The Journey of Putting Yourself First

Well, it’s been a minute since I have sat down and actually had the desire to write anything.   A few issues started weighing heavily upon me like the following: the craziness of Las Vegas during and after visiting my ex,  spending time with Florida guy only for him to be duplicitous costing us a play partner relationship or even friendship, and just the stresses of navigating life as a single woman in this period of high inflation.  Mid-August, I reached a breaking point emotionally.  Visiting my friends in Florida after everything that happened & having to pretend it was okay was giving me full blown anxiety.  The emotional scars and insecurities from my ex in Vegas & this situation started making me feel unattractive, un-lovable, and just feeling deficient somewhere for men to treat me like the gum on the bottom of their shoe.  And I felt like no one had my back or considered my feelings – which no one has to in this world.  However, I got home after another stress induced weekend & asked myself – why are putting yourself through this?  It was in that moment I realized I was placing everyone’s feeling above my own.  So, I’m gonna say this in all caps so you truly understand what I am saying to you – NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR WELLBEING THAN YOU WILL!!!   People pleasing will have you looking like Boo Boo the Fool & feeling like complete shit.   

Shockingly, I’m human with real feelings and emotions.  Unfortunately, one of my biggest flaws is putting on a brave face & pushing through emotional pain until it becomes to unbearable.  I’m learning some of my friends aren’t the kind of people I feel comfortable opening up honestly and being vulnerable with them regarding my feelings.  Either because my feelings are brushed aside or no one is truly hearing me or supporting me.  So, I’m learning to be more guarded & realizing the only person you can rely on is truly yourself & God because once again – NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR WELLBEING THAN YOU WILL.  

Letting Go of People:  After Vegas & the Florida situation, I felt completely gutted.  Like most women, I started placing the blame at my feet for their bad behavior.  When I reflected on Vegas, I realized I need this to truly see the manipulation & gaslighting happening all around me off and on for years.  I needed to acknowledge his love never made me feel safe, secure, or properly loved.  It made me feel a pressure of perfection that was never going to be obtainable.  

Florida made me realize that if actions and words are not aligning & you feel in your gut a person isn’t being 100% honest, trust that feeling.  In both situations, I decided no contact was ever needed.  People that respect you & genuinely care about you, even as a friend, don’t put themselves or you in a situation to fuck over that other person.  I don’t want to waste my time & energy on people who lack basic common decency & the concept of honesty / open communication.  I’m not a super model, but I am a loyal, loving, caring, & beautiful human being who brings value to any & every table I sit at.

Are You Interested in Dating?  This question has come up a few times from a friend who believes I need to get out there. Y’all there ain’t nothing out there – LOL.   This friend had me sign up for Bumble for a month – it was an experience for sure.  Lots of dick pics, but nobody actually wanting real conversation.   I’m just not here for the bullshit.  Now, am I open to dating someone?  Yes, I am, however, I’m happy being single & not willing to settle for just anyone because I’m valuable and once again I bring value to every table I sit at.  

Economic Inflation Stress: There is no denying that many people are feeling the pressure from rising food, insurance, rent, gas, and more.  The stress of being a single person managing a household is something many people wish to dismiss, but it hits different when it’s just you and you know if something happens, there isn’t a partner who has your back.  Earlier this year I thought purchasing my home last year was probably the dumbest thing I did due to the rising cost of home insurance, paying off home renovations that were needed,  needing to replace a toilet, vent for the heater, and other things here & there.  Then you have bills, debts, emergencies, etc & then you start questioning your life choices.  

Maybe I’m a failure at this because as the young kids would say – the math ain’t mathing.  Maybe I should have focused on obtaining my MRS degree versus an actual degree.  But I chose this plan, and many times I have had to sit down pray to the Lord, reflect on my life, and remember this is a difficult moment in time & it will past.  Then I remember I have had crazy amazing opportunities to travel the country doing what I love.  I have done things that wouldn’t have been possible if I settled down early.   And I am living a life, un-afraid of tackling things as a single woman in this world.  So, to anyone feeling stressed out there – give yourself some grace & realize everybody is facing challenges in this crazy ass economy.

Rest & Gratitude: So, what has a few months of healing & saying yes to yourself looked like?  Increased gratitude, peace, and rest.  There is power in honoring your boundaries & allowing yourself to say no to things that aren’t serving you.  It makes saying yes to the things you desire even more special.  I’m grateful for my home that is my place of peace.  Grateful for friends who see me & respect me choosing my peace over dysfunction.  Grateful for small moments like shared space, coffee in the morning on the couch with the sun shining through the windows.  Grateful for saying yes to time away from kink events – which may become an indefinite thing, but I’m still reflecting on that.  Understanding that putting myself first is a necessity & something I will never regret. 

Everyone is messed up, including me!

Unfortunately, everyone on the planet share something in common.  We are all fucked up in some manner, including me.  No person walking this Earth escapes this life without obtaining a few scars throughout their journey.  Please understand this: EVERYONE’S TRAUMA IS DIFFERENT.  This isn’t a competition, what is Earth shattering for one isn’t viewed as a big deal by others.  However, one of my ugly scars are coming out in a way I never expected so, *sigh*,  here we go.

Probably a therapist would say my issues started early in my childhood because my father wasn’t present in my life (don’t worry, he’s alive, he just prefers his other children over me, & I’ve been good with this fact for many, many decades).  However, they would be wrong.  My issue developed because of my ex that I was with off and on for about a decade.  He is the first man I ever loved.  I lost my virginity to him.  He taught me about BDSM without actually telling me what it was (I happened to discover what it was on my own).  He provided me with confidence to try new things that seem difficult (taking apart a computer).  He also left the parting gift of abandonment, insecurity, anxiety, trust issues, and never feeling quite good enough.  Insert a very sarcastic thank you, right here.    

Let’s travel down a road called Gaslight Avenue & Narcissistic Street:  The roads on these streets are paved with inconsistent behavior, potholes of manipulation, and gaslit lanterns dripping with the bright light of it’s your fault.  Over the years, his behavior and words left some damaging scars on my heart & in my brain.  One statement he made within the first year of us dating was: “I love you but I’m not willing to fight my family for you.”  I should have seen the writing on the wall way back then, but we loved each other, right?!?!   However, fast forward many years later & that relationship included him lying to me, cheating on me, and manipulating me to believe he loved me, cared for me, and wanted me in his life until something easier/”better” came along which resulted in a really fucked up Lady (aka me).  

After years of accepting this behavior, I couldn’t handle the following: (1) The anxiety of being around him.  I never felt beautiful around him, despite saying the words – his actions didn’t align with his behavior towards me, (2) Fucking around with my emotions – you love me one minute and easily leave me the next, (3) Feeling alone with someone near, and (4) Being abandoned to figure out the mess left behind.  Nothing was his problem anymore, everything now was my issue.  

But….but…..how do these past events play in the present?  *sigh* If you can’t tell from above, I have been left with some major trust and abandonment issues.  Antonio starting a couple new relationships shouldn’t have affected me as much as it has.  However, unintentionally, I have found myself pushing him away.   A lot of emotions had been brewing under the surface within me, but what was irritating me…….I didn’t understand why I was so fucking irritated, upset, and ready to just walk away from everything.  I looked at him at one point & started crying my eyes out.  Am I upset because he led me on?  Am I upset because I thought we had something worth exploring & maybe there isn’t?  Was I jealous?  What is really bothering me?!?!?

I started cleaning a piece of leather & started thinking (I can’t be the only person who cleans things when bothered).  And then the realization of why this bothered me so deeply hit me like a ton of bricks.  He unintentionally triggered my abandonment and trust issues when he chose to start a couple new relationships without telling me in advance.  That behavior/decision reminded me of something my ex would have done to me without a second thought.  All I could hear after this decision was: “I don’t give a fuck about you.”  “You are only here for my amusement.”  “You aren’t good enough to be with anyone, especially me.” “I really only mess with you because you are in this friend circle, not because I desire you.”   

Now did he say those things – of course not.  But in my messed up head, that’s what I heard/hear.  My pushing him away is a protective mechanism because I can’t have my emotions fucked with again, I can’t be lied to…… I can’t go down that past roads again with a different person.  I just fucking can’t – I barely survived the first time, plus the scars left behind still haunt me today.  

What are you going to do?   I do miss playing, spending time, cuddling, and all the things with him but those feelings are stopping me at the moment, but all I wanted last weekend was to be in his arms, be myself authentically with him, & be the happy energy we are together.  Communication is imperative – I feel I’m a better communicator when writing.  He is better at talking.  So, I extended an offer to talk about things in order to mend this friendship, if possible.  He has been busy the last few days & unable to talk, but he did text & said he wants to talk & fix this.  *sigh* Let’s hope I don’t freeze over the phone or avoid speaking the truth that I am writing on this page.  *smirks* It’s funny how the person who is causing you grief in a moment is the person you desire to run to to make it better.  He’s told me before he is fucked up, but darlin’ so am I.  

Apparently, We Need A Resolution

Sylvia Plath summed me up perfectly with this one phrase: “I desire things which will destroy me in the end.”   In my previous writing, I discussed how I was starting to develop feelings for a particular person (let’s call him Antonio).  Of course, because I put this into the ethos that proverbial shoe dropped from the sky.   Few days ago, I received a message from him stating, “You know I don’t want you to wait for me.”  This message came out of the blue.  I was confused but was like okay.  The next day I received a message from him stating, he had something to tell me, but didn’t want me to get upset.  “I started seeing someone.  We are figuring out what the relationship is.”  Pissed off, hurt, confused, and much more raged inside of me, but I had to stay collected.  I told him good luck with his new relationship endeavors & I would have to consider even if I wanted to remain friends.

What is the issue?  Are we a defined relationship?  Nope.  However, we don’t act like platonic friends either.  We often do scenes together.  We engage in a lot of non-sexually intimate behavior.  Our friends think we are both interested in each other & will eventually end up together.   We have both admitted we are interested in the other person.   Plus he hadn’t seemed interested in having a relationship with anyone.  In that moment, I felt like he didn’t mind having a relationship as long as it wasn’t with me.  After receiving those message, instantly I could feel my walls going up, I needed to be cold & distant because ain’t nobody trying to sign up for heartbreak and misery.

However, he owes me nothing.  He said she knew we played together & was still cool if we played & hung out together (This was not helpful at the time due to my anger/frustration level at that moment).  Unfortunately, when your ex of several years is a narcissist who gaslit, manipulated, and chose to emotionally hurt you frequently.  The insecurities of feeling like: what the fuck is wrong with me?  Why am I not good enough to be considered, loved, cherished, adored, needed, and wanted?  And then you start thinking of all your perceived personal and physical flaws, etc. 

I was going to see him the next day.  *sigh*  Being cold is harder in person because I’m not a machine & can’t just turn off my emotions.  Obviously, I care about him – probably more than I even want to admit so seeing him sad & hurt when he looked at me was incredibly difficult.  My heart couldn’t take it at times, but when you have been hurt a number of times you convince yourself – you are doing the right thing & protecting yourself by pretending to be heartless/cold.  I honestly didn’t expect to see him later that night at our friend’s home because I figured he was going to avoid me.  He tried to be playful, flirty, & touchy – I was trying not to have any of it.  (Be strong.  This is for the best.  You are protecting yourself & him losing you isn’t a big deal.) 

Eventually, I end up sitting outside with Antonio & our mutual friend.  Antonio is still trying & I’m still trying to be stubborn & strong.  After observing our behavior for a while, our mutual friend starts singing – “Why can’t we be friends”.  So, I got out of my chair & sat in Antonio’s lap, put a smile on my face for our mutual friend, & said see we’re being friends.  As I turn to face Antonio to ensure him – I’m still mad.   Our mutual friend decides he is tired & goes to bed, leaving just the two of us outside together.  I reinforce my feelings of not being sure if we could remain friends.  I attempt to get up & get ready for bed.

This man wraps both arms around me, pulls me into him,  & kindly informs me: We aren’t going anywhere until this is issue is resolved & the only resolution is we remain friends.   Did I mention we are both two stubborn individuals?  It’s late, I don’t even want to discuss this issue because I what…..HATE DISCUSSING MY EMOTIONS/FEELINGS.  So, I spent about a good 20 minutes telling him the options are we don’t stay friends or we do, end of story, while trying to break free from his hold which now includes a leg lock.  He calmly tells me again, we aren’t going anywhere until this is issue is fixed.  I proceed to squirm and fight to break free for an additional 10 minutes which results in me making it to my knees on the floor, still in his embrace.   Slowly, the emotional damn starts breaking and I’m just letting out my feelings & asking questions.  We do in fact resolve the issue, and yes we remain friends because apparently there really is no other option.  You are stuck with me for life.  You are stuck with me until we die.  Apparently, this is our agreement, so if I get upset again.  I guess the only alternative is to once again come to a resolution.

Reflecting on our disagreement,  quite a few things have hit home with me & it makes me adore this human even more.  We never raised our voices to the other person.  We made an effort to truly hear the other person.  He remained calm & open towards me.  He didn’t gaslight me or make me feel like my emotions were invalid.  He made me feel safe to speak openly & honestly about my feelings/emotions (& I hope I did the same).  He held me tight and never let me go.  He didn’t let me walk away because I was hurting – he sat calmly with me while I fought through my discomfort/frustration until I opened up to him.  And the thing I really hate: I felt like a little girl sitting on her Daddy’s lap, like a submissive in her Dominant’s arm – comfortably, easily, while he just waited for my anger/fear/hurt to fade away with his actions and words.   Did I mention I hate feeling/emotions?!?

I have emotional depth and feelings & I don’t like it!

“You are not alone.  Not in your fear or your grief or your hopes or your dreams.”  – Rebecca Ross.

Simple, but so very hard to comprehend throughout our life journey.  Every human being on this planet is destined to experience love, loss, pain (physical &/or emotional), successes, and failures.  Yet, while experiencing these moments in our journey called life, we feel isolated on our own private emotional island.  Sometimes these experiences are so overwhelming that words fail to capture how we truly feel in the moment.  Paralyzed by fear, overcome with joy, and/or uncertain of our next steps, we either move forward or stay frozen in a moment.  Moving forward even when scared, hurting, or uncertain what’s to come has always been my choice.  However, allowing myself to love someone romantically & with the full emotional depth within my heart scares me to a state of panic initially.  Letting people into my heart is usually an absolute no-no in the last few years because I’ve been burned badly.

In fact, at the beginning of the year I swore I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of getting close to someone.  Once again, we plan & God laughs hysterically.  *takes a deep breath*  I hate to admit this but I have developed emotional feelings for a person & I don’t know what to do with myself.   Literally, these feelings are raging inside of me like a thunderstorm on a hot summer day. 

As Usher once put it, “how you know?”  It hit me the other day while working & this person kept staying on my mind.  All I wanted was to be back in their arms.  I missed them terribly.  And I sat down and really started reflecting on my feelings.  *cusses under breath*  I really, really like this person. I missed being playful, sitting in his lap, stealing food off his plate (& him letting me), pulling out my chair to sit next to him at meals, wanting to let him make decisions for me, random touching/hugs, & other intimate things outside of play I haven’t experienced in a really long time.  And IT SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF ME!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking at this situation through rose-colored glasses.  We both are complicated human beings in our own ways.  Neither one of us perfect, but that’s okay.  Oddly enough, we may be perfect enough for each other.  “You know he likes you.” – This is the statement I have heard from many friends over the past few months, however, in my brain, I’m not 100% certain even though he is constantly showing me signs that he’s interested.  Being in his arms feels like home (which scares me because I’ve never said or felt that way about a person before).  

Typically, at this point, I would be attempting to run for the hills because I have feelings, but *sigh* I don’t have the feeling with him which is also scary.  I want to learn more about this man, explore him, and just have experiences with him.  Is this what it feels like when you actually love someone?!?!

So, what am I going to do about these feelings?  Absolutely nothing.  *laughs and cries*  Why?  Because I need him to confess his feelings first because I’m scared. Maybe we have something, but what if it turns into nothing.  What if it turns into something?  And there is always the complex of not feeling good enough thanks to my ex-boyfriend conditioning me to feel that way.  So for now, I will sit with these feelings & throw myself back into my hobbies: Crossfit, reading, scrolling social media or Zillow, and/or taking a long hot shower. *sigh*  This was not suppose to happen; I didn’t plan for this.

PS: So, apparently I have been horrible about publishing my writings that I have completed because I have two entries completed in my writing space, but didn’t publish. Yes this is the guy I met in the previous writing. There have been ups and misunderstandings, but this is where we are.

Life Continues…even when you think you aren’t ready

Let me start this writing out saying – my computer hasn’t allowed me to be my best when it comes to writing/posting & yes I have an entire process and if my internet fails – I can’t write.  So, my Wi-Fi started not connecting again for the third time in the past 6 weeks.  Did y’all know that new laptop systems not only require the regular updates we are accustom to but also now requires you to update your drivers and other things within an app from the brand you purchase from.  If either isn’t update, you can’t connect to your Wi-Fi.  That’s some bull.   But, now that I have this figured out, hopefully I won’t encounter any further interruptions.  Also, this writing I finished at the end of February / beginning of March and thought I posted but must not have cause of computer issues. *slaps forehead*

So much has happened in the last few weeks.  Some were inevitable, others a refreshing surprise, and many are struggles we all deal with in everyday life.  Honestly, I have no idea where to even start expressing my thoughts.  I guess I shall follow up from my previous writing and let my journey/thoughts unfold as I go.

Closing the era of a situationship:  Giving someone the best of you doesn’t guarantee you will get the best of them in return.  A few weeks ago, I decided that my former friend / ex-collegiate boyfriend & I no longer needed to be on speaking terms.  After a couple weeks of emotional mistreatment, distancing, and speaking to me like I was the gum underneath his shoe – he started to gaslit me.  Everything came to a head, while I was at dinner with some friends, & I snapped.  He messaged me days later to apologize for his behavior, ask for forgiveness, and then followed up with he would never hurt me again cause he was going to distance himself.  I didn’t respond – mainly because I said what needed to be said over the years.   When I snapped, that was years and years of hurt, anguish, anger, and disappointment coming out.  I was tired of feeling like I had to walk on eggshells, feeling like I wasn’t good enough, feeling like I didn’t deserve to be first, and feeling like less than nothing.   Though it took me some years to figure out I deserved better & there is nothing wrong with reinforcing my boundaries…..better late than never.

February Kink Festival:  Taking some time after them shenanigans above – multiple friends convinced me to come to an event I’ve attended for many years a few hours from my home.  *grrr* Fine.  Apparently, sitting in my house forever was hiding from life.  *grrr* Fine – see people I love, go out to eat dinner later, and spend time connecting with my community.  Of course, the day of driving, I get stuck in traffic for over an hour on the interstate because an 18 wheeler flipped.  I called my friends basically bitching because I’m stuck on the interstate, hungry, and didn’t want to socialize anyone.  After traffic is diverted and starts moving, I finally get to the event.  Put on a happy face, you are here.  Spending time with your leather family and friends is important.  

I meet up with my leather family.   Watching a covering ceremony.  Then we head to dinner.   We come back & I go visit my other family in their room.  Walking into their room, I see a gorgeous man with a beautiful smile that made me say damn out loud (per my friend but she might not be a reliable source…lol).  I can’t resist the urge to introduce myself to him because I’m never gonna see this person again, I’m definitely not his type, and I’m not interested in pursuing anything with anyone. (At this time I would like to interject that we make plans and God almost always get a hearty chuckle).

We are all sitting around talking, being mischievous, and just having a good time.  I was laying across one the beds and don’t know how this gorgeous man is sitting next to me but he is.  Somehow the mentioning of spanking occurred.   I wasn’t going to say no, but I also had no intentions of getting naked.  He was agreeable, and started giving me a spanking with my jeans still on.  My family had to inform him, she isn’t going to red, that’s not a challenge you want to take.  I look back playful to nod my head to agree.  He definitely has some hard hands that can sting an ass.   Each hit feels delicious.  We played for about an hour.  He said he enjoyed playing with me.  I told him I would be back in about 3 weeks and would be interested in having a scene with him.  He seems agreeable.   He gives me a big hug & disappears for a smoke.  We all went our separate ways for the evening and left the following day.

One week later:  One of my home groups was renting the dungeon space over that way the following weekend for a play party/road trip adventure.  I said I would be back that way in 3 weeks.  *takes a breath*  Then I realized this gorgeous man would probably be there the following weekend.  I carefully weigh my options.  (No ma’am – what the hell are you doing!!!  Yes, he is cute.  Yes, you are intrigued.  Bitch stop being intrigued).  I didn’t listen to my inner voice because I sent him a message a few days later saying I would be going to the event next weekend and would he be interested in playing with me.  He said he would so a scene date was set.  Yes, I’m driving over to see friends but priority one was to see this man again & have an actual play session. (*face palm* – What are you doing?!  Fun, its a night of fun, what could possibly happen?!?!?)

Saturday arrives.  I’m greeted with a hug.  And surprised with a question. We talk in depth prior to our scene.  He decides where he wants me for our second scene and yes I was naked.  This scene was interesting because I could tell he was holding back which was good for two people getting to know each other in that aspect.  We started messaging and getting to know each other more after that.  He’s interested / I’m interested – and we both are scared.  Yes, he’s attractive, but what draws me is his compassion, his heart, his way of making a person feel heard, his dominance calls to me, his energy draws me, he is a God fearing man, he’s a person with integrity, and fiercely protective over his friends and family.  The more I learn, the more attractive he is.  Fuck – and just like that I’m interested in pursuing something with man.  This wasn’t in my plans at all.  We keep talking, exploring each other, talking, messaging, and who knows what will happen next. 

Sex, friendship, and bad answers

“Sex is a way to feel more than just an orgasm.  It is a communication of love, being understood, closeness, and connection.  Resist reducing sex to something meaningless.” – Todd Baratz, LMHC, Certified Sex Therapist

In the BDSM world, you can arrange a scene & experience sexual pleasure with the understanding of it being a one time situation or as close friends.  However, multiple sexual encounters with an individual person over a period of time moves the bar.   In my humble opinion, meaningless sex shouldn’t exist.  It’s a connection that speaks volumes in a multitude of ways.   That connection should be as a very close friendship with an intimate bond, a non-monogamous relationship with selected partners, or a committed monogamous relationship.   No matter the direction, the most important thing is a mutual understanding and respect that goes far deeper than the valley between your legs and peaks on your chest.

After a few days of no communication with my friend, I decided to text and express how I felt dismissed the previous week.  He apologized and we started talking as normal.  After a few hours, I asked this question – “Why did you want to have sex with me after all these years?”   The answer wasn’t what I was expecting from a person who has know me for over twenty years.  “Why not? You’re fun.  Isn’t that the important part?”  After a few minutes, I responded back: “I appreciate your honesty.  But as I have grown older, I enjoy a fun time but I’m trying to expand my time with people who want me in their life and view me more than as a fun moment.  I’m not saying I wanted to marry or be with you, but I deserve to be viewed as more than a fun moment in time.”  He responded back: “You are a friend.  That’s what’s important to me.  Your friendship.”  

Before I proceed let’s stop and explain why this answer ain’t it –  To whoever reads this let me make this statement.  That’s an answer, but a terrible one.  If the goal is to ensure the other person feels devalued, unseen, and like an object without human value, then yes, please move forward with that answer.  It speaks volumes as to how you see this person when you lead with this as a response.   If the question was reversed my answer to him would have been the following: I enjoy our friendship and sexually you make me feel safe to explore my needs and desires.  I trust you and appreciate our intimate bond.

After knowing this person for over 20 years, that response reads like you have no idea about who I am or worse, our connection is something you found again because you were bored.  If you read my previous blog entry then you know we have had moments over the years that haven’t been great nor left me feeling like the greatest human being on Earth (which is why I have some issues even today).  And as a POC, who is in the BDSM community and plus sized, I’ve been fetishized and seen as a goal to conquer because of the stereotypes surrounding a woman like myself versus being seen as a complex human being with feelings and emotions.  Regardless of the status of your sexual relationship with an individual, most people desire to be seen as an entire person (there are exceptions to this but that’s a topic for another day).

I didn’t say anything after his last text message which has resulted in us not speaking for about 5 days now.  The kicker is I feel guilty for stating how I feel and standing up for my own worth.  In the past, I was terrible at setting boundaries or expressing my expectations with him because of how much I was willing to give up to have him in my life.  I gave until it literally broke my spirit, heart, mind, and soul.  Through it all, I still don’t hate him, I’m not even angry at him.  I’ve always loved him and unfortunately that’s not an emotion you can just turn off.  It’s hard not to text him & try to fix it because that is the expectation.

However, you have to honor yourself above anything else.   You have to invest into people who see you and strive to reciprocate your effort.  It has helped when I told this story to some close friends and chosen family of mine – seeing the look of disgust, honor, and surprise when I told them this story spoke volumes to me.  I’m constantly reminded – I’m not crazy for my emotions nor my response.   Still, I can’t help but feel hurt and disappointed in him and myself.

You can’t make people do right by you……

Intuition, channeling other people’s energy, studying individuals, & analyzing his or her behavior is something I have always done.  For the longest time, I would allow others to make me feel like my gut feelings were invalid, causing me to eventually go against my own intuition resulting in mistakes that could have been avoided.  Over the past few years, I’ve really tuned into those messages and feelings from the universe. 

As I wrote in my previous entry, I recently went on vacation with a person I have a complicated past with and his spouse.  Randomly, he mentioned that he told his spouse, in detail, what we were doing sexually.  Yes, open &/or polyamory relationships are all about honesty.  Did I mind her knowing we were having sex on this vacation?  Obviously not because this had been a discussion months in advance.  However, sharing personal, intimate details in any type of relationship requires a discussion & PERMISSION from all parties involved.    This made me uncomfortable and I felt very disrespected.  However, I didn’t say anything in the moment because of shock.

After sitting with those emotions a few days, I finally had a conversation to inform him how I felt.  He apologized “for everything that made {me} feel uncomfortable” then basically went radio silent.  Silence isn’t the answer to solving problems.  However, I do allow people space in order to evaluate how they feel.  After about 3 days though I circled back to address this issue, open the floor to any concerns he or even she may have, and to ensure we were okay.  He said: “I haven’t texted mostly because I want to give you the time to decide if you still wish to speak to me.  I do not want to force myself upon you, even in electronic communication.”  Is it forcing yourself upon someone when a discussion is necessary?  I wasn’t angry, I didn’t make an ultimatum, nor did I state I never wanted to speak to this person again.  I stated my feelings and my expectation of clear, honest communication going forward.  

Instead of moving forward from this misstep, I continued to be shown distance.  Communication patterns had changed.  This man would text me throughout the day.  Good morning text messages, sexual messages, D/s type messages, etc.  Suddenly my inbox was dry.  This behavior started triggering feelings from our past so many years ago.   Forcing me to ask him the irrational (maybe not) question of should I just expect us to not speak to each other again after this like in our past.  He assured me I was being triggered from the past and we were cool.  After a few days, I decided to flirt with him as we typically do.  His reply back to me was so cold, uncaring, dismissive, and sterile I won’t even quote it on here.  I felt that slap to the face from 1000’s of miles away; it immediately stopped me in my tracks.  I hadn’t contemplated our friendship not moving forward until that very moment.

Should I be surprised by this behavior?   When I really thought about it, the answer was very clear – no girl you shouldn’t.  He’s knows how to pursue a woman.  He knows how to make her feel incredible, sexy, wanted, seen, and loved.  However, the flip side to this is when he achieves whatever his desire is or something else has come into view, he can become cold, distant, while in the process making you insecure and question your own sanity.  Eventually I would fall from the heavens to becoming worse than the scum underneath his shoes.  Basically expendable.  However, over the past five years, he seemed to have changed.  Communication on point & we could discuss anything.  Apologized for past behavior.  Reminded me in my darkest hour how wonderful, lovable, and desirable of a woman I am.  So, this change in behavior is really fucking with me emotionally. 

So, how do I plan to move forward with this individual?  How are you going to fix it?  This isn’t my issue to fix.  In my early 30’s, I really took a hard look at my relationships & decided to see a therapist because damn it something is off with me.   After a few sessions I realized, “I’m the problem, it’s me.”   I’m the problem because I was failing to see my own value, I was failing to establish clear boundaries with individuals, and I was failing to walk away from friendships or relationships that were one-sided & no longer honoring me.  No person should have to beg another person for basic human decency.    

I spent the better part of my 20’s pursuing this person.  He was nerdy, but I found him attractive.  I loved him with my entire being.  I would have given up anything to have him, marry him, and build a life with him.  Over the years, I found myself constantly working to prove my worth, my love, my loyalty, and so much more.  In return, I was shown in a multitude of ways I didn’t matter, I was expendable, I wasn’t a priority, and loving, let alone respecting me, was never going to happen.   It took me a long time to realize, I deserved so much more.

You can’t make people do right by you.  But you have the power to decide when you aren’t going to let people do you wrong anymore.  And enough is enough.  As much as I do still love this person (& always will despite his flaws), all I can do is match energy.  My time, energy, emotions, sexuality, and heart are worth it’s weight in gold & I only desire to invest in individuals who invest in me.  I’m not going to chase, beg, force, or plead for you to be in my life.  The same energy you put into pursuing me & having me come back into your life is what I expect.  If all of this was just to get me in your bed one more time, congratulations, you played a really long game.  But I would expect more from you, perhaps my expectations are too high.   How will this situation resolve itself, I don’t know.   What I do know is this – I’m not willing to make you do right by me, I’m simply going to continue my life journey without you.

Viva Las Vegas…

Happy New Year!!   Yes, I know.  I haven’t take them time to write anything new in a while.  Don’t get me wrong, lots of things have occurred and a 2022 wrap up writing will come in a couple of weeks.  However, I kicked of 2023 with a vacation to Las Vegas.  

This Vegas vacation had been in planning for months.   A man from my past, that I’ve had a complicated relationship with since college, invited me to come to Vegas with his spouse for some fun which included him and I being intimate.  First, let’s travel to the past in order to have an understanding today.  This man is my weakness in life.  Lost my virginity to him. First Dominant.  Loved him with every fiber of my being & would have given anything to be with him.  However, instead of receiving that love in return I ended up with a ton of baggage that included feeling inadequate, unattractive, and just not enough for that person no matter how hard I tried.  Eventually, enough was enough.  I wouldn’t talk to him for years because a girl can only feel so low for so long.

Eventually, he reached out.  Apologized for his past behavior and we started talking again.  It had been years and since we hadn’t seen each other in over a decade, this seemed like a good way to spend time together.  His wife was onboard with him and I having sex together.   So, seeing new sites & being with someone I’m beyond comfortable with – win / win.

However, as time got closer to depart for this trip, I started feeling a lot of doubt.  Apparently, the self doubt I was left with years ago started to surface within me.  I need to remind myself I was an attractive woman with a lot of things going for her.  Obviously, he wanted to see me otherwise this trip wouldn’t be happening.  Day of travel, I was calm and ready for an amazing vacation.  Initially, this vacation started off amazingly.  It seemed like the three of us were going to get along & have a great time together.  However, and I can only speak for myself & my perception, things seemed to shift.  

Feeling like the third wheel:  In the beginning, we seemed like three people hanging out together & spending time with each other.  Of course, him looking and being the lucky person with two ladies on his arm.  However, half way during the trip things seemed to change.  It was the two of them walking together.  The two of them waiting on each other.  The two of them holding hands and kissing everywhere.  It felt like I was intruding on a couple’s vacation.  There were many moments I desired to have a partner with me so I didn’t feel alone.  I started walking off from them because it was uncomfortable and awkward.  This is one of the reasons I say, I’m not a fan of polyamory or being with someone, even intimately, in an open relationship.  At the end of the day, if you aren’t the primary spouse or partner – you are completely ass out 9 times out of 10.

Marking her territory: Once again, my perception, however, midway of this vacation, it appeared she started showboating in order to mark her territory.  Calling his name often.  Making sure to sit next to him.  Kissing in front of me as often as possible.  I caught a sly remark or two which I didn’t respond to because it wouldn’t have been worth it.  Maybe that’s how they are often by themselves, who knows, but if she was “marking her territory” – it wasn’t necessary.  He married you.  You definitely will be going home with him.  And I damn sure don’t plan to fight you over a man who had the option to pick me multiple times over the years and continually failed to see my worth and value.  Congratulations – he’s yours.

Feelings of the past:  *sigh*  This one was unexpected.  Apparently the saying is true: some things once shattered can rarely be put back together in exactly the same way.  I repaired myself the best way I knew how once we stopped talking.  And despite him really trying to affirm I’m worth great things, sexy, attractive, and so much more, at times I’m still feel like that mid 20 something girl who wasn’t enough for him.  It has taken over 20 years to realize, I’m all the things he says today, but where I’ve always fallen short in one way.  How have I fallen short, I could never be a white/Caucasian woman.  He was never going to commit to someone he could bring home around his family.  He never had the fortitude to fight for me.  And, that’s not my fault.  And it doesn’t make me less of a woman.  And it’s okay to acknowledge this and search for someone who can appreciate all of me, not just parts.  

Spilling details: I’m not a moron.  I understand people in open relationships speak to each other about life, different partners, and more.  However, I was flabbergasted when I discovered he had shared in detail with his spouse what he and I had done sexually.  I felt incredibly disappointed, hurt, uncomfortable, and disrespected.  All I wanted was distance between them and myself.  I’m not ashamed of my sexuality or how I have sex with someone.  However, it’s my choice if I want to share those intimate details with others.  That moment made me feel like a sexual, fetish toy.  Used to scratch an itch & brag about using one of your favorite toys.  I did address this with him & his response at first didn’t make me pleased.  Yes, an apology is appropriate.  But, the initial decision to hide & assume I would never speak to him again instead of addressing the situation made me feel some type of way initially.  

So, would I do a vacation like this again?   Probably not without a partner to come with me, or a better communication of everyone’s expectations prior to the trip.  Communication has slowed since that vacation & I’ve already come to the conclusion – I’m not going to chase this person.  I did that for too many years with a failed result.  I’m not going to consume myself with reassuring them.  I’m going to be okay with both of us walking away from each other if that is the end result.  Simply because we did so many years ago, and time has taught me to expect that for us unfortunately because I’ve never been important enough to fight for – friendship wise or more throughout the years.  Is it what I want?  No, but keeping my guard up, not having high expectations, & looking out for myself is essential in order for more glass not to shatter again.

It’s been a while….time for some changes!!

So, for some reason, it has been incredibly difficult to make myself sit down & write about the last few months.  Obviously, writing isn’t a difficult task for me, however, processing my emotions & thoughts about various things over the last couple of months has been challenging.  I’m going to give it a shot, let’s dive into it. 

Life –  Working critical care has been my dream since my first rotation working surgical ICU in nursing school.  Critical care is challenging but so rewarding in ways I can’t even start to describe.  However, there are sacrifices made along the way: missing special family/friend events because you work every other weekend, working major holidays, working opposite the rest of the world, and forcing your body to go against it’s normal rhythms.  

My belief is God will make situations so uncomfortable, you will eventually make a change on your own (or he’ll do it for you).  I didn’t respect my manager, I resented having more and more responsibilities placed on me without discussion, & I craved to have more of a work-life balance.   Change is hard.  However, transitioning to a new job with daytime hours, majority of weekends off, and in a different specialty was the best decision I could have made.  It has afford me the opportunity to spend time with friends/family, go to events, and more.  

Despite these changes, it took me almost a month to break out of the monotonous routine that had taken over my life for the past two years which was: work – sleep – stay home – repeat.  Two friends were hosting events in the month of April.  Supporting both friends was important to me, but I’ll be honest – I was reluctant to leave my home to attend these events.  Love my people, had missed them, wanted to see them, and support their events, however, in my mind living a “normal” life seemed almost surreal.  

Event #1: Camping – Camping isn’t my vibe. Glamping – absolutely, however, where the event is hosted is a very primitive campground.  I’ve gone camping the traditional way a few years ago at this campground. It wasn’t the worse experience, but let me share a secret – my ass is older, sleeping on the ground is not meant for me, and I’m into modern day conveniences like electricity & indoor plumbing with a few steps.  Another friend was going & we decided to share an Airbnb close to the site,

This was my first kink event in a while.  My nervous energy was high – would I still feel a connection with people?  Has my position on kink changed?  Are people just tolerating my presence versus genuinuely being happy I’m there?   Not doing anything kink related in years I started questioning if I was still connected to that part of myself. Would I get here, and absolutely hate every second of being here.   Moments of negativity and doubt because to quote a famous Staind song – “It’s been a while” – *takes a deep breath* 

The weekend was such an amazing experience.  The presenters were phenomenal.  Lots of information to digest & ponder.  Sharing space, time, and energy with old friends while making new connections.  I hadn’t felt that kind of peace since being in Hawaii for my birthday.    What surprised me was the shift in relationships between various people.  The old adage remains true: some relationships come into our lives for a reason, others a season, and some for a lifetime.  Overall, I walked away from the weekend with a fullness in my heart I didn’t realize was missing.  

Event #2: Spring Fling – Two weeks later, it was time to attend another friend’s event.  She called me a few weeks prior to the even to ask if I would be a backup demo doll if the first person couldn’t do it.  I agreed figuring I wouldn’t be needed.  Fast forward about a week before the event – the original person couldn’t be there.  I hide my nerves well, but I had reservations: (a) do I still have a high pain tolerance?  It had been a while since I had done anything so that question always comes to mind – who wants to be a disappointment. (b) body issues – most people within my kink community has seen me naked for a presentation.  I’m harder on myself because I have soft parts, thick thighs, full breasts, and more.  Societies beauty standards aren’t exactly obtainable for many of us. 

Sidenote: Over the years, I’ve learned women are the harshest critics of their own body.  We never seem to be satisfied.  Maybe we should extend ourselves & each other a little more grace. 

All of the presentations were fabulous.  Amazingly, I’m still a masochist with a decent pain tolerance 😉   It was so heart warming to see friends I’ve known for years.  People I rarely get to see because of distance.  And surprising a person with a well earned vest.   After the presentations, we got to sit and socialize.  Sharing stories, laughs, and experiences.  The people, the energy, the love hit my soul in the best way possible.  I felt the need to express my gratitude for this time shared & getting to see people in person.  One problem, as I started to express myself, this thing called emotions welled up inside of me & I started crying.  I’m not sure if my words were even comprehensible.

WTF!!!  So, fun fact – I’m not a person who cries often & especially not in public.  No one at that table can truly understand what the last few weeks really meant to me.  When the pandemic hit, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be alive to have these moments/experiences.  Never had I ever been scared in my career until the start of Covid.  People were dying at a rate I’ve never seen before.  We weren’t sure if we would have enough PPE to do our jobs.  Myself & others started thinking about our mortality.  I wrote an email for my mother with instructions & phone numbers – who to call with updates outside of family, what I wanted done with my body, policies I had, etc.  Everything she would have needed if I caught the disease in the early stages of the pandemic.    Those tears were tears of gratitude, grief, relief, and pure love just being able to have the simple moment of shared space & time.  The event concluded with breakfast the next morning with some of my favorite people.  

Men –  As I stated in a previous writing – no, I’m not dating anyone.   So, no dating – a person attempting to waste my time – I assume because he was horny.  *shrugs*  Interestingly, I’ve been messaging with a guy on a certain website for almost 3 months.  I initiated contact because his profile was well written & it caught my attention. I wasn’t flirtatious or salacious – just a simple hello and compliment on his profile.  It started simply with asking questions of each other, and messaging often.   We have been low key flirty which I guess I should have seen coming because when you talk to someone for a while your curiosity levels are going to rise. It’s hard to gauge someone you haven’t met, talked to on the phone, or seen.  We agree there is a lot we want to know, but feel like it won’t translate until we meet in person.  He peaks my interest.  His messages make me smile.  He has found my mind which is starting to disturb my body parts below.  Am I curious?? – Yes, but you always worry about whether you will find each other attractive or am I rushing it or what if something doesn’t translate in person.

So, it apparently takes three years

Tonight, I found myself tossing and turning in bed. My mind running in a million different directions.  So, why not have a hot tea & do what I enjoy the most……….write. 

So, what is the hell is bothering me?  Apparently, it is my lack of participation in the kink community & overall suppression of my desires for the past THREE YEARS!   *sigh*  Yep, it’s been three years since I’ve desired to participate in anything BDSM related.  To be fair, you can only endure so much emotional pain & heartache until calling “RED” on the entire situation.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve attended a handful of events over the years to catch up with friends that I’ve made over the years.   I’ve played once in that time, but my whole heart wasn’t into it.  Once the pandemic hit, my focused shifted to surviving each day.   I made a promise to lots of people that I wasn’t going to die while taking care of others with Covid.  However, when all you do is come home to an empty apartment & work for two years – you learn how to live in solitude.  You forget there is life outside the four walls of home & the hospital.   

Well, what the hell is the problem?  Lately, I feel a desire growing deep within me.  The energy is almost haunting me, taunting me.  Feeling the need to submit, the need to be hurt (in ways I consent to of course), the need to hear a commanding voice, the need to be used sexually, and ultimately the need to just lose control.   I find my mind drifting away to thoughts of spankings, whips, canes, bondage, orgasm denial/control, begging, rough body play, and so much more.  I miss the weight of a person pressed against me – that weight can come from either their body pressed on mine or the weight of a boot pressed against various parts of my body.

So, what are you going to do about it?  Probably not a damn thing.  Perhaps I’m in denial, but I’m hoping these overwhelming feelings & thoughts will temper down.  Am I actively looking for anything? – Nope.  Would I be opposed to something happening if the right circumstances &/or person fell into my life? – Probably not.  Part of it is fear, part of it my own self doubt, & most of it is just life experiences.  Some of my previous relationships just went to shit in unimaginable ways.  I’m self conscious cause apparently the new trend is to find a submissive as young (within the legal limits of the law), thin, and Caucasian as possible.  I’m older and shockingly some people don’t love the chocolate skin or lovely softness I have.  

Other times, I’m unsure if genuine D/s or M/s connections still exist.  Many, many years ago, I had a Dominant who taught me I was the most desirable, beautiful, amazing creature on this planet.  (Disagreeing with these facts was grounds for punishment – so obviously they were gospel truths).  There were rules in place, punishments, fun-ishments, care/concern, great sex, expectations to be my personal best, and so much more.  The most important of all these things was the courage & confidence he built within me.  He made me feel like I was capable of taking on the world.  Do these sort of connections exist anymore?   Is it even worth trying to put yourself out there?   When I figure out that answer, I’ll let you know.  I guess for now, it doesn’t hurt to start coming out to more events when possible because I miss my people.