Hi, I am woman who doesn’t have all her shit together. I am a woman who is far from perfect. I am flawed, messy, ill-tempered, tired, grumpy, and cuss more than a sailor.
As a Southern woman, sometimes it is hard to admit all of those things above. Women, but especially Southern women, are suppose to run a house, work, make a mean casserole, and be the life of a party without batting an eyelash. The past few weeks has been a difficult time. I am horrible about reaching out to those who care for me to express myself because I keep a lot of things close to the vest. People are judgmental & I am not judging cause I am too. However, everyone has stories they don’t tell others. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has moments in time that they aren’t proud of & are fighting day to day just to make it through.
My energy level has been crappy lately. I haven’t found a happy medium yet. I am either sleeping for 10 to 12 hrs or I am wake for 27 hours. I either have the energy to run errands, take care of business, workout, and go to work. Or I am in bed watching NetFlix and enjoying the joys of being in nothing but my pjs.
The relationship with my boyfriend & dominant are okay. He has some issues in his life that needs to get settled. He hasn’t had a day off in months. He has been working 8 to 12 hour days, everyday. I can hear the exhaustion in his voice, but there is nothing he can do. He is trying to launch a business while working a full time job with increasing responsibilities. In my opinion, he isn’t making the money he deserves and is really doing the job of two to three people. But, he says there isn’t anything he can do about it for now.
I worry about his emotional and physical health. He has constant migraines & swallows more Goody’s powder than I am comfortable with. He has chest pain. He sounds tired. He is depressed. He needs a check up but getting him to do what is right for him isn’t easy. I brought up the conversation of whether it was a good idea for us to still be together – I don’t wanna add extra stress to his plate. I support him, but I have needs, wants, and desires as well. Selfish, maybe, but who wants to share their other half with paperwork and increasing work needs. I love him but neither of us knows how long this demand on him will last.
Yes, I am his girlfriend, slave, and as he calls me his second wife. Yet, I can’t get him to listen to me at times. He is stubborn & believes he knows the answers to everything. I don’t know the answer to everything, but I am opinionated. I think he needs to entertain other job offers. He needs to be firm and start setting limits with his job. He needs to listen more before speaking and saying no to some things. Sometimes he just needs to realize as the little letter of this relationship, it is also my job to look out and protect him as well.
I’m filing for bankruptcy. This whole process has been stressful. Never did I imagine that I would have to do such a thing, but life happens. In my head, I feel like this means some how I am irresponsible. I have not lived up to the expectations of being an adult. I have failed& I am a failure. People who file bankruptcy are somehow viewed as financially irresponsible. But I am learning sometimes bad things happen to good people. Lost of job, decrease in pay from one job to another, difficulty landing a new job, medical bills, etc. I have been fighting off some issues for over a year. I needed this issue settled and this was the best avenue. Walking in my attorney’s office was the hardest thing. I was nervous and he could tell. He has reassured me this is the right move, but it still doesn’t make all of your insecurities go away. I am just counting down the days til I go to court and this whole situation is put to rest – at least in terms of court and creditors. Also, I learned if you bank with Wells Fargo, they are asshole who essentially retaliate by placing a hold on your checking and savings account, even if you aren’t the person who owns the checking or savings account. And by law they don’t have to do it, they just do it to complicate your life or the life of others that you love. Wasn’t surprising to find out they have been sued over this practice before, so if you are ever planning to file bankruptcy move all your accounts from Wells Fargo. Information I can pass on in this blog.
This too will pass. Hopefully much sooner than later. I have only told a few close people in my life about this because it is shameful to me. However, those who I have told have been nothing but supportive. These people are a part of my tribe for a reason. They know who I am & understand how hard of a choice this has been for me. I appreciate their love during this time. I appreciate them not looking at me differently. Though it feels like I have been taking multiple steps backwards in the past year, I also feel like change is coming in ways I can’t imagine. I refuse to believe I have come this far in life to fail. Every day isn’t sunshine, there will be rain & storms. Maybe I am coming out of my storm to brighter days.