquaintance. 

Oh, our former acquaintance was just as toxic.  Very high and mighty.   She figured one day she would be a doctor & married which gave her the right to be an asshole basically.  One day out of the blue she told me – “You won’t ever get married. I mean you could be in a committed relationship, but I don’t see you as the marrying kind.” (I mean seeing as I’m not married, she might be right.  LOL).  I tried to like her, but she rubbed me the wrong way & my intuition wasn’t feeling it.  After she got married, she found out through our I was sleeping with a married man.  Of course, we just couldn’t be friends because “no self-respecting woman would do such a thing.” And what if I tried having an affair with her husband – I can guarantee all of you; No one wanted her husband except her.  He’s an entire asshole. 

Anyway, I also learned people who talk a lot of shit about you, they are the ones on that same bullshit or worse cause she was having multiple affairs on her husband while he was on duty overseas.  She wanted to reconnect a few months later, but I wasn’t feeling it & didn’t give a fuck to ever speak to her again.  Both people made me realize – I don’t have the time for fake relationships.  And to trust your intuition about people.  Some people aren’t meant to have a place in your life.

Standing in your truth: One friendship that meant the world to me was a guy I met in high school.  Tony was outspoken, flamboyant, talented, stood in his truth, and was openly bisexual.  He would lovingly call me Pollyanna because I was extremely na√Įve, a virgin who got scared at the idea of kissing, smart, cute, but definitely wasn’t confident in herself.  He started my brain into thinking of sexuality as something normal to think about.  He reminded me sex wasn’t necessarily black and white but a whole spectrum of grey & fabulous colors in between.  He hated when I was so negative about myself – he would remind me I was beautiful & attractive.   He hated me getting caught up with guys that made me insecure so much so he would forbid me to even speak about it when it got in my head & made me crazy. 

Within our 15 year friendship, we had our ups and down.  Sometimes from his bipolar episodes & other times from things that were insignificant.  One of those was the judgement/comparison of us in terms of…..I don’t even know what to call it.  I remember we took a trip to New Orleans for shopping and looking around the city.  There was a boutique called the Voluptuous Vixen I wanted to go shopping at because nothing like it had ever existed in my life time for a plus size girl where you shop in a fancy boutique with clothes not from Lane Bryant or cheaply made.  Then we went to the Buffalo Exchange and a couple thrift stores for him.  Later, he told me, he didn’t think we could be friends because our levels weren’t the same.  It made me feel guilty about wanting to have nicer, more expensive things.  However, I realized, that there’s nothing wrong with me wanting to have nice things.  We just have different views on what is important monetary wise & that’s okay as long as I’m not pressuring you to be one way and vice versa.  We eventually worked things out & I’m glad we did.  He loved me flaws and all.  He taught me how to be brave, bold, and set boundaries over the years.  He taught me life will always have it’s ups and downs.  Sadly, he died in 2009.   I just hope he realizes how much I loved & appreciated him. 

Happy New Year – Welcome to 2022!!

*waves*  Happy 2022 to everyone.  Now, with the pleasantries out of the way, let me say – damn, it’s been a while. Honestly, I haven’t allowed myself the opportunity to sit down & write about the different experiences going on in my world.   Let’s see if I catch you up on what’s been happening (& yes I’ll try to write about some experiences later).

Obviously, I been working cause these bills don’t pay themselves.  However, I’ve considered a career change away from healthcare cause this shit is wild.  Traveled to Hawaii for my birthday – all I can say is breathtaking, beautiful, and surreal.  Had a surprise visitor that dropped multiple bomb shells – I wasn’t ready.  I’m still not ready.   Watched some amazing people push through some challenging times & survived with grace.

Let’s clear the air – I haven’t started writing because it’s a new year’s resolution.  Just decided to come back to something I love doing & because Christmas gave me an unexpected gift in more ways than one. 

Working the holiday comes with the territory of working healthcare.  Unfortunately, my current job stresses me the fuck out – not the work, but management or the lack thereof.  Woke up Christmas eve & thought: “Ugh, all I want to do is stay home, watch Christmas movies, & listen to Christmas music.”   But adulting responsibilities win cause I’m bougie & enjoy nice things.  Got to work & started feeling bad.  I thought it was sinuses.  I was trying to talk one of the docs downstairs into writing me a Z-pack and steroids.  They swabbed me just to be safe.  *drumroll*……………I tested Covid positive which results in a 10 day mandatory quarantining (now 5 days, thanks CDC).    Thankful that my symptoms were mild, some coughing, sneezing, and nasal congestion.  Felt bad for about 4 days & then started feeling exponentially better each day.  

Catching Covid definitely wasn’t in the plans & messed up my holiday plans.  However, quite a few silver linings have emerged from this unexpected illness. 

(1) My mother is safe.  I was planning to come home, after working multiple shifts, in order to celebrate the new year with her.  Devastated is the only word I can use to describe how I’d felt if I got her sick. 

(2) Time to appreciate my apartment/home.  I picked my apartment online, drove over on a day off to see the place, & signed the paperwork within a couple of hours.  It’s in a safe area, it had many of things I desired. However, sometimes I wish I looked at more places, realized this places lacked ceiling fans when I toured, gotten an additional bedroom, &/or picked a place with modern, upgraded amenities. 

But, while laying in bed recovering in the comfort of my home, I looked at my home with a different appreciation.   Blessed to be in a place I love – love how I’ve organized & decorated.  Appreciative of my comfort creatures.  Appreciative of my space.  This place provides everything I need.   Sometimes, we forget to be thankful for our blessings.  It’s important to remember, there are many who are less fortunate that would happily take our place. 

(3) Enjoying the morning without a rush.  I don’t get the opportunity to enjoy waking up without rushing to work or an appointment.  This week, I got to do what I love – getting out of the bed & opened the blinds.  I love the natural light coming through my window & sliding doors.  Turning on the TV for the morning news.  Making a cup of coffee & a light breakfast.  Then I get to sit on the couch & look outside the window.  Just enjoying the start of the day – no rush, no fuss, just the calmness of the day.  

(4) Appreciating my health.  I try to honor my body as best I can – even though this bitch don’t love me back like she should (thank PCOS & all the things you bring with it: hair loss, weight gain, insulin resistance, sleep apnea, etc).  I digress – my symptoms weren’t nearly as bad as it could have been (thank you vaccine/booster).  Also, thank you for advances in medicine to treat & fight this disease.  

(5) My tribe.  I’m surrounded by some amazing people who shows me love.  People I can rely on when I’m not running on all cylinders.  People who call or text just to ensure I’m improving & doing well.  A great friend who brought me food or medicine so I didn’t have to leave home for anything.  Family who video called me daily.  I have some good people in my world.

2021 has come to an end & I’m thankful for the adventures, memories, and more.  2022 – we start optimistic.  Hopeful for an opportunity to do more of what we love with the people we love.  Until the next time. 

Finding my new normal

Confession – I miss life pre-pandemic & probably not for the reasons assumed.  Everyone has faced difficulties throughout the pandemic.  However, as a healthcare worker, the things I’ve seen & experienced on a constant, non-relenting basis have changed me.   Often we are written off by others who can’t understand our experience: “everyone had a difficult time during the pandemic”, “at least you were able to interact with other people”, &/or “well, you signed up for this.”   Interesting perspectives especially since: (a) no one signed up for this as a healthcare worker.  We got through it because we had to.  Many people were forced from their jobs due to underlying health conditions.  Some died before their time.  Others were sick & out of work for months/indefinitely.   (b) Yes, I did get to see my co-workers who were stressed, concerned about exposing their family to this disease process, working on arrangements in case something happened, & us relying on each other because we were at war against a disease we knew nothing about.  (c) Everyone suffer in their own way, however, how many people did you see die each day, week, or over the months?  How many tears of fear did you see?  How many people did you see struggling to catch their breath?  How many developed poor coping mechanisms to survive.

Pre-pandemic, I enjoyed going out to events, exploring around the city to see new things, & working out with friends.  Today, I’m scared of going out to many places.  I went home for a wedding recently.  My mom took me out for lunch & I could enjoy it cause mentally I’m thinking their isn’t enough space between people.  How many of these folks are really vaccinated or practicing to reduce the risk of infection.  I take calculated risk, but after 18 months of conditioning – it’s hard to allow myself permission to return to normal events.  You feel isolated, alone, and without support.   You feel like relationships/friendships are different because you are changed.  I haven’t had time for social zoom meetings & I work every other weekend with the pressure to work more shifts because of short staffing.   Articles refer to it as PTSD for healthcare workers – we are burned out, tired, leaving healthcare entirely, drinking more frequently than usual, and so much more.  I’m a better nurse/co-worker than friend or lover.  I miss who I was before this pandemic scarred me.  Maybe I will lose some friendships/relationships along the way just because of this change in me.  For now, I still have to remain a healthcare professional in high stress situations slowly trying to find a new balance to feel semi-normal again.   

People don’t fundamentally change

“People don’t fundamentally change.”  I’m a firm believer in this statement.  Actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately,  my older brother is a reason why I hold this belief.  From a young age, he has always attempted to exploit people, then later it moved to the system.  I can remember him asking me to co-sign for a car for him in my early 20’s, before I really understood the financial weight of such an action, with the stipulation of not telling our mother.   I felt uneasy about it & called my bestie who reaffirmed why I shouldn’t do it & we told my mother.  

I also can remember his desire to impress other people.¬† Telling girls he was interested in he studied at UC Berkeley.¬† Driving a fancy import sports car & wearing designer clothes so people would think he had more than he did.¬† Status has always been important to him – needing Gucci sunglasses, $900 shoes, or a Rolex watch.¬† I can remember him chiding me for purchasing a brand new Honda because as a professional I need to be riding around in a Mercedes Benz or BMW because people needed to be impressed with what I drove & know my “status in life.”¬†

A few years ago, my brother went through a divorce with a lovely young woman who had a great career & was someone you would enjoy as an addition to your family.  She left him because she found out that he had lied to her about pretty much everything.  I figured that situation & him losing so much would change his outlook on life.  Our mother helped him out by co-signing a car loan for him & giving him a credit card for emergencies.  She was hopeful he would start turning his life around; I was a little skeptical but my mom wanted to help. 

Fast forward to present day:  My mother and I were on the phone & she was discussing some things that were upsetting her in regards to my brother.  He has ran up the credit card my mom had to over $10,000 – she disabled the account & is making him pay down that debt.  He is refusing to pay his car note on time – which my mother handles since the car is in her name.  Apparently, attempted to buy some electronics on the card my mother closed & keeps trying to convince her he needs this card back in his possession since he is having to pay down the debt.  He has yelled at our mom telling her “no one asked you to help me” – false cause he cried and said, “you are the only family I got.” 

 He recently met got married (the legality of this marriage is debatable but that is another story) & she moved back into her place due to my brother’s behavior.  He was verbally abusing her, stealing money from her purse, drinking heavily, & trying to control her interactions with friends/family including her daughter.   Once again, buying designer/luxury items instead of taking care of his financial responsibilities.  Claiming to be the victim in this entire situation & blaming others for his issue – usually those issues lead back to me.  How is this possible you may ask yourself?!?

My mother calls it jealousy.  I don’t know what to call it, but his reasoning is our mother gave me a better opportunity & didn’t kick me out of the house at 18.  Facts – my mother didn’t kick me out at 18, however, I followed the established rules of the house.  I was in college and working a part-time job.  And there was a lot of trauma & drama in our house before she decided it was better for him to be on his own because he wanted to dominate her & me.  She set him up with all the things need when on your own.  It wasn’t up to his standards so he didn’t stay in the place she set up. 

We have never been close & I’m deemed the selfish/mean one of the family.  I have firm boundaries & I don’t believe that blood is thicker than water (& PS: my tolerance for bullshit just gets worse the older I get).   So, now momma is more than likely going to be stuck with a bill she didn’t create.  I already told her if he stops paying for the car – let them repossess it.  She can’t afford/isn’t allowed to financially assist him any further (she would never put herself in a bind, but it is re-establishing boundaries).  And I’m just annoyed at this situation – his lack of responsibility – his greed – his manipulation – his lying – his entitlement.  I knew it before, but this just reinforces, if our mother needed anything I would have to be the one to figure it out.  He continues to not be dependable nor responsible.  People don’t fundamentally change & I’m still not here for his bullshit.  

Pick – Marriage or Career

Other night at work, I was having a discussion with a colleague about a multitude of different topics, but somehow we ended up on the subject of relationships versus having a career.  We are close in age, both of us are successful in our careers, well-educated, funny, caring, charismatic, & engaging women.  She’s been married once & I’ve never been married.  During our discussion, we both agreed on an old saying that basically goes: you either establish a career or obtain a husband, the odds of having both are usually slim.   

Being a woman from the South – the pressure of getting married and having children before the age of 25 is real.  College wasn’t always about obtaining a bachelors degree or higher, many ladies decided to go to college to land the ever coveted MRS degree.  A former college friend was obsessed with the MRS degree – when she found someone, she wasn’t head over heels in love.  “He isn’t great in bed. His penis isn’t a good size for me. He’s bigger than I would want in a partner.  He doesn’t check all the boxes, but he likes me.”  She settled so she wouldn’t be single in her late 20’s anymore.  After she got married, she dropped out of college and continued working at the job she had.

Before people get their panties in a bunch let me say – I’m not knocking whatever choice a person makes but in my opinion women who opt out of the status quo of marriage & having babies seem to be judged by a different set of standards.  For example: as a single woman in her late 30’s – I’m constantly told, “You need to have at least one baby.” “Why aren’t you married?” “You are such a good person, someone is out there waiting for you.” You know you make good money & are independent.  Some men aren’t going to like that about you.” Despite the fact I’m accomplished in my career, able to provide for myself, enjoy traveling, have multiple hobbies, and delight in having new adventures in life – Myself and others like me are primarily judged on if there is a ring on our finger or how many children we can produce.  

However, being single is 1000% better than having a piece of shit man at home.   Physical abuse, verbal abuse, being treated as less than a person, or enduring fucked up mental games is something that won’t be tolerated.  I’ve been treated as a walking fetish and been asked to endure some next level craziness over the years. Being open to dating men from different ethnicities also means acknowledging things that are different and uncomfortable to reach a true level of understanding.  For example: I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain dating a black person doesn’t give you a pass on using derogatory words in their presence.  NO –  you can’t say colored, ni**er, or darkie.  If you are brazen enough to say this in front of me, I don’t even want to imagine what you are saying about me in your head or when I’m not around.  NO – you can’t dictate my experiences as a black person in America.  NO – despite that fact I’m fat & kinky, I’m not a walking stereotype waiting to fulfill your fantasies.  NO – we can’t be together if you are going to be ashamed of me.  I demand genuine affection, love, and respect.

My colleague said she feels that old saying is true, “It’s lonely at the top.”   She expressed the desire to find a partner who would love all the pieces & parts of her.  Someone who admires her strengths, allows her to show her vulnerability, and returns the love equally she wishes to give.  I feel her on that sentiment.  Perhaps it is the stress of the pandemic weighing us down as health care providers.  Working under these stressful conditions for a year is difficult & there are many days I’ve also longed for understanding, a feeling of safety, love, support, cuddles, and comfort.  

So what’s the answer.   Honestly, as with all things in life, nothing is 100% black and white.   There are a multitude of grey areas. Can we have it all – successful career, loving relationship, ability to have outside interest, and the option of living a life with or without children?  Perhaps not.  Would it be nice?  Abs-fucking-lutely!!!  Does having “it all” require sacrifice on the part of the woman?  Men aren’t judged for establishing a career, being married or single, and no one is asking them if their biological clocks are ticking.  Do men secretly desire a woman with less ambition than themselves?   Do they crave traditional roles & hate women who are outside of those norms?   

Does looks dictate who is worthy of love?  Because honestly, black women are seen as the least desirable ethnicity of women because of the following stereotypes: we are too fat, too loud, too aggressive, too scary, too demanding, our hair doesn’t compare to women from other ethnicities, we aren’t submissive enough, & the list could go on. Apparently we are just a walking NO on multiple levels by men of all ethnicities.  *shrugs*  I’m sure some men could relate in different ways.  I’m sure others have a story as well.  Once again – LOTS of grey areas of discussion that could be had.

There are fates worse than death

Lately, I have been thinking of death.  Actually, it’s probably more a person’s life experience within the last few days or weeks prior to them leaving this realm of life.  I’m not super religious, but I believe in God & that Jesus died for our sins.   I also believe everyone’s journey with God is different & felt in different ways – for example, some people feel God through prayers, mediation, nature, music, silence, etc.  Death is a part of life.  People fear death and/or allowing others to transition to the next life for a variety of reasons.  However, there are fates worse than death.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my friend who died in 2019.  She was 34 years-old.  I loved her – actually she was more loved than I think she realized.  She was an amazing person/friend.  However, reflecting back over time, I can see unhappy and depressed she was in this life.  Most of her immediate family died a few years before she rejoined them in the heavens.  She felt alone & isolated.  I regret not visiting her in the Montgomery area after college – no reason as to why I didn’t go.   Last time we spoke, I remember her crying.  She was scared she had heart failure like her mother as and was going to die, but she said she couldn’t afford to go get examined.  She then said, “I don’t know why I’m still here.  I wish I could just go in my sleep.”  There was nothing to really say – in my gut, I knew she was tired of living.  She missed her mom, grandmother, grandfather, and aunt.  They were her support system over the years despite the craziness.   I offered to pay for her to go to see a physician – she said if she wasn’t feeling better by Monday, she would go.  I remember working that weekend and called her Monday morning – no answer.  I felt something was wrong, but I tried to shrug it off.   By that evening, despite being hundreds of miles away, I just knew.   After calling EMS, our other friend, and having to contact her cousin on social media – we finally got them to enter her home.  She has passed away.  I cried for our loss, but I also feel a sense of peace with her death.   She was finally at peace – free from loneliness, depression, worry, financial stress, health concerns, and other issues she was battling never spoken to us.  

Yesterday, I admitted a 90 year-old patient to the ICU post-cardiac/respiratory arrest.  First thought – why are we going to torture this lady which I stood by after learning she had multiple wounds, wasting, functional decline, and malignant breast cancer. (Yes, I know that sounds cruel, but I wish you could see these experiences through my eyes)  Second thought – she has probably lived a life we can’t even imagine – her experiences, her stories, the obstacles she overcame, and the changes seen in the world in her lifetime.  The family wanted her to be a full code which meant if her heart stopped again, I would have to pound on her frail chest – possibly breaking even more ribs, administer drugs, and hope to regain a pulse.   When she arrived I completed my assessment – there were no signs of life.  We were just keeping the body going until it decided to fail again.  No reflexes intact, pupils were fixed, and her body temperature was in the low 90s without intervention.  She died a few hours after I left.   Which made me happy for her – no more pain, no more decline, no more chemotherapy – peace, healing, and reuniting with those who had gone before her.  Though, I’m sure her family will be sad she is no longer here with them.

There are fates worse than death.   Feelings of isolation & loneliness, financial stresses in terms of paying for basic health care, functionally declining to the point you are bedbound, and/or forced to live on multiple machines to keep your failing body alive while wasting & being cognitively aware of your fate.   Hopefully, after suffering on this Earth for months or years, death is where so many of those people find peace/freedom from their physical and emotional pain.  

Welcome to 2021!!!!

2020 was a hell of a year for everyone:

– People losing jobs.

– People worried about their and/or loved ones health

– People depressed because of the lack of physical touch (hugs, kisses, and more)

– People unable to see family or friends

– People having to figure out a new normal with disease spreading across the globe

– People watching loved ones die

I stopped writing because my life was school, work, and coming home to decompress the weight of the world off my shoulders.  Navigating this new normal has been difficult.  I’m a girl who loves to travel and explore new cities.  I enjoy spending time with my friends at dinner or events.  I enjoy dressing up when I can because I’m a fucking critical care nurse – I wear scrubs most days of the week without make-up and now my hair in a cap.  Now, I sit at home.  Occasionally venturing out if it is safe enough outside.  I haven’t seen the inside of a Crossfit gym in over a year.  My knee might be thanking me for that currently since it is not at 100%.   I ended off 2020 taking the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine against Covid.  

Welcome to 2021!!!  – How are things progressing so far?!?

I’ve applied for a new job position within my current hospital system.  Bedside nursing isn’t for the weak.  And last year pushed many nurses to the breaking point.  I’m experienced & great at my job, but I’m also tired.  If I were to take this new job position, I would be working behind a computer screen.  Many have told me I would be bored and others have asked me not to leave the bedside because you need experienced nurses to help lead, but we get tired. Maybe I’m trying to jump ahead of the exiting curve because mark my words after this pandemic gets under control expect a mass exit of new & experienced nurses from the field.

School.  *shrugs*  It was fun while it lasted, but because of issues with the board of nursing and the university I was enrolled, I can’t go further in the program unless I move to that state.  I should be pissed off, upset, angry, whatever, but I’m calm & kind of grateful.  Full time school & full time work during a pandemic is stressful AF.  I needed a break more than I realized.  I learned a lot over the past year including I would be a good nurse practitioner.  I also learned I’m not a failure because I had to stop along this journey.   Everything falls into place at the right time.  This doesn’t mean I will stop pursuing my dream, but it is nice to allow myself the space to not feel pressured.  

PCOS health improvements are becoming a priority.  I’m speaking a little more openly about my PCOS because people are afraid to discuss the side effects and struggles.  Many health care professionals blow you off unless you want to get pregnant.  I was diagnosed with PCOS 23 years ago & no one can give you reliable, helpful information.  If you want it, you got to dig around the internet and read articles.  Anyway, 6 months ago got routine lab work done at my doctor’s office – my A1C was 6.4 (usually I’m 5.3 to 5.4)  pre-diabetic range.  I was surprised at first but shouldn’t have been.  I was stressed, eating or drinking my feelings down, and not exercising.   Made some improvements and my labs looked better.   Will start taking Ovasitol twice a day which has been clinically proven to help with PCOS symptoms.  I’m not looking to be a supermodel, I just would like my hair to grow in and inflammation to decrease.

Kink/sex.  I mean obviously I have to address that cause it’s one of the reasons I started writing this blog. *laughs* The real answer is not a damn thing on this front is happening.  I miss going to events, seeing friends, and it’s been so long since I’ve had a scene I probably wouldn’t be near as much fun as I use to be.  Sex is one of those I don’t even care at this point.  I will either adventure out and try a local penis or once it is safe to travel, fly out to Colorado for a week.  Honestly, what I desire more than anything is to lay down the heaviness of this past year and just cuddle in bed next to a person who makes me feel safe & secure for hours.   And yes I’m the little spoon.  

I promise I’m still kicking!!!

So, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually taken the time to sit down and write for myself.   Feels like a lot of things have been occurring for the last few months, but also feels like nothing is happening at the same time.

Most of my writing these days are for school – trust me not exciting and at times stressful.  Classes are going well.  I won’t lie – there are several days I feel stressed and overwhelmed.   Experience as a bedside nurse helps in some ways, but becoming an advanced practitioner is definitely a completely different role.   Currently, I’m completing some clinical hours with a physician I adore.  Our first night was crazy & he said he hoped this didn’t scare me away.  It was insane, but I enjoyed the change of pace.  However, at the end of this semester, my NP schooling could come to an end due to issues outside of my control.  I might see if I can find a program close to home and see if my credits will transfer so I can finish.   If not, exploring different job options may become a priority.  Critical care is what I love to do, but sometimes not enough resources are poured into safely, supporting bedside nurses.

Almost two years ago I moved to Louisiana.  These two years have been nothing like I imagined.  I moved here full of hope for my then poly family, new job with lots of opportunities to expand my knowledge, and plan to make some long lasting friendships here.   *shrugs* Achieving those three things may have been a bust.   Last year, some friends back home were semi teasing – “We miss you.  Just say the word we can get the van ready and move you back where you belong.”  LOL, there have been many times I wondered if that offer is still valid.    Now, most days this place feels like home.   However, my contract is up officially in January.   No that doesn’t mean I will be out of work in January – it means that I will be able to take another job within the system if I desire, stay in my current position, or move again if I desire.   The idea of picking up and moving is sometimes tempting.  I wonder if moving is my way of running away from the weight of me failing to live up to my own expectations or am I afraid of settling down in one place too long for fear of missing out on something.  

Being in the midst of a pandemic, definitely gives me incentive to stay at this time.  Though it has been hard to develop friendships or relationships (outside of work) or have fun – kink or otherwise.  Ever since March, I’ve worked hard to keep a low profile especially all we had was a unit full of Covid patients.  I just recently started going to the grocery store or doing low risk activities.  Finally went home after not seeing my mother for almost a year which did my soul a world of good.  I would love to see my other friends and family, but it is all about weighing the risks.  

As I mentioned on my last post in September, Jack and I are speaking on friendly terms for now.  His divorce hasn’t been the easiest to say the least.  Our conversations have unpacked parts of the past, looked at many ugly truths, and then turn fun & light-hearted.   Most days I enjoy us sharing how our days went, being open about our lives, and being comfortable together; Other days I’m guarded and hyper-aware of my words and actions.  

Do I love him?  Of course I do.  Unfortunately, I have the biggest heart & am usually willing to give a second chance with time.  I wish I could be a cold hearted monster, but the truth is if I loved you once, I will always care about and love you.  Plus as I always say, no person is all bad – he is funny, considerate, geeky, sensitive, has a heart he doesn’t always like to show, and has a decent taste in music.  We can be on the phone for hours with each other in a comfortable silence or talking about all sorts of things.   And he does feel absolutely disgusted & hurt about what happened last year. 

Am I in love with him?   *shrugs*  I use to be in love with him, but my love for him in that capacity faded long before our relationship ended last year.  When his wife told me last year he never wanted to have an intimate relationship with me – I honestly wasn’t upset because that desire had been gone.  Once again, I enjoy having sex but only with individuals who desire to have it with me.  It wasn’t like other relationships I had in the past where we were texting dirty pictures or sexting each other (the couple times I sent a semi dirty pic, it didn’t even feel right).  What I was most upset with was the dishonesty & dragging me into a situation when I clearly explained up front what I wanted from this relationship.  Some of my relationships over the years have been emotionally difficult for various reasons, but never once have I been forced to question myself like I did last year.   I sometimes struggle with those past emotions even now.   We are under no illusion that loving each other in that capacity would be easy and without emotional landmines for either of us.  We continue to try to be open, talk and be friendly, however, I also feel we both are working really hard to protect ourselves emotionally as well.