Punishment and forgiveness

“You will begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you & learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes.”  Forgiveness.  One concept taught to us as children, in church, at home & around the world.   Missing from this lesson is the fact that forgiveness consist of multiple steps and isn’t a process that happens over night.   Forgiving people requires strength.  Healing from wounds of the past is a battle that requires patience.  It also requires an understanding that moments from the past will come back to you in waves, unexpectedly.  The art of forgiving yourself is the lesson we fail to put into practice in our everyday lives.

Forgiving yourself is a difficult process.  For me, it is an internal battle of punishing yourself for the choices you made versus forgiving yourself for those past decisions.  Personally, I suck at the art of forgiving yourself.  Reliving each decision, regretting my choices because they go against societal norms or feeling like a jerk because others were hurt in the process of my selfishness.  I continually believe that most of my relationships end horribly because it is a punishment for past mistakes.

Relationships of years past I have been girl who has been told to her face that she was loved but not worth fighting for because his family would never approve of me.  I have been discarded like yesterday’s newspaper for the girl who fits into the American standard of beauty.  I have been a mistress.   I have done poly relationships some where I am the girl of choice & adored.  I have been in poly relationships where I was second or third & all of my needs weren’t met.  I have been the girl in a relationship that was never suppose to happen but emotions and desire swept us away & it has a secret affair.  And I have been the girl dumped because I wouldn’t chose that person over my career/education.

Despite what some people would think, over the years I have tried to make smarter choices.  I have tried to invest my time in quality guys & do things differently.  However as a friend of mine bluntly put it – “You are known for making poor decisions.” Perhaps I am a poor decision maker, but I would like to think over the years I have gotten better.   I haven’t always made the right choices.  Sometimes life steps in the way.  Sometimes intentions aren’t clear up front.  Sometimes we understand that this relationship is doomed from the start but the chemistry is so strong that there is no choice but to go down the rabbit hole. My perceived punishment for past choices is beginning to weigh heavy on my heart & soul, yet I will always be a believer in love.

The believer in love who has suffered loss.  The woman who has been bruised, cut, and wounded from the love and loss of others.   Relationships come with no guarantees.  You are always rolling the dice & praying you win big or your loss isn’t substantial.  Everyone gains something & loses something in the game of lust, like & love.   My losses have been semi-significant over the years (Compared to others I am fortunate).  Am I asking for your sympathy for my decisions?  Nope.  My losses have been grand but my gains have been as great.   The daddy taught me I was absolutely beautiful, inside & out.  He reminded me on a continuous basis that I was amazing and my size had nothing to do with it.  It was the heart of me.  And if things went wrong it would rarely be my fault. One taught me that I am a strong, capable, independent woman but it is okay to be soft, to listen, and to accept help.  Another even today reminds me I am more than my body parts.  I offer so much more than that.  And any man who ends up with me will truly win a prize.

What has the last relationship taught me?   I am desirable beyond my own comprehension.  Natural attraction is a real thing & sometimes things develop you never expected.  There are even deeper levels to my submission than I thought.  I possess the ability to be more than I thought possible as a submissive.   However, I still am punishing myself mentally – not nearly as much as I have been but I still want to fix things that aren’t in my realm to repair.  I don’t know if it is the suddenness that our relationship ended or the fact that our decision affected others and so many people are hurting and trying to piece together various aspects of their lives that makes me occasionally feel the need to suffer.   Eventually, I will reach a moment of peace within where I know everything will be okay.  I will also realize I can’t fix a problem when the main issue isn’t even me.

You can ask God for forgiveness and it is immediately given but the process of forgiving yourself proves to be a difficult road. Perhaps as my friend put it I will continue to make poor decisions.   Perhaps I will realize that love is a game & I have been playing all wrong.  Or perhaps my failures haven’t been failures or punishments at all.  Maybe they are lessons that were meant to teach me a thing or two in order to prepare me for what lies ahead.