Fear, commitment & I said what??

Commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc or an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. 

I can’t recall ever seeing a successful or healthy relationship growing up.  I didn’t understand what that consisted of & even now, I have a hard time believing a great relationship doesn’t have to include a lot of trauma and drama.   Many people think they know what it takes to be in a healthy, committed relationship but we fail because you are looking at the outer beauty of someone, what they can provide for us, will they fit into the box of expectations I hold, or simply because we don’t wanna be alone.

I am afraid of commitment.  It is official.  It means I know I am going to be held to certain expectations.  I know it means if I agree to be with you, damn it, I got to be with you good & bad times.   It means allowing myself to be vulnerable & seen.  Sometimes, I wear a tough veneer so people can’t see deep down inside I am a sensitive, teddy bear who just wants to be adored and accepted for who she is – flaws and all.

*sigh*  We have continued to talk, discuss, and grow closer together.  Almost a month of talking & dating is a short amount of time, but he makes me feel comfortable.  After much discussion, we decided we were going to meet privately so we could do as he said “whatever you are comfortable with.  It’s all your decision.”   That could include watching television, talking, or becoming intimate.  He decided we wouldn’t have a play session this first time.  He felt I didn’t need that right now.  I needed closeness, intimacy, and sexual connection.

*shakes head*  All up to me?   The idea of becoming intimate actually made me nervous.  I couldn’t put my finger on why.  He actual makes me feel comfortable.  It is like I have known him for years & he feels the same way.   When I arrived, I was actually calm.  I was happy to see his face.  He smiled at me & hugged me tight.  We talked, we laughed, we tried to watch television but the signal was out.   Then after a while, he sat down next to me.  We looked at each other & he asked me, “are you sure you want to do this?”  I smiled & said “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”

He kissed me & damn- we were touching, kissing, cuddling, & making love.   It was good. If I can laugh, tease, and enjoy looking at you while having amazing orgasms, it is a definite win for me.   Then the question was thrown down: “is this lust or something more?”  That question slapped me in the face.  I had teased a week earlier that I am sure this is just lust and nothing more because he said, “I think you are beginning to fall in love with me.”

Could this be love?   I wasn’t expecting this to develop into something.   I didn’t answer at first because fuck – if I answer one way I would be lying & if I told the truth I would have to own the other parts of that truth.   Once again, he is relentless so the question kept being repeated at times as his body was on top of mine & he was staring into my eyes with those baby blues.  I wasn’t getting out of this.   And in a moment of letting go I said the words I had been trying to avoid: “no, it isn’t lust.  It is falling in love.”  He replied as I expected, “I know” and kissed me hard.    Somewhere along the lines, I dropped my guard & committed without hesitation.   He let me know I was a taken woman – I had a Sir and a man (boyfriend).
So, later that night I stayed after a munch to talk with my girls.  We discussed all the things going on in our lives & I had to own the truth.   And I don’t know if it was what I said or the tone in my voice but one of them turns to me & says “you have a boyfriend” & the other “you have a Sir”.   And I panicked on the inside for a while.  I haven’t had either in a while.  I became committed & realized that is what I feared the most.  I am a lady with a significant other but how did this happen so fast & without me throwing multiple roadblocks down.   *stomps foot*

I had to deny this to be true because things don’t happen that easily for me.  They don’t just fall into place.   So, I talked to him throughout the day & even skipped my workout to spend time with him on the phone while he was working.   And we got into a heavy debate regarding this commitment & because he likes to antagonize me – “I like to see you get all defensive and mad.  It’s cute. *You can’t see it but I’m giving a lot of side eye*.”  He said that I would be willing to do anything he wanted & I said no.   We went back and forth until he threw truths in my face.  And I had to calm down & agree he may have a point.   He got that tone in his voice that I have only heard a few times, but I know he is being super serious: “I will go slow into trying anything with you.  I will never hurt you.  I already said I was going to open you up to trying new things & you already have done things you wouldn’t try before.   Baby, I am not going to leave you.  If anything, you would leave me first.  I am happy you are mine because we are going to explore a whole hell of a lot.”   Well, damn, how can I argue with that.   And then he said those words that made me curse because I felt it to – yes I said it back, though I did say them to him yesterday without fully realizing it.

So, guess I am someone’s significant other & submissive.  How did this happen so fast?  How did a potential no turn into a definite yes?   He earned me.  He said, “I knew you were mine after the first day we met.”  He didn’t check all my boxes, but he is consistent.  He makes me a priority.  He shows me I am adored.  He let’s me know I am cherished & beautiful.  He definitely doesn’t hide behind smoke & mirrors.  And he cares about me not only as a submissive, but as a woman.  He makes me smile; I am taking a chance & feel like I am a lucky girl!

 

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If it takes you twenty years to make a decision, I will wait!

The answer hasn’t been a no.  I still haven’t really talked about him again with my friends except for a couple: one doesn’t care, she has stated her peace & her opinion is set – such is life.  The other is encouraging & said no matter what she will love me.  I was going to write him off, I am a jerk that way sometimes.  Thing about dominant men is this – if they really want you, they are fucking relentless.   He is tenacious in a good way.  He doesn’t push, but he doesn’t hide his intentions or desires.  He makes me want to punch him in the face at times because of how brutally honest he can be, but he also knows how to make me laugh.   I have expressed my concerns to him.   He not only listens, he understands, he hears me.  He also doesn’t push for me to make a decision.  He encourages me to take my time & see how it goes.  “If it takes you twenty years to make a decision then I will wait.”   What?   Who says that?  Who does that?  Are you insane?  You would honestly wait to be with me?   *blows imaginary hair piece out of face*

He text messages me every morning, except that one morning cause we were waiting to see who would text who first cause I said something sarcastic.  He is consistent.  He fits me into his schedule.  I hate that I can’t read him.  He keeps certain things close to the vest, but he also doesn’t hold back in letting me know – he wants to be with me & potentially for a lifetime (Once again, what?   Who says such things especially to me?).  He definitely gives me an enthusiastic fuck yes in wanting to be with me.

*stomps foot*   He also pisses me off because he is 100% honest not only about himself, but he is 100% in calling out my flaws as well as good points.  He is married, poly, and openly so.  There are no secrets.  There is no hiding.  His wife knows he wants me as his submissive and girlfriend.  She is cool with that as long as we are cool with that.   I wanna say no because you know list & things.   Plus I have done the poly thing before & it didn’t really work.   However, I am now in this potential boat with a guy who isn’t pushing me either way, but wants me.  We plan and God laughs.   Ironically, my gut feeling is to say yes.   I can’t explain why this is a yes.  It should be a no by all accounts.  But, he is hard working, compassionate, funny, & actual desires to know me.  He says it is all up to me.  When & what am I going to decide?  Will I listen to others or march to the beat of my own drum as always?   Will I keep this a secret or be open about it?  I have made some decisions in my mind, but making the final choice is scary either way.  What am I going to do??!!

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Marching to the beat of a different drum.  I have been doing that for what seems like my entire life.  It seems like whenever people push me to make a decision in the way they desire, I either listen or completely rebel.  Always have, and it is not a manner of no one being able to tell me what to do.  It is a matter of listening to my instincts.   My instincts have never been wrong & there are times I have gone against my own voice, but even then the lessons I learned where valuable in ways I didn’t understand til later.

Today ended with me having to come home & take a three hour nap because so many voices and looks of shock swirled around in my head.  Nothing spikes your irritability factor like having your 20 year dating past thrown up in your face, even if just for fun.  Yes I get it, everyone thinks I make horrible decisions when it comes to dating & selecting a mate.  Let’s not split hairs, I could probably write a book on my worst, funniest, and shocking dating moments.  In my defense in my 20’s I was the most naive woman you ever met.  I didn’t get the spit or swallow joke til my boyfriend, at the time, explained it to me (I was 22).

True facts:  If you are a deemed an asshole by someone, you are probably going to love me.  In fact, we probably will get along very well.  So, I do attract men who are assholes.  I have a theory on it.

I am guilty of being picky & writing you off for behaviors I deem awkward.  Guy who would cum in the corner of his bedroom – nope.  Funky looking teeth – nope.  Tiny hands and short nail beds – it might be a no from me.  Don’t practice proper hygiene – that’s an automatic disqualification.

I can be assertive which means when you meet me I am going to say what I think.  I am going to ask you so many questions your head will spin.  I am going to probably appear anything but submissive.   Deal with it, learn to channel it, and I am yours.

 

I also am sensitive and give more chances than many people deserve.  If I love you.  If you mean something to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion – I am not going to be able to break the bond cleanly.  I wish I possessed the talent of cutting people out of my life and not looking back. If I cut a person off you would have had to hurt me so badly it hurts my soul to even look at you. And even then after a few years, you might be able to get back into my good graces with a few rules in place.

The other day I received a message from a dominant that lives close to me.  I read the message & he instantly got points – there was proper grammar, no slang, no one word message, & no dick pic showing as his profile picture.  So, I actually responded.  He wrote back another proper message.   And we started talking.  He wasn’t sexually suggestive.  He wasn’t trying to get me to send nude photos.   He actually held a decent conversation.

There is a negative side because that’s the story of my life.  I should be the Lady of Awkward Dating Situations.  He openly acknowledged that he didn’t meet the criteria of what I was looking for, but he believes he possess a lot of what I desire.  (You can’t see the raised eyebrow but trust me it’s there).  And he honestly laid out his faults on the table to the point my jaw hit the floor more times than I can count.   Amazingly, he said he knew that was a lot of information to take in & told me to go home and think about it.  When I reached a decision to let him know what I decided.

My friends always follow up with me when I am done with a date.  *Side note: I need to just start dating secretively so all bad decisions are just mine to handle alone.*  We talked about what happened: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The overwhelming answer wasn’t just no but hell fuck no.   He and I are definitely different people in a multitude of ways and that is mildly putting it.   If it is on your worse case scenario list, this guy probably has done it or been there.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown because no matter the decision, I alone have to live with the consequences of that decision.  And in some situations I have paid the toll heavily.

So, what is the problem?   Usually, I can make a decision on important matters rather quickly.  My gut never fails me.  However, there is a conflict between my instincts and logical side & I don’t know where the discrepancy lies.   Am I judging the sins of a person’s past way too harshly?  Possibly.  Ever person has a story.  Some people’s story are a lot harder to swallow than others.   Some people’s life decisions are harder to swallow than others.   Maybe because of my profession, I can humanize situation and things others quickly turn their nose up to (which isn’t always a good thing).  I listen and ask the appropriate questions.   I analyze situations because that’s what I do.  I have to have a plan from A to Z.  I have to look at all angles before I make a decision, even when the information isn’t pleasant.

The final decision will probably be a no.  Not because of his past.  Once again no one is perfect & we all have fallen short in one way or another.  It is because though he believes he can give me what I need I don’t see that as a possibility.  We are not of the same background & our lives are different in so many ways.  There are aspects of his life I am not 100% comfortable with & though it has been a while since I have actually been out with a person in a dating looking to progress further way –  I stopped dating people for the sake of dating because I was bored in my 20’s.  I own multiple toys that can bring me to orgasm, I have friends I can go out on dates with, and hell I take myself out on amazing dates by myself.  I can do pretty well on my own.  I just always hate being the person who always says no because of X, Y, &/or Z .  For once, it would be nice to actually tell a person “fuck yes, I would love to go out with you” & in return that person feel that exact same way about me.

“If you want me, earn me” or what I need in a partner

“We need to find you a man.”   First of all, I fucking hate that statement.  “We” don’t need to find me a man.  It is not an essential part of life.  I need food, air, water, my debts paid off, money in the bank, a job in order to live a lifestyle I am accustomed to having, and I even need to workout but a man doesn’t rank as a necessity.

Now, I understand that this person was trying to be helpful and wants me to find happiness.  However, happiness isn’t defined with me being with another person.  I have always believed this: you can’t be happy with another person until you are happy with yourself.   I have taken periods of time restraining from sex, play, and even dating until I could figure out why I wasn’t finding my own personal happiness.

I know where this is trying to go.   What am I looking for in a person?  Do you date black guys?  Do you only white guys?   Second of all, I hate that this even needs to be said but here it goes.  I am open to dating any man of any race, however my preference has always been white and Latino men.   It has been my attraction since I was little.  Probably not gonna change, but since I am in the good old South people have an issue with the fact I interracially date.

But let’s get back to the actual question this person is desiring to know.   What am I looking for in a potential mate?   Well, I would never tell the person asking the entire list because they aren’t part of my circle like that, nor do I feel they have my best interest at heart.  However, sometimes it is nice to put out in the universe what you desire.  So here is what I desire in a potential partner.

I desire a partner who is intelligent & has a sense of humor.  If they are lacking these two qualities then we will not go very far in a relationship.

My partner must be charming, compassionate, & giving.  I am a natural flirt.  It happens sometimes without me even being aware.  I also have a big heart and understand life isn’t always sunshine & rainbows.  People need you when times are great but even more so when times are hard.   If you are an asshole all the time with no empathy for people, we won’t work well together.

My partner must be an animal lover cause I want to adopt all the puppies and kitties of the world, they need to embrace this feeling but also remind me we can’t take every animal home.

I want them to have some similar interest as me, but I want them to have interest different than I do.  I want a partner who can teach me things.  It can be something simple like how to use a grill or how to make a bomb ass cheesecake.

I want a partner who is God fearing & has a relationship with him, however that doesn’t mean going to church every Sunday.  I believe we have a relationship with our creator in a multitude of ways.

I want a partner who has goals, ambition, & a great work ethic.  Their motivation and drive should push me to be an even better person than I imagined I could be.

Sexually, I want a partner who is dominant, sadistic, not afraid to show their affection & love for me.  One who would like to be monogamous cause sharing isn’t always caring.  I don’t wanna be the lead our relationship.  I want a voice, I wanna be heard, and I wanna know at the end of the day decisions are going to be made to benefit the both of us in the best way possible.

I desire a partner who believes in honesty and transparency.   Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Follow through.  I am willing to meet you half way but damn I am not putting in all the work.  “If you want me, earn me!!”

Lastly,  what drives me to get to know a person better and be in a relationship with them stems from my intuition.  I can’t explain it, but there is something inside of me that speaks to me & pushes me to get to know about another person.  It is almost an instantaneous feeling.  And these are the reasons that warrants me not allowing you to “hook me up” with someone because you don’t really know me.

Epiphany of fire

When you least expect it – you find a person/connection you didn’t expect; then you realize you have found an intensity, passion, & connection set on fire. An intensity so strong that just looking at the other causes the need to touch, kiss, and fuck the other till one of you passes out or just can’t go further. A passion that can cause a girl to fall to her knees and without question do things that makes her wonder who she is around you. A connection that allows us to feel each other whether near or far away.

Never did I expect to find those things and many more within you. A look that causes my stomach to flip & cunt to clench. A voice that makes me cum the instant you demand it. You are my drug of choice. You take me higher than I imagined. Your smell is intoxicating. The taste of you on my lips or deep in my throat satisfying. Your touch reducing me to the fuck toy I want to be just for you. Without my drug, I am left empty, shallow, and incomplete looking for a substitute that can never fill the emptiness of you.

Things I said “never” to became “yes” and lip biting “maybes”. Together we experienced things we never had. Unconsciously my walls came down. Hiding wasn’t necessary. Shame didn’t exist when it came to my needs and desires. Vulnerable and naked I kneeled in front of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You stood in front of me powerful, commanding, and overwhelming. The idea of losing you were the things my nightmares consisted of – and in the blink of the eye our world went up into flames. The flames combusted into an inferno that spared nothing on its destructive path.

Widespread damage as far as the eye could see. Wounds that weren’t expected. Numbness all around as we surveyed the scene. Who can heal when the destruction seems so great? Who can breathe fresh air when the smoke of pain and loss abounds. Where do the connections fall when the trees all around are scorched to the ground? Will the connection die from the flames of the inferno or will something beautiful grow in the place of such destruction.

**Wrote this a year ago and needed a place to store this writing**

What feels right in your soul…..late night ramblings

What sits or feels right in your soul?    Are you willing to pay a high cost for love?  Are you willing to over look potential flaws in a person for the sake of being with someone?  Are you willing to chase the person you desire in order to make them yours?  Are you willing to accept things that don’t sit well in your soul for the sake of your relationship or even potential relationship?

Desire, lust, and extreme like are all wonderful things when getting to know a person.  The hormones are flowing.  They are the most wonder person ever who is “so different” than the last person you were with.  And then a couple weeks, months, or even years roll by.   We start to notice the annoying things or they something out of left field that leaves you shook.  What the hell do you do then???

You know going to bathroom and leaving the toilet seat up is one thing or even hanging the toilet paper the wrong way is a flaw but I can over look that cause you gotta pee too.  However, leaving me full of doubt, insulting my friends/family, insulting me, physically abusing me (for the average slow Joe, there is a huge difference between consensual BDSM and abuse), or psychologically damaging me because you can are an absolute fuck no!!

“If you are entering into a relationship with another person looking to change them, they are going to resent you for it in the long run.”  My therapist told me that and I found out from both perspectives over time that is the most accurate statement known to man.  We should accept a person for who they are in the beginning but we have hope.  Sometimes we believe we are the person who can change their life.   Here me when I say this because it has taken a few months to sink in for me:  “A person will NOT change until they are ready to make a change.”  Read that sentence again, read it slow.  Let that marinate in your mind.

When a person is ready to meet you half way, they will do it.   When you are a ready to meet a person half way, you will do it.  If you want to change, do it for you.   Trying to adapt to someone else’s belief or ideal of what you should be is a disaster waiting to happen.

We try and push for guys to like us, go out with us, hell accept us in the skin we are in because damn it do you know how scary it is in this world to stand up and say, “I love myself the way I am.”  No addendum.  No apology.  We need to listen to our inner self more.  We need to be better at setting boundaries and walking away from things that don’t serve us anymore.  Or how about this novel concept?   Finding a partner who loves all the pieces and shards of glass that make us who we are today.  Accepting some of our flaws, but knowing when to walk away from behavior, thoughts, and actions that don’t line up with what we want.    Late night ramblings………….

Uncertainty and wanting substance

My interest in kink has dwindled over the past few weeks, yet I know I am in total need of a reset.  I need a beating like yesterday to calm my nerves & make me not as bitchy or sensitive as I have been lately.

Why has my interest in kink sort of tapered off?  I am not really sure.  My work schedule is crazy & it is hard keeping up with dates of kink events on my calendar along with fitting in workout dates, preparing for a competition, and dealing with a decline in energy.  I find myself sleeping more than normal lately.

My role as a submissive/masochist doesn’t bother me but once in a great while I can’t help but wonder: do my sexual needs prevent me from finding the right partner for me?  Not only do I want a man who is intelligent, has a wicked sense of humor, is affectionate, secure, and understands some days I need to be held and other days I just need a moment to cry without you necessarily fixing it, but I also want one who is dominant, knows the difference between being a dominant & a dominate, sadistic, but also possessive and loving.  I feel like the movie Singles when Bridget Fonda said her dating list was scaled down to “someone to say bless you when I sneeze.”  – Sidenote: If you haven’t seen that movie, please do! It’s an awesome 90’s movie I have owned in VHS and now DVD.

Maybe the stars have aligned and heard my cries because I have had a few incidents of guys wanting to ask me out or declare the attraction to me.  However, I am talking with a guy I met on kinky social website who decided to strike up a conversation with me.   We have talked for a week or so & though we have talked everyday, multiple times a day, I feel like he isn’t saying anything of substance.  You want me to open up but I am careful with opening up to people regardless (probably why I have been pegged as a bitch by many) of interest.  I will talk about main/important things, but I am not laying out my entire life story for you in a week.   I do want to get into the dirt & raw grit of a person but that happens over time, not in a day or week.   What keeps you up at night?   What drives you personally and professionally?   What are you looking for long term in a relationship?   What is one event that helped shaped who you are today?  Questions like that.  It’s nice to be told I am sexy and beautiful.  But what else do you know about me besides my kinks and you want to slide your penis inside of my vagina?

Overly complimentary has never won me over.    However, let’s not confuse this with I pick great sensitive men either.   Nope I pick men other people probably deem an asshole – but then that always made wonder what in the hell does that say about me.  They mean what they say & when they give me a compliment, it is truly heartfelt and meaningful.  Usually, they are an asshole to others, but very protective of me.  Anyway,  I should be ecstatic that this guy wants go to dinner and talk but I am not over the moon.  Talking doesn’t mean having your face between my legs after dinner.  Maybe I am not being as open as I could be because the vibe isn’t right.  It could also be because I still have lingering feelings for another who has missed his chance due to just not acting on it.   Maybe I am just unsure of what I need or desire anymore.   Maybe my tolerance for BS is at an all time low.   *sigh* I just want to get to know someone where things don’t feel forced.