Happy New Year – Welcome to 2022!!

*waves*  Happy 2022 to everyone.  Now, with the pleasantries out of the way, let me say – damn, it’s been a while. Honestly, I haven’t allowed myself the opportunity to sit down & write about the different experiences going on in my world.   Let’s see if I catch you up on what’s been happening (& yes I’ll try to write about some experiences later).

Obviously, I been working cause these bills don’t pay themselves.  However, I’ve considered a career change away from healthcare cause this shit is wild.  Traveled to Hawaii for my birthday – all I can say is breathtaking, beautiful, and surreal.  Had a surprise visitor that dropped multiple bomb shells – I wasn’t ready.  I’m still not ready.   Watched some amazing people push through some challenging times & survived with grace.

Let’s clear the air – I haven’t started writing because it’s a new year’s resolution.  Just decided to come back to something I love doing & because Christmas gave me an unexpected gift in more ways than one. 

Working the holiday comes with the territory of working healthcare.  Unfortunately, my current job stresses me the fuck out – not the work, but management or the lack thereof.  Woke up Christmas eve & thought: “Ugh, all I want to do is stay home, watch Christmas movies, & listen to Christmas music.”   But adulting responsibilities win cause I’m bougie & enjoy nice things.  Got to work & started feeling bad.  I thought it was sinuses.  I was trying to talk one of the docs downstairs into writing me a Z-pack and steroids.  They swabbed me just to be safe.  *drumroll*……………I tested Covid positive which results in a 10 day mandatory quarantining (now 5 days, thanks CDC).    Thankful that my symptoms were mild, some coughing, sneezing, and nasal congestion.  Felt bad for about 4 days & then started feeling exponentially better each day.  

Catching Covid definitely wasn’t in the plans & messed up my holiday plans.  However, quite a few silver linings have emerged from this unexpected illness. 

(1) My mother is safe.  I was planning to come home, after working multiple shifts, in order to celebrate the new year with her.  Devastated is the only word I can use to describe how I’d felt if I got her sick. 

(2) Time to appreciate my apartment/home.  I picked my apartment online, drove over on a day off to see the place, & signed the paperwork within a couple of hours.  It’s in a safe area, it had many of things I desired. However, sometimes I wish I looked at more places, realized this places lacked ceiling fans when I toured, gotten an additional bedroom, &/or picked a place with modern, upgraded amenities. 

But, while laying in bed recovering in the comfort of my home, I looked at my home with a different appreciation.   Blessed to be in a place I love – love how I’ve organized & decorated.  Appreciative of my comfort creatures.  Appreciative of my space.  This place provides everything I need.   Sometimes, we forget to be thankful for our blessings.  It’s important to remember, there are many who are less fortunate that would happily take our place. 

(3) Enjoying the morning without a rush.  I don’t get the opportunity to enjoy waking up without rushing to work or an appointment.  This week, I got to do what I love – getting out of the bed & opened the blinds.  I love the natural light coming through my window & sliding doors.  Turning on the TV for the morning news.  Making a cup of coffee & a light breakfast.  Then I get to sit on the couch & look outside the window.  Just enjoying the start of the day – no rush, no fuss, just the calmness of the day.  

(4) Appreciating my health.  I try to honor my body as best I can – even though this bitch don’t love me back like she should (thank PCOS & all the things you bring with it: hair loss, weight gain, insulin resistance, sleep apnea, etc).  I digress – my symptoms weren’t nearly as bad as it could have been (thank you vaccine/booster).  Also, thank you for advances in medicine to treat & fight this disease.  

(5) My tribe.  I’m surrounded by some amazing people who shows me love.  People I can rely on when I’m not running on all cylinders.  People who call or text just to ensure I’m improving & doing well.  A great friend who brought me food or medicine so I didn’t have to leave home for anything.  Family who video called me daily.  I have some good people in my world.

2021 has come to an end & I’m thankful for the adventures, memories, and more.  2022 – we start optimistic.  Hopeful for an opportunity to do more of what we love with the people we love.  Until the next time. 

People don’t fundamentally change

“People don’t fundamentally change.”  I’m a firm believer in this statement.  Actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately,  my older brother is a reason why I hold this belief.  From a young age, he has always attempted to exploit people, then later it moved to the system.  I can remember him asking me to co-sign for a car for him in my early 20’s, before I really understood the financial weight of such an action, with the stipulation of not telling our mother.   I felt uneasy about it & called my bestie who reaffirmed why I shouldn’t do it & we told my mother.  

I also can remember his desire to impress other people.  Telling girls he was interested in he studied at UC Berkeley.  Driving a fancy import sports car & wearing designer clothes so people would think he had more than he did.  Status has always been important to him – needing Gucci sunglasses, $900 shoes, or a Rolex watch.  I can remember him chiding me for purchasing a brand new Honda because as a professional I need to be riding around in a Mercedes Benz or BMW because people needed to be impressed with what I drove & know my “status in life.” 

A few years ago, my brother went through a divorce with a lovely young woman who had a great career & was someone you would enjoy as an addition to your family.  She left him because she found out that he had lied to her about pretty much everything.  I figured that situation & him losing so much would change his outlook on life.  Our mother helped him out by co-signing a car loan for him & giving him a credit card for emergencies.  She was hopeful he would start turning his life around; I was a little skeptical but my mom wanted to help. 

Fast forward to present day:  My mother and I were on the phone & she was discussing some things that were upsetting her in regards to my brother.  He has ran up the credit card my mom had to over $10,000 – she disabled the account & is making him pay down that debt.  He is refusing to pay his car note on time – which my mother handles since the car is in her name.  Apparently, attempted to buy some electronics on the card my mother closed & keeps trying to convince her he needs this card back in his possession since he is having to pay down the debt.  He has yelled at our mom telling her “no one asked you to help me” – false cause he cried and said, “you are the only family I got.” 

 He recently met got married (the legality of this marriage is debatable but that is another story) & she moved back into her place due to my brother’s behavior.  He was verbally abusing her, stealing money from her purse, drinking heavily, & trying to control her interactions with friends/family including her daughter.   Once again, buying designer/luxury items instead of taking care of his financial responsibilities.  Claiming to be the victim in this entire situation & blaming others for his issue – usually those issues lead back to me.  How is this possible you may ask yourself?!?

My mother calls it jealousy.  I don’t know what to call it, but his reasoning is our mother gave me a better opportunity & didn’t kick me out of the house at 18.  Facts – my mother didn’t kick me out at 18, however, I followed the established rules of the house.  I was in college and working a part-time job.  And there was a lot of trauma & drama in our house before she decided it was better for him to be on his own because he wanted to dominate her & me.  She set him up with all the things need when on your own.  It wasn’t up to his standards so he didn’t stay in the place she set up. 

We have never been close & I’m deemed the selfish/mean one of the family.  I have firm boundaries & I don’t believe that blood is thicker than water (& PS: my tolerance for bullshit just gets worse the older I get).   So, now momma is more than likely going to be stuck with a bill she didn’t create.  I already told her if he stops paying for the car – let them repossess it.  She can’t afford/isn’t allowed to financially assist him any further (she would never put herself in a bind, but it is re-establishing boundaries).  And I’m just annoyed at this situation – his lack of responsibility – his greed – his manipulation – his lying – his entitlement.  I knew it before, but this just reinforces, if our mother needed anything I would have to be the one to figure it out.  He continues to not be dependable nor responsible.  People don’t fundamentally change & I’m still not here for his bullshit.  

Pick – Marriage or Career

Other night at work, I was having a discussion with a colleague about a multitude of different topics, but somehow we ended up on the subject of relationships versus having a career.  We are close in age, both of us are successful in our careers, well-educated, funny, caring, charismatic, & engaging women.  She’s been married once & I’ve never been married.  During our discussion, we both agreed on an old saying that basically goes: you either establish a career or obtain a husband, the odds of having both are usually slim.   

Being a woman from the South – the pressure of getting married and having children before the age of 25 is real.  College wasn’t always about obtaining a bachelors degree or higher, many ladies decided to go to college to land the ever coveted MRS degree.  A former college friend was obsessed with the MRS degree – when she found someone, she wasn’t head over heels in love.  “He isn’t great in bed. His penis isn’t a good size for me. He’s bigger than I would want in a partner.  He doesn’t check all the boxes, but he likes me.”  She settled so she wouldn’t be single in her late 20’s anymore.  After she got married, she dropped out of college and continued working at the job she had.

Before people get their panties in a bunch let me say – I’m not knocking whatever choice a person makes but in my opinion women who opt out of the status quo of marriage & having babies seem to be judged by a different set of standards.  For example: as a single woman in her late 30’s – I’m constantly told, “You need to have at least one baby.” “Why aren’t you married?” “You are such a good person, someone is out there waiting for you.” “You know you make good money & are independent.  Some men aren’t going to like that about you.” Despite the fact I’m accomplished in my career, able to provide for myself, enjoy traveling, have multiple hobbies, and delight in having new adventures in life – Myself and others like me are primarily judged on if there is a ring on our finger or how many children we can produce.  

However, being single is 1000% better than having a piece of shit man at home.   Physical abuse, verbal abuse, being treated as less than a person, or enduring fucked up mental games is something that won’t be tolerated.  I’ve been treated as a walking fetish and been asked to endure some next level craziness over the years. Being open to dating men from different ethnicities also means acknowledging things that are different and uncomfortable to reach a true level of understanding.  For example: I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain dating a black person doesn’t give you a pass on using derogatory words in their presence.  NO –  you can’t say colored, ni**er, or darkie.  If you are brazen enough to say this in front of me, I don’t even want to imagine what you are saying about me in your head or when I’m not around.  NO – you can’t dictate my experiences as a black person in America.  NO – despite that fact I’m fat & kinky, I’m not a walking stereotype waiting to fulfill your fantasies.  NO – we can’t be together if you are going to be ashamed of me.  I demand genuine affection, love, and respect.

My colleague said she feels that old saying is true, “It’s lonely at the top.”   She expressed the desire to find a partner who would love all the pieces & parts of her.  Someone who admires her strengths, allows her to show her vulnerability, and returns the love equally she wishes to give.  I feel her on that sentiment.  Perhaps it is the stress of the pandemic weighing us down as health care providers.  Working under these stressful conditions for a year is difficult & there are many days I’ve also longed for understanding, a feeling of safety, love, support, cuddles, and comfort.  

So what’s the answer.   Honestly, as with all things in life, nothing is 100% black and white.   There are a multitude of grey areas. Can we have it all – successful career, loving relationship, ability to have outside interest, and the option of living a life with or without children?  Perhaps not.  Would it be nice?  Abs-fucking-lutely!!!  Does having “it all” require sacrifice on the part of the woman?  Men aren’t judged for establishing a career, being married or single, and no one is asking them if their biological clocks are ticking.  Do men secretly desire a woman with less ambition than themselves?   Do they crave traditional roles & hate women who are outside of those norms?   

Does looks dictate who is worthy of love?  Because honestly, black women are seen as the least desirable ethnicity of women because of the following stereotypes: we are too fat, too loud, too aggressive, too scary, too demanding, our hair doesn’t compare to women from other ethnicities, we aren’t submissive enough, & the list could go on. Apparently we are just a walking NO on multiple levels by men of all ethnicities.  *shrugs*  I’m sure some men could relate in different ways.  I’m sure others have a story as well.  Once again – LOTS of grey areas of discussion that could be had.

Welcome to 2021!!!!

2020 was a hell of a year for everyone:

– People losing jobs.

– People worried about their and/or loved ones health

– People depressed because of the lack of physical touch (hugs, kisses, and more)

– People unable to see family or friends

– People having to figure out a new normal with disease spreading across the globe

– People watching loved ones die

I stopped writing because my life was school, work, and coming home to decompress the weight of the world off my shoulders.  Navigating this new normal has been difficult.  I’m a girl who loves to travel and explore new cities.  I enjoy spending time with my friends at dinner or events.  I enjoy dressing up when I can because I’m a fucking critical care nurse – I wear scrubs most days of the week without make-up and now my hair in a cap.  Now, I sit at home.  Occasionally venturing out if it is safe enough outside.  I haven’t seen the inside of a Crossfit gym in over a year.  My knee might be thanking me for that currently since it is not at 100%.   I ended off 2020 taking the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine against Covid.  

Welcome to 2021!!!  – How are things progressing so far?!?

I’ve applied for a new job position within my current hospital system.  Bedside nursing isn’t for the weak.  And last year pushed many nurses to the breaking point.  I’m experienced & great at my job, but I’m also tired.  If I were to take this new job position, I would be working behind a computer screen.  Many have told me I would be bored and others have asked me not to leave the bedside because you need experienced nurses to help lead, but we get tired. Maybe I’m trying to jump ahead of the exiting curve because mark my words after this pandemic gets under control expect a mass exit of new & experienced nurses from the field.

School.  *shrugs*  It was fun while it lasted, but because of issues with the board of nursing and the university I was enrolled, I can’t go further in the program unless I move to that state.  I should be pissed off, upset, angry, whatever, but I’m calm & kind of grateful.  Full time school & full time work during a pandemic is stressful AF.  I needed a break more than I realized.  I learned a lot over the past year including I would be a good nurse practitioner.  I also learned I’m not a failure because I had to stop along this journey.   Everything falls into place at the right time.  This doesn’t mean I will stop pursuing my dream, but it is nice to allow myself the space to not feel pressured.  

PCOS health improvements are becoming a priority.  I’m speaking a little more openly about my PCOS because people are afraid to discuss the side effects and struggles.  Many health care professionals blow you off unless you want to get pregnant.  I was diagnosed with PCOS 23 years ago & no one can give you reliable, helpful information.  If you want it, you got to dig around the internet and read articles.  Anyway, 6 months ago got routine lab work done at my doctor’s office – my A1C was 6.4 (usually I’m 5.3 to 5.4)  pre-diabetic range.  I was surprised at first but shouldn’t have been.  I was stressed, eating or drinking my feelings down, and not exercising.   Made some improvements and my labs looked better.   Will start taking Ovasitol twice a day which has been clinically proven to help with PCOS symptoms.  I’m not looking to be a supermodel, I just would like my hair to grow in and inflammation to decrease.

Kink/sex.  I mean obviously I have to address that cause it’s one of the reasons I started writing this blog. *laughs* The real answer is not a damn thing on this front is happening.  I miss going to events, seeing friends, and it’s been so long since I’ve had a scene I probably wouldn’t be near as much fun as I use to be.  Sex is one of those I don’t even care at this point.  I will either adventure out and try a local penis or once it is safe to travel, fly out to Colorado for a week.  Honestly, what I desire more than anything is to lay down the heaviness of this past year and just cuddle in bed next to a person who makes me feel safe & secure for hours.   And yes I’m the little spoon.  

I promise I’m still kicking!!!

So, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually taken the time to sit down and write for myself.   Feels like a lot of things have been occurring for the last few months, but also feels like nothing is happening at the same time.

Most of my writing these days are for school – trust me not exciting and at times stressful.  Classes are going well.  I won’t lie – there are several days I feel stressed and overwhelmed.   Experience as a bedside nurse helps in some ways, but becoming an advanced practitioner is definitely a completely different role.   Currently, I’m completing some clinical hours with a physician I adore.  Our first night was crazy & he said he hoped this didn’t scare me away.  It was insane, but I enjoyed the change of pace.  However, at the end of this semester, my NP schooling could come to an end due to issues outside of my control.  I might see if I can find a program close to home and see if my credits will transfer so I can finish.   If not, exploring different job options may become a priority.  Critical care is what I love to do, but sometimes not enough resources are poured into safely, supporting bedside nurses.

Almost two years ago I moved to Louisiana.  These two years have been nothing like I imagined.  I moved here full of hope for my then poly family, new job with lots of opportunities to expand my knowledge, and plan to make some long lasting friendships here.   *shrugs* Achieving those three things may have been a bust.   Last year, some friends back home were semi teasing – “We miss you.  Just say the word we can get the van ready and move you back where you belong.”  LOL, there have been many times I wondered if that offer is still valid.    Now, most days this place feels like home.   However, my contract is up officially in January.   No that doesn’t mean I will be out of work in January – it means that I will be able to take another job within the system if I desire, stay in my current position, or move again if I desire.   The idea of picking up and moving is sometimes tempting.  I wonder if moving is my way of running away from the weight of me failing to live up to my own expectations or am I afraid of settling down in one place too long for fear of missing out on something.  

Being in the midst of a pandemic, definitely gives me incentive to stay at this time.  Though it has been hard to develop friendships or relationships (outside of work) or have fun – kink or otherwise.  Ever since March, I’ve worked hard to keep a low profile especially all we had was a unit full of Covid patients.  I just recently started going to the grocery store or doing low risk activities.  Finally went home after not seeing my mother for almost a year which did my soul a world of good.  I would love to see my other friends and family, but it is all about weighing the risks.  

As I mentioned on my last post in September, Jack and I are speaking on friendly terms for now.  His divorce hasn’t been the easiest to say the least.  Our conversations have unpacked parts of the past, looked at many ugly truths, and then turn fun & light-hearted.   Most days I enjoy us sharing how our days went, being open about our lives, and being comfortable together; Other days I’m guarded and hyper-aware of my words and actions.  

Do I love him?  Of course I do.  Unfortunately, I have the biggest heart & am usually willing to give a second chance with time.  I wish I could be a cold hearted monster, but the truth is if I loved you once, I will always care about and love you.  Plus as I always say, no person is all bad – he is funny, considerate, geeky, sensitive, has a heart he doesn’t always like to show, and has a decent taste in music.  We can be on the phone for hours with each other in a comfortable silence or talking about all sorts of things.   And he does feel absolutely disgusted & hurt about what happened last year. 

Am I in love with him?   *shrugs*  I use to be in love with him, but my love for him in that capacity faded long before our relationship ended last year.  When his wife told me last year he never wanted to have an intimate relationship with me – I honestly wasn’t upset because that desire had been gone.  Once again, I enjoy having sex but only with individuals who desire to have it with me.  It wasn’t like other relationships I had in the past where we were texting dirty pictures or sexting each other (the couple times I sent a semi dirty pic, it didn’t even feel right).  What I was most upset with was the dishonesty & dragging me into a situation when I clearly explained up front what I wanted from this relationship.  Some of my relationships over the years have been emotionally difficult for various reasons, but never once have I been forced to question myself like I did last year.   I sometimes struggle with those past emotions even now.   We are under no illusion that loving each other in that capacity would be easy and without emotional landmines for either of us.  We continue to try to be open, talk and be friendly, however, I also feel we both are working really hard to protect ourselves emotionally as well.

Poly, what’s missing, & grace during a pandemic

The other day I went to a virtual class being through by Raven Kaldera & his slave Josh on polyamory.  Surprisingly, I left this class with an outlook I didn’t expect.  Everything is a learning experience and teaches you about yourself.   Failures in relationships ultimately, hopefully, lead you to better ones.   You learn what questions to ask.  You better understand what matters to you.  Most importantly, you understand what are absolute deal breakers.

My position remains that polyamory isn’t something I’m willing to try again.  Unspoken or not, there is always a hierarchy – no matter how much a person wants to proclaim that one doesn’t exist in their relationships.  You are foolish to believe otherwise especially if the poly couple is married.   Financial entanglements, shared living quarters, history, experiences, and so much more bonded over years compared to the person just entering into the relationship.  If you ain’t first, you are expendable meaning sorry cupcake you are going to be picking up the pieces alone & figuring out a way to heal yourself.    

That said – I respect those who have figured out a way to make it work.   As one said in the class, unfortunately learning to make it work means years of failed relationships and accidentally hurting people along that journey.  

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A friend and I were discussing how we were handling things during this pandemic & this things that we are missing.   What am I missing?   Honestly, too much to even say in this writing but mainly connection and touch.  I miss giving and receiving hugs.   I desire cuddles & kisses.   It isn’t about sex.   I adore the playfulness and connection that forms a bond between two people………maybe I will write out my feelings on this in a separate writing.  

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Throughout this pandemic, I’m having to learn to have more patience and grace towards myself.   I haven’t been to Crossfit in 3-4 months which means I’ve of course put on some weight.   A nutritionist I follow on a social media platform who specifically works with patients with PCOS posted something that really spoke to me: “It’s okay to NOT be at your most productive during a fucking global pandemic.”

I’ve been incredibly hard on myself the past few months for:  (1) not working out enough, (2) ordering my meals from a place that focuses on providing clean meals instead of cooking for myself and measuring what I eat, (3) resting when I could be studying or cleaning, (4) not checking on friends & family as much as I would like, (5) not keeping my appearance up as much as I prefer (no haircut, no waxing, no pedicure, etc), & (6) not having the body I had when training for competitions.     

Seeing that post reminded me life hasn’t been anything but normal.   And I deserve to cut myself a lot of slack.  Crossfit will be there when it is safe for me to return.  My weight will fluctuate within the a certain range.  All my clothes still fit.  I have a job, food, a roof over my head, great friends & family.   I’ve been blessed beyond measure & am trying my best to remind myself  – eventually I will be able to work out freely again, travel to see my friends & family, and not be afraid to take myself out for a museum / dinner date.    

Side note: I actually braved the elements and got a haircut yesterday. Mask on and all. Next week – braving the elements for a waxing cause this chin situation has gone on long enough – I can only pluck it for so long.

Ramblings from a forever insomniac

After working all night long, my body refuses to sleep more than two hours so instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling or playing on my phone I decided to get up and make myself a cup of tea.   Tea has lead to me now sitting in front of my computer typing away.  I wish I were a person who could fall asleep and not wake up two or three times in the middle of the day or night.   I don’t know if I need a new mattress or a sleep study.  One day I might take the time to address the issue.

Classes started back last week.   I’m actually excited for this class.  However, Friday I went to print out some slides for our lecture next week & to my surprise that class is no longer listed.   This is NOT a good thing.   I’ve sent out some emails to see what has happened.   If I’ve been un-enrolled for some unknown reason then at best they can put me back in the class; Worse case is this throws off everything for a semester.

I should be panicking – I’m not.   *sigh* Whatever is meant to be – will be.   Stressing over the situation is going to be productive.  Perhaps this is a sign because this isn’t the only potential obstacle I will face.   There is an issue with my school and the current state I’m living in.   Due to some laws and restrictions according to the board and requirements for the school – at this time I will not be eligible to complete my clinicals in my current state.  So, they can continue to try to fix it or come January…..I would have to move in order to finish out my NP degree.   I don’t have a desire to move again across state lines.   If I did move, I would be returning to Texas.   Apparently my hopes, dreams, and desires come with some challenges.

The past few months I’ve been asked out quite a lot.   Nope, not bragging.  It’s actually kind of sad.  The moment a guy has expressed interest in wanting a relationship with me – instantly turned off.   I have told them all – it’s not you, I’m just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.   And that’s the God’s honest truth.  Obviously, I’m not stupid – the issue is a lot deeper.   I no longer trust a person’s intentions when it comes to being with me.   The emotional price of dating is too high.

No one truly understands how much trust it took for me to be completely open, honest, and vulnerable the last time.  Letting down my walls in an attempt to build something with someone.   I don’t trust easily.  People were mask often & I still stick with my personal philosophy that it takes at least two years before you see a person for who they truly are.  Vulnerability is not my strong suit.   Leaning on someone & trusting they will be there is hard because ultimately I’m the person responsible for getting my flat tires fixed to ensuring rent is paid.

When these guys have asked me out I haven’t thought – Wow, I’m such a beautiful woman they want to get to know me.   Nope.  My thoughts have been: “They are probably looking for someone to move in with.” “What’s their ulterior motive?” “You must think I’m an easy lay cause I’m fat.” “You must want something from me because no one desires me in that way.”   And I shouldn’t even be thinking those things off the top of my head yet that is where my mind instantly goes now.   Somehow, somewhere – I stopped believing in my own attractiveness, sexuality, & feminine charm; I’ve started viewing myself as a person to be used and dispose of which is really sad.  *sigh* Well on that note, I guess I should fix myself another cup of tea.

One day at a time

Sorry this isn’t proofed or anything. Just writing from my mind and heart ❤

It has been a little while since I’ve actually had a moment to sit down a write. My sleep pattern over the past few weeks has been terrible. I’m either sleeping in 3 hour increments or sleeping for 10 hours at a time from being so exhausted the previous days without adequate sleep. I can’t seem to find a happy medium. I don’t want to take medications to force my body to rest but it is looking like that could be an option. I’m gonna try sleeping on some new pillows I bought and seeing if that makes a difference. Eventually I know my body will find it’s rhythm but it is always annoying when I’m out of sync.

School is coming along. Half way through my first class and so far I’m doing well. I’m just struggling cause this course isn’t exactly one of my favorite topics but you gotta push through in order to achieve the ultimate goal…..right?!?!

Recently went to a kink event that holds a special place in my heart – I’ve guest vended, demo bottomed, and so much more for this event in the past & I know it is a place where I will see so many faces that I adore. A couple days before I was stressing out trying to finish a paper so I could enjoy the weekend without an assignment looming over my head. I was also mentally trying to prepare myself to see my former partner and his wife who would also be at this event. It had been four months since I had seen their faces.

The day before the event I received a text message from my former partner asking if I would be open to having a conversation with him. I read this message, grimaced, and continued getting ready to shower. I pondered on this question while in the shower because my knee-jerk reaction was to say – Why?!? What do we need to talk about?? After a little while I decided to say I would be willing to hear what he had to say. Now *fingers crossed* let’s hope my emotions don’t get the better of me.

The event was great as always. Good to see old friends, look at toys, and see informative demos. There were unexpected conversations that I had to deal with and some were like punches to the chest: “How’s your poly family?” “I heard you guys were no longer together. What happened? Was it on good terms or no?” “Girl, I didn’t realize y’all weren’t together anymore. Are you okay? Do we need to talk?” “Tell your Sir hi for me.”

Emotional blows that you have to smile and basically say okay or things happen cause you can’t fall apart in front of people. I see them off and on throughout the event because this venue isn’t really big enough to hide for too long. Then a young woman pulled me aside and wanted to talk. She said she saw that my former partner and I were no longer together. She said I assume you know we played together at the last event here, right?!? Actually no, no I didn’t because my former partner didn’t really tell me things including his own fucking feelings. No, he didn’t tell me. She then proceeded to ask me if she was part of the reason we broke up. I reassured her and told her no she wasn’t the reason why we split. I tried to dance around the reason why because no one wants to say: My partner didn’t find me attractive enough to actually be in a relationship with me and rather than tell me that he just let this shit play out for months at my expense making me look incredibly dumb.

After this conversation, everything just felt so suffocating like I couldn’t breathe so I left early. I just could handle being in the same space any longer. I got in my car and cried cause all those past emotions started flooding over me. Once I got it together, I drove to the hotel and just took a nap. My friend called and woke me to ask me about dinner which she brought back to me. We ate and I asked about her day which was emotion filled as well. I heard my phone chime. It was my former partner asking if I was free to chat. I said sure and told him what room I was in. I could tell my friend was reluctant to leave me alone with him but eventually she did.

We had uncomfortable small talk before she left then he sat down and asked me a question I wasn’t expecting: “Do you hate me?” All I could do was be honest – “It varies day to day.” He apologized for everything that happened. I was listening to his words, but paying more attention to his tone, body language, & expression. He said something that I had to force myself to bite my tongue. He said he lost everything in regards to him and I, but I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs – You lost nothing! Everything you valued, cared about, and loved you kept and worked on to keep. I’m the one who lost everything: a relationship (that apparently was one side in emotion), friendships, my trust in people, my ability to trust myself in terms of loving people, my ability to see myself as a beautiful & desirable human being, my submissiveness and masochistic tendencies all fell away in the blink of an eye. I lost in more ways than you could ever have imagined. But I didn’t say anything. I just kept listening.

He knows we won’t be able to rebuild a friendship overnight but wants to know if I would be willing to try. I’m willing to try but he’s going to have to put in the work. He’s going to have to prove I can trust him again. I’m also going to have to do my part and learn to forgive completely which is going to take time. But I don’t know if it will ever be the same between all of us like it was. We walked around and talked a little. I spoke to his wife quite a bit. We all are going to try and rebuild at least a friendship that isn’t filled with so much emotional baggage.

The next day I had an amazing brunch with some of my girls. I adore these women because we all live in our truth and believe in honesty especially with each other. If I were fucking up – these would be the ones to call me out on it. It was great food, great conversation, and all around love.

My former partner and I have messaged a couple of times, but nothing huge. We are just getting use to each other again I suppose. It’s been so long and so much emotional stress that we have all endured that sometimes it is hard to just reach out and say hi. One day at a time seems to be my motto for work, school, friendships, and more.

What’s on my mind or early morning ramblings.

Apparently, my mind here lately has decided reflecting back on past memories is a thing.  I usually avoid thinking of situations from the past because I lived through it right?!?    Strolling down memory lane can bring a smile to your face & remind you how you have overcome challenges at the time you deemed impossible.   Other times, it causes you to feel sad or get a little misty eyed.   So, what the heck has been on my brain lately?!

Career:  I have said it before & I will say it again – becoming a RN was never my plans.   After borrowing a substantial amount of money to earn a Master’s degree in exercise science (which was suppose to be an athletic training degree, but my school dropped the program mid-way), going to back to school seemed like a horrible idea.  More debt for a career I wasn’t 100% sure I would love.   We plan & God laughs.   I went down the path of nursing and never regretted it.

Nursing is truly an art & a science.   It came with struggles both personally & professionally.   And I’m so thankful for the nurses who educated me along the way – strong, capable, efficient, and outspoken men & women.  These men & women taught me not only how to care for patients but: critical thinking, developing a thick skin, standing up for what’s right, & not backing down to anyone regardless of title.

It also taught me the importance of making memories with friends/family.   After taking care of so many patients & watching so many die what they have taught me over the years is this – people reflect back on memories made with people they love.  I’ve yet to meet a person wishing they could have worked extra days.  They usually regret missing vacations, recitals, gatherings with friends/family, or not reconnecting with people who meant so much to them.   I work hard & sometimes my time is limited, but I will always try my hardest to make memories with those I love.

Nursing has allowed me to travel the country, live in different cities, & do things I never imagined possible.  And as I start my NP journey in a few short days, I’m both excited and scared for what the future will bring.

Relationships:   A friend posted one of those 21 questions games on Facebook & I was going to answer until I saw the question asking about love.  I immediately found myself saying I no longer believed in love.   After everything that happened months ago, I don’t believe I possess the capability to trust another human being in a romantic or friendship capacity.

Trust……*uncomfortable chuckle*………trusting someone takes a lot for me.   I allow a person into my life as much as I deem safe.   My walls are my protection against allowing someone close enough to hurt me.   If I trust you enough to let you close to my heart (friends or more), you are someone I care for & will do anything for.   However, the moment I sense dishonesty, betrayal, or disrespect – as friendly and loving as I am……I can also be cold & distant.  That doesn’t mean I enjoy that side of me cause I probably still care for you, but I have to protect the queen (yes me).

*sigh*  I’ve had my heart broken so many times it isn’t funny.  I’ve been lied to so many times that trusting someone to be a person of their word becomes an insurmountable task.   The one time I decide to throw caution to the wind & believe in someone because they were impeccable with their word in the beginning.  They made me feel safe enough to talk about anything with.  They made me believe I was an additional person who was valued & added extra to their life.   They made you go against your own word & try a poly relationship again & the end result – absolute chaos, emotional destruction, and proof trusting a person (& engaging in a polyamorous relationship) isn’t worth the fucking hassle.

Which also breaks my heart because my schedule is crazy at times and when I intentionally make space and time for you it’s because I deem you important & I care.  And you make space for people, you make memories, and when you reflect back like my brain has lately.  It’s a mixture of emotions – you want to smile & laugh.  You want to remember those moments laughing over dinner, pitching in to do the work no one else wants, playing together, doing things you absolutely wouldn’t have done on your own, and shit that suppose to bring people together like constructing a barn in the middle of the night.   Then water forms in the corner of your eyes because you remember the things that caused your lives to separate.   You go from friends & proclaiming to be family to becoming strangers once again.

BDSM / Kink:   I’m planning on going to an event in a couple of weeks.  It’s an event I try not to miss because it’s always been special whether I was being a demo doll, vending &/or assisting the vendor, or actually able to enjoy the festivities without a task.     It’s an event I can go to & catch up with friends/acquaintances from over the years.

I told my friend I’m nervous about going.   Last year, this event was special for so many reasons.   I got to see so many people I love.  I spent time with my ex-partner’s wife and her submissive at the time.  We talked & really enjoyed spending time together.   It’s also the weekend I made a poster board asking my ex-partner to be my Dominant.   *sigh*  I had never done anything like that for anyone before & probably never will again.

Ever since we stopped talking months ago & even a little before that, I felt that happy submissive, masochistic girl kind of fade away as well.  The submissive within me……I don’t know where she has gone.  I don’t feel that part of me.   My masochistic side isn’t aching for play.   All those sides of me are kind of silent.  I will see things & get excited & just as quickly that excitement fades.  Sex is an after thought.  Masturbation happens occasionally but the multiple orgasmic creature I am known for being isn’t really there either.  10 minutes and I’m done – my joy of sex and kink isn’t really there.

I literally carry the shame of this situation on my body today.   Whenever I shower I turn my back to the mirror, look at my shoulder & see the “M” he cut into my skin so many months ago.  It almost mocks me in a way.  Probably why I know have a limit for knife play & cuttings into my skin.  It has only slightly faded & my body holds marks well which means it may be a few another year till this thing completely fades.

How can I play or have sex with another person when that is still in my shoulder?   You would have to explain & I would rather not.   Even wearing a sleeveless option with straps un-nerves me because it’s there.   So, my submissive / masochistic soul feels trapped in a way I suppose.   I don’t know if I can find that part of me again.  She’s been through so much that she no longer feels magical.   My guy friend reminds me often I’m still desirable, beautiful, seductive, and alluring.  He has said: “You could seduce anyone you want.”  I laughed when he said this – “That’s not true & we proved that last year.”

*sigh* So, I’m going to this event with mixed emotions.   I’m not even planning on dressing up for the occasion like I normally do.   I’ve lost my magic.  I’ve lost the thing that made me believe I was someone worth loving and desiring.   And maybe I will find that spark again but for now………….I just aim to be charming & emotion-less.

2019 – The Year in Review

2020 is approaching – the beginning of a new year and a new decade.   2019 has been a combination of a great & fucked up year all rolled into one.

The Great:  Moving to another city requires a braveness that I almost thought I lost when I was traveling nursing.  It was great to step out on a limb & try something different.   I’ve always believed that God can use people in ways you never imagined.   My former partner may have been part of the catalyst to get me here in order to do great things.  Otherwise, I would have still been back in my hometown hiding instead of boldly pursuing my goals.

I got into the nurse practitioner program I desired &, despite the challenges that are ahead with this program,  I’m excited to grow and learn in my profession.    I also obtained my CCRN certification despite swearing I would never sit for this exam again after failing years ago.

I’ve had the opportunity to travel to new places and try new things.   I did a 5K bridge run series, which was fun despite having heat exhaustion on the last one, but I finished.  I went camping in the woods of Louisiana.   I enjoyed a fabulous vacation with my sister in Florida.  I got the opportunity to share my new city with my other sister.   And took a trip, even though it was school related, over to Texas.

I was able to spend time with friends and family more often than I would have if I had moved back to Texas.    I loved living in Texas but also missed my friends and family on the Gulf Coast.   So, this has been a nice compromise.

I’m thankful for a long time friend who reminds me on a constant basis of the following:  I’m an attractive, beautiful, funny, dorky, sexually desirable, and all around amazing person.  Throughout my situation with my former partner I truly felt like a piece of gum on the sidewalk.   He reminded me – I’m not responsible for the shitty actions of another human being.   I’m worth so much more than even I realize.    He truly helped me to see my own self worth again & I’m incredibly appreciative.

The Fucked Up:  I had more weird accidents than ever before in my life – slicing my thumb open & needing stitches, my lips swelling out of nowhere (& still with no reason as to why), & falling hitting face first into the back of my bathtub.

Losing trust in a person you consider a friend & partner.   I don’t think anything hurt me quite like this situation has.   I don’t trust people easily.   I believed I was safe enough to let my guard down & be honest, loving, open, and trusting of people to do what was right by me as I would do for them.   This situation really broke my soul in a way I don’t think either party will ever know.    And as much I would love to mend this connection I recently came to the conclusion – it’s not my situation to initiate healing & fixing.  They are looking out for each other which is fine because they are married however not at the expense of hurting others.

Because of that situation I’ve walked away from the kink community for the past few months.  Could be kink fatigue or could be I just don’t trust people to do the right thing.   In our community we constantly talk about honesty, open communication, respect, and building trust.  However, so many people seem to do the exact opposite.  I’ve seen so many people become disposable causalities & eventually leave or break from the community because of unstable poly relationships, jealousy, gas-lighting, manipulation, lies, &/or people treating others with such disrespect they start to question their own sanity/worth or settle because they don’t feel like they desire anything better.

What do I want for 2020?!!   I’ve never been the girl who writes out New Year Resolutions.  My desire for 2020 is the beginning of true happiness, peace, joy, financial stability, improved mental/physical health, and love not only for myself but also for so many of my friends/family who have had a rough few years of highs & lows.

 

2020 needs to be the start of a decade of living our best life.   Happy New Year to you all.