Commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.
I can’t recall ever seeing a successful or healthy relationship growing up. I didn’t understand what that consisted of & even now, I have a hard time believing a great relationship doesn’t have to include a lot of trauma and drama. Many people think they know what it takes to be in a healthy, committed relationship but we fail because you are looking at the outer beauty of someone, what they can provide for us, will they fit into the box of expectations I hold, or simply because we don’t wanna be alone.
I am afraid of commitment. It is official. It means I know I am going to be held to certain expectations. I know it means if I agree to be with you, damn it, I got to be with you good & bad times. It means allowing myself to be vulnerable & seen. Sometimes, I wear a tough veneer so people can’t see deep down inside I am a sensitive, teddy bear who just wants to be adored and accepted for who she is – flaws and all.
*sigh* We have continued to talk, discuss, and grow closer together. Almost a month of talking & dating is a short amount of time, but he makes me feel comfortable. After much discussion, we decided we were going to meet privately so we could do as he said “whatever you are comfortable with. It’s all your decision.” That could include watching television, talking, or becoming intimate. He decided we wouldn’t have a play session this first time. He felt I didn’t need that right now. I needed closeness, intimacy, and sexual connection.
*shakes head* All up to me? The idea of becoming intimate actually made me nervous. I couldn’t put my finger on why. He actual makes me feel comfortable. It is like I have known him for years & he feels the same way. When I arrived, I was actually calm. I was happy to see his face. He smiled at me & hugged me tight. We talked, we laughed, we tried to watch television but the signal was out. Then after a while, he sat down next to me. We looked at each other & he asked me, “are you sure you want to do this?” I smiled & said “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”
He kissed me & damn- we were touching, kissing, cuddling, & making love. It was good. If I can laugh, tease, and enjoy looking at you while having amazing orgasms, it is a definite win for me. Then the question was thrown down: “is this lust or something more?” That question slapped me in the face. I had teased a week earlier that I am sure this is just lust and nothing more because he said, “I think you are beginning to fall in love with me.”
Could this be love? I wasn’t expecting this to develop into something. I didn’t answer at first because fuck – if I answer one way I would be lying & if I told the truth I would have to own the other parts of that truth. Once again, he is relentless so the question kept being repeated at times as his body was on top of mine & he was staring into my eyes with those baby blues. I wasn’t getting out of this. And in a moment of letting go I said the words I had been trying to avoid: “no, it isn’t lust. It is falling in love.” He replied as I expected, “I know” and kissed me hard. Somewhere along the lines, I dropped my guard & committed without hesitation. He let me know I was a taken woman – I had a Sir and a man (boyfriend).
So, later that night I stayed after a munch to talk with my girls. We discussed all the things going on in our lives & I had to own the truth. And I don’t know if it was what I said or the tone in my voice but one of them turns to me & says “you have a boyfriend” & the other “you have a Sir”. And I panicked on the inside for a while. I haven’t had either in a while. I became committed & realized that is what I feared the most. I am a lady with a significant other but how did this happen so fast & without me throwing multiple roadblocks down. *stomps foot*
I had to deny this to be true because things don’t happen that easily for me. They don’t just fall into place. So, I talked to him throughout the day & even skipped my workout to spend time with him on the phone while he was working. And we got into a heavy debate regarding this commitment & because he likes to antagonize me – “I like to see you get all defensive and mad. It’s cute. *You can’t see it but I’m giving a lot of side eye*.” He said that I would be willing to do anything he wanted & I said no. We went back and forth until he threw truths in my face. And I had to calm down & agree he may have a point. He got that tone in his voice that I have only heard a few times, but I know he is being super serious: “I will go slow into trying anything with you. I will never hurt you. I already said I was going to open you up to trying new things & you already have done things you wouldn’t try before. Baby, I am not going to leave you. If anything, you would leave me first. I am happy you are mine because we are going to explore a whole hell of a lot.” Well, damn, how can I argue with that. And then he said those words that made me curse because I felt it to – yes I said it back, though I did say them to him yesterday without fully realizing it.
guess I am someone’s significant other & submissive. How did this happen so fast? How did a potential no turn into a definite yes? He earned me. He said, “I knew you were mine after the first day we met.” He didn’t check all my boxes, but he is consistent. He makes me a priority. He shows me I am adored. He let’s me know I am cherished & beautiful. He definitely doesn’t hide behind smoke & mirrors. And he cares about me not only as a submissive, but as a woman. He makes me smile; I am taking a chance & feel like I am a lucky girl!